Most girls (and not being like them)

[Ymir]

First of all, I quite dislike the expression because it paints women as gray blobs who have no personality of their own and are just carbon copies, which couldn't be farther away from the truth. I've had a few bad experiences with this whole concept. Back to the days when I pursued romantic relationships (so like three months ago ), guys who took interest in me always seemed to be think I'd be profound and deep 100% of the time just because sometimes I enjoy intellectual activities such as debating.

When in fact I'm just your regular teenager girl with a quite mundane tastes for most things. I don't really like being deep all the time. I enjoy much more company of people who I can be myself with and this whole thing has put me off dating for the moment. The "not like most girls" mentality seems quite prevalent between teenager boys and young adult guys and unfortunately I'm always thrown into that role, and I can't be bothered to keep playing it.

That said, I did find a really nice guy who I got closer to recently and I think it has been a wonderful experience insofar because I can be silly. He can see both sides of my personality and he doesn't think less of me because I happen to have a long list of fictional husbands (and all of them are tall, dark and brooding, who doesn't love morally questionable handsome people amirite).

I don't think of dating him for the sole reason that I've come to the conclusion I really don't like dating as of now, not even in the optimal circumstances for it to happen.
So actually this is a thread to say I'm getting along well with this dude and I very much like him but still don't wanna date, which I think it's okay. I'm young and I won't settle unless I'm 500% sure that's what I want.

A cheer for friendship with benefits.

 

[wolvesjr]

good for you! Both for not accepting that you have to play the role as well the fact that you realize that there is no hurry.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Hmmmm. I think, from your post, I'm beginning to see why what I say on the matter creates confusion.

Back to the days when I pursued romantic relationships (so like three months ago ), guys who took interest in me always seemed to be think I'd be profound and deep 100% of the time just because sometimes I enjoy intellectual activities such as debating.

When in fact I'm just your regular teenager girl with a quite mundane tastes for most things. I don't really like being deep all the time. I enjoy much more company of people who I can be myself with and this whole thing has put me off dating for the moment.

That said, I did find a really nice guy who I got closer to recently and I think it has been a wonderful experience insofar because I can be silly.

Okay. I'm definitely guilty of being a guy who wants someone "who isn't like most girls". But at the same time, of course I don't expect someone to be deep and profound 100% of the time. I don't think there is anyone who is quite like that, and that's not even what I mean when I talk about the girls I like anyway. In fact, one of the things I like about them is that they can manage to be BOTH philosophical and intellectual, AND silly and fun. All at the same time. I too find it tiring to be deep and profound exclusively - I enjoy those types of conversations, but I do still feel that they require more work to carry and digest. I'm looking for someone to share a good laugh with just as much as I am looking for someone to share in a deep conversation. The thing is, I did enjoy those girls for being themselves and I always found them fascinating and exciting and sweet and just wonderful. And I tried to make it clear that I enjoyed them, and that they could be themselves with me.

The problem I'm having is when all I find are girls who are ONLY interested in mundane things. Or who are interested in things that I am not interested in. The girls I like have an eclectic array of interests, and I tend to share a lot of them. And I just enjoy the feeling I get when we talk. They just make me feel alive.

 

[Ymir]

Hmmmm. I think, from your post, I'm beginning to see why what I say on the matter creates confusion.

Back to the days when I pursued romantic relationships (so like three months ago ), guys who took interest in me always seemed to be think I'd be profound and deep 100% of the time just because sometimes I enjoy intellectual activities such as debating.

When in fact I'm just your regular teenager girl with a quite mundane tastes for most things. I don't really like being deep all the time. I enjoy much more company of people who I can be myself with and this whole thing has put me off dating for the moment.

That said, I did find a really nice guy who I got closer to recently and I think it has been a wonderful experience insofar because I can be silly.

Okay. I'm definitely guilty of being a guy who wants someone "who isn't like most girls". But at the same time, of course I don't expect someone to be deep and profound 100% of the time. I don't think there is anyone who is quite like that, and that's not even what I mean when I talk about the girls I like anyway. In fact, one of the things I like about them is that they can manage to be BOTH philosophical and intellectual, AND silly and fun. All at the same time. I too find it tiring to be deep and profound exclusively - I enjoy those types of conversations, but I do still feel that they require more work to carry and digest. I'm looking for someone to share a good laugh with just as much as I am looking for someone to share in a deep conversation. The thing is, I did enjoy those girls for being themselves and I always found them fascinating and exciting and sweet and just wonderful. And I tried to make it clear that I enjoyed them, and that they could be themselves with me.

The problem I'm having is when all I find are girls who are ONLY interested in mundane things. Or who are interested in things that I am not interested in. The girls I like have an eclectic array of interests, and I tend to share a lot of them. And I just enjoy the feeling I get when we talk. They just make me feel alive.

Yeaaah, you missed my point a bit.

I didn't mean to say what happens to me is equal to what you do to those girls. But it's similar. You still expect them to be a long list (and almost impossible) list of things. They are supposed to be smart, but they are supposed to be funny and be interesting and be this and be that and...

Most people wouldn't like to get in a relationship with someone if they had to make the effort to be interesting and make their partner's life interesting. You are kind of like switching responsibility over your own life to these girls you put on a pedestal. It's a lot of weight to put on your partner's shoulder, if you expect them to make your life interesting and make you reach your potential. They might help, but it would probably help a lot more if you did it on your own account.

It is a possibility that even though you've known whoever for year(s), you might not have been actually intimate with them. Hence why they seem to do things you don't really understand how come they did that, even though they are smart! optimistic! sweet! interesting! and whatever the hell you have on that long list of yours.

For more reference, see: Manic Pixie Dream Girl

 

[ucxb]

And that's self respect, Ymir! Kudos to you for not getting trapped in expectations!

 

[ladyforsaken]

Good on you, Ymir. Staying true to what you believe in (I'm sure there is a better phrasing for this but the word for "believe in" escapes me at the moment) and being logical about it, takes some strength and willpower. I totally admire you for this. You certainly seem to know what you want and what boundaries you'd set - I wish you good luck in this friendship with him.

 

[murmi97]

I agree with you about dating. Totally not a fan of giving someone license to be only on their best behavior with me and possibly lying about what they want and are, like often happens in courtship.

 

[Ymir]

Thank you guys! I'm really glad that things turned out this way because this guy knows I have the emotional range of a teaspoon and doesn't expect me to be anything but myself. So that's great.

(Another expectation thrust upon me: if I like someone I become a softy. I don't. I really really really don't. I really have the emotional range of a teaspoon. Really.)

 

[Pike Creek]

I think as long as you're up front with the guy and he's okay with it, so be it, you'll both feel satisfied with the friendship/relationship.

I also think that the term "most girls" is very subjective based on a guy's experience with women; as is "most guys" for women. My idea of "most guys" falls very differently from many other women's ideas I'm sure. I hate labels myself and try to steer clear of them. My bf loves to say "most relationships" etc...when trying to justify his relationship weaknesses instead of dealing with the problems. It's annoying and I feel the same way, I don't want to be someone who experiences "most relationships" in his definition.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Yeaaah, you missed my point a bit.

I didn't mean to say what happens to me is equal to what you do to those girls. But it's similar. You still expect them to be a long list (and almost impossible) list of things. They are supposed to be smart, but they are supposed to be funny and be interesting and be this and be that and...

But it's not what I'm expecting them to be or what they're supposed to be. They really are that way, by themselves. That's what got my attention.

Most people wouldn't like to get in a relationship with someone if they had to make the effort to be interesting and make their partner's life interesting. You are kind of like switching responsibility over your own life to these girls you put on a pedestal. It's a lot of weight to put on your partner's shoulder, if you expect them to make your life interesting and make you reach your potential. They might help, but it would probably help a lot more if you did it on your own account.

Okay. I get that. I mean, looking back it was probably a little one-sided. I probably relied on them too much to bring up interesting conversation topics instead of bringing up some of my own, and I wasn't doing a whole lot with my life so it probably looked like I was just floundering and not really going anywhere, not really making a decision as to who I am and what I wanted. So I wanted an interesting, exciting, attractive girl but wasn't really an interesting, exciting, attractive guy myself.

It is a possibility that even though you've known whoever for year(s), you might not have been actually intimate with them. Hence why they seem to do things you don't really understand how come they did that, even though they are smart! optimistic! sweet! interesting! and whatever the hell you have on that long list of yours.

For more reference, see: Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Eh, I don't know about that. I mean, with that one girl in particular, we talked a lot on both sides about very personal matters. We didn't just talk about trivialities or about things that didn't really have anything to do with our own lives. I think I got to know her pretty well. And I think all the traits that I liked in her, showed through. She and the other two were all manic pixie dream girls. I guess that's as close as one can come to describing my "type". I know it's not supposed to be a good thing for someone to want that, but I do. I like how they are so unlimited and lively.

 

[barky]

Yay Ymir! Full congrats on your new found teaspoon of glory .

I agree with the thread topic and everyone's replies. Labels be damned.

 

[ardour]

First of all, I quite dislike the expression because it paints women as gray blobs who have no personality of their own and are just carbon copies, which couldn't be farther away from the truth...

er..what? Isn't that expression used as frequently for both genders?


It's good that you've found a decent male friend. At your age it's best to hold off on a long-term relationship for a few years, until, as said, you know yourself a little better.

 

[Sci-Fi]

When I saw the thread title I couldn't help but think of the P!nk song, then after reading it I couldn't help but think of P!nk's Raise Your Glass song. Now they are both stuck in my head. Thank you

You gotta be who you gotta be, and if it works for you then more power to you.

 

[Ymir]

When I saw the thread title I couldn't help but think of the P!nk song, then after reading it I couldn't help but think of P!nk's Raise Your Glass song. Now they are both stuck in my head. Thank you

You gotta be who you gotta be, and if it works for you then more power to you.

Aaand now I'm listening to P!nk too. I quite like her

First of all, I quite dislike the expression because it paints women as gray blobs who have no personality of their own and are just carbon copies, which couldn't be farther away from the truth...

er..what? Isn't that expression used as frequently for both genders?


It's good that you've found a decent male friend. At your age it's best to hold off on a long-term relationship for a few years, until, as said, you know yourself a little better.

I don't think "most girls" is used for men too Nah, but really, I'm not saying it isn't. And sharing my experiences as a GIRL (or a young woman, depends on the person haha) isn't dismissing men's and boy's experiences.

Funny is that people around here tend to think I'm actually kind of old to *not* have a long term relationship. I wonder what's their logic.

 

[murmi97]

Funny is that people around here tend to think I'm actually kind of old to *not* have a long term relationship. I wonder what's their logic.

If it's mostly your peers I'd say it's because people tend to want the people around them doing the same thing they're doing - like when someone wants their friend(s) to start exercising with them. Or they could be projecting their own fears of ending up alone.