Mother knows best?

[CenotaphGirl]

Ugh I feel like a failure today, my mum came with me to my hospital appointment and I feel so… immature.

She literally answered every question, pushed my surgery date forward… idk…should I be grateful I have someone in my corner or should I be adult enough to do these things myself?

She was very aggressive and assertive and the doctor kept saying it’s your decision to me while looking in my eyes… I feel like I have no real opinions… I feel like im scared of whatever decision I can make so why not just let my mother make them all… if it goes wrong I can just blame her… is that immature?

Idk, ugh what a morning

 

[TheRealCallie]

Unless the surgery is like life and death, it does need to be 100% your decision. It can be helpful for mom to ask questions that you might not think to ask, but as to the actual surgery, if it's elective and you don't think you can make the decision, I'd say you aren't ready for whatever it is.

 

[Cherubino]

immature is cool

 

[user 188685]

Ugh I feel like a failure today, my mum came with me to my hospital appointment and I feel so… immature.

She literally answered every question, pushed my surgery date forward… idk…should I be grateful I have someone in my corner or should I be adult enough to do these things myself?

She was very aggressive and assertive and the doctor kept saying it’s your decision to me while looking in my eyes… I feel like I have no real opinions… I feel like im scared of whatever decision I can make so why not just let my mother make them all… if it goes wrong I can just blame her… is that immature?

Idk, ugh what a morning

It is always good to have someone on your side, espically your mom or one of your family members.

 

[okidoke]

You say she came with you. Did you ask her to come along? If you did, why did you?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Unless the surgery is like life and death, it does need to be 100% your decision. It can be helpful for mom to ask questions that you might not think to ask, but as to the actual surgery, if it's elective and you don't think you can make the decision, I'd say you aren't ready for whatever it is.

I dont feel ready but I have to meet another consultant to set the surgery date in stone… my mum has asked to come to that appointment so she can help me but her help makes me feel like im still a child…

You say she came with you. Did you ask her to come along? If you did, why did you?

I am a submissive person, I struggle to say what I want and to be assertive… my mum said she wants to come as the doctors have been asking me to do a cheaper surgery with more risks and my mum and I…wanted me to get the more expensive one.

My mum came and she answered every question saying “we dont want that, we want this” and the doctor was like its down to “You”and I felt like I wanted to run out of there…

I was offered some help with discussing the first procedure that didn't go to plan and I feel like I needed that, however my mum shouted “No! We just want to move on… We dont want to go through that!” And Idk I felt like typical helpless Ceno… just pathetic. If I went alone I might have got to do that but if I didn't have my mum I probably wouldn't be able to say the surgery I wanted.

 

[okidoke]

Many parents can’t help but treat their adult children like they’re still immature and stupid. I was a cop for over 20 years dealing with all sorts of challenging stuff and my mum still tells how I should do things in all sorts of situations. Even driving, even though I’ve done various driving courses and she’s rolled a car and almost killed herself. You either accept what your mum offers or you cut her out of schedules and do what you want and how you want. Either way you have to take responsibility.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Many parents can’t help but treat their adult children like they’re still immature and stupid. I was a cop for over 20 years dealing with all sorts of challenging stuff and my mum still tells how I should do things in all sorts of situations. Even driving, even though I’ve done various driving courses and she’s rolled a car and almost killed herself. You either accept what your mum offers or you cut her out of schedules and do what you want and how you want. Either way you have to take responsibility.

Lol thats cute, my mum will accuse you of speeding the whole time you’re driving…

But yeahh it sucks, adulting sucks… if my dad was here he would fight for me but not answer anything he didnt know I wanted for sure… my mum is aggressive and she starts demanding things that arent even possible as she gets carried away. She was shaking and nearly in tears and I felt like omg this is gonna give my mum a stroke if she doesn't calm down…

So its like I want her there but I also want her to act like the responsible assertive adult she is… and not like my unstable angry mother… but I cant have it both ways. I cant change her anymore than I can change me.

 

[okidoke]

Lol thats cute, my mum will accuse you of speeding the whole time you’re driving…

But yeahh it sucks, adulting sucks… if my dad was here he would fight for me but not answer anything he didnt know I wanted for sure… my mum is aggressive and she starts demanding things that arent even possible as she gets carried away. She was shaking and nearly in tears and I felt like omg this is gonna give my mum a stroke if she doesn't calm down…

So its like I want her there but I also want her to act like the responsible assertive adult she is… and not like my unstable angry mother… but I cant have it both ways. I cant change her anymore than I can change me.

I guess you have some decisions to make.

Some more on mums and driving; when I drive my mum around in her car she hates it when I use the -/+ gearing instead of total auto. She can’t explain why, she just thinks it’s not good to use it lol.

 

[Cherubino]

immature is cool

“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

 

[TheRealCallie]

I dont feel ready but I have to meet another consultant to set the surgery date in stone… my mum has asked to come to that appointment so she can help me but her help makes me feel like im still a child…

It sounds like your mom "takes charge" and does what SHE would want, not what YOU would want. That's not okay. Like I said, if it was life and death and the surgery was VITAL, that would be different, but it's not vital, so you need to be making all these decisions yourself. And if she specifically said you do not want the surgery that you do want, you need to not bring her.
I would typically throw out that you need to stand your ground and set boundaries with your mother and tell her to STOP, but I don't think you will do that.

So, my suggestions is....what about Rob? Could he go with you instead? Or even your brother. Someone who isn't as likely to interfere with the actual decision, but is still emotional support for you.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Honestly, I'm very surprised the doc lets your mother stay in the room. He clearly thinks you are being coerced since he keeps saying that it has to be YOUR decision. Mom would have been kicked out of the room if you were in America.

 

[Cherubino]

it's not about people it's about reason so just go with the science ... whoever it's represented there by

 

[CenotaphGirl]

It sounds like your mom "takes charge" and does what SHE would want, not what YOU would want. That's not okay. Like I said, if it was life and death and the surgery was VITAL, that would be different, but it's not vital, so you need to be making all these decisions yourself. And if she specifically said you do not want the surgery that you do want, you need to not bring her.
I would typically throw out that you need to stand your ground and set boundaries with your mother and tell her to STOP, but I don't think you will do that.

So, my suggestions is....what about Rob? Could he go with you instead? Or even your brother. Someone who isn't as likely to interfere with the actual decision, but is still emotional support for you.

Yeah shes the person who makes things happen. The surgery is optional/vital its like if I dont do it now i’ll have to do it later and it’ll be way more complicated.

I didnt want Rob to come as I was scared what he would think, I think he would have been a better fit to be fair but also if I ask him over my mum she will throw a victim parade

Honestly, I'm very surprised the doc lets your mother stay in the room. He clearly thinks you are being coerced since he keeps saying that it has to be YOUR decision. Mom would have been kicked out of the room if you were in America.

I feel like we were both rush out to be honest because of how she was acting

 

[okidoke]

it's not about people it's about reason so just go with the science ... whoever it's represented there by

you understood this @CenotaphGirl ? If you're saying Cherubino to just trust medical science, then I point you to the many, many stuff ups during surgery. It's gotta be your decision Ceno, and only yours.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

you understood this @CenotaphGirl ? If you're saying Cherubino to just trust medical science, then I point you to the many, many stuff ups during surgery. It's gotta be your decision Ceno, and only yours.

Yeah had to research all the possibilities a million times so stressful but yeah im scared regardless who performs it

 

[Cherubino]

since it's such a complex task ask a professional to assist you with the decision (both medically and emotionally)

 

[Cherubino]

since it's such a complex task ask a professional to assist you with the decision (both medically and emotionally)

like what would they do if it was their daughter

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yeah shes the person who makes things happen. The surgery is optional/vital its like if I dont do it now i’ll have to do it later and it’ll be way more complicated.

I didnt want Rob to come as I was scared what he would think, I think he would have been a better fit to be fair but also if I ask him over my mum she will throw a victim parade


I feel like we were both rush out to be honest because of how she was acting

Won't he eventually find out? I mean, he's obviously going to know you had surgery, right? This isn't about mommy, this is about YOU and the best person to advocate for you without totally taking over. Your mom is never going to stop treating you like this until you take a stand. So unless you want your mom to essentially control you for the rest of your life, you need to do something.

I want to say that if you were in America and the doctor didn't think it was YOUR decision, he probably wouldn't do the surgery, so you might want to consider that. Obviously, I don't know how the medical system works over there, but I would assume if the doctor had any morals at all, he would be the same.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Won't he eventually find out? I mean, he's obviously going to know you had surgery, right? This isn't about mommy, this is about YOU and the best person to advocate for you without totally taking over. Your mom is never going to stop treating you like this until you take a stand. So unless you want your mom to essentially control you for the rest of your life, you need to do something.

I want to say that if you were in America and the doctor didn't think it was YOUR decision, he probably wouldn't do the surgery, so you might want to consider that. Obviously, I don't know how the medical system works over there, but I would assume if the doctor had any morals at all, he would be the same.

Like he knows but he doesn't know everything, you know? Like my mum knows everything so theres no surprises for her but I think I will bring him to an earlier appointment to go through everything again as I just feel in a blur about it.

You’re right though she takes over