About a year ago, when I was 18, I went abroad to China to study for a month. I went with a lot of my classmates, so it was an incredible experience somehow. There were times when I couldn't stand people, but I just thought to myself "in no time, I'll be back home" and that gave me the comfort I needed. When I came back, I realized I did love the country and wished to go back.
SInce young, I have always loved and admired Japanese culture for more reasons than one, and it had always been my dream to go there. I actually looked up the possibilities of studying college there. And so, I made it my goal to get there.
So now, a year later I have my Japanese student visa in my hands and my suitcases all packed. I leave in a week, my country, my home. The place that saw me grow, my family, my place. I had been too busy dreaming of getting there and actually make it happen, that I never realized how terribly lonely I could feel. I never thought parting from my family would feel as if someone was ripping my heart in two.
I have suffered from social anxiety for a long time, and I panic about most things all the time, so even though there were problems at home... the fact that I had at least a place to be in with people who would help me regardless was my comfort. I know it's the fear kicking in, and that this is my dream and something I decided for myself... but I can't help crying every night and feel like crying just at the thought of leaving. I can't seem to get myself together and it's actually making me think I should just throw it all away and stay... but then again, I'll regret it even more...
I'm 19, so at times I think "I should have probably waited more", but that "more" may just have never come. I know that if I don't go, I'll regret it for a lifetime.
I just don't really know how to make myself the person I used to be when thinking about living in Japan... and it's breaking my self-esteem and the little confidence I have... will I ever get past this feeling?
SInce young, I have always loved and admired Japanese culture for more reasons than one, and it had always been my dream to go there. I actually looked up the possibilities of studying college there. And so, I made it my goal to get there.
So now, a year later I have my Japanese student visa in my hands and my suitcases all packed. I leave in a week, my country, my home. The place that saw me grow, my family, my place. I had been too busy dreaming of getting there and actually make it happen, that I never realized how terribly lonely I could feel. I never thought parting from my family would feel as if someone was ripping my heart in two.
I have suffered from social anxiety for a long time, and I panic about most things all the time, so even though there were problems at home... the fact that I had at least a place to be in with people who would help me regardless was my comfort. I know it's the fear kicking in, and that this is my dream and something I decided for myself... but I can't help crying every night and feel like crying just at the thought of leaving. I can't seem to get myself together and it's actually making me think I should just throw it all away and stay... but then again, I'll regret it even more...
I'm 19, so at times I think "I should have probably waited more", but that "more" may just have never come. I know that if I don't go, I'll regret it for a lifetime.
I just don't really know how to make myself the person I used to be when thinking about living in Japan... and it's breaking my self-esteem and the little confidence I have... will I ever get past this feeling?