Bluey I know u know me on here for more than a year now, but you don't know my exact feeling on thing. I just hope you don't judge me on what I write, because you as well as I know that life has treat me like crap. Just know I trust you well moor than enough to show the other side of me. And to everyone else, don't criticize me for what I write, because it took lot of guts for me to write this, and might as well be the hardest thing I have write online to people I know so well.
What make it that some children are born poor, minority, and simply just unlucky as oppose to the one that are born rich, white, and simply get everything handed to them. What make some so lucky they have brothers and sisters their age? And what make it that some have one horrible sister and no brother what so ever? There are many uncertainly in life, none as unexplainable as my life. From everything I do, consequences are severe, life is painful, excruciating at times. What can one do when almost everything is out of their control, why was I born Asian, why was I born as a scapegoat, why was I even born in the first place?
WHY? I don’t get this life, and probably never will. I am 20, a virgin, an outcast, a 2nd year in college. I am not a commuter, and have to bare the incredible pain of living in the dorm where my sadness fuels everyone else happiness. I make all my decision with cautious yet no matter what I choose it always end up biting me in the ASS. I am sick, I am not human, I feel insane, I feel broken, lost, hopeless, yet everyday I put myself out there, one small step at a time, yet the more I try, the worst in get. It like I have fail life and it is entirely out of my control. To see little kids with young parents, loving parents, with tons of brothers and sisters, tear my heart into a million pieces. I am not EMO, but I am broken, I am dying each day by day. I may not smoke, but stress can take many years off my life, and of course I will die earlier than expected.
To live as an Asian male is the most cruel and most demanding task put upon a person. Simply put, we are not wanted. I am also screw in my own preference, I simply just like White girls, and because of this my life has become an aching pain. Do white girls even like Asian guys? There is a moment of inferiority here; there is almost a 99% chance that a white girl would take a white guy over an Asian guy any day. Why is it that? Because the white men have show that they are superior to every other single race out there and are the dream prince for all girls, just as what white girls have shown. Asian guys are short, and it is injustice in it self. For me to look up at most white guys when I talk is unjust. I should not have to look up at white guy; I should look at them eye to eye or below. I am not born to feel inferior, I was born to be superior, and I can’t stand it. I feel wicked sick in my way of thinking. The days seem to dread to years, who know how much longer before I go crazy. I am piss off mad, angry at people. Everything seems to trigger me nowadays, when I see couple, pets, brothers, etc… it hurt me in a way that people don’t realize. I hate people simply put, I’m racist, I hate white guy, and I have every reason to. Call me a racist, but it is jealously that has boil up over all these years. Just knowing every time I see a white kid, I just know that once he my age, he will be much taller than me, and it hurt. “What hurt the most” by Rascal Flatt is knowing that I will always be 5’8.5 and that Asian male are the least prefer by almost any girls. I have seen more Asian girls date white guy than Asian guys in my school. Does this mean the Asian race is dying? Why did white people call themselves “CauASIAN”? Maybe someday the world will be mix, but like Martin Luther King or women’s who fought for justice die before their potential was realize. To say someday Asian will get respect of the world may not be too far off, but when that time come, I will be long gone.
What do I have that other people don’t have? Nothing. I have no life, I never did, I just continue to live to prove myself wrong, but the more I live, the more that I see that I am right. I am a normal person from physical appearance, but I am not a normal person by circumstances. I was not born like other kids, and was bully, beat up, gang bang, racist, rumors, make fun of, hated on, scapegoat, as well as many other things. I was born to be made an outcast, simply put. From my early years of kindergarten to my 2nd year in college, nothing has change. For someone to understand my life would require years of studying, something that most people just don’t understand. Calling me a “troll” show the luckiest, spoilness, and immaturity of other people. I am a nice guy, and many people realize that, yet how come no one has reach out to me, lend me a hand, because I sure will make on hell of a friend. Maybe I’m just too honest, I hardly lie, and I care about other. I am not shy, I am clean, I dress nice, am pretty smart, can hold a conversation, not bad looking, can make joke, quite outgoing if given the chance, emotionally strong, a good listener, enjoy helping others, someone you can trust, not afraid to try new things, very romantic, very unique, and very chill, yet why? I have no friends, never had a gf, and feel older as the days goes by. What is there not to like about me? Why ME in the first place?
I don’t expect anyone to know the answer, I expect my life to be long and hard, and lonely. Every path I take is “ a boulevard of broken dream” by green day. My life can best be describe by 2 song from Simple plan “Welcome to my life” and “Shut-up”. Do I want to die? NO. Do I want to live like this? NO. Whether those song or fake or not, whether people hate those band or not, it doesn’t matter, the truth is I fit that song perfectly, it has gotten me through life. Music is the best medicine, and it truly is. Without music, I would have nothing.
Please someone be my GF, will it ever happen? Probably not. Will I ever date the girl of my dream? NO, simply put there are tons of handsome guy out there who can date any girl they want, and I am not one of them. Does this make me sound selfish or a bad person? I can't tell for sure, but what guy don’t want to date the hottest, cutest girl from first attraction? I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Life is too demanding for me, people do more things in a month of their life than I have done in my 20 years of existence. To say all “men are equal” by Thomas Jefferson is the most BS thing ever wrote.
I have never done anything wrong at birth, I never hurt anyone, yet my life feel like prison, and most of the time it is, a struggle to survive in the harsh world of mankind. I would only hope that a girl would walk up to me and hold my hand, put her head on my shoulder and say “I love you, Chris”, I would have her, my life would be forever change. I could kiss her all I want, I would not have any more lonely sleepless night alone, where the only reality are my dreams.
People who show PDA make me want to chew them out. I want to hurt them, cream them, whatever it take to make them miserable. I want to reckless ruff them to the edge where they beg for my mercy. This is my dark side and society has cause me to be this way. I was born innocence, care free, friendly person, but the more I live the more I grow to be angry, lonely, miserable, and sick. Is it possible for me to not ever know what love is? It is more than likely I will be alone. Sometime I sit on my ASS thinking I wish I was a girl sometime.
What make it that some children are born poor, minority, and simply just unlucky as oppose to the one that are born rich, white, and simply get everything handed to them. What make some so lucky they have brothers and sisters their age? And what make it that some have one horrible sister and no brother what so ever? There are many uncertainly in life, none as unexplainable as my life. From everything I do, consequences are severe, life is painful, excruciating at times. What can one do when almost everything is out of their control, why was I born Asian, why was I born as a scapegoat, why was I even born in the first place?
WHY? I don’t get this life, and probably never will. I am 20, a virgin, an outcast, a 2nd year in college. I am not a commuter, and have to bare the incredible pain of living in the dorm where my sadness fuels everyone else happiness. I make all my decision with cautious yet no matter what I choose it always end up biting me in the ASS. I am sick, I am not human, I feel insane, I feel broken, lost, hopeless, yet everyday I put myself out there, one small step at a time, yet the more I try, the worst in get. It like I have fail life and it is entirely out of my control. To see little kids with young parents, loving parents, with tons of brothers and sisters, tear my heart into a million pieces. I am not EMO, but I am broken, I am dying each day by day. I may not smoke, but stress can take many years off my life, and of course I will die earlier than expected.
To live as an Asian male is the most cruel and most demanding task put upon a person. Simply put, we are not wanted. I am also screw in my own preference, I simply just like White girls, and because of this my life has become an aching pain. Do white girls even like Asian guys? There is a moment of inferiority here; there is almost a 99% chance that a white girl would take a white guy over an Asian guy any day. Why is it that? Because the white men have show that they are superior to every other single race out there and are the dream prince for all girls, just as what white girls have shown. Asian guys are short, and it is injustice in it self. For me to look up at most white guys when I talk is unjust. I should not have to look up at white guy; I should look at them eye to eye or below. I am not born to feel inferior, I was born to be superior, and I can’t stand it. I feel wicked sick in my way of thinking. The days seem to dread to years, who know how much longer before I go crazy. I am piss off mad, angry at people. Everything seems to trigger me nowadays, when I see couple, pets, brothers, etc… it hurt me in a way that people don’t realize. I hate people simply put, I’m racist, I hate white guy, and I have every reason to. Call me a racist, but it is jealously that has boil up over all these years. Just knowing every time I see a white kid, I just know that once he my age, he will be much taller than me, and it hurt. “What hurt the most” by Rascal Flatt is knowing that I will always be 5’8.5 and that Asian male are the least prefer by almost any girls. I have seen more Asian girls date white guy than Asian guys in my school. Does this mean the Asian race is dying? Why did white people call themselves “CauASIAN”? Maybe someday the world will be mix, but like Martin Luther King or women’s who fought for justice die before their potential was realize. To say someday Asian will get respect of the world may not be too far off, but when that time come, I will be long gone.
What do I have that other people don’t have? Nothing. I have no life, I never did, I just continue to live to prove myself wrong, but the more I live, the more that I see that I am right. I am a normal person from physical appearance, but I am not a normal person by circumstances. I was not born like other kids, and was bully, beat up, gang bang, racist, rumors, make fun of, hated on, scapegoat, as well as many other things. I was born to be made an outcast, simply put. From my early years of kindergarten to my 2nd year in college, nothing has change. For someone to understand my life would require years of studying, something that most people just don’t understand. Calling me a “troll” show the luckiest, spoilness, and immaturity of other people. I am a nice guy, and many people realize that, yet how come no one has reach out to me, lend me a hand, because I sure will make on hell of a friend. Maybe I’m just too honest, I hardly lie, and I care about other. I am not shy, I am clean, I dress nice, am pretty smart, can hold a conversation, not bad looking, can make joke, quite outgoing if given the chance, emotionally strong, a good listener, enjoy helping others, someone you can trust, not afraid to try new things, very romantic, very unique, and very chill, yet why? I have no friends, never had a gf, and feel older as the days goes by. What is there not to like about me? Why ME in the first place?
I don’t expect anyone to know the answer, I expect my life to be long and hard, and lonely. Every path I take is “ a boulevard of broken dream” by green day. My life can best be describe by 2 song from Simple plan “Welcome to my life” and “Shut-up”. Do I want to die? NO. Do I want to live like this? NO. Whether those song or fake or not, whether people hate those band or not, it doesn’t matter, the truth is I fit that song perfectly, it has gotten me through life. Music is the best medicine, and it truly is. Without music, I would have nothing.
Please someone be my GF, will it ever happen? Probably not. Will I ever date the girl of my dream? NO, simply put there are tons of handsome guy out there who can date any girl they want, and I am not one of them. Does this make me sound selfish or a bad person? I can't tell for sure, but what guy don’t want to date the hottest, cutest girl from first attraction? I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Life is too demanding for me, people do more things in a month of their life than I have done in my 20 years of existence. To say all “men are equal” by Thomas Jefferson is the most BS thing ever wrote.
I have never done anything wrong at birth, I never hurt anyone, yet my life feel like prison, and most of the time it is, a struggle to survive in the harsh world of mankind. I would only hope that a girl would walk up to me and hold my hand, put her head on my shoulder and say “I love you, Chris”, I would have her, my life would be forever change. I could kiss her all I want, I would not have any more lonely sleepless night alone, where the only reality are my dreams.
People who show PDA make me want to chew them out. I want to hurt them, cream them, whatever it take to make them miserable. I want to reckless ruff them to the edge where they beg for my mercy. This is my dark side and society has cause me to be this way. I was born innocence, care free, friendly person, but the more I live the more I grow to be angry, lonely, miserable, and sick. Is it possible for me to not ever know what love is? It is more than likely I will be alone. Sometime I sit on my ASS thinking I wish I was a girl sometime.
