My depressed thoughts thread

[Jesse]

Thank you deirdre for all of your helpful words.

I think you're right. I feel like all those things you are advising me to do I have been doing the past couple years. I never did what my family wanted me to do- go to college. No, the past few years has been all about finding myself and figuring out who I am and what I want to do. I feel like I'm finally at that place, or near that place for the first time. It's been a tough process, but I've found so much healing in the last couple years. I'm finally getting myself on track... and I do think maybe past relationships failed because I wasn't ready.

I truly feel ready for life now... ready to live. I've made my way out of the darkness.

awww jesse, you got a lot of life to live between now and where I am at age 60....don't assume just because you are awkward now means you won't connect with anyone....

heck, I was awkward, never dated either.... no one very saw anything of value in me.... and one day there he was. Yeah, well, didn't work... and ya know what? I think it would have been much better for me in the long run that I remained alone, for you see, sometimes really lonely and damaged people seem to gravitate to each other...and then his demons that are torturing you, become your demons, because now you have deal with his demons and you realize you were just two lonely tortured souls whose demons wound up destroying the both of you.

so..... not very helpful huh? Not probably what you need to hear...but maybe what you do need to hear is just try to find yourself now, while you are young. concentrate on you and who you are. I never did that. I filled my life with school and musicals and plays and competitions and music lessons and racquetball and running and dancing and singing and nine million other stupid activities and didn't concentrate on figuring out just who I really was and just what I really wanted from my life. Ya gotta have a plan. I never realized that til now...I just followed the pre-made plans of my parents and did what was expected from me, never asked myself "Deirdre, just want do YOU really really want to do?"

You can't be with anyone successfully until you got that figured out. You can, like me, get embroiled in that rush of a relationship, but it ulitmately won't work out, just like mine, because you never took the time to know yourself and set your goals and not allowed yourself to get derailed from your own life because of someone elses.

You find your course, set your own agenda, know who you are, and I think everything will fall into place and no one is going to have power over you to keep you from what it is you want to achieve, because when you are on your right and true path, you will only meet those and resonate to those who are also on that same right and true path. That is how you wind up complementing eachother and growing together.... so find yourself NOW. Be aware of what it is you truly want to achieve now....and everything else just falls into line. I really believe this. I wish you much luck and brightest blessings...and really, don't assume the rest of your life will be this empty or unhappy. Once you get on track with where you are going and set your course, I truly believe you will find yourself amid compatible souls who will enhance your life. ((((((((((( hugz))))))))))))

and don't listen to the judgemental nasty people out there who think they know it all...they don't. they have no clue who you are.

 

[deirdre]

I am so smiling here!!!! It really isn't as dark as you think it is Jesse, you ARE doing the right things, and maybe it is just that things are darker before the big storm of creativity, passion and wondrous things that are just on the horizon for you....it will come. I know it will...all you want will come to you. I have often said that the worst four letter word I know is TIME.

For me, looking down the shotgun barrel of old age now, time is running out. For you, in your youth and exuberance and life force just bursting forth, time is at a standstill. I wish the very best for you and just be sure to stay true to yourself, never accept unacceptable behavior from anyone for any reason. Remember, love should never hurt. Never. I thought I was doing the right thing, standing by my man, toughing it out, pain was just acceptable because being alone would be far worse....but that really wasn't true..... all it did was destroy me, and ultimately my health, in the long run. Your body can only deal with stress, pain and constant anxiety for so long, at some point something is going to just give.... for me my wake up call was the cancer. I hope and pray you never have to learn this the hard way. Best wishes and believe. believe in you. believe in the gifts you have and the compassionate heart you own will soon resonate with just exactly the right heart...it will hear your own and then the magic begins ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

here is a very special poem I love by Joy Harjo, who is a wondrous native American poet. I hope you like it.

This is My Heart

This is my heart. It is a good heart.
Bones and a membrane of mist and fire
are the woven cover.
When we make love in the flower world
my heart is close enough to sing
to yours in a language that has no use
for clumsy human words.

My head is a good head, but it is a hard head
and it whirs inside with a swarm of worries.
What is the source of this singing, it asks
and if there is a source why can't I see it
right here, right now
as real as these hands hammering
the world together
with nails and sinew?

This is my soul. It is a good soul.
It tells me, "come here forgetful one."
And we sit together with a lilt of small winds
who rattle the scrub oak.
We cook a little something
to eat: a rabbit, some sofkey
then a sip of something sweet
for memory.

This is my song. It is a good song.
It walked forever the border of fire and water
climbed ribs of desire to my lips to sing to you.
Its new wings quiver with
vulnerability.

Come lie next to me, says my heart.
Put your head here.
It is a good thing, says my soul.

~ Joy Harjo ~

 

[Jesse]

Wow, wonderful poem and more great advice Thank you Deirdre.

Do you still have cancer?

I am so smiling here!!!! It really isn't as dark as you think it is Jesse, you ARE doing the right things, and maybe it is just that things are darker before the big storm of creativity, passion and wondrous things that are just on the horizon for you....it will come. I know it will...all you want will come to you. I have often said that the worst four letter word I know is TIME.

For me, looking down the shotgun barrel of old age now, time is running out. For you, in your youth and exuberance and life force just bursting forth, time is at a standstill. I wish the very best for you and just be sure to stay true to yourself, never accept unacceptable behavior from anyone for any reason. Remember, love should never hurt. Never. I thought I was doing the right thing, standing by my man, toughing it out, pain was just acceptable because being alone would be far worse....but that really wasn't true..... all it did was destroy me, and ultimately my health, in the long run. Your body can only deal with stress, pain and constant anxiety for so long, at some point something is going to just give.... for me my wake up call was the cancer. I hope and pray you never have to learn this the hard way. Best wishes and believe. believe in you. believe in the gifts you have and the compassionate heart you own will soon resonate with just exactly the right heart...it will hear your own and then the magic begins ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

here is a very special poem I love by Joy Harjo, who is a wondrous native American poet. I hope you like it.

This is My Heart

This is my heart. It is a good heart.
Bones and a membrane of mist and fire
are the woven cover.
When we make love in the flower world
my heart is close enough to sing
to yours in a language that has no use
for clumsy human words.

My head is a good head, but it is a hard head
and it whirs inside with a swarm of worries.
What is the source of this singing, it asks
and if there is a source why can't I see it
right here, right now
as real as these hands hammering
the world together
with nails and sinew?

This is my soul. It is a good soul.
It tells me, "come here forgetful one."
And we sit together with a lilt of small winds
who rattle the scrub oak.
We cook a little something
to eat: a rabbit, some sofkey
then a sip of something sweet
for memory.

This is my song. It is a good song.
It walked forever the border of fire and water
climbed ribs of desire to my lips to sing to you.
Its new wings quiver with
vulnerability.

Come lie next to me, says my heart.
Put your head here.
It is a good thing, says my soul.

~ Joy Harjo ~

 

[idle]

You guys make a good couple.

 

[deirdre]

nope, I fought cancer for over 10 years really..... finally I seem to be cancer free, but every year another medical problem seems to crop up, I'm in the deteriorating cycle now LOL. I'm a tough old broad, wish I could stop this terrible overeating, it's just me and the refrigerator most days...and I found this great restaurant in town that chucks out all this great food into their dumpster...it was kinda gross in the summer time, but now it's perfect. My best friend is food, sad to say. Oh well..... maybe I can out of this house soon, maybe someone will hire me again. never know, right???

and miss idle, maybe your mom never mentioned this to you, but if you have nothing of value to say nor nothing nice, it is just bad manners and best not to say anything at all. Your comments are so caustic and sarcastic. Did you know the root of the word sarcasm is from the Greek word meaning "to tear flesh?" not a pretty thought.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...there's bunch of memeries stored in my brain.
Some are of good times and some are of not so good.

I did an excersize suggested from a book I read many years ago.
It suggested that I make a list of good moments in my life..
Go as far back as I can..Even in my early childhood.
It was difficult at first becuase of trumanic event in my life...
However I continue to search for good, happy, joyful moments
in my life. The list got longer and longer....

This excersize helped me recongnized my thinking or habits of think
patterns. The unhappy painful moments in my life jumpped out at me
more, while the happy moments didn't becuase happy, joyful moments
in my life had a clamer feelings to them.

My thought patterns before that was playing unhappy moments in
my life over and over again...

My thoughts drives my feelings...
My negative thoughts coloured my perceptions of life

The list of happy moments of my life was brought forward of my thoughts
more. I would read them every so often to remind myself of happy moments. Happy thoughts also colure my experince in life...

In the mean time I also started to cherish the good times more in
the presence or moment of my life. This helps me have more memories
of possitive experinces.

This help me changed my attitude or perceptions in life.

This process also helped me in controling or disciplining my mind or brain.
I have a chioce. I'm free to think or feel as I chose.
Knowing this and having gone through the excersize...
I became more aware...I know at the core of my being that I was
responsible for my thinking and feelings...

Other times I couldn't stopped my thinking...
I started praticing meditations...
This helped me in LETTING GO of my thoughts.
My thoughts has a much meanings to them as I give it.
Bascailly I didn't have to figure out what gose in my mind all the time.
This helps me to BE in a state of PEACE and in the MOMENT, not
what's in my head.
Graudaully..I praticed living in the moment. By living in the moment,
I'm more open to good experinces in my life.

You know...A simple walk with someone I love. I experinced in the
moment and went with the flow in the moment...I cherish this.
You know...the simple and good things in life are free...Stop and smell the roses.

On a rainey days or when I'm going through a bad time....
I can chose to retrive these happy moments I've experinced.
My attitude of life changed...Life wasn't all bad...It never was.

I learn to separate my thoughts from who I am or identify myself
as what I think...I'm not my thoughts. I'm not my feelings..
I have thoughts and feelings...

example...
I'm not lonely...I think I'm lonely. I feel lonely
I'm not sad...I think I'm sad. I feel sad

hahahaha..If I've stopped identifying myself as my thoughts...
common sence...I've stopped identifying myself of what others think about me too.

 

[deirdre]

Lonesome crow...very wise and intelligent posting. I too believe our brains get wired for certain thinking.... especially when we are very young and experience great traumas and pain...after awhile, what you do to survive and cope becomes the way your brain processes other events that crop up later in life that seem threatening or painful. It is enormously hard to change your wiring....but it can be done. I truly believe this..... I have clung to this thought ever since I heard that quote from Abe Lincoln: most people are only as happy as they make up their minds to be. there is much truth in that statement....

modern research has also proven, thru epigenetics, your dna becomes wired too, your environment can drastically change the actual structure of your dna.... just fascinates me...

i guess it is disturbing to me to see so very many young people feeling so hopeless and depressed, there is so much they can do NOW to change everything if they are willing to do the work.

I don't know if I am just unwilling to do this work anymore or just too plain tuckered out. I have always taken pride in the fact that I have survived so much, but then to put the label on me as a survivor, somehow implies I was a victim, which sometimes I was...but I think I got stuck there, my whole identity became one of being a victim, and the thought processes that grow from that thought. I have struggled mightily to change that thought....I am not a survivor, but a thriver..... so many people have so much less across the board than me, I try so hard to look at all I do have, I still have my house, I may have to dumpster dive to get food, but I always can find more than enough food, I have the world of literature, books, poetry, music all free from a local library, I can't afford to heat my house, but a kind stranger gave me a little portable ceramic heater, which is wonderful and keeps me toasty warm in the room I am in, I often can't drive, but I still can pedal a bike on the good days. I so try to look at all the abundance of things in my life that more than half the world over can only dream of...so many people are homeless, have no access to food at all, have no heat at all, in so many countries, clean water is scarce. Hopefully once the holidays are over, I won't be so gosh darn depressed and will get back on track with my life. I do hope so. Thanks for posting, I needed to hear that and read it and remind myself of all you said.

 

[idle]

nope, I fought cancer for over 10 years really..... finally I seem to be cancer free, but every year another medical problem seems to crop up, I'm in the deteriorating cycle now LOL. I'm a tough old broad, wish I could stop this terrible overeating, it's just me and the refrigerator most days...and I found this great restaurant in town that chucks out all this great food into their dumpster...it was kinda gross in the summer time, but now it's perfect. My best friend is food, sad to say. Oh well..... maybe I can out of this house soon, maybe someone will hire me again. never know, right???

and miss idle, maybe your mom never mentioned this to you, but if you have nothing of value to say nor nothing nice, it is just bad manners and best not to say anything at all. Your comments are so caustic and sarcastic. Did you know the root of the word sarcasm is from the Greek word meaning "to tear flesh?" not a pretty thought.

Mr*

 

[samba101]

Idle I'd like to say that you do seem sarcastic and it is uncalled for, just think twice before you reply.

 

[idle]

Idle I'd like to say that you do seem sarcastic and it is uncalled for, just think twice before you reply.

You're going to ban me for being sarcastic?