My issues revisited

[septicemia]

My first thread on the matter is here
http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=13118&page=1

I want to revisit this now because I have this massive crush on this amazingly wonderful man that is way out of my league. This is the first man in like, ever that I can actually picture myself being with forever. Nothing has happened between us, and likely never will, but I am having anxiety about the whole thing anyway, because well, thats just what I do.

Lets say the far chance I actually end up with this man I am crushing on. I respect him, honor him and am loyal to him in every way because he is such a wonderful man and deserves to be treated so. The likelyhood of anyone just flat out asking "were you a prostitute ever? Did you concentually fresia any family members ever?" is next to none and I know this. But what DOES happen quite often is somethign will come up in conversation due to something on TV or in the news or whatever. Something so seemingly benign like "Ew I would NEVER want to be with someone who had been a whore," clealry could open up a HUGE can of worms if you are talking to me. One time I was watching something on TV about hookers with my stepdad and in conversation he said "I have never known anyone who was a prostitute."

Anyway, so what if this (or any) wonderful man that I am totally into says something like he would never want to be with a woman who had sold herself? Aside from feeling obligated to tell him so that he is actually making that decision for himself as opposed to me not telling him and therefor making it for him, am I morally obligated to disclose that part of my past? Not telling when a comment like that is made is the same as lying right?

The only thing I can relate this too is men who are exneedle users. If he knew he was clean, or just had Hep C (which isnt sexually transmitted, Drs. dont even recommend that monogamous couples where one has hep. c use protection) I wouldnt necessarly expect him to come out and tell me this, but if I said something about wanting to know if a man had ever been a needle user to him, I would expect him to tell me. But on the other hand, I would kind of expect him to just tell me he was a needle user (though I would probably be able to tell anyway because of scarring).

Honestly I know I am overly sensitive to these things but there have been a few times when conversation or comments were sparked by a tv show or news article, and someone who I love dearly unknowingly hurt my feelings. Lets face it people say bad things about hookers, and people who fresia their stepsiblings are weirdos too. It would cut me deep for a man I love to say something in passing, he wouldnt know, it wouldnt be his fault. The thought of knowing that if he really knew me, he would be upset/disgusted with me... living like that would be horrible. So more and more the right thing to do seems to be to at the very least tell about selling myself. Though honestly I dont imagine any man actually being able to fully respect me after learning such a thing(s).

Also, Brian glad to hear it wasnt the herp

Stephanie your words did not fall on deaf ears

 

[xBleedingHeartx]

Well...uhm....I'm the farthest thing from an "expert" on relationships you will ever find...
but I will say this about honesty..

It has the ability to heal wounds that would otherwise be open forever, and it can completely avoid some troubles...
Because if you love this man as much as you say, if you do end up with him you will become very close...
and...well...when you're close to someone, at least for me, spotting a lie is about as hard as picking your nose.
So I mean...regardless of what he may think of your past...what happens if he does actually love you already, he agrees...then finds out some other way?
That would probably be bad...and hurtful for both of you


P.S just out of curiosity why do you consider him out of your league?

 

[ShybutHi]

It's quite a hard one really because it depend's on the person and how understanding they are... People can change ofcourse, some people have just been in bad situation's or made bad decision's and the person should not really be blamed for it. I think if the guy really like's you he should not judge you for it unless he is not very understanding or forgiving. Infact if he likes you then he would actually be empathic about it and help you if issue's ever give you grief.

Honesty, communication and trust are key in a relationship and if a relationship form's and goes somewhere from this then there is ofcourse a big change these issue's will arise. I think the best thing to do is to sit down and have a proper adult talk with the guy if the issue's arise. You might be surprised, it may even go very smoothly. The last thing you want is for these issue's to come out in the open at a bad time and it turn into an argument or whatever.

You never know this guy could be the one... if you like him so much, if you want him... then you should probably go after him. Perhaps tell him how you feel. This guy must of made a big impact on you! Your words sure make it sound like you really do like and respect this man alot.

Btw im curious aswell... why do you think this guy is out of your league and why do you think nothing will ever happen between you and this guy??

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi septicemia,
I read your original post back when you first posted it and I'm concerned about your alluding to "consensually" having sex with your older step brother. How old were you and how old was he? Were you under 18? if so, he took advantage of you. Did he ply you with drugs and/or alcohol? Even if you liked the attention he was giving and your body responded in a sexual way, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT CONSENSUAL!!!! I hope you don't mind me asking whether you were ever molested as a child (apart from your step brother). It sounds like you've been violated a lot. As for whether of not a guy would care about whether a woman has sold herself in the past, I think that's a side issue. I hope you can find some peace with your past; keep us posted on how you're doing. I applaud your courage in sharing your story here.

Teresa

 

[septicemia]

Hi, thank you three for your very kind responses. I didnt mean to ignore any of you, after so many days I thought this thread had fallen by the wayside with no replies.

Well thankfully its a nonissue, because as I figured, he doesnt like me. Its all good, hes very nice and I am happy to know him, but I am over it.

Bleedingheart there are so, so many reasons, both superficial and psychological I am sure.

ShybutHi I think you basically summed it up in that not everyone is going to be as understanding as others are. I do have a lot of respect for this man, hes pretty dang wonderful in so many ways. Like I said, there are so many reasons why I know he doesnt want to date me. I have a lot of personal issues to work on that I would not want to subject a stable man to, and a stable man wouldnt want to take on some damaged woman anyway.

Sophias mom, no. I was just over 18, he is not much older then me, and yes, there was serious drug use happening. Only weird, wild things like that happen under the influence of drugs LOL. It was all totally consensual. Part of me does feel violated, but I think really thats just a way for me to want to cop out of taking responsibility for the fact that I used him just as much as he used me. And honestly, the whole depravity of it all was quite fun for me.

Now when I think about it, it makes my skin crawl, it makes me want to throw up, it makes me so grossed out with myself. I actually feel better about being a prostitute then I do about sleeping with my stepbrother.

 

[jjam]

Though honestly I dont imagine any man actually being able to fully respect me after learning such a thing(s).

You have no idea just how much some men respect honesty and sincerity. We all make mistakes. I'd like to think that you'd want a man who not only understands this, but understands that it is important to forgive people. Go in. Don't expect (because you could get burned big time), but have a little hope that he'll appreciate your honesty, sincerity, and will demonstrate that he has a good capacity for empathy and forgiveness. In a way, it would be a test. You've made him out to be wonderful. If he is such, he should pass with flying colors.

edit:
just read... well, a whole lot more than I had prior to making this post.
Okay. So what I said can apply to future men of interest. And it's not just for you, but for any man/woman who may come across this post.

 

[septicemia]

jjam, you are so right. I would only want a man who would be understanding, I would not waste my energy liking someone who would judge me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It can be a can of worms and major
issues for a lot of people.

Some people will never understand it
nor can accept it..
Some live shelter lives. and can be very judgmental. Critical and sometimes down right nasty and mean about it.

Have u seeked any type of couseling, treament or therapy?

Maybe ur in sometype of recovery
at the moment....IDK

All these things are coming up again...

Maybe a part of you wants to let go
of your past...pains. Guilt and shame.?
It can be a healing process for you.

What people say (unknowingly) will trigger a lot of emotions inside of you.

I dont believe you are neieve to a lot
of thiings in life.

You dont have to disclose anything to
anyone you chose not to turst.
Yes...sometimes were as sick as our
secrets....but worms do dry out and die in sunlight.

I dont have all the answers...
I do know what unconditional love is.

---

Not all men are the same..you know this..

You pretty much rid of control
freaks from ur life in many ways.
You probably had plenty of guys
that wanna save you or guys that made empty promises.

I hope you meet someone that can love you as you need and want to
be loved.

In the mean time please take care
of yourself and the many challenges
you have.

 

[septicemia]

Lonesome Crow I have to say, I am not always on board with what I have seen you say on other threads, but you have been very helpful and comforting to me on my threads. Thank you. I think you really hit on it with trust, that should really be my deciding factor on telling or not, and for that matter, if I dont trust a man, I shouldnt be with him.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well. Im not Jesus and you're not Marry Magnelin...

None of us can see eye to eye
on everything...and its ok.

Trust and true Love isnt easy to
come by. Maybe thats what keeps
some of us going or living.

Be well

.