Hi everyone... Like many of you probably did, I found this site by typing "I am lonely" in google. If I think about it that way, it almost seems creepy in a way, like this forum is just a huge sociological/psychological experiment...run by the government. Or aliens 
Maybe we'll all be beamed up to the mothership...
Anyways, my name is Shane, I'm 23 years old, from Chicago. I've been lonely for the majority of my life, although I rarely admit that about myself. I've always felt different from other people, maybe because there were very few Asians in my neighborhood when I grew up - I grew up in a predominantly WASP neighborhood. I don't know... I hate to blame others for my personality (it seems irresponsible or immature, somehow...) anyways, for whatever reason, I've always felt different than other people and have had difficulty relating to them. I had very low self esteem and was very angry as a teenager and would cut myself, burn myself, punch holes in walls, and took everything as an insult. I started mellowing out around junior year of high school, but maybe I just stopped caring. Ever since then, when times are bad, I can sometimes manage to convince myself that everything I experience is only a dream.
I've heard since I was little that if you want a good, happy life, you need to work hard. I've always believed this, but lately I think maybe it was this attitude that makes me so lonely.
I always feel the need to accomplish things, because I feel like if I don't accomplish things, nothing good will happen. I'm good at sports, I graduated near the top of my high school, got a full scholarship to one of the best universities in the country, graduated with highest honors , and got several job offers to prestigious companies. I've been working as a consultant for close to two years now at a good firm. I feel like I should feel good about my life, but I still feel like nothing good has happened, and I feel very alone.
I've never had any close friends, besides my ex-girlfriend. We've been together off and on for six years, but we had a rocky relationship for the first few years and we stopped telling people we were together, although we continued to act as if we were going out. I've never imagined what my life would be like without her, since she's my only friend and the only person that calls me every day and the only person who really knows me as a person. I can't remember more than a few times in the past six years that I haven't talked to her for an extended period of time. I had friends that I wasn't very close with, but they all faded away as I spent more and more time with my girlfriend. When we had fights and weren't talking to each other, I would feel so lonely it was unbearable. I often thought of killing myself at these times, but I never thought that I would actually do it. I guess I just like thinking that there's always some escape, even if it's drastic. I think deep down inside, I feel like I don't deserve to die, because I feel like I've worked hard, and, if the world is fair, I should have a good life. I guess I just can't let go of the feeling that the world is fair...and that's why I'll probably never kill myself.
Last week she decided to end our relationship, because she said she was tired of her life here in Illinois (no job, no family, no friends), unready to settle down, and she became friends with a group of people that she met from the west coast. She slept with one of them, and this guy she slept with asked her to come visit him at his place on the west coast. We had a big fight over her sleeping with him, but in the end, I forgave her because she said that she loved me, and not him, and she wanted to be with me, and that I was her best friend and the most important person in the world to her. She said she still wanted to visit him, not because of him, but because it was like a possibility of a new life, and a new group of friends, and maybe a new job. She said she wouldn't go if I told her not to, since she didn't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I told her that if I told her not to go, she would probably just resent me, since she said she was already bored in Illinois with no family, no friends, and no job. I told her she should go, but that if she didn't want to jeopardize our relationship, she should set boundaries with this guy and tell him she was just interested in visiting the area and that group of people, not him in particular, and wouldn't be visiting him as anything more than a friend.
Before she left, she promised that nothing would happen and that she would make it clear to this guy that she wouldn't be sleeping with him.
Anyways...she called me when she got there and told me that he was expecting her to sleep with him, and that it would make it awkward for her to be hanging out with that group of people if she didn't sleep with him, since they all kind of assumed that she was there to visit him as more than a friend. She told me that she felt like she should just go with it since she wanted a chance at something completely different and if sleeping with this guy was part of the deal, then so be it.
So she's gone now...and I'm still here.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I do have interests and hobbies... but I can't get over the feeling that my life is meaningless. I don't really know how to relate to people... and I'm not sure that I can learn how to. I just work, go the gym, and sleep. I've always been like that, just keeping my head down and working hard to accomplish things, but before, at least my ex-girlfriend was able to make me feel like my accomplishments meant something. I felt like working and making money was worthwhile since I could spend it on her, on us. Now I feel like nothing I have or do means anything.
Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I reach out to old acquaintances and friends, but none of them take me seriously. They tell me, "You're good looking, athletic, smart, and have a good job. What do you have to complain about? Anyone would want to have your life." I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope now, though... I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel empty, and tired of working hard for a good life that never seems to come. I tell myself it's just a dream anyways...that maybe it never happened, since I'm alone and no one is here to tell me my memories are real. But even when I tell myself it's just a dream, I still feel so empty.
Anyways, sorry for the sob story... I just needed to talk to some people that can maybe understand and empathize with my situation. I almost feel like I don't deserve empathy, since I've never really been able to relate to others.
Maybe we'll all be beamed up to the mothership... Anyways, my name is Shane, I'm 23 years old, from Chicago. I've been lonely for the majority of my life, although I rarely admit that about myself. I've always felt different from other people, maybe because there were very few Asians in my neighborhood when I grew up - I grew up in a predominantly WASP neighborhood. I don't know... I hate to blame others for my personality (it seems irresponsible or immature, somehow...) anyways, for whatever reason, I've always felt different than other people and have had difficulty relating to them. I had very low self esteem and was very angry as a teenager and would cut myself, burn myself, punch holes in walls, and took everything as an insult. I started mellowing out around junior year of high school, but maybe I just stopped caring. Ever since then, when times are bad, I can sometimes manage to convince myself that everything I experience is only a dream.
I've heard since I was little that if you want a good, happy life, you need to work hard. I've always believed this, but lately I think maybe it was this attitude that makes me so lonely.
I always feel the need to accomplish things, because I feel like if I don't accomplish things, nothing good will happen. I'm good at sports, I graduated near the top of my high school, got a full scholarship to one of the best universities in the country, graduated with highest honors , and got several job offers to prestigious companies. I've been working as a consultant for close to two years now at a good firm. I feel like I should feel good about my life, but I still feel like nothing good has happened, and I feel very alone.
I've never had any close friends, besides my ex-girlfriend. We've been together off and on for six years, but we had a rocky relationship for the first few years and we stopped telling people we were together, although we continued to act as if we were going out. I've never imagined what my life would be like without her, since she's my only friend and the only person that calls me every day and the only person who really knows me as a person. I can't remember more than a few times in the past six years that I haven't talked to her for an extended period of time. I had friends that I wasn't very close with, but they all faded away as I spent more and more time with my girlfriend. When we had fights and weren't talking to each other, I would feel so lonely it was unbearable. I often thought of killing myself at these times, but I never thought that I would actually do it. I guess I just like thinking that there's always some escape, even if it's drastic. I think deep down inside, I feel like I don't deserve to die, because I feel like I've worked hard, and, if the world is fair, I should have a good life. I guess I just can't let go of the feeling that the world is fair...and that's why I'll probably never kill myself.
Last week she decided to end our relationship, because she said she was tired of her life here in Illinois (no job, no family, no friends), unready to settle down, and she became friends with a group of people that she met from the west coast. She slept with one of them, and this guy she slept with asked her to come visit him at his place on the west coast. We had a big fight over her sleeping with him, but in the end, I forgave her because she said that she loved me, and not him, and she wanted to be with me, and that I was her best friend and the most important person in the world to her. She said she still wanted to visit him, not because of him, but because it was like a possibility of a new life, and a new group of friends, and maybe a new job. She said she wouldn't go if I told her not to, since she didn't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I told her that if I told her not to go, she would probably just resent me, since she said she was already bored in Illinois with no family, no friends, and no job. I told her she should go, but that if she didn't want to jeopardize our relationship, she should set boundaries with this guy and tell him she was just interested in visiting the area and that group of people, not him in particular, and wouldn't be visiting him as anything more than a friend.
Before she left, she promised that nothing would happen and that she would make it clear to this guy that she wouldn't be sleeping with him.
Anyways...she called me when she got there and told me that he was expecting her to sleep with him, and that it would make it awkward for her to be hanging out with that group of people if she didn't sleep with him, since they all kind of assumed that she was there to visit him as more than a friend. She told me that she felt like she should just go with it since she wanted a chance at something completely different and if sleeping with this guy was part of the deal, then so be it.
So she's gone now...and I'm still here.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I do have interests and hobbies... but I can't get over the feeling that my life is meaningless. I don't really know how to relate to people... and I'm not sure that I can learn how to. I just work, go the gym, and sleep. I've always been like that, just keeping my head down and working hard to accomplish things, but before, at least my ex-girlfriend was able to make me feel like my accomplishments meant something. I felt like working and making money was worthwhile since I could spend it on her, on us. Now I feel like nothing I have or do means anything.
Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I reach out to old acquaintances and friends, but none of them take me seriously. They tell me, "You're good looking, athletic, smart, and have a good job. What do you have to complain about? Anyone would want to have your life." I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope now, though... I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel empty, and tired of working hard for a good life that never seems to come. I tell myself it's just a dream anyways...that maybe it never happened, since I'm alone and no one is here to tell me my memories are real. But even when I tell myself it's just a dream, I still feel so empty.
Anyways, sorry for the sob story... I just needed to talk to some people that can maybe understand and empathize with my situation. I almost feel like I don't deserve empathy, since I've never really been able to relate to others.
