My life has been at a stand still ever since I left uni

[Tiger lily]

Hi everyone, I've just joined this forum as I really could do with some advice at the moment.

Im 24 years old and all the way up until I graduated from university I was happy with life. Ive always been a people person who likes making people laugh and always had a small group of close friends.

However ever since I left uni 3 years ago everything has turned into a disaster. Firstly I came back home because I had nothing else planned. Ive lost contact with lituarlly all my friends, either they have moved back home or they moved in with their partners and I never hear from them anymore. I re-connected with old friends from school, but I found Ive chnaged so much since then and they seem to have stayed the same. The converstaions they have are nothing meaningul at all and it just bores me. I got into two designs jobs (which i graduated in) I made no friends in the first job, I was the only girl and all teh men were loud and crude and I ended up feleing so depressed. So i moved jobs again, but now the work is less creative and Im being to think its not even the job for me. stuck in front of a computer all day with no social interaction. Again everyone is male with familes so I cant make a friend out of any of them.

Im a very independant person yet Im still stuck at home which bores me so much, although its very loving at home me and my parents have nothing in common. On top of all this Im 24 and never had a boyfriend and my confidence is dropping because I get no interest from men , mainly because I never meet anyone these days. I'm fairly good looking, interesting and funny but I just have no contact with like minded people. Ive joined groups, activites to try and meet new people, even photography/ art courses, Ive tryed everything but in every case I just meet older people, no one my own age.

Im so lost right now, I feel like I want to move away and have a fresh start in a new city so I can make new friends but I know the lonliness would kill me. Having no one to reply on, the earliest place I could go would be 2.5 hours away. Also is it really right to leave your family? Id feel bad for deserting them. I feel like Ive missed the boat in everything. I no longer know what I want from life and nothing has changed in 3 years! Im beginning to feel like a differnet person. My parents are very unhappy for me and they can see how sad I am, but only I can changed things. Yet I don't know what to do. Ive not had a laugh with anyone for ...well I can hardly remember. I long to have my old happy self back but I don't know how.

Im adventourous person at heart and I feel like im not being true to myself staying in my home town which s a boring place. But I feel like the courage it would take for me to make the move unbearable. How can I do that all on my own, Id be even more unhappy.

If anyone could offer me any wise advice it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[SOLBREAKS]

u miss ur old happy self. i know lots of people who feel this way. I feel that old self people speak of will never come back. u change and its gone. just try to build ur new self even better then ur old self.

 

[Tiger lily]

u miss ur old happy self. i know lots of people who feel this way. I feel that old self people speak of will never come back. u change and its gone. just try to build ur new self even better then ur old self.

Thanks Solbreaks. I can see where you are coming from.

 

[Tramp]

Hey Lily,

I can identify with a lot of what you've said. It's hard meeting people beyond university as you transition into professional life. You sound like an interesting person, so I don't really see why guys wouldn't be interested in you. I too sometimes think of moving away from all of this and start a new life, but again, the loneliness could be hard to overcome. I have few friends as it is already and moving to a new place where I don't know anyone does scare me.

Unfortunately, I have no advice, but what I can say though is that it's pretty natural to be going through this. It's the quarter-life crisis (wiki it) and a lot of people our age seem to experience it. I know, this is probably of very little consolation.

 

[misa]

well, you don't have to work in the field you graduated in. you can move to a different town and live with burn outs for a few months until you find a new job... imho the more jobs you do the better you will know what you want...

i think you need adventure and a change of scenery. i don't mean to be insensitive but there's a phrase 'cut the apron ties' at your age its good to leave home because you crave to be independent. it doesn't mean that you can't go back but you should leave for a while.

you could join the circus

also i think that you should know that maybe you don't know as much as you think you know. you must try new things and challenge yourself. stop comparing yourself to old friends and make new friends.

i feel that you just want to change and grow but you don't know how to start. its like running away. you just have to quit your current job, get your stuff, leave your inhibitions behind.

good luck.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Do what you need to do, right now you are lucky. Unlike your friends who have relationships and possibly kids, you have nothing to stop you from exploring life. Move if you need to, it sounds like your parents will support any decision you make. I live a few hours away from my mother and brother, but I go back every weekend to visit them. Be happy, do what is going to make you happy. Who knows, you could end up somewhere and meet the guy you've been looking for.

 

[This Isnt Jim]

the old go-and-try never fails, at the very least u will know what u dont have to do the next time, lol

 

[Tiger lily]

the old go-and-try never fails, at the very least u will know what u dont have to do the next time, lol

Thanks, Si fi, misa and This isnt Jim


But I know I will feel so ost and lonely if I move to a new town especially with no real plan in mind. I will have just enough money to scrap by IF I manage to get new work. Everyone I've spoken to lately that i've suggested moving out to says id be silly, as Id be moving away to the unknown where as at the mo Im safe and stable income.

I truely don't know what I want only that moving away even though I can see it being good in terms of freedom it will make me very lonely.

Im tryig to make new friends, but it seems so difficult once out of eduacation, you dont see people on a long enough basis to form the deep friendships I need. Its all very casual.

 

[NOAH_FX]

the old go-and-try never fails, at the very least u will know what u dont have to do the next time, lol

Thanks, Si fi, misa and This isnt Jim


But I know I will feel so ost and lonely if I move to a new town especially with no real plan in mind. I will have just enough money to scrap by IF I manage to get new work. Everyone I've spoken to lately that i've suggested moving out to says id be silly, as Id be moving away to the unknown where as at the mo Im safe and stable income.

I truely don't know what I want only that moving away even though I can see it being good in terms of freedom it will make me very lonely.

Im tryig to make new friends, but it seems so difficult once out of eduacation, you dont see people on a long enough basis to form the deep friendships I need. Its all very casual.

Hey Lily:I know what you mean, since i've started my "Career" i've really only made one new friend through work, and that took almost 2 years of interaction. Making new friends becomes much more difficult when your new to an area, but with each new friend you do make more doors will open and you'll meet new people. You can join a class... Like kickboxing..
Meet new people AND you get to kick things comon, it dosen't get much better than that.

 

[Tiger lily]

the old go-and-try never fails, at the very least u will know what u dont have to do the next time, lol

Thanks, Si fi, misa and This isnt Jim


But I know I will feel so ost and lonely if I move to a new town especially with no real plan in mind. I will have just enough money to scrap by IF I manage to get new work. Everyone I've spoken to lately that i've suggested moving out to says id be silly, as Id be moving away to the unknown where as at the mo Im safe and stable income.

I truely don't know what I want only that moving away even though I can see it being good in terms of freedom it will make me very lonely.

Im tryig to make new friends, but it seems so difficult once out of eduacation, you dont see people on a long enough basis to form the deep friendships I need. Its all very casual.

Hey Lily:I know what you mean, since i've started my "Career" i've really only made one new friend through work, and that took almost 2 years of interaction. Making new friends becomes much more difficult when your new to an area, but with each new friend you do make more doors will open and you'll meet new people. You can join a class... Like kickboxing..
Meet new people AND you get to kick things comon, it dosen't get much better than that.

Unless your a high flyer why do nice girls not get interest from interesting men?
I just want a quiet life ...but not alone.

 

[The-One]

Here's one idea, go back to university, or do a part time course. One of the reasons I am doing post graduate studies is because I didnt want to leave the university system, at least not yet. Or failing that, do what lonely salarymen and salarywomen do. Get smashed off your head at the weekend and snog anything within a 2 mile radius.

Because to be honest, your life sounds like Jenny from the IT crowd, sans Roy and Moss.

 

[Tiger lily]

Here's one idea, go back to university, or do a part time course. One of the reasons I am doing post graduate studies is because I didnt want to leave the university system, at least not yet. Or failing that, do what lonely salarymen and salarywomen do. Get smashed off your head at the weekend and snog anything within a 2 mile radius.

Because to be honest, your life sounds like Jenny from the IT crowd, sans Roy and Moss.

Ive not seen that, What is this Jenny like?

I don't think Ive done anything different to what anyone else would do in my situation. I have joined college courses and even sports activities but the new contacts Ive made since leaving uni even after all this time make me feel just as lost. There is no meaning in these relationships, Ive not found anyone I really click with.

 

[Mundy]

I can totally relate to what you're saying. My situation at the moment is very similar, I graduated from university in July 2009 and since then I moved back home to save money, find a job and pass my driving test. I never thought i'd find the transition from university life to being back home that difficult, for me it was something that I needed to do, to pass my driving test mainly and also to work out where I wanted to go in life.

Unfortunately for me, living in a village in the middle of nowhere and not being able to drive, with no real friends around me and working as a waiter/barman in a country pub doesn't leave me much to be satisfied with. I feel a million miles away from any like-minded people. It just makes me think if i've made the wrong decision somewhere down the line.

I guess my best advice is to keep (or rekindle) any friendships you had with people at university and spend some good sociable time with them. It's harder to plan things when people have moved back home or wherever I know, it does take a bit more planning, but it makes it more worthwhile if there's effort put into spending time with people you like, rather than meeting up with whoever just to pass the time. I just think spending time like this reminds you of who you are and can be a bit of a confidence boost when with the right people.

Being at home with the parents at our age is enough to drive anyone mad, and the fear of moving out is something I can relate to also. I think my main fear is being stuck somewhere, in a job I don't like, working to pay the rent in a place that i'm not familiar with and where I don't know anybody. But what i've been doing recently is looking into places I could move and also for other jobs around those areas, there's no real rush to move so don't let it get scary, the only person that can make the decision to move is you. I just find that by looking into these things it puts everything i'm doing at the moment into perspective.

The fact is we are at a transitional phase, it's scary as hell but I just think I can't stay at home forever, i'll have to brave moving out at some point but the people who will make it easier are our parents and friends (from university especially). I also think the independence gained from moving out will provide a bit more confidence.

Sorry to blabber on I'm new on here too and it feels like i'm writing to myself as much as I'm writing to you. It's so much easier said than done all of these things but these are challenges we have to face, I'm not going to be lonely forever, even thought at times it may feel like it.

Anyway I hope this helps, don't feel you have to follow my advice because obviously i'm in a similar situation so what do I know? .
On a side note I think joining clubs etc... is a good idea, I may have to try that.

 

[Bread]

Hmmh, lessee...

Well, a big bundle of worries right there. I don't know if I qualify for sage advice, but trying never hurts. Unless there's pointy objects involved. You're an extrovert and not -really- afraid to meet new people, but the biggest thing here is your self-confidence. A bit tricky to give advice there, given that I too suffer from time to time lapses in my 'I can do this, yeah!' attitude. You just got to try and psyche yourself into 'I'm an achiever, woo hoo!' mentality. Just keep doing that over and over until you really start believing it. The mind plays a big part in success and defeat in everyday life.

Me, I didn't believe I could find a woman in this lifetime until recently, when I finally got around to my first date last year. All because of an internet dating site, no less. Boy, was I psyched about that, heh. Of course, it was a disaster, but it showed me that I might have a chance with the fairer sex- and a small chance is always better than none. Which is the chance you'll always have if you do not try. Taking the initiative and risks, it seems hard at times...but taking a quick glance to the future in Dystopia-vision at a lonely old failure of a human life who hasn't lived a day of his life, has no fond memories, no risks, no adventures to his name, who is going to die alone in some institution for the old and decrepit...usually that does the trick and helps me keep on trying.

I didn't really have much of a plan for my life, well, since ever. I tried to get into international business schooling, and after that, sales, and lately, I took a shot at audiovisual stuff, which seems more down my alley. Problem is of course finding employment, or if I go solo, customers. But I know that at least I got to try, now that I am so close to finding a job that I like. It's been a long road, a long search, but there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel, now. I guess putting a big personal investment, emotional and financial wise, helped me. It was a risk, but in retrospect, most likely worth it. Unless six months from now, I'm unemployed, unloved and unsanitary.

Generally have had rather crummy last few years, but things *are* looking up nowadays. It's just important to dedicate yourself to self-improvement each and every week, no, day. You don't like something about your life, well, you got to at least try and change things for the better. And if you can't change the big things, start with the little ones. Improve your home, your health and hopefully these things will help you improve your self-esteem and become a more positive person. One step at a time.

"The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."

Hopefully this was of some use. I'm not really good at pep-talks and the like. But hey, if you feel like talking, you can always PM me.

 

[Blue Bob]

Tiger lily,

I'm a mechanical designer and can relate to the workplace scenario. What type of design do you do?

I started at my job when I was 25. The average age was about 45. The next newest person had been there 7 years. I was the new guy for 11 years.

Being junior to everyone meant I had a lot of dull work. I've been at my job for 22 years now. The last 8 years have been very interesting. It took more than 10 years to get where I wanted to be in my profession. I really like it now.

I don't really think of my co-workers as my friends, more like acquaintances. But in reality I spend a lot of time with them and we truly care about each other (well some of us do).

I've done most of my socializing with my wife and our families. Do you have relatives in your extended family that you could socialize with? Family reunions and wedding receptions are good places to find like minded people (of similar age) that you share common acquaintances with.

I think you should stay at home and work on finding happiness in your job, which might mean changing jobs. You need to enjoy what you do all day. Eventually you'll start dating and have a whole new set of problems, lol.

 

[Notreve]

I just joined this forum so I could be part of this thread. It's great to know there are others who are feeling the same way about this situation.

I haven't left uni (in my final year of a 4 year course), but everyone else has. Like you, Tiger Lily, I've always had a small group of very close friends and always been very independent. My core group of friends (there's 4 of us) decided to stay in the city after uni instead moving back home, while everyone else we knew moved back home. Now it seems like all we have is each other. While I'm lucky to be able to say that it, it seems that life has just become really unfulfilling since everyone else we knew left. We used to socialise all the time, doing various activities and whatever and having a good time. But now they're gone and I barely have any contact with any of them. My core group of friends who stayed all have full time jobs and we see each other when we can. Some of them have work friends but no major social lives out of it.

But I just feel like I've lost the ability to make friends, not because of my own social incapabilities, in fact I think I'm very outgoing and get on very well with people, but it's because I don't move in any social circles anymore. I've exhausted all social ties on my course, over a four year course I've interacted with them enough to know there's no friendships in there. I have a part time job in a bar too, all my colleagues are also uni students and although I get along great with them, I can't help but feel come summer, they will be go back home or move on and I will never speak to them again. It's like it's just not worth putting the effort in and on top of this, despite my student status, I don't feel like a student anymore. My colleagues always want to go out drinking and while I do go with them from to time I just feel like I've somewhat outgrown the student mentality and way of life.

I've tried joining a gym, a local football team and other various activities to try and branch out but for some reason it just seems very difficult. I'm only in uni about 8 hours a week and only work about 20 hours a week, which gives me a lot of spare time and only recently am I finding this is very difficult pass when there's no one around to spend time with. I'm very capable and happy by myself, but I have a LOT of free time and sometimes I just need to be around people, even if it's just someone in the room to watch a movie with.

I graduate in June too and I'm dreading the thought of what happens next. I can't move back with my parents for various reasons, above all else I just couldn't bare the though of it, I'd see it as a big step back for me. I've thought about travelling but simply don't have the money. And I'm at a complete loss of what to do. The obvious step is to find employment, but this thought doesn't exactly excite me in any particular way.

Apologies if I seem rather self-indulgent but I just had to get this out and I'm glad to know that there are people in a similar situation who understand. And sorry too Tiger Lily for offering no inherent advice, I guess I'm in a similar situation to you and looking for the same thing.