N
Northern Lights
Guest
I have a hard time coping when things I've worked hard for result in failure. In all aspects of my life, I am a very hardworking, goal-oriented, and determined person. I've improved significantly in my social skills and went from a suicidal, depressed person to actually being pretty positive most of the time. The latter may be hard to believe since I reserve my outbursts and hateful spewing for here, but I don't think my online personality here truly captures the person I am in real life. On this lonely forum, you are my confidants and unfortunately, see the pained side of me.
I know I am now in a better situation than many of you here, but I was once in crippling, isolated and lonely circumstances a few years ago and for a long time. When I was painfully single, friendless, suffering mental and emotional anguish from 12 years of bullying, verbal abuse from family and in a toxic living situation...I was lonely to the depths of my core and wished for death every time I opened my eyes.
I realized I was lonely and became very sad and withdrawn when I was 8/9. I suffered abuse and was ostracized because of my race. I was taught it was normal to be tormented by Whites because I was different and I was in "their" country despite me being born here. A few years later, my classmates would protest the signing of an anti-racism poster and participating in any anti-racism activities *promoted* by the school. I say promoted lightly, because the teachers did not put an end to racist discussions in the classroom (largely directed to Asians, Natives and Jews). It seemed that racism to most people meant hurting only Blacks which was not acceptable. No one cared about people like me. My feelings didn't matter. Now, things have changed though and people seem scared to be accused to be racist even if they are. I can say that...it's better now but people are more subtle. I can manage though.
After years of constant disappointment, rejection, and too many nights of crying and having gripping chest pains at night...I hit the jackpot and found my partner. He gave me so many great experiences that I never had before. I never had someone that wanted to be with me and actually cared how I felt and what I wanted. With him, I want to live to 100.
Despite all of this...I find myself easily triggered by others. When I'm triggered, the hurt from my past comes rolling in like a storm. Sometimes it's not as heavy, but other times, it brings me to tears and I have the chest pains again.
My colleagues who regularly share happy stories of their childhood, who are surrounded by friends of many years, who have their ideal career, who feel beautiful and so easily get what they want...it seems so easy for them. While I'm happy for them, I'm sad for myself. Why did I have to suffer so young and for so long? Why do I have to fight so desperately for even the small wins in life?
(I understand that I may not know their whole story, but reality is that not everyone has childhoods or lives marked with trauma and pain.)
Another trigger as of late are my struggles with making actual friends. It brings me back to my memories from being alone, constantly, on the playground. I would beg the teachers for a friend to play with but no one wanted me. It was so painful then and it still pains me now. To think that my innocent, young, child self was ostracized and hated by others. As a mother now, I cry when I think of any innocent child to feel so worthless and unaccepted as I did. My friendlessness state carried on and I've spent all of my teen and most of my adult years crying to sleep.
Overall, I can say that I am happy but I wish I could forget my past. I keep getting triggered. I wish I had friends to love me and that I could love back. I admittedly have spewed a lot of hate about people, but the truth is, I'm sad that they don't like me back. I don't register on their care meter or I'm used and discarded. I am in a better place, but when I'm triggered, it's like I'm back where I was before.
I wish I could let go. Maybe I'm just too broken. Maybe it'll take more time. I want to leave the hurt but like a shadow, it follows me wherever I go.
I know I am now in a better situation than many of you here, but I was once in crippling, isolated and lonely circumstances a few years ago and for a long time. When I was painfully single, friendless, suffering mental and emotional anguish from 12 years of bullying, verbal abuse from family and in a toxic living situation...I was lonely to the depths of my core and wished for death every time I opened my eyes.
I realized I was lonely and became very sad and withdrawn when I was 8/9. I suffered abuse and was ostracized because of my race. I was taught it was normal to be tormented by Whites because I was different and I was in "their" country despite me being born here. A few years later, my classmates would protest the signing of an anti-racism poster and participating in any anti-racism activities *promoted* by the school. I say promoted lightly, because the teachers did not put an end to racist discussions in the classroom (largely directed to Asians, Natives and Jews). It seemed that racism to most people meant hurting only Blacks which was not acceptable. No one cared about people like me. My feelings didn't matter. Now, things have changed though and people seem scared to be accused to be racist even if they are. I can say that...it's better now but people are more subtle. I can manage though.
After years of constant disappointment, rejection, and too many nights of crying and having gripping chest pains at night...I hit the jackpot and found my partner. He gave me so many great experiences that I never had before. I never had someone that wanted to be with me and actually cared how I felt and what I wanted. With him, I want to live to 100.
Despite all of this...I find myself easily triggered by others. When I'm triggered, the hurt from my past comes rolling in like a storm. Sometimes it's not as heavy, but other times, it brings me to tears and I have the chest pains again.
My colleagues who regularly share happy stories of their childhood, who are surrounded by friends of many years, who have their ideal career, who feel beautiful and so easily get what they want...it seems so easy for them. While I'm happy for them, I'm sad for myself. Why did I have to suffer so young and for so long? Why do I have to fight so desperately for even the small wins in life?
(I understand that I may not know their whole story, but reality is that not everyone has childhoods or lives marked with trauma and pain.)
Another trigger as of late are my struggles with making actual friends. It brings me back to my memories from being alone, constantly, on the playground. I would beg the teachers for a friend to play with but no one wanted me. It was so painful then and it still pains me now. To think that my innocent, young, child self was ostracized and hated by others. As a mother now, I cry when I think of any innocent child to feel so worthless and unaccepted as I did. My friendlessness state carried on and I've spent all of my teen and most of my adult years crying to sleep.
Overall, I can say that I am happy but I wish I could forget my past. I keep getting triggered. I wish I had friends to love me and that I could love back. I admittedly have spewed a lot of hate about people, but the truth is, I'm sad that they don't like me back. I don't register on their care meter or I'm used and discarded. I am in a better place, but when I'm triggered, it's like I'm back where I was before.
I wish I could let go. Maybe I'm just too broken. Maybe it'll take more time. I want to leave the hurt but like a shadow, it follows me wherever I go.