My obsession

[Rosebolt]

I want to share something here. I'm at a low point at the moment, and i feel like finally letting this go will somehow help. I haven't shared this with anyone for over two years, except for one person, about 7 months ago. I'm a little hesitant and more than a little scared. My apologies.

People who know me well know that i have never been treated well in school. Mostly because i did not stand up for myself. My first 16 years are mostly a blur to me, but i can imagine the only nice thing about school would be to see whatever girl i had a crush on at that moment. This went on. When i was 15, my crush shifted around late october. It was nothing odd at first, until after a few months, where i would normally lose interest and find something else to crush on. This sounds really weird like this. Either way, it didn't fade. Instead, it intensified. And it only kept intensifying. It was the last year of school for me (and her). Approaching the end of the year, i would use every method possible to find out when i would see her again. Excluding comminaction, of course. Indeed, i never talked to her. We exchanged words twice, once because i picked up a pencil on the floor for her, as she was sitting behind me, and the other time because someone near me had a conversation with her. "Why are you so red?" This wasn't uncommon though, talking to the girls i liked was something i don't think i even comprehended back then.

As the final days approached, i knew i was never going to see her again after that. It was getting clear i would fail my exams, and i hoped she would too, so i could see her for another year. Fortunately, she passed. I still remember quite clearly one fragment of the day just after i got back from what was the last time i saw her. And i knew it too. One of the more sad days i experienced. However the feelings did not stop from intensifying further.

As i did not know what she was like (and probably even if i knew) my mind went on a run. A fantasy world. How she would be. Completely out of character, most likely, but it would be the perfect partner. Her personality in my head changing as i learned new things, to keep it being best suited to me. This ran on for a while. A long while. I think she was solace. Something i never had until then. Fleeing into my head wasn't necessarily new, but this was different. I want to call it love, but i'm not sure if it was. It was obsession, that's for sure.

I started composing and recording because of her. Dedicating most of the songs i came up with to her. Initials hidden in usernames, passwords. The number that consisted of the amount of letters in her first name as the first number and her last name as the second, is also something often used. She was all i had, and so i lived solely for her. Everything i did in that time, was for her. And i mean everything. I wasn't worth living for, that thought and that concept was still foreign to me then. It was the kind of obsession that has quite a risk of turning dangerous. I'm not sure if it did, it was obviously very toxic for me, but not sure about others. Probably was.

I was convinced that this was more than something mundane called first love. No one could ever feel what i was feeling for her. I was special. No one would ever understand it even if they tried. To call it a "simple" first love would be downplaying incredibly the love (read: obsession) i had for her. For this reason, i always felt i did not get appreciation and understanding i felt i deserved. Feeling very unappreciated for what i do and have done is something i still struggle with to this day.

The first time i told someone - and by doing so, in my head, betrayed her, as you can guess by now, was something very terrible - was in the summer i turned 17. To someone i met at therapy and got along with.

When i was 16 and a half, i met the first person who accepted me, with my masks off, and who was genuinely nice to me. This was incredibly new to me, and i figured she had some "essense" of the girl i obsessed over in her. Everyone i met afterwards who accepted me had this. As nice as people were, as loving the gestures handed to me, i vowed that she would always be number one. Always be loyal to her, and never forgetting. Never.

This went on for a while. Bordering insanity, it got out of hand around november 2012. I did have new crushes since her, i think the first was two years after last seeing her, approximately. Fast forward again to the bordering insanty: Someone from my second therapy group was the unfortunate soul. One night while laying in bed i had a sudden fire in me. I had to tell her. Through email. She politely refused. I think a couple of days later i told her why i felt so bad about it. I figured she had a part of that perfect one in her. Yep. I did that. Realising my insanely stupid mistake, i from then on went on a vow to never tell anyone about her ever again. Keep her to myself. Start feeling better and out of the depression hole, and try to pursue this thing called happiness. If i'd die doing it, it'd be okay, as i'd be with her. Or so i believed.

So i signed up to a forum. One for lonely people, as i felt loneliness was my biggest issue causing the larger picture of suicidality. You might be familiar with this forum, you're on it right now. All i wanted was to learn how to be completely alone, to pursue her and stay away from everyone else. That didn't work out. On the fifth of januari, 2013, a comment from someone who is looong gone now, only staying there for a month or two, made me see something. It made me grasp this first sparkle of happiness. It shook up my world, as i was again tempted to spend less time on her. I felt good, or at least better than ever, which wasn't that hard. I saw what life could be. I can be loyal, i think, so i never told anyone about her regardless. Until about 18 months later, now 7 or so months ago. Since then i never told anyone else. Until now.

Nowadays, i think of this whole experience as that. An experience. Not my entire life anymore. Still more than a simple experience, i think, though i hate to admit that. I see what i grasped as love itself. I've always said that i think love is the most powerful force in the universe. I had a tiny piece of it, and it destroyed me. Well, i let it. More recently, i want to redirect some of the energy to God. For obvious reasons i won't elaborate on that.

This story is also why i feel so much for SkaFish. I feel i can relate to him. If you're reading this. I want to help you more because of this. But i have no idea how, and thus i am largely quiet and neglectful. A trait i tend to have with more people. I hate it, but i guess it's somehow my choice.

Why i'm telling this now is because of yet another low point. Having a crush on someone. We got along really well, but last saturday it was clear that she wasn't into me. Even if she was, i probably wouldn't want to spend my life with her, with some of her traits not being compatible at all. She's a really great friend, so i'm trying to make the transition. It's taking a while. Saw her again today, last time being that saturday. She was sweet. My mind went in full on overdrive, but not long after it just got stuck. It's too much. I have no idea at all what to do with the situation. Considering this background, i thought it might help somehow. It's just a small situation, i'll be over it in a week or so and i know it, but i wanted to share this with the forum for a very long time indeed.

If nothing else, this story shows i'm not very good with vows. Also, i have the tendency to forgot half of a story if i'm telling a (long) one. I'll try to update this when things spring to mind again.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Kudos, M.

It takes a lot of courage to post something so personal.
I have a little experience when it comes to clinging to things I shouldn't so I can understand (at least somewhat) where you're coming from. Thank you for posting and I appreciate the sharing of something so personal.
*hugs*

 

[Rosebolt]

Thank you kindly, i really appreciate it.

 

[jaguarundi]

Its good and, I think, brave, to share this. You strike me as a person who has insight, so I think from what you wrote that you understand the difference between love, and obsession.

Thing is, to have a crush on someone means, really, that you think about them in a way that is not reciprocated. You probably know this but it doesn't do much to dilute these feelings.

Therapists call it ' projection' and I know people who would say its just youthful hormones, but it doesn't make it less painful.

To love and not be loved in return can be very painful indeed.

There is something to think about though. I believe that to be able to love is a gift. There are people who cannot, will not and never truly do, love.

I can't promise that you will find someone who loves you in return . I can't promise that you will not feel this again. But I believe that if you pour your soul into something ( rather than someone) worthwhile, then you will feel worthwhile. That you are, as a person, worthwhile, is of course a given. Even if you don't always think so...

 

[Danielle]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings..its not always an easy thing to do.

I would say that in your current position, I think you are going to handle these feelings well. You are aware of how things could become and you know what to do when the feelings arise. Deep breaths and redirect your attention when the thoughts sneak in. No worries... come here, use the chat room, even if its late at night, there are bound to be people there!

 

[user 115627]

There's little to add what others haven't put straight to the point yet. But I want to salute you for the bravery of telling your story here as well.

And as much as sharing this piece of the past helped yourself on your way to coming to terms with things, let's hope it proves equally insightful to others struggling with a similar fate. So they perceive the fickle nature of a love slowly turning into an almost deadly obsession.

You got your soul and mind in the right place - that's what I could already tell from the little conversation we had so far. You don't need a idle human vessel which you empty your heart into to prove this. Fortunately you realized this before it left you completely drained. So I'll echo what has been said before: You're worth much more than you give yourself credit for.

 

[kamya]

Why did you never talk to her?

Your story reminds me of the movie Ruby Sparks for some reason.

 

[Rosebolt]

Its good and, I think, brave, to share this. You strike me as a person who has insight, so I think from what you wrote that you understand the difference between love, and obsession.

Thing is, to have a crush on someone means, really, that you think about them in a way that is not reciprocated. You probably know this but it doesn't do much to dilute these feelings.

Therapists call it ' projection' and I know people who would say its just youthful hormones, but it doesn't make it less painful.

To love and not be loved in return can be very painful indeed.

There is something to think about though. I believe that to be able to love is a gift. There are people who cannot, will not and never truly do, love.

I can't promise that you will find someone who loves you in return . I can't promise that you will not feel this again. But I believe that if you pour your soul into something ( rather than someone) worthwhile, then you will feel worthwhile. That you are, as a person, worthwhile, is of course a given. Even if you don't always think so...

I actually did not know the meaning of crush as you describe it. I'm not sure if i am honestlly capable of love. If so i have probably yet to experience it. I'm not sure.

Convincing myself i am worthwhile is something i am working on. I notice i fall back into older thinking patterns when feeling lower, so it gets harder. But i'm pretty close to that point, i think. In any case, thank you kindly for your time, and your response, i sincerely appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings..its not always an easy thing to do.

I would say that in your current position, I think you are going to handle these feelings well. You are aware of how things could become and you know what to do when the feelings arise. Deep breaths and redirect your attention when the thoughts sneak in. No worries... come here, use the chat room, even if its late at night, there are bound to be people there!

Thank you very much. I'm glad you took the time to read it. I'll be fine, as you say. I know i will be. I'll see you around in the chat.

There's little to add what others haven't put straight to the point yet. But I want to salute you for the bravery of telling your story here as well.

And as much as sharing this piece of the past helped yourself on your way to coming to terms with things, let's hope it proves equally insightful to others struggling with a similar fate. So they perceive the fickle nature of a love slowly turning into an almost deadly obsession.

You got your soul and mind in the right place - that's what I could already tell from the little conversation we had so far. You don't need a idle human vessel which you empty your heart into to prove this. Fortunately you realized this before it left you completely drained. So I'll echo what has been said before: You're worth much more than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you kindly, it makes me happy to know you took the time to read it, and also comment on it. Selfish as it may sound, i wrote this not with the intent to help others, i did it purely for myself. Though if someone is helped by the story, that would most likely make my day, or even a couple, depending.

Why did you never talk to her?

Your story reminds me of the movie Ruby Sparks for some reason.

That was out of the question for me. This is going to sound weird or maybe immature, but the way i look at my first 16 years of life was as mostly a blur. Not just because i don't remember much, but because i didn't do anything remember. I was alive but did not live. I survived. That was all. Putting myself in unnecessary distress wasn't something i even thinked about.

I did not know the movie you mentioned, so i looked it up. I can understand why this story would remind you of that movie.

 

[ardour]

It was interesting reading your back story. It's tempting to categorise this as something young people suffering isolation and particularly low self-esteem might go through, albeit taken a destructive extreme. At 21, character and personality are still malleable and it seems like you now have the self-awareness and emotional stability to make something more out of the next few years.

Advice from someone who struggles with this: don't 'Google' your crushes; don't attempt to piece together the details of their lives if you can't know them in a legitimate way. It got to the point where I'd search a particular person's name multiple times a day, combing their blog if they had one, looking for any clue as to what was going on with them, just for a photo, an image that wouldn't fade. It was creepy as hell and stalled the process of getting over them.

 

[Rosebolt]

Thanks for your time, ardour. As for your second paragraph. I did that too. That only faded away relatively recently. I like to think i'm all over this now. I might be, but the truth isn't always as that colourful. I'm making good steps though.

I personally have also often thought this might just be one of those teen things that everyone goes through at some point, made more dramatic by me in search of attention. Judging from the posts of the members which have a higher age counter, that may not be the case. Then again, what would it matter. My stories still have value as much as anyone else's, regardless of how common the problem might be.

Even with stories like these, hmm, no, especially because of stories like these, life's just proving to be an amazing adventure, a book that you can't stop reading. Even if you wanted to - which can be a downside. But without that detail, it would probably be quite bleak, stale, and without colour.

 

[sanguineRose]

I just read your story. I do not know much about you but I am glad you shared that experience with us. You are right, we all go through something like that in some part of our lives, especially in our teenage. I am glad to see you coming positive after all that. I hope you will feel better soon.