R
Rosebolt
Guest
I want to share something here. I'm at a low point at the moment, and i feel like finally letting this go will somehow help. I haven't shared this with anyone for over two years, except for one person, about 7 months ago. I'm a little hesitant and more than a little scared. My apologies.
People who know me well know that i have never been treated well in school. Mostly because i did not stand up for myself. My first 16 years are mostly a blur to me, but i can imagine the only nice thing about school would be to see whatever girl i had a crush on at that moment. This went on. When i was 15, my crush shifted around late october. It was nothing odd at first, until after a few months, where i would normally lose interest and find something else to crush on. This sounds really weird like this. Either way, it didn't fade. Instead, it intensified. And it only kept intensifying. It was the last year of school for me (and her). Approaching the end of the year, i would use every method possible to find out when i would see her again. Excluding comminaction, of course. Indeed, i never talked to her. We exchanged words twice, once because i picked up a pencil on the floor for her, as she was sitting behind me, and the other time because someone near me had a conversation with her. "Why are you so red?" This wasn't uncommon though, talking to the girls i liked was something i don't think i even comprehended back then.
As the final days approached, i knew i was never going to see her again after that. It was getting clear i would fail my exams, and i hoped she would too, so i could see her for another year. Fortunately, she passed. I still remember quite clearly one fragment of the day just after i got back from what was the last time i saw her. And i knew it too. One of the more sad days i experienced. However the feelings did not stop from intensifying further.
As i did not know what she was like (and probably even if i knew) my mind went on a run. A fantasy world. How she would be. Completely out of character, most likely, but it would be the perfect partner. Her personality in my head changing as i learned new things, to keep it being best suited to me. This ran on for a while. A long while. I think she was solace. Something i never had until then. Fleeing into my head wasn't necessarily new, but this was different. I want to call it love, but i'm not sure if it was. It was obsession, that's for sure.
I started composing and recording because of her. Dedicating most of the songs i came up with to her. Initials hidden in usernames, passwords. The number that consisted of the amount of letters in her first name as the first number and her last name as the second, is also something often used. She was all i had, and so i lived solely for her. Everything i did in that time, was for her. And i mean everything. I wasn't worth living for, that thought and that concept was still foreign to me then. It was the kind of obsession that has quite a risk of turning dangerous. I'm not sure if it did, it was obviously very toxic for me, but not sure about others. Probably was.
I was convinced that this was more than something mundane called first love. No one could ever feel what i was feeling for her. I was special. No one would ever understand it even if they tried. To call it a "simple" first love would be downplaying incredibly the love (read: obsession) i had for her. For this reason, i always felt i did not get appreciation and understanding i felt i deserved. Feeling very unappreciated for what i do and have done is something i still struggle with to this day.
The first time i told someone - and by doing so, in my head, betrayed her, as you can guess by now, was something very terrible - was in the summer i turned 17. To someone i met at therapy and got along with.
When i was 16 and a half, i met the first person who accepted me, with my masks off, and who was genuinely nice to me. This was incredibly new to me, and i figured she had some "essense" of the girl i obsessed over in her. Everyone i met afterwards who accepted me had this. As nice as people were, as loving the gestures handed to me, i vowed that she would always be number one. Always be loyal to her, and never forgetting. Never.
This went on for a while. Bordering insanity, it got out of hand around november 2012. I did have new crushes since her, i think the first was two years after last seeing her, approximately. Fast forward again to the bordering insanty: Someone from my second therapy group was the unfortunate soul. One night while laying in bed i had a sudden fire in me. I had to tell her. Through email. She politely refused. I think a couple of days later i told her why i felt so bad about it. I figured she had a part of that perfect one in her. Yep. I did that. Realising my insanely stupid mistake, i from then on went on a vow to never tell anyone about her ever again. Keep her to myself. Start feeling better and out of the depression hole, and try to pursue this thing called happiness. If i'd die doing it, it'd be okay, as i'd be with her. Or so i believed.
So i signed up to a forum. One for lonely people, as i felt loneliness was my biggest issue causing the larger picture of suicidality. You might be familiar with this forum, you're on it right now. All i wanted was to learn how to be completely alone, to pursue her and stay away from everyone else. That didn't work out. On the fifth of januari, 2013, a comment from someone who is looong gone now, only staying there for a month or two, made me see something. It made me grasp this first sparkle of happiness. It shook up my world, as i was again tempted to spend less time on her. I felt good, or at least better than ever, which wasn't that hard. I saw what life could be. I can be loyal, i think, so i never told anyone about her regardless. Until about 18 months later, now 7 or so months ago. Since then i never told anyone else. Until now.
Nowadays, i think of this whole experience as that. An experience. Not my entire life anymore. Still more than a simple experience, i think, though i hate to admit that. I see what i grasped as love itself. I've always said that i think love is the most powerful force in the universe. I had a tiny piece of it, and it destroyed me. Well, i let it. More recently, i want to redirect some of the energy to God. For obvious reasons i won't elaborate on that.
This story is also why i feel so much for SkaFish. I feel i can relate to him. If you're reading this. I want to help you more because of this. But i have no idea how, and thus i am largely quiet and neglectful. A trait i tend to have with more people. I hate it, but i guess it's somehow my choice.
Why i'm telling this now is because of yet another low point. Having a crush on someone. We got along really well, but last saturday it was clear that she wasn't into me. Even if she was, i probably wouldn't want to spend my life with her, with some of her traits not being compatible at all. She's a really great friend, so i'm trying to make the transition. It's taking a while. Saw her again today, last time being that saturday. She was sweet. My mind went in full on overdrive, but not long after it just got stuck. It's too much. I have no idea at all what to do with the situation. Considering this background, i thought it might help somehow. It's just a small situation, i'll be over it in a week or so and i know it, but i wanted to share this with the forum for a very long time indeed.
If nothing else, this story shows i'm not very good with vows. Also, i have the tendency to forgot half of a story if i'm telling a (long) one. I'll try to update this when things spring to mind again.
People who know me well know that i have never been treated well in school. Mostly because i did not stand up for myself. My first 16 years are mostly a blur to me, but i can imagine the only nice thing about school would be to see whatever girl i had a crush on at that moment. This went on. When i was 15, my crush shifted around late october. It was nothing odd at first, until after a few months, where i would normally lose interest and find something else to crush on. This sounds really weird like this. Either way, it didn't fade. Instead, it intensified. And it only kept intensifying. It was the last year of school for me (and her). Approaching the end of the year, i would use every method possible to find out when i would see her again. Excluding comminaction, of course. Indeed, i never talked to her. We exchanged words twice, once because i picked up a pencil on the floor for her, as she was sitting behind me, and the other time because someone near me had a conversation with her. "Why are you so red?" This wasn't uncommon though, talking to the girls i liked was something i don't think i even comprehended back then.
As the final days approached, i knew i was never going to see her again after that. It was getting clear i would fail my exams, and i hoped she would too, so i could see her for another year. Fortunately, she passed. I still remember quite clearly one fragment of the day just after i got back from what was the last time i saw her. And i knew it too. One of the more sad days i experienced. However the feelings did not stop from intensifying further.
As i did not know what she was like (and probably even if i knew) my mind went on a run. A fantasy world. How she would be. Completely out of character, most likely, but it would be the perfect partner. Her personality in my head changing as i learned new things, to keep it being best suited to me. This ran on for a while. A long while. I think she was solace. Something i never had until then. Fleeing into my head wasn't necessarily new, but this was different. I want to call it love, but i'm not sure if it was. It was obsession, that's for sure.
I started composing and recording because of her. Dedicating most of the songs i came up with to her. Initials hidden in usernames, passwords. The number that consisted of the amount of letters in her first name as the first number and her last name as the second, is also something often used. She was all i had, and so i lived solely for her. Everything i did in that time, was for her. And i mean everything. I wasn't worth living for, that thought and that concept was still foreign to me then. It was the kind of obsession that has quite a risk of turning dangerous. I'm not sure if it did, it was obviously very toxic for me, but not sure about others. Probably was.
I was convinced that this was more than something mundane called first love. No one could ever feel what i was feeling for her. I was special. No one would ever understand it even if they tried. To call it a "simple" first love would be downplaying incredibly the love (read: obsession) i had for her. For this reason, i always felt i did not get appreciation and understanding i felt i deserved. Feeling very unappreciated for what i do and have done is something i still struggle with to this day.
The first time i told someone - and by doing so, in my head, betrayed her, as you can guess by now, was something very terrible - was in the summer i turned 17. To someone i met at therapy and got along with.
When i was 16 and a half, i met the first person who accepted me, with my masks off, and who was genuinely nice to me. This was incredibly new to me, and i figured she had some "essense" of the girl i obsessed over in her. Everyone i met afterwards who accepted me had this. As nice as people were, as loving the gestures handed to me, i vowed that she would always be number one. Always be loyal to her, and never forgetting. Never.
This went on for a while. Bordering insanity, it got out of hand around november 2012. I did have new crushes since her, i think the first was two years after last seeing her, approximately. Fast forward again to the bordering insanty: Someone from my second therapy group was the unfortunate soul. One night while laying in bed i had a sudden fire in me. I had to tell her. Through email. She politely refused. I think a couple of days later i told her why i felt so bad about it. I figured she had a part of that perfect one in her. Yep. I did that. Realising my insanely stupid mistake, i from then on went on a vow to never tell anyone about her ever again. Keep her to myself. Start feeling better and out of the depression hole, and try to pursue this thing called happiness. If i'd die doing it, it'd be okay, as i'd be with her. Or so i believed.
So i signed up to a forum. One for lonely people, as i felt loneliness was my biggest issue causing the larger picture of suicidality. You might be familiar with this forum, you're on it right now. All i wanted was to learn how to be completely alone, to pursue her and stay away from everyone else. That didn't work out. On the fifth of januari, 2013, a comment from someone who is looong gone now, only staying there for a month or two, made me see something. It made me grasp this first sparkle of happiness. It shook up my world, as i was again tempted to spend less time on her. I felt good, or at least better than ever, which wasn't that hard. I saw what life could be. I can be loyal, i think, so i never told anyone about her regardless. Until about 18 months later, now 7 or so months ago. Since then i never told anyone else. Until now.
Nowadays, i think of this whole experience as that. An experience. Not my entire life anymore. Still more than a simple experience, i think, though i hate to admit that. I see what i grasped as love itself. I've always said that i think love is the most powerful force in the universe. I had a tiny piece of it, and it destroyed me. Well, i let it. More recently, i want to redirect some of the energy to God. For obvious reasons i won't elaborate on that.
This story is also why i feel so much for SkaFish. I feel i can relate to him. If you're reading this. I want to help you more because of this. But i have no idea how, and thus i am largely quiet and neglectful. A trait i tend to have with more people. I hate it, but i guess it's somehow my choice.
Why i'm telling this now is because of yet another low point. Having a crush on someone. We got along really well, but last saturday it was clear that she wasn't into me. Even if she was, i probably wouldn't want to spend my life with her, with some of her traits not being compatible at all. She's a really great friend, so i'm trying to make the transition. It's taking a while. Saw her again today, last time being that saturday. She was sweet. My mind went in full on overdrive, but not long after it just got stuck. It's too much. I have no idea at all what to do with the situation. Considering this background, i thought it might help somehow. It's just a small situation, i'll be over it in a week or so and i know it, but i wanted to share this with the forum for a very long time indeed.
If nothing else, this story shows i'm not very good with vows. Also, i have the tendency to forgot half of a story if i'm telling a (long) one. I'll try to update this when things spring to mind again.