My own fault

[itsmylife]

I honestly don't know what to do next.

I was ill in different ways for a long time, i received different types of help and support and in many ways I became better. I was happier. I'm still in that place, I'm still stable right now. But now that I've sorted so many of my main issues, i'm left looking deeper and i just don't understand what's wrong with me.

I know what I want, I know what would make me happy. I want a proper relationship, I want friends, I want people to care. I accept now that when I was ill it was kind of understandable why people kept away. Now that I'm more stable people are happier to be around me but for some reason I keep messing it up. I can't let myself get anywhere with anyone. People will contact me and I'll try to keep in touch but I lose interest so quickly and I don't know why. They will try for a while to maintain contact but eventually get so fed up of me pushing them away or keeping them at a distance that they stay away and I can't blame them for that because it's my fault. I used to blame others but I know now it is on me.

I don't know why I do it. And I don't know how to stop. What i do know is that until I figure it out I will continue to be alone.

 

[mickey]

First of all, it's not "understandable" that people would avoid contact with someone who is ill. People are selfish and think only of themselves and can't be bothered to care about anyone else. THAT is why people stayed away from you when you were ill. Don't just accept unacceptable behavior simply because it's so prevalent as to be nearly universal.

It's possible that you are habituated to isolation. Everything we do for a long time builds a bunch of habits, both physical and mental. If you were ill and isolated for a long time then you might have developed mental habits of solitude. Contact with other people is unfamiliar and possibly causes you distress that you minimize by avoiding future contact. This distress CAN be experienced as boredom with contact or lack of contact because human psychology is complex and what happens inside us is not always what it seems to be.

Another possibility is that your social side is "flabby." Social fitness is maintained by socializing and, if you don't socialize for a long time, your socializing can lose that fitness.

Note, however, that IANAD (I am not a doctor) and therefore can't really disagnose. These are just the speculations of some guy on the internet who has been on the earth for a while and might have learned a few things through experience.

Best of success to you.

 

[McDamned]

How about contacting a professional in the department of psychology, after all that is what they are there for. I dont think its advisable and/or wise to put the blame on others or on yourself for that matter, sometimes we are stuck in certain patterns without even realising it. You clearly state you are avoiding others and if that is so there's always a reason behind such behaviour. Perhaps it is something that is obvious to an observant outsider as it is elusive to yourself.

 

[TheRealCallie]

First of all, it's not "understandable" that people would avoid contact with someone who is ill.

Depends on the illness really. If you are ill mentally and you push people away and get bored with them, as the OP said, then YES it is understandable.
If you are ill in the contagious sense, then again, it is understandable that people would keep their distance, depending on the illness.

Almost any other reason, then no, it's not understandable, but judging by what the OP stated, it is understandable and OP knows it is because of what the OP did. They understand the consequence of their actions and are making progress to try to fix it. That's all that really matter here, they acknowledge it and are doing what they have to do to change it and prevent it from happening in the future.

To the OP, self reflection can only take you so far at one time. Give yourself a break and try to have some fun and relax. You will find yourself more as you go, but no sense in making yourself crazy with it.

 

[Despicable Me]

Haha, I think I know what you mean about pushing people away. I do that, too, even though I got over most of my other own problems a long time ago. It's my main problem with making some new friends.
I just tend to push people away sometimes. I used to never let anyone in at all and for a while I really wondered why I did that.

I do know why I do that, though. There are really many reasons, but I can probably sum them up.

For one, I feel like the relationships I build generally hurt others and I don't want to hurt anyone. This isn't necessarily true in that I do anything to personally hurt them, but that conflict just seems to generally arise from any form of relationship and I honestly just don't like to deal with it. And it's only natural that all things will end one day, so that is pain for everyone involved. Why put anyone through that?
Two, I have general issues with people misunderstanding or not liking me for who I am. I have gotten used to this over a long period of time and I have become extremely skeptical of others and generally don't allow anyone to get too close because allowing people to get close means I could get hurt.
Three, people always move on with their lives, for one reason or another, and I'm left with this feeling like I am missing something. It's a feeling that isn't easy to express, it feels like a void, and it's the feeling I've tried to get away from for most of my life.

So, basically the way I see relationships is that everyone gets hurt at some point and there isn't any way to stop this grief. In essence, I am by nature a 'loner' type. I actually prefer to be alone most of the time.
I've noticed I also can't stand 'goodbyes'. I'd rather just disappear, or have someone else disappear. The 'closure' of a relationship is unsettling. It's painful, for whatever reason, when a relationship ends even if it ends on a good note. So avoiding the 'closure' of a relationship is important to justifying how I push people away. Though, if they are the one to 'close' the relationship that's fine, too, because that means it was their choice (even if it wasn't really) and not mine.

Sound familiar? Maybe it's not the same for you, but I bet you can relate to at least one of the things I said above.

I can't say I am any expert at dealing with this, since I have no real friends and I've only got my wife and kids, but the truth is that having relationships isn't really that bad, and it's just fear and worries getting in the way of your happiness. The pain of a relationship is worth it when it comes to all that you can gain. Even if there may be hardship one day, and enormous pain from losing someone you love, the fact is that you can be happier having known someone than to have never known them at all, and, possibly more importantly, they can also be happier to have known you, too.
So in the end, all of that pain is worth it sometimes. That's why people do it. It's why people try. You just have to make the right choices in whom you accept into your life and who you don't. And I'm not the best person to make those choices, myself. That's when you just learn to forgive yourself for making mistakes. It happens. We all move on.

Recognizing why you do it, and acknowledging those fears, seems to be a big step in opening up. Not knowing why makes you more anxious about it which only causes you to do it more. So if none of the above seems to apply to you, keep looking.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

 

[mickey]

Is there some way I can block posts by specific members? Other fora have a feature where the posts of specific members are not displayed, so I'm wondering whether this one does too.

 

[gabriel20]

Yes,you go into your user CP,and go to buddy/ignore,and add the name you want to have as a buddy,or to ignore!

So simple,even a child could do it!

 

[Despicable Me]

Is there some way I can block posts by specific members? Other fora have a feature where the posts of specific members are not displayed, so I'm wondering whether this one does too.

Ironic question to ask in a topic about pushing people away.
There are only three posts above yours in this topic before you asked this. So, uh, just wondering but... Is it me you're trying to block? -sigh-

 

[mickey]

Is there some way I can block posts by specific members? Other fora have a feature where the posts of specific members are not displayed, so I'm wondering whether this one does too.

Is.... Is it me?
There's only three posts in this topic where you ask this, and.... It's me isn't it?

Can I ask why?

I really don't want to initiate a guessing game, but, no, it's not you. Thanks for telling me how to do it.

 

[Despicable Me]

I really don't want to initiate a guessing game, but, no, it's not you.

Sorry about that, my depression sort of came back a couple of days ago and taking things the wrong way.
Thanks for not blocking me, though. ;D

 

[itsmylife]

Apart from the whole blocking people thing, thanks for the replies!

Mickey - i can see your point about it not being understandable that people avoided me when I was ill and for some people, yes that's true. There were people who deliberately avoided me or deliberately hurt me when they could have made a massive difference at relatively low effort for them. However I'm now well enough to look back and analyse and I can see that for other people I did make life pretty difficult. I was not an easy person to be around and I did push other people away. That was my fault and I do accept that. As for the part about me being habituated to loneliness and having a flabby social side you may well be pretty spot on! I am happier with my own company, it's so much easier to be by myself and not have to worry about wearing a mask or coping with situations. But annoyingly it's frustrating that it doesn't feel like this is the problem. It just feels like I don't have the energy or the interest with people and seeing as I really do want this I seem to be setting myself up for failure before I've even started!

McDamned - I was under the care of a professional and they did help me a lot. However this is something that we never got to the root of and never seemed to change. I've since been discharged so I'm guessing they see this as something I can figure out myself!

TheRealCallie - You're right and I definitely hold my hands up! I know how much was my fault and I'm more than ok to accept that now. I'm not after anyone to remove the blame, I just want to find a way to move forward! I agree with trying to have some fun and relax but at the same time I need to continue to make progress. And sadly this is definitely holding me back.

Despicable Me - Your post is very, very familiar. I know that it's very likely I back away from letting people in because I have been hurt in the past and it's not something I want to go through again, just like I have also made mistakes and hurt others and it's not something I want to do again. The idea of having someone know me properly is terrifying as is the idea that I will let people in only for them to leave, which I agree is pretty much standard with every friendship! However I know that this is something I will have to push past in order to make a friendship/relationship work. I have always liked to think that I will be able to do that when it comes down to it. And then my opportunity comes along and it starts out well and then I always seem to get bored or fed up and I deliberately mess it up, have a whinge about being alone and find the next opportunity. If it felt inside my head like I was doing that to stop myself from getting hurt etc it may feel more acceptable but like I said earlier it's incredibly frustrating to feel like I keep messing up just because I'm bored because that brings with it the frightening prospect that I'm never going to get anywhere!

Basically I've babbled on for ages but I think my main point is that I think I would be happier if it actually felt like I pushed people away to protect myself whereas it tends to feel like I just don't have the energy which in turn makes me angry at myself because how can I expect to get anywhere if I have that attitude! Anyway thanks all of you for reading and for all of your replies and advice, you remind me why I keep finding myself back here!