my relationship with the love of my life..what should i do?

[timtune]

only the recent history is important to telling of my tale but suffice to say we both went through marriage breakdown together starting in november..she is separated from her husband who moved out 2 months ago, i'm divorced from mine and moved out 3 months ago. we have said "i love you" to each other since january. my march when i went on a business trip, she was missing me like crazy..it actually caught me off guard..and a handful of days after i got back she went to cuba and we missed each other like crazy, talked about our time together when she got back and the things we dreamed of doing together...2 weeks after that she went distant on me..i finally got her to talk about it and she explained how she felt she was losing her best friend with her husband leaving, needed to find herself and had lost her sex drive..she said it wasn't me, i said if i love you..and i do, i am here for you. things slowly but surely got better but they are not back at the level they were in march...where we were both crazy in love. it makes me hurt to even have to write and acknowledge that. due to her having kids at home and being in a small city, we have spent most of our time together at my place,watching tv, cuddling, talking, making love,occasional walks, day trips to the bigger city to shop, dinner or lunch out. most recently, after her hubby moved out, i had the opportunity to do a bunch of work on her house..pretty much, we spent 3 weeks together and i thought we both loved it. it gave us the chance to be together "normally" like a couple, chance for me to spend time at her home, having dinner,interacting with her kids...well, easier to share with you an email back and forth between us from this past saturday. it came out of a discussion about staying over at her house:

she said:

Occasionally yes...if the kids arent around i guess...I just feel they have a right to be able to get up and walk around in the morning as they like without having to worry about a man in the house... I think they have really liked having that freedom since Mike left....and i also like to maintain my time alone especially in the morning. I really do appreciate all that you are doing around the house for me ...but as i have said in the past it is still important for me to maintain being on my own. I dont feel like i can say that to you anymore because of all you do for me and i feel like i must owe you at least 1000.00 for all you have given me, I feel sometimes like i am more in debt with you than i ever was with Mike...

I said:

always, thank you for sharing with me hun..so important...i was very surprised when you gave me the option to stay over. i was not expecting it at all and i appreciated it. i always have respect for your beliefs, your time, your space. in terms of any feeling of financial debt, you just have to set that aside somehow from "us" hun. being in a relationship is not about there being debts to be paid.. true, the costs were higher than expected on this project as we could not have predicted but believe me when i say that i feel better helping you out on that than i would asking you to spend money you didn't expect to spend. it would have made me feel badly to come to you and say i need money for this and that. i am not running a mental tab so you know..i do expect to be reimbursed for the oil change though..you would have had to do that anyway!

otherwise, i have enjoyed the opportunity to spend more time with you...and doing different things..i know we've spent a lot of time together due to this project and probably some weeks, more than you've wanted to but i would have hoped you'd say you "not tonight" if you didn't want me to come over..to work on the house, or just to spend time with you relaxing. i also hope that at least some of the escalation of time we have spent together..has simply been because you want to spend more time with me as you've gotten more comfortable with us, not just because of the house project? as well, i've taken it as the opportunity to show you i'm not just a one trick pony..that my interest in spending time with you is not just physical or wknd getaways or day trips or going to for dinner or lunch..that i do enjoy spending time with you just doing the normal things in life..and i can say hun, that i have. i can't say i understand what you mean about you're having been in debt to mike...it seems to me he was in debt to you if you mean more reliant on me than you ever were with him? well, that i could see given that he didnt' do much around your house..but you shouldn't feel that's wrong..you do what you are capable of doing, hun..and i know that..you just happened to have found a guy who likes to take on house projects that you need help with..i say, bonus! and i'm quite happy to have you help me out with them as needed..i do like working with you...and finally...maybe, just maybe..i love you more than any man has ever loved you before. i don't think that's a bad thing, hun maybe, lucky you


she is a very private person so it can be hard to get out of her what she is thinking..and i don't want to press her too hard for fear she will want to take a break. i did ask her one day when she was very depressed if she wanted me out of her life..and she said no, which i took to affirm that she still wanted a relationship..and she is definitely still physically attracted to me.it i am 48, she is 40...and this isn't high school. by the way, i say she is the love of my life because i know that i've finally found the woman i most have things in common with after 29 years of searching. i tell myself, i am in for the long game and that she is worth it..and i never doubt that for one second...but in the meantime, while i wait for her to heal, which i think is what she is doing, i feel the depths of pain and depression and loneliness...my one other friend said something today that made me cry...she said:

"it's so noticeably genuine, what you give of your heart...she just doesn't want all of that..she'd be happier with just a little and a reason to chase you. until the doors are truly open to her heart, no one's affection and love will be able to flow in just as her own love and affection will not freely be able to flowout."

it made me cry, because ....i think she is right, **** it. yet, she says she loves me, she shows she loves me..and i her. she just seems to have closed part of her heart that was open to me 2 months ago. i don't know what to do

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd say just give her time. Seems like you both do love each other, so I wouldn't rush it. Don't ruin a good thing by wanting to go too far too fast. I'd rather go somewhere slowly, than to go nowhere fast.

 

[timtune]

I'd say just give her time. Seems like you both do love each other, so I wouldn't rush it. Don't ruin a good thing by wanting to go too far too fast. I'd rather go somewhere slowly, than to go nowhere fast.

thanks for that, vanilla..that's how i'm feeling. i should mention ..and meant to that she is on a few dating sites with a profile that's basically "looking for a friend to hang out with and maybe more if we click" type post. we talked about her having a profile up and i didn't ask her to take it down..i didn't feel if i really loved her, that was fair to ask especially when she made it clear before her separation even happened that when it did, she wanted to be by herself again for a time and i said i understood. i did tell her that it hurt to know she had a profile up..and she was sorry but she says it's part of her reclaiming her independence and does it hurt to go on a date here and there to make sure i'm the one? she also tells me she has not met anyone or talked to anyone on the sites..if she didn't tell me and show me she loved me the way she does, i'd say she was blowing smoke but i know her well enough to know that part of the reason for this is because she wants to make sure she doesn't get into getting married/living with someone right out of a failed marriage..but i wouldnt mind other perspectives on the dating site situation. somedays i feel like i'm involved with a noble cause for true love..some days i wonder if i'm the world's biggest fool.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well having a profile doesn't really mean anything. I think it's more about her looking for something. Definitely seems to me she is looking for something. But, part of her wants to be alone. I'd let the relationship flourish naturally. You two may love each other, however, there's issues on both sides that need to be resolved. Having a close friend in each other is better than actually being involved in some cases. It's honestly very rare you can be close to someone enough that you can talk to them about anything. That say-anything-do-anything kind of relationship, where you both feel comfortable with each other, and there's never any awkwardness.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I have to same problem with someone. I belive where she is at in her life is that
she felt dependent on a man most of her life. While being married and being
in a relationship gave her some securities and it worked for a while.
However she lost herself through it all. There's children and other family members involved
so it makes it a little more of a challenge...even if one of the children is mine.

As much as i love her and want her to be with me. And of course I'll take care of her
and provide her with everything. But heres the things....from her piont of view or where
she's at in her life...She would still be doing the samething. She's not too happy at moment
and being with me wont fix her. She needs and wants to find herself again.

Love cannot not be a prisoner of love.

Relationships are difficult becuase their 2 parties involved.
I can make decision for myself and control my own life but i can control my partner
no matter what. And sometimes she has to make decisions that is best for her.
I love her very much and I know it's not all about me.
I love her and want her to be happy no matter what decisions she makes even if it's
not to be with me at the moment.

Through all of this I'm also growing up myself. I learning how to not depend too much on other
people for my own happiness. I've been in long term relationships most of my life. I know
how it feels like to lose yourself in a relationship. I'm single at the moment and I'm actaully
starting to enjoy being independent and self supporting, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and finacially.
Im finding myself again so I'm going enjoy it while it last. I belive when I'm ready to moveforward from
this chapter of my life someone I love every much will step into my life. Hopefully i won't make the same mistakes
of losing myself again when I get into a relationship again.

I'm also working on getting rid of old emotional baggages. Weather I get back with her again or with someone new,
it's still healthier that I do get rid of my old baggages.

 

[timtune]

wow..great thoughts, folks..thank you so much. she took me for lunch today and we talked a bit about my expectations and hers. this morning, i had texted her to ask if she wanted to get together tonight..she said needed another couple days alone time. i am so not used to someone who could retreat from the world for days and days to be by themselves. i'm an introvert as well, but i still like to be with people each day. we talked about that. for her, my 3don't day trip to toronto was nothing, for me, it felt endless. i said to her to let me know then when she wanted to see me...she said that made her sound like such a *****. i said, that's not my intent...it's just i could see her every day and be happy, but i can't read her mind when she wants to see me..or not. that led to lunch and a good chat..i think we're still apart in that she feels guilty because it's all about what she wants...but i said i can't change that. you are doing what you want to do...i choose to live with it..or not. maybe it underlines as well the other thing i need to work on which is get to know more people..not looking for romance, but for companionship.i just find myself at home, pining too much for her. i just don't know how to make friends anymore though. somewhere along the journey of life, i've lost the ability and to some degree, the urge i think?

 

[NOAH_FX]

Hey Timtine: All people are different, we all look at each relationship with different prespectives that are purely based on our past experiences. The one big thing i noticed, is you said she retreats into herself after you feel you have a good date. Thats important, if she is starting to feel as strongly as you are and has been through a long relationship before, it's natural for her to be scared and retreat. For example, i'll feel a wealth of emotion during a date, or just a hang and while it's great at the time. I find myself over analyzing every little detail the next day, every possibility, every outcome. Which i've been told comes off being "cold" "moody" etc, when really it's just the inability to shut off my brain (trust me i've tried ). I'd say just continue with a slow pace. Find something to do when your not visiting her.. Even something corny, so your not just constantly thinking about it and you'll find when you do talk to her it's more natural and less calculating and things will just go smoother.

Hopefully i could be a little help Goodluck bro

 

[timtune]

Hey Timtine: All people are different, we all look at each relationship with different prespectives that are purely based on our past experiences. The one big thing i noticed, is you said she retreats into herself after you feel you have a good date. Thats important, if she is starting to feel as strongly as you are and has been through a long relationship before, it's natural for her to be scared and retreat. For example, i'll feel a wealth of emotion during a date, or just a hang and while it's great at the time. I find myself over analyzing every little detail the next day, every possibility, every outcome. Which i've been told comes off being "cold" "moody" etc, when really it's just the inability to shut off my brain (trust me i've tried ). I'd say just continue with a slow pace. Find something to do when your not visiting her.. Even something corny, so your not just constantly thinking about it and you'll find when you do talk to her it's more natural and less calculating and things will just go smoother.

Hopefully i could be a little help Goodluck bro

wow..that is so helpful..funny how little in my 48 years including 3 prior serious relationships (and 2 marriages) i've learned..actually quite sad..you are correct in that i do over analyze how things go. i'm very analytical by nature..and that i need to find something else to do when i'm not with her. wed, i was quite despondent about things and her. last night i fixed her washer, we had a bit of a bbq, then i went home..really only about 1 hour "together" but i felt so happy..she's like a drug to me...i just went for coffee with my fitness trainer who slowly but surely is becoming a great friend...and she is going to invite me into her circle of friendship to help me get into doing other stuff..monday night jam, movie night..i'm excited..i've truly felt that i wasn't going to find a way to have anything else in my life and continue to feel very lonely..i am cautiously optimistic, shall we say

 

[VanillaCreme]

wow..great thoughts, folks..thank you so much. she took me for lunch today and we talked a bit about my expectations and hers. this morning, i had texted her to ask if she wanted to get together tonight..she said needed another couple days alone time. i am so not used to someone who could retreat from the world for days and days to be by themselves. i'm an introvert as well, but i still like to be with people each day. we talked about that. for her, my 3don't day trip to toronto was nothing, for me, it felt endless. i said to her to let me know then when she wanted to see me...she said that made her sound like such a *****. i said, that's not my intent...it's just i could see her every day and be happy, but i can't read her mind when she wants to see me..or not. that led to lunch and a good chat..i think we're still apart in that she feels guilty because it's all about what she wants...but i said i can't change that. you are doing what you want to do...i choose to live with it..or not. maybe it underlines as well the other thing i need to work on which is get to know more people..not looking for romance, but for companionship.i just find myself at home, pining too much for her. i just don't know how to make friends anymore though. somewhere along the journey of life, i've lost the ability and to some degree, the urge i think?

You can't expect from people, especially when it comes to love. When your expectations aren't met, you'll be disappointed and arguably upset. You also can't expect her to want to see you or be around you every day all the time. She's made it clear that she's still upset and a bit hurt from her previously relationship. Pushing her to be with you won't make that go away. Giving her the space she wants will show her that you're not selfish. It doesn't mean that she'll stop caring for you. But she probably just needs her space and time to think for herself.

 

[timtune]

had a good chat with my fitness trainer friend yesterday who knows us both...she;s going to get me out, get my mind onto other things.i'm looking forward to it. worked on my gal's house last night, getting it ready to paint the trim this weekend..after i did that, she made us bbq steak dinner..it was a nice evening. asked her if she wanted me to leave after dinner and she said, no stay for a bit...if i can figure out a way to sort of flow in and out of her life and be comfortable with what we have as it happens, i think i will be better off mentally and emotionally. on the other hand, my fitness trainer friend said, you've known each other intimately for 6 months, you've had a level of commitment to each other since january..she said i'd expect in a normal relationship, you'd be seeing each other about 5 days a week, sleeping over 3 or 4 nights a week..but then again, this is not a normal relationship..and there's kids and their space etc involved beyond my gal getting to know herself.