My shitty life

[Pitch]

I don't even know where to start. There is so much honeysuckle going on, everything is just so messed up. But I don't have anyone to talk to, so I'll just empty everything here.

My name is Dean, I'm 27, I live in the UK, with my family. I have a little sister which is turning 18 this year, and my mom. I don't work, I didn't really study anything. I had the opportunity but I was a lazy ****** and I didn't find anything that interested me. I don't have any friends. I used to have some but they really didn't give a honeysuckle about me so when I moved out of the town they never got in touch again. I never had a relationship either, I was always the weirdo, the creep, for girls. I kinda manage once to get a girl to like me because we were both drunk, but a week after she told me to fresia off. Now the only sex life I have is thanks to hookers, twice a year.

I was a popular kid till 10-11 because I had a cute baby face, but once I turned around 14 I just became ugly as fresia so everything went south. Amazing how your face can screw up your childhood, screw up your mind, screw up your life. I was bullied, I was a morron, I was the last kid to be picked for sport events. I have 150IQ but I was constantly treated as honeysuckle, called dumbfuck, brutalized, so that my mind just broke. Turned 18, I was a corpse. My mind just works so slow. I have trouble making distincts thoughts in my head, grasping ideas. I was disgusted by life, disgusted by people. It's been almost 10 years and nothing has changed. I tried theater and acting to overcome my shyness. It did work, I'm not shy anymore. But being shy was not the problem. Being trash is what's the problem. I learned a very valuable thing from acting. You don't act like a looser, you don't try to play a looser. People in life don't live like they are looser. They live like they are winner. But they are in fact loosers, just unaware of it. It's very easy to see all those loosers and say thank god I'm not like this guy. But you are in fact. I realized that couple of years later, around 23. The truth hit my face. I was so desperatly trying to not be those pathetic guys, those unpopular kids, bad with girls, target for mockery, always excluded, I was so persuaded to not be one of those, it was a relief. But I actually was this guy in my acting class.

Then I just stopped acting. I couldn't bear it. As I had to earn money I went to be a poker dealer. Math was easy for me, working night shifts didn't bother me as I didn't have any social life. A year later I just felt death all around. I would spend the rest of my pathetic life dealing cards like a machine, like a piece of furniture. Going home at 7am and sleeping the day. Always alone, a meaningless life. I quitted this job because I didn't want to end up like this. But I will end up like this. I tried everything. I've seen dozens of therapists. I've taken pills every days for years. I've tried hitting the gym, getting in shape, wearing nice cloths. Going out, meeting people, socializing. Attending events thru internet in my town. It's like people avoid me. They don't want me around. From all the little jobs I did during my life, noone ever invited me to go out for a drink. Recently I had a drink with the daughter of one of my mom's friend. She never contacted me again. The thing that hurts me the most is to never been loved by a girl. Everytime I walk outside and see couples, I feel like a knife is inside, cutting everything open. It's so bloody hard to feel not like a man, to feel like a thing not worthy of being love by another human being.

I'm done. Only thing preventing me from slicing my wrists open is the thought of leaving my mom and sister without me. I mean, I know how it's like to fail at life, my sister is young and everything goes well for her, so I don't want to mess her up. But I'm just waiting, decaying in my house, barely feeding, just sleeping all day. I see all those people my age having fun, going out, doing jobs they like, buying homes, building families. The hell did I do to end up like this ? I did not hurt people, I did not rob people, I did not kill people. I don't see how I deserve living like this. If that can be called living. I guess people don't get what they deserve in life, they get what they get.

 

[jaguarundi]

I don't think there is a way that life should be, not for anyone. There is what happens, and what you do.

Your post sounds like the epitome of depression, and you say that you have tried therapists and tablets - at a guess for depression? If not then you surely need to see your doctor for it.

Some of what you have done for yourself, like acting, has worked for you to some extent, and you have held a job. One thing you said particularly strikes me - you talk a lot about people being losers, but they think they are winners. You can think yourself a winner, or you can think yourself a loser. You will be right whichever you pick.

 

[workaloneuk]

Hi Pitch, I'm in the UK too and I get where you're coming from. I have a very different background from you but I do have slightly similar feelings.
You say you've been to therapists that were a waste of time. I'm actually surprised at this. I'm not surprised that pills haven't worked as they don't work for me either. I have had some counselling that's been helpful but I can't afford it for long and I soon slip back into the old thought patterns.
I've seen only one actual 'therapist' and he really was a waste of time and money. He tried to force or blackmail me into his 'mould' which only made me annoyed and angry.
The counselling, as I say, has sometimes been useful. I think it's all down to getting the right person who you can interact with. If you don't like them there's no point continuing. I've seen about a dozen over the years and only 2 or 3 have actually been any good.
I'd say that your biggest problem is your self-image, and that should be able to be improved. (if you want to do so) It's far from easy, I know!
Been there, in fact still am there.
Being an intelligent guy is actually part of the problem I'd say, because you're not going to be palmed off by all those 'helpful' people with lesser brain power.
Listen to me though - please.
I'm a lot older than you and have been through some of what you have. I've wanted to die, and in fact still do some days.
But you COULD get yourself into a happier situation! - It's mainly what's happening in your mind that's keeping you miserable.
I know the world is full of idiots and selfish people who don't care about anything but themselves, but you could find some with a bit more between the ears, and who would be interested in you.
You just have to find a way to believe that it's possible.
If you want to discus any of this with me more, then send me a PM, and I'm happy to chat to you about whatever.
Don't give up on the chance of a better life,
Keep trying!
Marc

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't even know where to start....Now the only sex life I have is thanks to hookers, twice a year.

Before I get into the rest, I feel I have to point something out. This. This is where you start. Stop sleeping with prostitutes, because you are gambling with your life. It's really dangerous. You may say that you don't care about your life now, but if you got a terrible STD you would give anything to go back in time and not make that choice that lead to it. All your problems are solvable. They really are. But if you get an incurable and deadly STD, then you will really be beyond help and without hope. So please stop doing this, for your own sake, so that you may live to turn your life around.

Even if you don't get a lethal STD and die, you could still get a lesser but still uncurable STD that stays with you for life. It would be a massive inconvenience, very expensive to keep taking meds for, and would pretty much destroy your chances of ever having a relationship with a girl because nobody wants to get sick. So again, if you want to meet a girl, please stop putting your health at risk.

Don't listen to society saying that you have to be having sex all the time. You are not there yet, that's all. It's not a problem unless you decide it is.

Other than that, our stories sound similar. I too was never really a popular guy and was picked last for sports, and so on. But that's all in the past. It doesn't matter anymore, for me, for you, for anyone. You can't blame yourself for what happened then because you didn't know any better, you didn't know you had options. Now you do.

It really comes down to who you think you are. I play roleplaying games, and in the games, we get to be a character. One day I was astonished at the difference between who I think I am in the game and who I think I am in real life. In the game, I'm a professional thief, I'm a Jedi Knight, I'm a capable, adventurous character who has abilities and believes in himself. But in real life, I was thinking of myself as a person with no ability. I started thinking, why am I choosing to roleplay myself as a loser? Why SHOULDN'T I hold myself to the same standard as when I play a fictional hero? Since then I've been telling myself I have something, I'm gonna make it, I can do what I set my mind to. Telling myself I'm not a loser. It will take time but you have to change your story. I look at the people who are doing badly - they complain, they moan, they say this and that is impossible, they can't do x and y, and so on. Then I look at those who are doing well, and they don't do any of that. They tell themselves that they can, that they are getting there, that they are awesome. And it increases their chances I'm sure. If you don't like the story you are telling yourself, make a new one. You're an actor, ditch this role and get a new one.

I decided that I wasn't going to let other people tell me I was a loser, I wasn't going to let them tell me what I am at all. I decide that for myself. Listening to rock was the start of this actually. I figured, would my punk-rock heroes let anyone treat them like a loser? No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't care what anyone says, they wouldn't care who likes them and who doesn't. Don't believe the bullies' version of reality, create your own. You can be anything you want in this world, any kind of person you want. There's no reason to be someone you don't like, ever. The change may not come overnight, Rome wasn't built in a day. But you are NOT stuck. You're free to be anyone you want and you are a winner if that's the story you tell yourself. Then you'll start doing things, because you'll believe that as a winner, it's worth your while to do so.

About girls I haven't had much luck (yet!) but that's because I realize, I'm not on their level. Until I have some things under control, I'm not on anyone's level and i must work to do so. Right now, I'm aligned with nobody. Think about it - suppose you like a certain girl. Think about what she wants in a man. Think about what she values. You have to be the person she wants. That doesn't mean don't be true to yourself. In my own case, the girls I happen to like are beautiful, intelligent, creative, and adventurous. I feel that opposites do NOT attract - rather, like attracts like. Therefore, I need to stop being lazy and underconfident and instead, I should take care of my body so I am good-looking. I need to read more so I am intelligent. I need to work on my projects more so I am creative, and I need to look for things to do so I am adventurous. I need to eliminate my bad traits and replace them with good, and that will bring me closer to being aligned with the girls I like.

I've noticed though, that whenever I say that I'm making progress and I really, sincerely am, attractive girls take notice. The girls I want to be noticed by, actually notice me when I am engaging life and getting somewhere. I have a feeling that people in general are attracted to progress and to others that have interests, that are engaging life in some way. I hate it when I get asked "what's new" and have to say "nothing". Likewise, progress gives you something to talk about.

So yea. For one, stop that unhealthy behavior while your problems are still solvable. Don't let other people tell you who you are. Tell yourself a different story that you like. Find some interests and engage life. It will probably take time but the time will pass anyway so you might as well roll for it.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't even know where to start. There is so much honeysuckle going on, everything is just so messed up. But I don't have anyone to talk to, so I'll just empty everything here.

My name is Dean, I'm 27, I live in the UK, with my family. I have a little sister which is turning 18 this year, and my mom. I don't work, I didn't really study anything. I had the opportunity but I was a lazy ****** and I didn't find anything that interested me. I don't have any friends. I used to have some but they really didn't give a honeysuckle about me so when I moved out of the town they never got in touch again. I never had a relationship either, I was always the weirdo, the creep, for girls. I kinda manage once to get a girl to like me because we were both drunk, but a week after she told me to fresia off. Now the only sex life I have is thanks to hookers, twice a year.

I was a popular kid till 10-11 because I had a cute baby face, but once I turned around 14 I just became ugly as fresia so everything went south. Amazing how your face can screw up your childhood, screw up your mind, screw up your life. I was bullied, I was a morron, I was the last kid to be picked for sport events. I have 150IQ but I was constantly treated as honeysuckle, called dumbfuck, brutalized, so that my mind just broke. Turned 18, I was a corpse. My mind just works so slow. I have trouble making distincts thoughts in my head, grasping ideas. I was disgusted by life, disgusted by people. It's been almost 10 years and nothing has changed. I tried theater and acting to overcome my shyness. It did work, I'm not shy anymore. But being shy was not the problem. Being trash is what's the problem. I learned a very valuable thing from acting. You don't act like a looser, you don't try to play a looser. People in life don't live like they are looser. They live like they are winner. But they are in fact loosers, just unaware of it. It's very easy to see all those loosers and say thank god I'm not like this guy. But you are in fact. I realized that couple of years later, around 23. The truth hit my face. I was so desperatly trying to not be those pathetic guys, those unpopular kids, bad with girls, target for mockery, always excluded, I was so persuaded to not be one of those, it was a relief. But I actually was this guy in my acting class.

Then I just stopped acting. I couldn't bear it. As I had to earn money I went to be a poker dealer. Math was easy for me, working night shifts didn't bother me as I didn't have any social life. A year later I just felt death all around. I would spend the rest of my pathetic life dealing cards like a machine, like a piece of furniture. Going home at 7am and sleeping the day. Always alone, a meaningless life. I quitted this job because I didn't want to end up like this. But I will end up like this. I tried everything. I've seen dozens of therapists. I've taken pills every days for years. I've tried hitting the gym, getting in shape, wearing nice cloths. Going out, meeting people, socializing. Attending events thru internet in my town. It's like people avoid me. They don't want me around. From all the little jobs I did during my life, noone ever invited me to go out for a drink. Recently I had a drink with the daughter of one of my mom's friend. She never contacted me again. The thing that hurts me the most is to never been loved by a girl. Everytime I walk outside and see couples, I feel like a knife is inside, cutting everything open. It's so bloody hard to feel not like a man, to feel like a thing not worthy of being love by another human being.

I'm done. Only thing preventing me from slicing my wrists open is the thought of leaving my mom and sister without me. I mean, I know how it's like to fail at life, my sister is young and everything goes well for her, so I don't want to mess her up. But I'm just waiting, decaying in my house, barely feeding, just sleeping all day. I see all those people my age having fun, going out, doing jobs they like, buying homes, building families. The hell did I do to end up like this ? I did not hurt people, I did not rob people, I did not kill people. I don't see how I deserve living like this. If that can be called living. I guess people don't get what they deserve in life, they get what they get.

I wasn't much different to you when I was 27. My life was honeysuckle, couldn't get a job, had no friends, girls either laughed at me or ignored me. I was clever and had qualifications but had to settle for a honeysuckle job in shop on a evening. Gangs of kids would come in and taunt me calling me 'Mr Bean'. I got punched in the face as well. The money I got was hardly more than my dole money. The only thing I was good at was golf. People at the club hated me because I won all the time. I put up with all kinds of abuse. No friends. I asked women out and got rejected all the time. Everybody I knew, all the kids I grew up with were of course making honeysuckle loads of money, having girlfriends, going on holidays, driving cars.

Please don't give up. Don't let these ******* win !
You can act ? You should be proud, not many people can do that. Try and get a full time job, something you can put up with. Get some money in. Get that feeling of having worked all week and now you can enjoy your days off. Take up some hobbies, treat yourself. Be nice to people if they are nice to you ! If people ignore you then ignore them back ! Good Luck !

 

[betrayedforlife]

Pitch, what you need is a real person to talk to. My own life is similar and I'm 50 and I know how you feel.I've also no career,and told I never will have.However I do have a lot of patience and compassion and if you need an ear I would be willing to chat though the time diff may be a bit of a problem. I am from the U.K too so may be able to 'get you'(understand) a little easier than people from other countries,even the people here don't get me' at all.

Feel free to get in touch,

Good Luck mate betrayedforlife

 

[thelonegamer]

You just got to stop thinking the wrong way man. Life is so much more than dealing cards or thinking yourself as either a winner or a loser. You're wasting time.
What I want you to do is, wake up one day, open your city map (London for example) and think that you're in one of the biggest cities in the world and you will go out and watch an Arsenal game then cheer, but really cheer for when that goal goes in and you really celebrate it wholehearted, then return home to your life where it stopped. Repeat. Adventure yourself. Go on and talk to every single woman you see at a coffee shop. Don't know what to say? Simple. Wave good morning as you cross by her, grab your coffee, wave goodbye as you leave her. Trust me, this will improve every aspect of your life.
Try reading Neil Strauss' books, too. I am in touch with his society and I know what he's capable of.
I hope this helps