My trust in women is "unsalvageable."

[kjjerm]

It might be a little difficult to put this into context, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

I am twenty years old, and I have been a compulsive liar my entire life. I lie to cover myself up. I lie to make myself seem more interesting. Hell, I tell lies as conversation starters. I've rarely - if ever - been caught telling a lie, and I'm rather adept at covering my tracks and using a good alibi.

I am not proud of this. In fact, I hate myself for it.

The problem is, because I've been so liberal with the truth my whole life, I can't seem to trust anyone. What's more - four out of the six relationships I've had throughout my young life have ended with my being cheated on. I don't care much for detail, but you get the point.

and here is my problem:

I am currently in a long-distance relationship. I live in Southern California and she lives in Florida. We plan to meet up in San Francisco in about a year. No matter how many times she says "I love you;" no matter what she says to assure me she'll never cheat, I simply cannot trust her. She goes to local jams and I imagine her falling for the guitarist or something and ending up in bed with him - never to tell me about it. What's more - she has loads of male friends and this picks at me to no end.

This is all alienating me... I'm intensely lonely, and I have no one to rant to.

After my first few failed relationships, I took about a year's worth of therapy. All the advice I got was "not all women are like that" or "you're looking in the wrong places." I know the former is true, but the latter is complete garbage. I just. . . don't know what to think (sorry, I'm rambling - talking to a girl on AIM who is warning me about current girlfriend's track record. How comforting). If anyone has anything to say...

- Kevin

 

[Naleena]

Hey Kevin,
For what it's worth, I had a 2 1/2 yr online relationship and never once "cheated." He was in the military. We both knew it would be hard.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

First off, stop lying so much. Many people can lie so much about themselves and get away with it, but most people aren't stupid, and when you set yourself up with so much bulls*** people start getting a vibe that things are not what they seem with you.

Secondly, you really need to try your best to relax yourself and your mind so you don't get so worked up from thinking things that are probably not happening. You are torturing yourself with your thoughts and it will only hurt yourself in the end. Lose the paranoia and you can face your future storms with a strong mind and your common sense well intact.

 

[jales]

im in a simillar situation

i'm in a long distance relationship
both my ex's cheated on me

i feel that i dont know how to trust men

yes it affects my relationship negatively at time (but my boyfriend is understanding)
i'm not sure of the solution to this problem ..

i guess it's move to where she lives ..lol
as soon as you can of course.

 

[Incognita]

oh ,boy these relationships...

I don't trust those long-distance relationships either.

I was reading something recently and they had this saying "we live apart--we grow apart.."

In a looooott of cases it is so true..omg

 

[Incognita]

No matter how many times she says "I love you;" no matter what she says to assure me she'll never cheat, I simply cannot trust her. She goes to local jams

well, if she loves u so much why can't she stop going to local jams for u?




And with lieing and then not trusting others I know exactly what u mean lol.

I used to lie myself. But then after a while u start thinking that the whole world is lieing to u. lol.

Lieing leads to no good

 

[Porman]

Heres my advice for what its worth.

Loose the girl. you are only 20, you need to live life. and considering you wont even get to meet her for a year its not worth it. If not, dont hold back because of her. If you havnt met her then its not cheating because in my mind you arnt actually partners. And you cannot truely be in love with someone you havnt met.

As for lieing, you may think people dont know your lieing but most of the time they do. i knew a couple of compolsive liers and i could never beleive what they say, but they didnt know that. Trust me if your a compolsive lier, everyone that knows you will know.

Also about your previous relationships, most girls under 20 are, how do i put this, not girlfriend material. No relationship under 20 lasts long.

well, if she loves u so much why can't she stop going to local jams for u?

Because you will loose her. No girl wants to feel they cant do anything because you dont trust them. How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend said, hey you cannot go out with your mates because i dont trust you. will you still be with that person? She would be more likely to cheat if you treat her this way. I know if my girlfriend told me i couldnt go out to the pub anymore with my mates id leave her arse, or tell her you cant stop me from living my life. No one likes a controll freak.

 

[Minus]

If you havnt met her then its not cheating because in my mind you arnt actually partners.

To me it would depend on if their understanding or promise was to be exclusive. I can't see telling someone one thing and doing the opposite.

Long distance relationships are a different type of critter and they can be difficult.

 

[kjjerm]

No matter how many times she says "I love you;" no matter what she says to assure me she'll never cheat, I simply cannot trust her. She goes to local jams

well, if she loves u so much why can't she stop going to local jams for u?




And with lieing and then not trusting others I know exactly what u mean lol.

I used to lie myself. But then after a while u start thinking that the whole world is lieing to u. lol.

Lieing leads to no good

xD Yes. It's a problem. But it also allows you to see lies where you wouldn't have otherwise. The mindset definitely doesn't permit you to be naive.

 

[Incognita]

How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend said, hey you cannot go out with your mates because i dont trust you.

Of course ordering or forbiding or whatever or forcing to stop doing things will never work. Well, its not like she can't survive with out jams.
Yes, I have someone that I really love and I don't do many things that I used to do cause I don't want to hurt him. And I know for sure he doesn't trust me. And I also told him like zillion times I would never cheat. So if he asked me not to do something and I can live with out it I would stop just to prove I can be faithful and trusted.


I can sacrifice my "jams" don't worry. If u really love the person who or what else can be more important than them?

will you still be with that person?

Yep.


Again its about feelings. If she loves him so much and swears not to cheat so why can't she prove that?

I had relationships in the past where they told me not to look at other people. I told them :" You either let me live my life or I'm out." I didn't care about them. lol

 

[Chris 2]

I'm quite the opposite of the OP. I can't seem to lie, not even for a bit, not even if it would get me a girl, and certainly I can't lie to a girl.

 

[Porman]

If you havnt met her then its not cheating because in my mind you arnt actually partners.

To me it would depend on if their understanding or promise was to be exclusive. I can't see telling someone one thing and doing the opposite.

Long distance relationships are a different type of critter and they can be difficult.

True, If you have an understanding as such then you should stick to it. i dunno everyones different, but i couldnt ask someone not to see other people when you have never met them and/or they live too far away to actually hold a relationship.

 

[Porman]

How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend said, hey you cannot go out with your mates because i dont trust you.

Of course ordering or forbiding or whatever or forcing to stop doing things will never work. Well, its not like she can't survive with out jams.
Yes, I have someone that I really love and I don't do many things that I used to do cause I don't want to hurt him. And I know for sure he doesn't trust me. And I also told him like zillion times I would never cheat. So if he asked me not to do something and I can live with out it I would stop just to prove I can be faithful and trusted.

I see what you mean. Iv always felt that a relationship wont work unless both parties trust eachother. By simply not going to such events doesnt actually solve the problem. tho it does show you will make sacrifices for the relationship to work and that they mean alot to you, but it doesnt actually show that they can trust you.

I can sacrifice my "jams" don't worry. If u really love the person who or what else can be more important than them?

True, but by not going is only a short term fix. And also they will never learn to trust you if they never let you out.

What i would suggest is take him with you, let him see how you interact with other people and see that there is no threat. If you stop going to jams because he doesnt want you to, it most likely wont stop there, he may stop you from doing just about anything on your own, which wont work.

Again its about feelings. If she loves him so much and swears not to cheat so why can't she prove that?

but if this proved it then they would trust you, and then would let you go.

In my mind not trusting your partner given they havnt done anything to not diserve it, is an insecure thing. insecure about your own self and to feel that anyone else could just take your partner away because you feel she can do so much better then you.

 

[kjjerm]

How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend said, hey you cannot go out with your mates because i dont trust you.

Of course ordering or forbiding or whatever or forcing to stop doing things will never work. Well, its not like she can't survive with out jams.
Yes, I have someone that I really love and I don't do many things that I used to do cause I don't want to hurt him. And I know for sure he doesn't trust me. And I also told him like zillion times I would never cheat. So if he asked me not to do something and I can live with out it I would stop just to prove I can be faithful and trusted.

I see what you mean. Iv always felt that a relationship wont work unless both parties trust eachother. By simply not going to such events doesnt actually solve the problem. tho it does show you will make sacrifices for the relationship to work and that they mean alot to you, but it doesnt actually show that they can trust you.

I can sacrifice my "jams" don't worry. If u really love the person who or what else can be more important than them?

True, but by not going is only a short term fix. And also they will never learn to trust you if they never let you out.

What i would suggest is take him with you, let him see how you interact with other people and see that there is no threat. If you stop going to jams because he doesnt want you to, it most likely wont stop there, he may stop you from doing just about anything on your own, which wont work.

Again its about feelings. If she loves him so much and swears not to cheat so why can't she prove that?

but if this proved it then they would trust you, and then would let you go.

In my mind not trusting your partner given they havnt done anything to not diserve it, is an insecure thing. insecure about your own self and to feel that anyone else could just take your partner away because you feel she can do so much better then you.

"In my mind not trusting your partner given they havnt done anything to not diserve it, is an insecure thing. insecure about your own self and to feel that anyone else could just take your partner away because you feel she can do so much better then you."

That. Is. The point. ^^;

Past relationships haven't served my self-esteem very well. I suppose it is a complex; but history shows that the majority of girls I hook up with end up being untrustworthy. And don't give me that "you're just looking in the wrong places" speech xD - I've dated the spectrum, from the nice, modest "Jesus Freak" to the lowly, self-absorbed nihilist chicks. They all seem to have the same thing in mind, and it's not me.

I'm unable to trust anyone in general, but to give that some texture, I do trust men a whole lot more than women. I guess I see girls as all manipulative and self-serving.

*sigh* I'm not sexist or anything, I just "calls 'em as I sees 'em."

 

[Minus]

True, If you have an understanding as such then you should stick to it. i dunno everyones different, but i couldnt ask someone not to see other people when you have never met them and/or they live too far away to actually hold a relationship.

Yes that would be a different matter. Long distance relationships with infrequent personal contact can be difficult to maintain. I could sure understand your preference. Just as long as both parts have the same understanding.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I'm unable to trust anyone in general, but to give that some texture, I do trust men a whole lot more than women. I guess I see girls as all manipulative and self-serving.

*sigh* I'm not sexist or anything, I just "calls 'em as I sees 'em."

What? You don't think men do the same honeysuckle to women? I feel sorry for you because you "see girls as all manipulative and self-serving."
And I don't consider what you said sexist either;I consider it bitterness.
Gonna leave it at that cuz I like you.

 

[Porman]

If you live long distance how will they know if you went to some party or what not? you dont have to tell them so they dont worry, and if you trust yourself not to cheat then theres no harm.

Also, i dont find alcohol makes people into cheaters. i think it just makes people that may cheat go through with it.

Meh lifes to short to limit yourself, thats why i dont want a girlfriend just yet.

 

[BlackCat]

Tell her all of your problems and suspicions. Don't lie to her... If you catch yourself doing it then stop and think about how the truth can be a good thing. I used to have the habit of being a compulsive liar. I got myself through it and told the truth about every major thing I lied about afterwards.

If I were in your shoes I'd explain that I was worried that I would lose her in some way. It's great that you found love in this world. I have yet to be blessed with that just yet.

 

[Incognita]

Oh my goodness gracious....ur only 17..u will be blessed dont worry

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I am twenty years old, and I have been a compulsive liar my entire life. I lie to cover myself up. I lie to make myself seem more interesting. Hell, I tell lies as conversation starters. I've rarely - if ever - been caught telling a lie, and I'm rather adept at covering my tracks and using a good alibi.

I am not proud of this. In fact, I hate myself for it.
- Kevin

First, forgive me if I'm making giant assumptions here. This is my gut-level reaction to your post.

To me, the trust issue stems from the fact that we each tend to view how other people are going to act, based on how we ourselves act. You lie, therefore it's not a huge assumption to make, deep down, that everyone else does too.

Even if she were close by, you might have the same worries about her if she told you, "Oh no, I'm not cheating!" because you know that if you were saying it it'd probably be a lie. Words are cheap, whereas actions are more powerful. It's hard in a long distance relationship (I've been there...) because you have only her word, her words, to rely on. For you, words seem to be of little comfort since you can suit them to whatever you need.

I think that it would be more difficult to just tell you that not everyone out there is uttering a lie and have you accept it than it would be to tackle the root of the problem, which is, why do you do it in the first place? Do you get a charge out of fabricating a story and characters? DO you get a "naughty thrill because we're not supposed to lie just for the hell of it? <--Sorry to get all therapist-y on you, but I think it's easier to do that than try to convince you that every woman you meet isn't just going to end up lying to you.

And the bad news is: lots of people really still are going to lie to us about the things that wound ua.