Naive and need advice....I'm scared

[Bluueyyy]

Basically, I'm really young (like 20) and so I know I'm going to be naive so I just want advice from other people....

I think I'm falling in love with this girl I met 4 months ago. I don't know what falling in love feels like but this is as close as I've ever gotten to it. I HONESTLY think she is the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen, Like I could watch her all day long...and I like talking to her, she's very cute and funny. She's also so strong-hearted and SO KIND! I love how she volunteers at charities and gives her time away.

There's only one problem, and I'm incredibly selfish for even saying this (IM SO SORRY...me = :club: )

She has a degenerative medical condition, and it TEARS ME UP! She's absolutely lovely and doesn't deserve it at all! I really want her to have the highest quality of life she can get! 5 years down the track from now she might not be able to walk....15 years down, I might have to help her move around.

I'm scared of getting committed to her because of this...and I feel like a selfish turd :'(

I try to reason with myself and come up with really silly things like:
"oh the worlds going to end anyway so may as well spend the last 5 years being happy with her" or
"oh I can increase her quality of life by so much!" or
"oh my social skills are so underdeveloped, I would be lonely if I didnt ask her out"

BUT I know that if I do ask her out, my parents will absolutely FREAK! My mum might even go as far as kicking me out of her house...trust me, my parents aren't exactly soft of these issues. And they care more about me "keeping the family honour" than anything else. If I dated someone with a disability they would kill me.

What should I do??
I'm 90% sure this girl likes me because we have flirted a bit....and she kissed my cheek :shy:....and I absolutely just melt thinking about her....OH GOD I don't know what to do...I wish I knew

 

[Okiedokes]

Ultimately the choice is up to you. Feelings/love comes with no boundaries. Well, it can if you let it. What matters to you the most is the question you need to ask yourself. Sounds like you really have a thing for this girl, but need to sort things out. What is most important to you?

 

[SophiaGrace]

I don't understand why it would be dishonorable to date someone with a disability. :l

 

[theraab]

Do you have a place to go and a way to support yourself if your parents throw you out? If the answer is no, then you are kind of stuck for now.

Love and disability have nothing to do with one another. Yours is a slightly different situation than the one I had (which I have posted much of recently, but as you are new, I will repeat some of it here) - I had been with Jackie for over 5 years when she was diagnosed with colon cancer but as it advanced (and from side effects from the chemo) she had trouble getting around; I had to push her in a wheelchair everywhere that required more than 20 feet of walking; she was throwing up so often we used 2 buckets, so that I could clean one out while she used the other one in case she had to vomit; the last six months of her life she had an ostomy which is where a piece of intestines is fished out of abdominal wall, and a bag is placed over it, which collects the honeysuckle (literally), and has to be changed and cleaned regularly, including wiping down the piece of intestine (which sends chills up your spine the first few times you do it); I had to spend all my non-working hours with her because she was afraid to be alone (a friend of hers would sit with her during the day); I had to help her shower, and as she got sicker, put her clothes on; I had to put balmex on her bedsores; I had to get up 5 or 6 times a night (every time she had to pee), to help her get to the bathroom because the liquid nutrition she was on was too heavy for her to carry; I had to hold her hand when she was so scared of dying (and loved life so much), and I had to console her when the doctors would give her a bleak prognosis; I had to fight my urge to cry every time she cried, because she needed me to be strong...and I would gladly have done all of that, every day, for the next 30 years if it meant I could have her here with me. And I wouldn't trade the 7 years I had with her for anything in the world.

Be sure you really love this girl, because once things start to get worse for her, you can't leave her side (but, if you love her, you won't even consider it) - but if you love her, don't let her disability keep you away.

 

[Bluueyyy]

Ultimately the choice is up to you. Feelings/love comes with no boundaries. Well, it can if you let it. What matters to you the most is the question you need to ask yourself. Sounds like you really have a thing for this girl, but need to sort things out. What is most important to you?

I don't know what's most important for me. Part of me really wants to be there for her and try to increase her quality of life (although she is a very happy person already). Another part of me thinks that my social skills are so bad that I wont be able to find another girl like this again. I'm scared of making the wrong decision here.

I don't understand why it would be dishonorable to date someone with a disability. :l

I don't think it is...actually I would be happy to ask her out. I think the only thing holding me back is my parents....I'm scared to death that they will disown me. I don't know if it's worth the risk....

Do you have a place to go and a way to support yourself if your parents throw you out? If the answer is no, then you are kind of stuck for now.

Love and disability have nothing to do with one another. Yours is a slightly different situation than the one I had (which I have posted much of recently, but as you are new, I will repeat some of it here) - I had been with Jackie for over 5 years when she was diagnosed with colon cancer but as it advanced (and from side effects from the chemo) she had trouble getting around; I had to push her in a wheelchair everywhere that required more than 20 feet of walking; she was throwing up so often we used 2 buckets, so that I could clean one out while she used the other one in case she had to vomit; the last six months of her life she had an ostomy which is where a piece of intestines is fished out of abdominal wall, and a bag is placed over it, which collects the honeysuckle (literally), and has to be changed and cleaned regularly, including wiping down the piece of intestine (which sends chills up your spine the first few times you do it); I had to spend all my non-working hours with her because she was afraid to be alone (a friend of hers would sit with her during the day); I had to help her shower, and as she got sicker, put her clothes on; I had to put balmex on her bedsores; I had to get up 5 or 6 times a night (every time she had to pee), to help her get to the bathroom because the liquid nutrition she was on was too heavy for her to carry; I had to hold her hand when she was so scared of dying (and loved life so much), and I had to console her when the doctors would give her a bleak prognosis; I had to fight my urge to cry every time she cried, because she needed me to be strong...and I would gladly have done all of that, every day, for the next 30 years if it meant I could have her here with me. And I wouldn't trade the 7 years I had with her for anything in the world.

Be sure you really love this girl, because once things start to get worse for her, you can't leave her side (but, if you love her, you won't even consider it) - but if you love her, don't let her disability keep you away.

theraab you have brought tears to my eyes :'( I'm sorry to hear of the cancer...but atleast she had loving friends and family to support her...and you!
You are a better man than I would ever be.
I think I should just wait and see how my feelings develop for her over time...there's no harm in waiting...maybe i'll even just not tell my parents about it at all

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't understand why it would be dishonorable to date someone with a disability. :l

Nothing dishonourable about it. Some people are just shallow and these people suck. Disabled people are still people like each one of us, with a heart, with emotions and feelings.

Love and disability have nothing to do with one another. Yours is a slightly different situation than the one I had (which I have posted much of recently, but as you are new, I will repeat some of it here) - I had been with Jackie for over 5 years when she was diagnosed with colon cancer but as it advanced (and from side effects from the chemo) she had trouble getting around; I had to push her in a wheelchair everywhere that required more than 20 feet of walking; she was throwing up so often we used 2 buckets, so that I could clean one out while she used the other one in case she had to vomit; the last six months of her life she had an ostomy which is where a piece of intestines is fished out of abdominal wall, and a bag is placed over it, which collects the honeysuckle (literally), and has to be changed and cleaned regularly, including wiping down the piece of intestine (which sends chills up your spine the first few times you do it); I had to spend all my non-working hours with her because she was afraid to be alone (a friend of hers would sit with her during the day); I had to help her shower, and as she got sicker, put her clothes on; I had to put balmex on her bedsores; I had to get up 5 or 6 times a night (every time she had to pee), to help her get to the bathroom because the liquid nutrition she was on was too heavy for her to carry; I had to hold her hand when she was so scared of dying (and loved life so much), and I had to console her when the doctors would give her a bleak prognosis; I had to fight my urge to cry every time she cried, because she needed me to be strong...and I would gladly have done all of that, every day, for the next 30 years if it meant I could have her here with me. And I wouldn't trade the 7 years I had with her for anything in the world.

Be sure you really love this girl, because once things start to get worse for her, you can't leave her side (but, if you love her, you won't even consider it) - but if you love her, don't let her disability keep you away.

theraab, I just want to give you a hug. It must have been tough to be strong for her, and for yourself. I know it drove me up the wall at times when my dad was diagnosed with several cancers. He survived the colon cancer though.. and the liver cancer.. but not the other few that came along because he was too tired to go under the knife for them. He got very irritable at everything.. it wasn't easy to put up with but I cannot imagine the amount of pain and hell he must've been through and trying to be understanding to a very negative, bitter and mean father was definitely not easy. Nothing I did was right.

It touched me to read that you stuck by her no matter what. And I'm glad you got to be with your girl through thick and thin. It says a lot about you and I commend you for that, you're great. *salutes you*

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you're dealing better now.
*HUGS*

I don't think it is...actually I would be happy to ask her out. I think the only thing holding me back is my parents....I'm scared to death that they will disown me. I don't know if it's worth the risk....

Bluueyyy, it's definitely not easy to be in your position. But you've a big heart and you're so young still. I might even say you could still be a kid.

But what I'm saying is, nothing wrong with waiting either. Because this is a big thing to go into for someone so young. Make sure you're stable and know what you're doing and like theraab said, you have to be sure you really love this girl and will be up for anything with her before you step into it because if not, getting her hopes crushed might be the worst thing you could ever do to anyone in your life.

 

[Bluueyyy]

Bluueyyy, it's definitely not easy to be in your position. But you've a big heart and you're so young still. I might even say you could still be a kid.

But what I'm saying is, nothing wrong with waiting either. Because this is a big thing to go into for someone so young. Make sure you're stable and know what you're doing and like theraab said, you have to be sure you really love this girl and will be up for anything with her before you step into it because if not, getting her hopes crushed might be the worst thing you could ever do to anyone in your life.

I still feel like a kid
Still at uni, dont have a job, living with parents
And this girl is like 3 years older than me... I want her to be happy. I am actually wishing that she finds someone really special to love...maybe someone 26 years old, with a job and house and ready to start a family I guess. I dont think I can do much for her, i just want her to be happy

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Go to her...

 

[IgnoredOne]

Go for it, it should give you impetus to do more on your own: get a job, make that money for that house, etc. You can't live your life by the terms of your parents forever.

 

[Salmonman]

If I were in your position, I would just sit down and talk to her, as well as my parents (though probably not together), and explain the situation to everyone as you see it, just as you have done here. If everyone is on the same page then this will be about 10 times easier for you and her too. If not with your parents you at least have to talk to her. If she cares about you then she will understand and you can go from there, and if she doesn't understand then she must not care about you as much as you do her, and there you will have an answer.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Bluueyyy, it's definitely not easy to be in your position. But you've a big heart and you're so young still. I might even say you could still be a kid.

But what I'm saying is, nothing wrong with waiting either. Because this is a big thing to go into for someone so young. Make sure you're stable and know what you're doing and like theraab said, you have to be sure you really love this girl and will be up for anything with her before you step into it because if not, getting her hopes crushed might be the worst thing you could ever do to anyone in your life.

I still feel like a kid
Still at uni, dont have a job, living with parents
And this girl is like 3 years older than me... I want her to be happy. I am actually wishing that she finds someone really special to love...maybe someone 26 years old, with a job and house and ready to start a family I guess. I dont think I can do much for her, i just want her to be happy

You are still very young and have a long road ahead of you. There's always the option to remain friends if you truly care about her.

 

[Sterling]

Life is about moments.

Take some time to yourself. How devastated would you be if you did not ask this girl out and spent a lifetime without memories together (other than friends). How would you feel if you did have to take care of her in the end? Would you resent her? Be overly stressed? Be okay with it?

Don't be with her just because you want to improve her quality of life. Don't be with her because you're afraid nobody else will like you. Be with her because you like her and care for her, but if you're not prepared for the challenges that you will surely face, keep it on the friendly level.

 

[BrokenInside]

Mind if i ask what is she suffering from?

 

[The Good Citizen]

Don't be ashamed for questioning if you are up to the task, this could be a big decision for both of you in terms of the support she may need from you down the line and that’s exactly what you should be considering instead of just acting on what might just be a crush without thinking it through. Just be careful this feeling is not an inflated infatuation based on the appeal of being a ‘knight in shining armour’, be sure your feelings are genuine (that’s sometimes impossible to truly know though).

There is the question of what you want from life and what you might have to give up (kids for example although I don't know the details). You are doing exactly the right thing in asking hard questions of yourself before you get involved; it shows a level of maturity at a young age which means you certainly shouldn't underestimate what you are capable of.

If you start to date this girl, its not a life sentence, if things don't work out you CAN walk away. I doubt she’d want you to feel any different. If you do get together be open, discuss your hopes and fears for what the future might hold and as long as you understand each other and understand fully what you are taking on, that’s all you can ask of each other at this stage. If you do get together live for the moment! Cross the future when you come to it, work at building a strong base in the meantime.