near 30 and still dealing with childhood pain

[fierycrash]

Wow. Where to start. First off, I love my life (sort of). I have a fantastic husband, and the sweetest 2 year old daughter I could ever hope for. They are my life. I've lost all my "real" friends over the years. No one calls. No one invites me. Plenty of acquaintances and chattiness at work. Plenty of Facebook validation. haha. but not in real life.

Now let's get to what haunts me. My childhood.

I have loving parents, but a lot of unfortunate things happened. Let's start with 2nd grade. Glasses. No big deal, but that was just the beginning of the downward spiral. Then the kicker. 3rd grade. My mother had my hair cut very short, as in boy short. I hated it. I was called a boy by so many strangers, and this REALLY hurt. I can still tell you exactly what I was wearing when a lady thought I was my parents' son. I remember thinking, "but I'm wearing purple!". To this day, I feel that this stupid hair cut robbed me of so many things. It stripped by self confidence. It took away being a sweet little girl. My mother has told me that she had it cut short because she was tired of doing my hair every morning. Ouch. It's the one thing I've never forgiven her for.

Oh, and let's not forget. I was already quite shy. The haircut and glasses just added to it. The hair took years to grow out, so many years of just feeling awful about myself.

I also had quite a bit of shame going on. I hope this isn't too inappropriate, but I really need to vent to someone. For some reason, I discovered how to masturbate at a young age. I was so young that I did it in public, not knowing what it was. My parents made me feel that it was something dirty. It's a shameful part of my past. So let's add that shame too. I often wonder just who was a witness to me doing this. Ugh.

Ok, so we've got all this going on in my young life. Let's fast forward to 7th grade. My best friend in the entire world pretty much dumped me. I wasn't cool enough anymore. She never said why. But you just know. 7th grade was also the year that I was forced to go to a religious camp with kids from my church that I wasn't friends with. I didn't want to go. The worst part was when everyone had to get a partner to canoe with. Guess who didn't get one? Yeah. So I just stood there by the lake, watching everyone have a ball. It was SO painful. I can still feel the rawness of that experience.

Highschool. I was NEVER asked out. I wasn't "ugly" either. Not beautiful, but kind of cute (at least after the hair grew back). Painfully shy. Annoyed with most of the kids at school. On my 16th birthday I was starting to realize what I great thing the internet was. I was able to talk to others in chat rooms without being shy. It felt good. I met someone from New York who was 20. He made me feel so special. We talked for over a year. I hid this from my parents, but was caught talking on the phone multiple times. He decided he wanted to come see me. I took all the precautions I could. I wasn't stupid. I talked to his family. I talked to his professor at NYU. We planned to hide the visit. Somehow, my mom found out. They still let him come out of fear that I would leave or do something crazy. So he came, but only to our house. They let me alone with him for a few days in the basement (he didn't spend the night). We fooled around. We talked and watched movies. It was great at the time. Now, I'm not so sure how I feel. Was I seduced? Did he love me? What was I thinking? When he left I wasn't allowed to see him or talk to him again. I sank into a deep depression. I was sent to therapy and put on medication for depression/OCD. Blah, blah, blah. I joined the band. Best decision ever. Made some friends. Felt like I belonged to something.

College. I met a "real" boyfriend and let the one from NY go. Life got better. Had major ups and down. Fast forward 10 or so years later. Married to a great guy. Daughter. Decent job. Homeowner.

But why does everything from my past still haunt me? Am I holding on to stupid little things that shouldn't mean so much? Or can what I've written about really have this profound an affect on my self esteem?

I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. I've just never really said all this out loud. I guess I just want some validation that what happened to me sucked and maybe I'm allowed to hurt. I'm tired of needing to feel accepted so much. Most people annoy me. I'm a pretty deep thinker. I suck at small talk. I mean, do you REALLY care how I'm doing? No. So why bother, you know?

Despite this, I'd love to have a good friend or two besides my husband. I just don't know how to connect with people.

Finished now. Any insight, advice, validation, or comments appreciated.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Welcome fierycrash,

I think all of us are wired in different ways regarding how to deal with our past. I have several years on you but the shitty childhood I had still impacts the decisions I make today, particularly in regards to my child (a wonderful nine year old daughter). Even though I can't go back for a do-over I've chose to use the humiliation and sadness I endured as a child to make her childhood experiences better. I've chose to stay in a loveless (thus lonely) relationship so that she doesn't have to deal with the anxiety and uncertainty that I see many single/divorced children deal with (luckily her mother and I have remained friends even if we don't have a relationship with intimacy and passion).

Yes, you are allowed to hurt. Not everybody has had a childhood of innocence and carefree existence and that's too bad. I'm also aware (and I remind myself of this from time to time) that it could have been much worse (such as being born in a third world nation with nothing, major illness) and I use these in my "checks and balances" that I do on myself from time to time.

Painful memories suck, that's for sure.

Don't know if this helps or not.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You basically Intuitively let go or
Release your painful past.

Emptional baggages you wish not around anymore.

Journaling helps.

But by you kinda throwing
Out there. Yourre letting go more and more.

The 12 steps get people to do this same process.

I found the sedona metdoe more simple
For me to work and apply.

Letting go of negative thoughts and feelings.
Such as guilt and shame.
Not to figure it out anymore or feed it
Anymore.
I stil have memories from my past that
will pop up from time to time.
I let go of them faster.

---

May i suggest you make a list of positive
Things about yourself.
Positive experince you had from your
Childhood as will.

Any moments that you had that you
Felt good...
Such as playing with your toys
Or the good time and laughtets do
Had with your life.

Bring this into your awerness and
Remember those positive experience also.

It might be a challenge for you to
Make a list of positive moments and
Feelings.
DON'T WORRY, most people do.

The pains, guilt and shame feelings
Are louder and sharper emotions.
Our mind latches on to them quicker.

The happy, sereen peaceful emotions
Are softer...but soother.
ALLOW URSELF TO FEEL GOOD.

 

[Nolife Princess]

....I read this, and so so so identify with your story.

Life ... life seems so unfair. I'm sorry that you had a crummy time. Just know you are not alone. (
If you would like to PM, I am here!!

*hugs*

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You can also make a graditude list.
This will trjgger good feelings.

You. CAN ALSO ALLOW YOURSELF
TO FEEL YOU HAD RECEIVED EVERYTHING
YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE.
THIS TOO WILL TRIGGER GOOD THOUGHTS
AND FLEEINGS.
Do it 5 to 10 minutes p day.

---

If we think and feel those painful
Memories over and over again
In present moments...
No only do we relive our past.

OUR BRAIN ALSO CREATE CARBON
COPIES OF THOSE PAINFUL MOMENT
WHICH REINFORCES IT MORE.
OUR BRAIN RECEPTORS ADJUSTED
TO RECEIVING THOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS.
YOU CAN TERM IT AS CHORNIC OR ADDICTED.

THE SEDONA method simply taught
Me to stop playing those bad tapes
ovrr and over agaiN.

LET GO AND DON'T FIGURE IT OUT.
OR DROP IT.
IT TOOK ME A LITTLE WHILE
TO FORM THIS TRAIT OR HABIT.
ITS A SOMPLE PROCESS I CAN APPPLY.

the guilt and shame ate powerful emotions,
To spond instead of react to them.

I respond by choosing to let them go.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't know what to say, other than I identify with this completely.

I am nearing 30, and still in college, still to experience a first kiss or sex, still to get a girlfriend, still to get a good job.

You can find solace in the fact that there are others out there who are struggling, just like you do. I still feel fat and ugly, and even though I'm a guy, I don't like the way I look at all.

 

[bigboi]

I too felt like this in my childhood days and it makes me what I am today...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I can't say what I am today.

I am a strong person, who can withstand pretty much anything. But I am also alone, and generally left that way by people. And I don't understand why?

If I could understand the social aspect of relationships, like I used to, perhaps I could get into a relationship myself and make new friends? But, alas, I don't understand relationships.

Maybe I am an Aspie, as some have suggested? But I just wish I could understand why I was bullied, and why that has led to me not having almost anyone in my life.