Need a female perspective and help

[JohnD1]

Ok first post. Glad this forum is here. Ill try to keep a long story short. Im early 30s married and have a young child. I have had several issues with my significant other that may seem minor but are major to me. Wont go into it all but it depresses me at times.
Recently Ive gotten to know (not by choice) a beautiful younger girl that was very interesting to me. Shared a lot of personal stuff with her. Ive been amazed by her. Things were going great. Really enjoyed talking with her. One day out of the blue I told her some things. I really opened up like I hadnt done in 10 years. I thought she would appreciate the compliments and that it would actually cheer her up.

I am unbeleivably attracted to this person. I dont know why because this is usually not even my type.
Anyway, the rest of that day went ok. Then it kind of became awkward. She doesnt open up to me anymore. Speaks to me less than she did before. Wont make eye contact and ignores me.
Another day, I decided I better apologize and try to patch things up. That made things worse. I blew it bad.


I feel like an attractive confident guy. Im honest and I have to think theres got to be

---

Theres got to be millions of girls who would love to receive compliments like I gave. Anyway, I think about this situation all the time now. You wish people could just be open and talk but I guess not. She wont even be friendly. I dont know if its just her personality or if I should be offended or what. Dont know whether to like her or what. So now I just backed off and dont say anything.
Crushed again for expressing how I felt. I thought getting it off my chest would feel great and now everything is Fd.
What do I do now? Let it go? This is on my mind so much it impairs how I function some days. It was a big deal for me to say something and now i regret it.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Ok first post. Glad this forum is here. Ill try to keep a long story short. Im early 30s married and have a young child. I have had several issues with my significant other that may seem minor but are major to me. Wont go into it all but it depresses me at times.
Recently Ive gotten to know (not by choice) a beautiful younger girl that was very interesting to me. Shared a lot of personal stuff with her. Ive been amazed by her. Things were going great. Really enjoyed talking with her. One day out of the blue I told her some things. I really opened up like I hadnt done in 10 years. I thought she would appreciate the compliments and that it would actually cheer her up.

I am unbeleivably attracted to this person. I dont know why because this is usually not even my type.
Anyway, the rest of that day went ok. Then it kind of became awkward. She doesnt open up to me anymore. Speaks to me less than she did before. Wont make eye contact and ignores me.
Another day, I decided I better apologize and try to patch things up. That made things worse. I blew it bad.


I feel like an attractive confident guy. Im honest and I have to think theres got to be

Let me see if I have this right...

You're flirting/trying to romance/patch things up with/apologize to a woman that you are attracted to who is NOT your wife, correct?

I think you have that ass-backward, dude.
You're MARRIED. Go apologize to your WIFE.
Also, maybe this woman got the message that you're interested in here while being married. Maybe that's why she's shunning you now?
If you have "major" issues with your wife, work them out. If you can't work them out, get a divorce and THEN start sniffing around other women - not while you're still married. *facepalm*


Oh wait...let me respond to your edited content:

Theres got to be millions of girls who would love to receive compliments like I gave. Anyway, I think about this situation all the time now. You wish people could just be open and talk but I guess not. She wont even be friendly. I dont know if its just her personality or if I should be offended or what. Dont know whether to like her or what. So now I just backed off and dont say anything.
Crushed again for expressing how I felt. I thought getting it off my chest would feel great and now everything is Fd.
What do I do now? Let it go? This is on my mind so much it impairs how I function some days. It was a big deal for me to say something and now i regret it.

Millions of girls, huh? Maybe your WIFE would have liked to have been on the receiving end?
Somehow, I don't think you "regret" what you did for the RIGHT reasons.

 

[JohnD1]

Ok. I figured all this was coming. Without going into details I did not ask for this. I am not looking for a second life to be happy. Yeah Im sure she thinks Im a creep. Its really messed with my head. Getting yelled at over it from anybody isnt going to help. Maybe I need it though.

I hate to ruin things with somebody I genuinely liked.

I tried to think of somebody I could talk to about this but its just too bad. There is nobody i can share this with. It affects me badly. This is not easy to deal with.

 

[Shut_Out]

I think you have that ass-backward, dude.
You're MARRIED. Go apologize to your WIFE.
Also, maybe this woman got the message that you're interested in here while being married. Maybe that's why she's shunning you now?
If you have "major" issues with your wife, work them out. If you can't work them out, get a divorce and THEN start sniffing around other women - not while you're still married. *facepalm*

This all the way.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Ok. I figured all this was coming.

Yup...at least you know people aren't overly accepting of people whose selfishness can destroy the lives of others.

Without going into details I did not ask for this.

You seem to leave out ANY details, but that's OK - I think we got the gist of what you did. And, you may not have "asked" for it, but according to your post, you sure as hell didn't turn it away either.

I am not looking for a second life to be happy.

Something tells me you won't be getting one.

Yeah Im sure she thinks Im a creep.

I can't vouch for what she thinks. I also have no idea why she decided to shun you, but I'm glad she did. The grass isn't always greener, you know.

Its really messed with my head.

Indeed? Imagine what this would do to your wife and child's heads.

Getting yelled at over it from anybody isnt going to help.

Gotta be honest - it might not make you feel any less burned by your wanna-be-lady-love, but maybe random internet strangers telling you that you messed up might at least make you stop and think about how your actions might hurt your family. Maybe you care, maybe you don't. *shrug*

Maybe I need it though.

Yeah, maybe you do. You don't really seem to regret (AT ALL) that you crapped on your family - that's what bugs me about your thread. You're concerned about the one who got away, not the one you married and have a family with. Where is your remorse? Doesn't seem like you have any.

I hate to ruin things with somebody I genuinely liked.

I laughed out loud at that comment. Do you even realize how absurd that sounds?? Didn't you genuinely like your wife when you married her? You don't seem to "hate ruining things" for your family.

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I tried to think of somebody I could talk to about this but its just too bad. There is nobody i can share this with. It affects me badly. This is not easy to deal with.

Yes, there IS someone you can talk to about it - it's called a therapist of marriage counselor.

OR....maybe instead of whining because you couldn't keep the interest of some woman that you had no business trying to get with in the first place, you should be asking for advice on how NOT to cheat on your wife and to either salvage your marriage or get out of it, causing as little damage to your family as possible.

It's hard to come up with any sympathy for someone who acts like they don't give a rat's furry butt about anyone but themselves, ya know?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You don't need a female perspective. You need a kick in the head.

Seriously, dude, wtf? I'm a guy, who clearly has very little experience or knowledge with women or how they work, but I do know that relationships involving cheating, unless they are open relationships, don't work. You betrayed your wife and child, and it doesn't matter how hot the younger woman was...if you wanted a relationship with her, you shouldn't have cheated with her on your wife. That's what divorce is for.

Of course, if your marriage has gotten to the point where you feel the need to cheat, like she isn't satisfying you enough, your marriage was in trouble long before you met this younger woman. Which means, you should have worked on your marriage, before you cheated and destroyed any sense of trust that your wife would have for you.

And since you're worried more about the affair than your marriage, you already have dealt your cards. You are a poor father, and poor husband. And who's to say that, if you got remarried, that you wouldn't cheat on this girl with a younger woman, in ten years?

 

[Solivagant]

Im honest

...Really? You're a married man. Your behavior towards this woman can hardly be classified as "honest". I applaud her for having the sense and integrity to turn you down (assuming your marriage is the reason, we don't know).

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Did you share that you were married with your girlfriend?

Because, if that is the reason she turned you down, she is a smart woman.

 

[Locke]

Ok. I figured all this was coming. Without going into details I did not ask for this. I am not looking for a second life to be happy. Yeah Im sure she thinks Im a creep. Its really messed with my head. Getting yelled at over it from anybody isnt going to help. Maybe I need it though.

I hate to ruin things with somebody I genuinely liked.

I tried to think of somebody I could talk to about this but its just too bad. There is nobody i can share this with. It affects me badly. This is not easy to deal with.

What, you mean there's not a cheating mens club you can talk to about it with?!

You can talk about it here or anywhere else. It won't change the fact that you are wrong, and you know it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I thought she would appreciate the compliments and that it would actually cheer her up.

Well, that depends on what you said. Just because you thought it to be a compliment, doesn't mean that she did. I'm curious as to what was said, however, I'm not going to ask you to repeat any of here it. As a female, I don't really have much to say after reading about your situation, other than the fact that I think you need to tell your wife and talk to her about things. I think you were looking for - not a replacement - but a "quick fix" for a female who you could talk to. Not only did you find that, but it backfired on you (rightfully so), and what gets me is that you seem more upset that this random girl won't talk to you anymore? I think you've got your priorities wrong, dude.

Also, there's a reason why this girl doesn't want to talk to you, and while I've not an idea what's going on in her mind, I would assume it's her way of telling you to leave her alone.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Don't bother. He doesn't give a crap about what he's done.

 

[Solivagant]

I thought she would appreciate the compliments and that it would actually cheer her up.

Well, that depends on what you said. Just because you thought it to be a compliment, doesn't mean that she did.

Also, there's a reason why this girl doesn't want to talk to you, and while I've not an idea what's going on in her mind, I would assume it's her way of telling you to leave her alone.

Ditto, I was thinking the same things.

 

[theraab]

I thought she would appreciate the compliments and that it would actually cheer her up.

Well, that depends on what you said. Just because you thought it to be a compliment, doesn't mean that she did. I'm curious as to what was said, however, I'm not going to ask you to repeat any of here it.

I'm kind of curious about these compliments too. Were they things like:

"You're hot enough to be my mistress"
"You've got such a great body, would you like some adultery?"
"You're so pretty, I think about you when I screw my wife"
"I'm having trouble in my marriage, and you'll listen to me...would you like some D?"

I can't imagine why these wouldn't work.

 

[JohnD1]

Whatever. You people have no idea what I said. Quite a leap to say I was cheating but whatever. You have no idea what I put up with. You ever think that sometimes a wife takes you for granted after a while? Among many other things I wont go into. Yes, yes. All my fault. Thanks so much for that.

 

[Runciter]

Quite a leap to say I was cheating but whatever.

Only because you got REJECTED. You're telling us you wouldn't have slept with her if she offered?

Pray tell, where did your child fit into this equation?

 

[Locke]

Whatever. You people have no idea what I said. Quite a leap to say I was cheating but whatever. You have no idea what I put up with. You ever think that sometimes a wife takes you for granted after a while? Among many other things I wont go into. Yes, yes. All my fault. Thanks so much for that.

It's emotional cheating. And maybe your wife treats you like honeysuckle, I'm not going to pretend to know. Do you believe two wrongs make a right? Are you claiming that flirting with this girl is acceptable because of how your wife treats you?! You have better options. Marriage counciling, divorce, temporary separation..... There are ways to at least attempt to fix things. Breaking your vows to your wife is not one of them.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Whatever. You people have no idea what I said. Quite a leap to say I was cheating but whatever. You have no idea what I put up with. You ever think that sometimes a wife takes you for granted after a while? Among many other things I wont go into. Yes, yes. All my fault. Thanks so much for that.

Then why do you stay? If she's such a horrible person, leave her.
She takes your for granted? So what? It's doesnt justify your actions. Ever talk to her about how you feel?
Only YOU are responsible for your actions. Your wife didn't force you to find interest in another woman. You used your wife's "behavior" (whatever it was) to try to justify your own lack or control and morals.
And it really doesn't matter what you "said" to this other woman. You were obviously smitten with her while still married. You ACTED on it by flirting with her and even got upset because she shut you down (for whatever her reasons were).
Again, you show no guilt at all for putting aside your marriage vows.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Raab, lol. :club:

Whatever. You people have no idea what I said. Quite a leap to say I was cheating but whatever. You have no idea what I put up with. You ever think that sometimes a wife takes you for granted after a while? Among many other things I wont go into. Yes, yes. All my fault. Thanks so much for that.

Not only do I not have a say in your life (much less your love life), but I have no right or reason to judge you. I just think it's odd that you claim that it wasn't your choice to get to know this girl, yet you did anyway. You may not have had the choice to be around her - the circumstances are unknown to us, remember - however, you did have the choice in what you said to her. You did have that choice in becoming any closer to her than you were forced to, and you did have that option to not open up to her. But you decided to anyway.

Perhaps it's not your fault in her being around to begin with, but your decision to open up to her was. That was completely on you. Take some responsibility and own up to it. Looking towards another female won't solve the issues between you and your wife.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It's emotional cheating. And maybe your wife treats you like honeysuckle, I'm not going to pretend to know. Do you believe two wrongs make a right? Are you claiming that flirting with this girl is acceptable because of how your wife treats you?! You have better options. Marriage counciling, divorce, temporary separation..... There are ways to at least attempt to fix things. Breaking your vows to your wife is not one of them.

Then why do you stay? If she's such a horrible person, leave her.
She takes your for granted? So what? It's doesnt justify your actions. Ever talk to her about how you feel?
Only YOU are responsible for your actions. Your wife didn't force you to find interest in another woman. You used your wife's "behavior" (whatever it was) to try to justify your own lack or control and morals.
And it really doesn't matter what you "said" to this other woman. You were obviously smitten with her while still married. You ACTED on it by flirting with her and even got upset because she shut you down (for whatever her reasons were).
Again, you show no guilt at all for putting aside your marriage vows.

^ My sentiments.

No matter how badly your wife may have treated you, at least honour your marriage, and respect your child? If she's so bad, like what Eve said, do something to stop it. Having an affair will only make matters worse.

Try not to take the posts here as an attack. Some of the members here speak from experiences.. of being on the other side of the kind of story you have here. You may not be able to see it, but at least be open to other's opinions - you did ask for advice / what to do. We are not here to attack you, but we are here to help you.. see what's right from wrong.

Good luck.
To your family too.. especially your kid. Breaks my heart.. only because my job deals with a lot of kids coming from broken families or marriages. *shrugs*

 

[JohnD1]

LadyFS: Thank you for your last post. It hurts to be told some of these things but it has helped me refocus a little. I dont want or need to get divorced. Some have it much worse than I do. I do talk to my wife. Weve had several discussions. Most people want to feel fulfilled. Many times I am not. There are some problems. And some things are probably never going to change.
Its easy to pile on me and say Im so selfish. Nobody ever cares how I feel. I cant share anymore of this story. Some may understand, some may not.

Thanks for listening.