nervous about phone call

[Avalon]

My gf and I have been together for about 3 years now, we're both in our 20's.

Last night something happened that really unnerved me. Late at night (11pm) she received a phone call from a guy. She told him that she was doing homework. She also told him she was feeling better from her cold. She told him she would call him back and the call ended.

She usually tells me who it is on the phone right after the call. She didn’t.

When I asked her “late for someone to be calling.” She ignored me.

She’s talked with this guy before. Last time was in my car, a few weeks ago. She told me “I have something to take care of” (which sounds fishy). She calls him and asks if hes in class. And this is on a Sunday.

I’m not a control freak. I’m quite liberal. But this made me very uncomfortable last night. The questions he asked her were a little too personal.

I’m nervous and scared. I don’t know what to do. If I ask her directly, she will think I don’t trust her. I do trust her, but I also want to find out who it is and how come she hasn’t been exactly forthcoming and didn’t tell me.

please help.

 

[Okiedokes]

It could be something, it could be nothing.. but I'd be suspicious too. Especially at a late night phone call. Has she acted different lately towards you? Any problems? Ask yourself those questions and see if maybe there is something. After 3 years, you would probably know the type of friends she makes and hangs around. If this is unusual, then you should ask her about it.

 

[The Good Citizen]

I've been through this.

I suppose your option are

1 You trust her and try to put it out of your mind.
2 You ask her. If you do she might deny it and you may or may not feel reassured afterwards, that depends on how well you know her and how well you can read her as a person. If you do ask her then I would try and avoid being accusing, tell her you are worried and that you needed to get it off your chest. Ask who it is, I personally think you have a right to know if someone of the opposite sex is calling at all hours. Its a relationship, people get worried she has to be realistic about that, it only means you care.
3 You do nothing for a while and keep your eyes open, be careful though as you will start to look for things that aren't there or see things that are there and convince yourself its nothing, you can tie yourself up in knots.

Once doubt creeps in it can eat away at you, you're already at the point where you need to discuss it on here so if you feel that feeling isn't going to go away then personally I think the second option is best. You have a right to be insecure if something strange like that happens, just be sensitive, don't go in all guns blazing and accuse her, tell her you love her and you are worried and you just need her reassurance that everything is ok. It may be nothing, it may be that some guy is intrested in her but she values him as a friend, (the fact he did call at 11 in a strange way suggests it is innocent as people having affairs don't tend to be that stupid if that helps!) its just one of those tricky situations where you might have to talk about boundaries and what works for both of you. Theres nothing wrong with being protective of a relationship from outside influences, it just requires a bit of tact!

 

[Ak5]

Completely normal to be anxious about it. But remember to not jump to conclusions so soon.

If you really want to know, ask her about it. Since you've been together for so long, I think she should be open with you about it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Well id ask her again who it was ad if she refuses a 2nd tim id be suspicious.

 

[Avalon]

Thanks guys. I made some headway on the issue. Found out it was a guy in her class.

I asked her, subtlely. She told me her stupid classmates weren't pulling their weight in their project.
And I asked casually "oh, u mean the one that called u late at nite?"
and she said "yeah"

I still feel weird though. It's kinda like watching the person across the street build a concrete platform. Could be used to place a gun, or something completely harmless like a greenhouse.

 

[Ak5]

Thanks guys. I made some headway on the issue. Found out it was a guy in her class.

I asked her, subtlely. She told me her stupid classmates weren't pulling their weight in their project.
And I asked casually "oh, u mean the one that called u late at nite?"
and she said "yeah"

I still feel weird though. It's kinda like watching the person across the street build a concrete platform. Could be used to place a gun, or something completely harmless like a greenhouse.

All good then!

Glad to hear.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Thanks guys. I made some headway on the issue. Found out it was a guy in her class.

I asked her, subtlely. She told me her stupid classmates weren't pulling their weight in their project.
And I asked casually "oh, u mean the one that called u late at nite?"
and she said "yeah"

I still feel weird though. It's kinda like watching the person across the street build a concrete platform. Could be used to place a gun, or something completely harmless like a greenhouse.

Well handled!

 

[passage]

Who cares, if you really do trust her, you shouldn't care. Sounds to me like you are at the boundary of a control freak, clingy little *********. Your girlfriend can call and talk to whoever she likes without you knowing every itty bitty detail.

As for the "How are you feeling question" he asked, how is that too personal. Maybe she was blowing her nose or coughing a lung out in her class, so he asked if shes doing better.

 

[Avalon]

Today, I'm worried my gf went on a short half-day trip with this guy.

This morning , she called me and asked me which highway we took when we went to a factory outlet about 3 weeks ago.
Then she said "talk to you later", which sounds suspicious, as if to stop me from bothering her.

I don't know if I'm overreacting. I'ts a very innocent question. But around lunchtime, I had a very terrible thought , maybe she went on this trip to the outlet with this guy??

Ever since Tuesday nite, I haven't felt safe. Learning it was a classmate hasn't made me feel much better. I don't even feel secure even though she called me this morning. It only brought on a new worry. Strictly speaking, she isn't acting really suspicous, but I still think she is, somehow.

help!

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Is she still regularly spending time with you? I mean, do you still cuddle up together frequently, go out and do stuff together? Or is she at all hesitant/stand-offish about that stuff?

If the frequency of those simple activities with you is decreasing and she's "vanishing" more often, I'd think something was up too.

You said you've been going out 3 years? Over that time you should have established a real trust and closeness - in my mind, if she's mature and worthy of your time that means she should be able to handle you asking her about this.

Personally, I would ask her to explain about this guy if anything particularly unusual or offputting in her behaviour strikes you in future. Don't do it in a confrontational manner and be sure to clarify that you trust her enormously.

If she is being dishonest, phrasing it like that will probably make her realise that she is abusing your trust and she may tell you if anything's going on.

However, it's a big "if". I'd wait longer first.

Sounds to me like you are at the boundary of a control freak, clingy little *********.

Hey, no need to start insulting other members.

If you have a particular opinion towards the OP's attitude, please phrase it in a constructive manner.

 

[Avalon]

Thanks.

Yeah she is, shes a good girl. I can't detect anything out of the ordinary.

I guess I'll let it slide, for now, and wait.

She tells me she's going out with her mom tomorrow, and won't be able to come over. Still, I dont' feel secure. She maybe lying to me. I don't know. It's a hard feeling to shake.

The worst part is suspicions in my mind, sometimes I have trouble controlling them.

 

[clean]

Letting it slide sounds like a good idea. It sounds like you're torturing yourself with the worst-case scenario. Remember, even in the highly unlikely event that she's lying, you will need to prevent suspicion from creeping into your relationship. That will only make things worse in all circumstances. I would go so far as to suggest giving her more space than usual. Space says "I trust you" even if your mind is struggling with it.

Take some deep breaths, masturbate, go out with friends, have a beer. Honestly, if it's really getting to you pretty bad, then it's probably a sign that you're getting too dependent. If that's the case, consider giving yourself a lot of extra personal time to keep yourself grounded.

 

[Avalon]

Letting it slide sounds like a good idea. It sounds like you're torturing yourself with the worst-case scenario. Remember, even in the highly unlikely event that she's lying, you will need to prevent suspicion from creeping into your relationship. That will only make things worse in all circumstances. I would go so far as to suggest giving her more space than usual. Space says "I trust you" even if your mind is struggling with it.

Take some deep breaths, masturbate, go out with friends, have a beer. Honestly, if it's really getting to you pretty bad, then it's probably a sign that you're getting too dependent. If that's the case, consider giving yourself a lot of extra personal time to keep yourself grounded.

Thanks for this advice.
I spent yesterday hanging out with my buddies, and doing pretty much all of the above lol. But somewhere, in the back of my mind, I was wondering what she was doing.

Will she find it weird if I don't text her for a day or two?

 

[clean]

Will she find it weird if I don't text her for a day or two?

I think you would know better than anybody, but I don't think you should worry about it either way. I suspect you need that time to let your anxiety subside, and that's more important right now. If you try to talk to her now, you'll be more tempted to look for clues in what she says.

It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep it up. Things will get back to normal soon.

 

[Ak5]

Don't worry about it much. Remember to not jump to conclusions dude, it is very easy to do so. I'd talk to her and be open about it, you guys have been dating for a long time already.

What you thinking about the situation?

 

[Avalon]

I'm trying to stay calm and writing down what happens everyday since Saturday (since the last day I saw her)

Sunday - She was at dinner party with her mom. We didn't contact each other. I hung out with my buddies. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Monday - I texted her in the afternoon. She usually doesn't text me on Mondays, unless she needs something. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Tuesday - She texted me this morning! She usually initiates texting on Tuesdays cuz she wakes up early to go to school. Nothing out of the ordinary.
She texted a bit slow today, but so were my replies, as it was busy at work. It was about 20 minute intervals between our texts. She eventually stopped replying at after 2 hours, and I've left it at that since. She used to do that before too, from time to time. Nothing out of the ordinary.

So far, just looking at this objectively, and with the evidence, there is nothing out of the ordinary. I can't detect any suspicious behaviour. She's doing what she's always done.

I'm beginning to think it's my own excessive anxiety and paranoia. I'm also being a bit needy (since I last saw her on Saturday, whereas normally I see her on Sunday). But of course she wouldn't know that. From her perspective, everything could be normal.

Does this sound like my own problem?

also, when she came over on Saturday, she and my mom were laughing and talking and having a great time. It doesn't seem like the behaviour of a girl who is going out with someone else.

 

[Kat]

Has she done something in the past to make you feel insecure, or is this your own insecurity from your own personal issues with yourself that is creating this tension for you? How would you feel if the situation were reversed---you were talking to a female friend/acquaintance and she was acting and feeling the way you are feeling now, and not openly talking to you about it?

 

[Avalon]

Has she done something in the past to make you feel insecure, or is this your own insecurity from your own personal issues with yourself that is creating this tension for you? How would you feel if the situation were reversed---you were talking to a female friend/acquaintance and she was acting and feeling the way you are feeling now, and not openly talking to you about it?

I think its a combination of both.
It stems from last year, when she left me without explaining why. We got back together this year. She apologized, but still didn't really explain why. I didn't really pursue the issue. Nevertheless, whenever I perceive her acting strange, I immediately go to high alert.

This is compounded by the fact that I can be clingy and paranoid. It's very rare that I feel secure (with anybody). I've been told I have "separation anxiety" , where I need constant physical or communicative contact with a person to feel secure.
I've tried meditation and a bunch of other things to reduce my anxiety and calm myself down from panic.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Avalon

Do you think you could take the time out to do something out of the ordinary, take her away for a weekend or something that puts you in a new environment for a while, just the two of you? It would clean the air, show you care and give you the chance to spend some time forgetting about everything thats been worrying you. Sometimes a relationship just needs a kick up the ass to get it moving again, perhaps making her feel special and seeing how she responds will make you feel happier.