TurinTurambar
Member
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2011
- Messages
- 20
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Hi, first time on this board. I guess I'll start by talking a little about myself. I was born in Ukraine and moved to the US when I was very little. We moved a few times while I was younger, but now I live in central NJ. I am 23, and a junior in college.
For as long as I can remember, I was lonely. My whole life. There were transient times where I would have a group of friends that I trusted and had good times with, but I haven't had any of that since about the 8th grade. I did always feel different from everyone. There were times when I was younger and I relished being alone because I would play pretend and let my imagination run wild. But as I became older I didn't want to just play in fantasy land anymore. Most of my life so far was spent in a rich republican Italian town. I don't remember coming home too many times not wanting to cry. When I started out, I was too nerdy for everybody because I was smart and got good grades. I started to get worse grades on purpose to fit in. I desperately wanted to be a part of the cool crowd. By 5th grade, I had my little group of friends who weren't the most popular, but we were not doing too bad. In middle school, I started off slow again. I had kept some friends from the first group, but then I intentionally ditched them to join this super cool group of kids who were at the echelon of popularity. The thing was, I was basically their assistant (I guess *****). Everyone knew it, and I tried to deny it, but I was never really considered one of the cool kids. I did have a few girlfriends in middle school, but we hardly even touched hands. Sometimes if I would get in an argument I would have a comment like "Hey you're an idiot!" and all they would have to say is "Go back to Russia!" and all the kids would laugh as if that was a legitimate insult. To this day I don't understand why I don't hear about any studies of prejudice against Slavic people. It's completely ignored. People here in the US really don't like Russian people or any Slavic people. Half the time I would get comments like "He's pretty good. For a Russian."
But I digress, back to my story. When I entered high school, it was a huge shock. The student body went from like 200 people in my grade to about 1200. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to. ALL of my old friends from group 1 and group 2 ignored me and didn't want to hang out with me. Partly, it was my fault because I shelled up, but I was really scared and didn't know what to do. All through high school was a barren, desolate life. I hated life. Later on I got into trouble and was diagnosed schizoeffective, but I don't want to talk about that right now.
Flash forward to now and I have pretty **** close to 0 friends. I consider my best friend my older brother lets call him Dave. I do have a friend who I would call best friend when he's around, but really I don't like him. He always tries to act superior, never admits when he's wrong or beaten, and I always end up being looked at as a "sidekick" whenever we hang out. (I never want to be anyones sidekick ever again). But, he's all I got to hang out with. Most of the time I just sit at home and play WoW on weekends because I don't like hanging out with this friend we'll call him Lance. My brother has no time because he is a medical student. So basically, here I am. Looking for new friends and advice on life.
I also want to add that my family has this group of Ukrainian family friends who had kids. When we had get-togethers, the kids would all band together and hang out. When we started out as 6 or 7 year olds, me and (Kevin) were considered the leaders, more so Kevin. So we grew up together and generally had fun times. In the group was also a very pretty girl, (Gale). Everyone in the group knew I liked her, and if we were ever found alone in a room by the others, they would always assume that we were flirting. So, there was this general feeling that me and her would be together in the future. At first I didn't like the idea because I wanted to meet new people and such. But later I had slowly fallen for her. We would always sit next to each other at the gatherings and the expectations, I perceive, grew. I have always been shy around girls, so I never made any moves on her. So I waited, and waited. While all this was happening, about the time I entered high school, they began to alienate me. No longer was I a leader, but the reject. I would sit alone at get-togethers and no one would talk to me. I don't know what caused this. Eventually schizoeffective hit, and I was forced to be put on a drastic medication that blew me up by about 50 lbs and made me even more introverted than ever. It was at this point that I noticed Kevin started hanging out with Gale more and more. I kept wishing that they were only just friends and that they were hanging out because they lived closer to each other than I did to them. Eventually, Kevin broke the news to me that he and Gale were dating. I reacted in a very controlled and normal way and didn't show my true feelings. Inside I wanted to punch Kevin in the face. I hated him. I still hate him.
For as long as I can remember, I was lonely. My whole life. There were transient times where I would have a group of friends that I trusted and had good times with, but I haven't had any of that since about the 8th grade. I did always feel different from everyone. There were times when I was younger and I relished being alone because I would play pretend and let my imagination run wild. But as I became older I didn't want to just play in fantasy land anymore. Most of my life so far was spent in a rich republican Italian town. I don't remember coming home too many times not wanting to cry. When I started out, I was too nerdy for everybody because I was smart and got good grades. I started to get worse grades on purpose to fit in. I desperately wanted to be a part of the cool crowd. By 5th grade, I had my little group of friends who weren't the most popular, but we were not doing too bad. In middle school, I started off slow again. I had kept some friends from the first group, but then I intentionally ditched them to join this super cool group of kids who were at the echelon of popularity. The thing was, I was basically their assistant (I guess *****). Everyone knew it, and I tried to deny it, but I was never really considered one of the cool kids. I did have a few girlfriends in middle school, but we hardly even touched hands. Sometimes if I would get in an argument I would have a comment like "Hey you're an idiot!" and all they would have to say is "Go back to Russia!" and all the kids would laugh as if that was a legitimate insult. To this day I don't understand why I don't hear about any studies of prejudice against Slavic people. It's completely ignored. People here in the US really don't like Russian people or any Slavic people. Half the time I would get comments like "He's pretty good. For a Russian."
But I digress, back to my story. When I entered high school, it was a huge shock. The student body went from like 200 people in my grade to about 1200. I didn't know what to do, who to talk to. ALL of my old friends from group 1 and group 2 ignored me and didn't want to hang out with me. Partly, it was my fault because I shelled up, but I was really scared and didn't know what to do. All through high school was a barren, desolate life. I hated life. Later on I got into trouble and was diagnosed schizoeffective, but I don't want to talk about that right now.
Flash forward to now and I have pretty **** close to 0 friends. I consider my best friend my older brother lets call him Dave. I do have a friend who I would call best friend when he's around, but really I don't like him. He always tries to act superior, never admits when he's wrong or beaten, and I always end up being looked at as a "sidekick" whenever we hang out. (I never want to be anyones sidekick ever again). But, he's all I got to hang out with. Most of the time I just sit at home and play WoW on weekends because I don't like hanging out with this friend we'll call him Lance. My brother has no time because he is a medical student. So basically, here I am. Looking for new friends and advice on life.
I also want to add that my family has this group of Ukrainian family friends who had kids. When we had get-togethers, the kids would all band together and hang out. When we started out as 6 or 7 year olds, me and (Kevin) were considered the leaders, more so Kevin. So we grew up together and generally had fun times. In the group was also a very pretty girl, (Gale). Everyone in the group knew I liked her, and if we were ever found alone in a room by the others, they would always assume that we were flirting. So, there was this general feeling that me and her would be together in the future. At first I didn't like the idea because I wanted to meet new people and such. But later I had slowly fallen for her. We would always sit next to each other at the gatherings and the expectations, I perceive, grew. I have always been shy around girls, so I never made any moves on her. So I waited, and waited. While all this was happening, about the time I entered high school, they began to alienate me. No longer was I a leader, but the reject. I would sit alone at get-togethers and no one would talk to me. I don't know what caused this. Eventually schizoeffective hit, and I was forced to be put on a drastic medication that blew me up by about 50 lbs and made me even more introverted than ever. It was at this point that I noticed Kevin started hanging out with Gale more and more. I kept wishing that they were only just friends and that they were hanging out because they lived closer to each other than I did to them. Eventually, Kevin broke the news to me that he and Gale were dating. I reacted in a very controlled and normal way and didn't show my true feelings. Inside I wanted to punch Kevin in the face. I hated him. I still hate him.
