Annie Bodie
Active member
Probably not an unusual story ... I never fit in, not from the time I was a child. I had a very, very dysfunctional childhood and basically had no exposure to any other children until I started kindergarten, by then I had no idea how to interact with children, I was frankly, the weird fat girl that was always reading whose mommy dressed funny.
I never had more than a handful of friends throughout school and when I married my first husband he had "issues" (oh, so many issues). Anyway, he was threatened by any relationship I had, including that with my mother (hell, he was threatened by our son for heaven's sake!) But again, I had no idea how marriages work, how a couple interacts, what's normal. Basically he isolated me and drove the few friends I had managed to cultivate in high school away, or my friends moved away and our lives diverged such that it made keeping in touch impossible (you young'uns don't know how easy things like Facebook, Skype and even email make keeping in touch with people! I remember the days when you had to actually have a phone that was attached to a wall by a wire and the only mail came via USPS!) The only friends I was allowed to associate with were my husband's, a bunch of guys that really only had beer drinking and pot smoking in common, and I didn't drink at the time or smoke pot. I was a young stay at home mom. I didn't have the skills to make it worthwhile to go to work and pay for daycare. The few moms I ran into who were in a similar circumstance either didn't connect with me, or their kid hated my kid (that was a real common one, gee, see a thread?) or in the freakish event that our kids got along AND we connected, my husband managed to drive a wedge into the friendship before it could blossom.
Fast forward a few years and my son was finally old enough to begin school. I got out into the work force full time for the first time and my eyes were slowly opened. I came to realize everything in my life was bizarre and always had been. For the first time I saw people on my own, without anyone else's influence and I realized my husband's relationship with his son, my relationship with him, how my in-laws treated me, it was indescribably weird (my son, who is nearly 30 now, agrees that it's extremely difficult to describe our life with his father). The only friends we had were with my husband's approval only, the only activities were those he desired, the only thing that we spent money on he decreed ... you get the picture. I began to realize what a horrible mistake I had made and what a horrible lie I was living and forcing my son to live and I took steps to fix the problem. I kept trying to improve my work situation with the goal of leaving my husband.
It took me over four years but I eventually divorced my first husband, met and fell in love with my current husband (who is a beautiful, gentle, kind, loving and funny man). Those long days of living walking on eggshells, the first 30 years of my life basically, are over ... but the damage has been done. In the divorce all but one of the friends who had hung with my husband and I sided with my ex-husband, my in-laws dropped me like a bad habit. My high school friends were chased off almost a decade previously. Besides, I was working full time, trying to balance a new marriage, full time job, stepchildren and a teenaged son with huge behavioral problems. For those years my life was too busy to be lonely, I felt productive. And then in the space of a very few years I got laid off, my son graduated and moved out, my mother died, my health started going down slowly. Until a couple of years ago I worked full time from home so my mind was occupied and things like how I dressed or how I physically felt didn't factor. Health problems forced me to stop working until I recovered and now I'm torn because financially we could really use me going back to work and I'm bored and feel useless, but the idea of going out, interviewing, scares me to death. I can't go back to the field I've worked in so I have to do something I've never done, which scares me. I have to buy clothes that aren't jeans and t-shirts and that scares me. And at my age I should be beyond these insecurities. I have a 30 year old son for heaven's sake!
I have exactly two friends, one lives over an hour away and has a hectic schedule and a full time job, the other doesn't work but has her own mental and physical issues. Honestly, I'm okay with the lack of friends because I realize I see friendships kind of like ... well, pets or potted plants or something, if that makes sense. Not the actual people, mind you, but the relationship. I'm good with animals but I have a black thumb when it comes to indoor plants, always have and in the same vein I don't seem to have the inherent knack for the care and feeding of a friendship. I don't know when to call them, how to keep touch or even what to talk about. There is no news for me to share these days. The truth is part of me wants friends and the other doesn't. Part of me wants to be around people, the other doesn't. My current husband has the same problem. We're extremely happy together, we never get tired of each others company, encourage each other to pursue friendships and hobbies but then it's too much like work ... now when he's at work I sort of drift aimlessly. I wanted so badly to get out of the house when the weather was bad, now the weather is clear and warm and I'm sitting in here typing while the t.v. is on. It's easier than putting on outside clothes and just going for a walk, or cleaning house or doing anything.
Some days I'm lonely, some days I'm not. Some days I'm bored, some days I'm not. Some days I wake up and decide that I'm going to spend the next six or so hours sleeping once I get my husband off to work. Many days basic things, like showering, are overwhelming. If the phone or doorbell rings I never answer.
I've had on and off problems with alcohol, not true alcoholism but simply drinking too much out of boredom or depression, because I can't sleep or because I'm physically hurting. Today is one of those days where I would have been drinking hours ago if there was any in the house ... but it's too much like work to put on jeans and sneakers to go buy a bottle so I guess that's a good thing *shrug* I can't drive (another gift from my magical childhood) so I actually have to walk or take public transportation to get anywhere. The thing is, I know I'll feel better if I go for a walk, even a short one, but the problem is getting moving.
I'm not on social media but I enjoy forums. Unfortunately, I don't seem to fit into most of them for some reason, my posts get ignored or ridiculed or demeaned (length of post seems to be a problem; I can't help it if I typed for a living but do people really need to post up TL;DR?). I was hoping that other people who are in some way isolated, by choice (which is what I basically consider myself) or not may be more accepting.
If you've made it through all of this, thanks for listening and allowing me to unburden myself. I guess I'm here really because I'd like to have someone to talk to occasionally, but I don't want the pressure of having a more demanding relationship. It's all I can handle taking care of myself, my husband and cats.
I never had more than a handful of friends throughout school and when I married my first husband he had "issues" (oh, so many issues). Anyway, he was threatened by any relationship I had, including that with my mother (hell, he was threatened by our son for heaven's sake!) But again, I had no idea how marriages work, how a couple interacts, what's normal. Basically he isolated me and drove the few friends I had managed to cultivate in high school away, or my friends moved away and our lives diverged such that it made keeping in touch impossible (you young'uns don't know how easy things like Facebook, Skype and even email make keeping in touch with people! I remember the days when you had to actually have a phone that was attached to a wall by a wire and the only mail came via USPS!) The only friends I was allowed to associate with were my husband's, a bunch of guys that really only had beer drinking and pot smoking in common, and I didn't drink at the time or smoke pot. I was a young stay at home mom. I didn't have the skills to make it worthwhile to go to work and pay for daycare. The few moms I ran into who were in a similar circumstance either didn't connect with me, or their kid hated my kid (that was a real common one, gee, see a thread?) or in the freakish event that our kids got along AND we connected, my husband managed to drive a wedge into the friendship before it could blossom.
Fast forward a few years and my son was finally old enough to begin school. I got out into the work force full time for the first time and my eyes were slowly opened. I came to realize everything in my life was bizarre and always had been. For the first time I saw people on my own, without anyone else's influence and I realized my husband's relationship with his son, my relationship with him, how my in-laws treated me, it was indescribably weird (my son, who is nearly 30 now, agrees that it's extremely difficult to describe our life with his father). The only friends we had were with my husband's approval only, the only activities were those he desired, the only thing that we spent money on he decreed ... you get the picture. I began to realize what a horrible mistake I had made and what a horrible lie I was living and forcing my son to live and I took steps to fix the problem. I kept trying to improve my work situation with the goal of leaving my husband.
It took me over four years but I eventually divorced my first husband, met and fell in love with my current husband (who is a beautiful, gentle, kind, loving and funny man). Those long days of living walking on eggshells, the first 30 years of my life basically, are over ... but the damage has been done. In the divorce all but one of the friends who had hung with my husband and I sided with my ex-husband, my in-laws dropped me like a bad habit. My high school friends were chased off almost a decade previously. Besides, I was working full time, trying to balance a new marriage, full time job, stepchildren and a teenaged son with huge behavioral problems. For those years my life was too busy to be lonely, I felt productive. And then in the space of a very few years I got laid off, my son graduated and moved out, my mother died, my health started going down slowly. Until a couple of years ago I worked full time from home so my mind was occupied and things like how I dressed or how I physically felt didn't factor. Health problems forced me to stop working until I recovered and now I'm torn because financially we could really use me going back to work and I'm bored and feel useless, but the idea of going out, interviewing, scares me to death. I can't go back to the field I've worked in so I have to do something I've never done, which scares me. I have to buy clothes that aren't jeans and t-shirts and that scares me. And at my age I should be beyond these insecurities. I have a 30 year old son for heaven's sake!
I have exactly two friends, one lives over an hour away and has a hectic schedule and a full time job, the other doesn't work but has her own mental and physical issues. Honestly, I'm okay with the lack of friends because I realize I see friendships kind of like ... well, pets or potted plants or something, if that makes sense. Not the actual people, mind you, but the relationship. I'm good with animals but I have a black thumb when it comes to indoor plants, always have and in the same vein I don't seem to have the inherent knack for the care and feeding of a friendship. I don't know when to call them, how to keep touch or even what to talk about. There is no news for me to share these days. The truth is part of me wants friends and the other doesn't. Part of me wants to be around people, the other doesn't. My current husband has the same problem. We're extremely happy together, we never get tired of each others company, encourage each other to pursue friendships and hobbies but then it's too much like work ... now when he's at work I sort of drift aimlessly. I wanted so badly to get out of the house when the weather was bad, now the weather is clear and warm and I'm sitting in here typing while the t.v. is on. It's easier than putting on outside clothes and just going for a walk, or cleaning house or doing anything.
Some days I'm lonely, some days I'm not. Some days I'm bored, some days I'm not. Some days I wake up and decide that I'm going to spend the next six or so hours sleeping once I get my husband off to work. Many days basic things, like showering, are overwhelming. If the phone or doorbell rings I never answer.
I've had on and off problems with alcohol, not true alcoholism but simply drinking too much out of boredom or depression, because I can't sleep or because I'm physically hurting. Today is one of those days where I would have been drinking hours ago if there was any in the house ... but it's too much like work to put on jeans and sneakers to go buy a bottle so I guess that's a good thing *shrug* I can't drive (another gift from my magical childhood) so I actually have to walk or take public transportation to get anywhere. The thing is, I know I'll feel better if I go for a walk, even a short one, but the problem is getting moving.
I'm not on social media but I enjoy forums. Unfortunately, I don't seem to fit into most of them for some reason, my posts get ignored or ridiculed or demeaned (length of post seems to be a problem; I can't help it if I typed for a living but do people really need to post up TL;DR?). I was hoping that other people who are in some way isolated, by choice (which is what I basically consider myself) or not may be more accepting.
If you've made it through all of this, thanks for listening and allowing me to unburden myself. I guess I'm here really because I'd like to have someone to talk to occasionally, but I don't want the pressure of having a more demanding relationship. It's all I can handle taking care of myself, my husband and cats.
