new here

[JFreD]

i'm a 23 year old guy. i used to be happy. About 2 or 3 years ago...i was the happiest i had ever been. After being deployed to iraq, coming home, losing my girlfriend...i've found myself in this pathetic mess of a life.

everyone that had been or is still in my life, has betrayed me at one time or another. within the past 3 years, my parents, siblings, and most of my former friends have seriously betrayed me to a point where i can no longer trust anyone ever again.

I used to be normal, i used to go out and have fun. What i've now become is the result of years and years of depression and unhappiness. The last 8 months have been the hardest months of my entire life. The ONLY reason that i'm still breathing today is because i'd never be able to hurt my family with taking my own life.

Falling aslpeep next to a bottle of vicodin and sleeping pills used to be a hobby of mine...until i ran out of vicodin.

Sure i may smile every now and then...but thats only to convince people that nothing is wrong. I haven't truly smiled and laughed in probably 6 months.

I look to the future and i see nothing. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, i'm a mess. I hate everything about myself.

Sometimes i may seem like a normal happy person, but inside i feel completely empty and numb. I can't laugh..i can't be happy..i can't cry. All i can do is feel this constant mental and emotional numbness.

I used to have high hopes, aspirations, and goals. The only thing i have going for me is that i'm a good person...underneath the layers of depression.

I would give my knee caps to go back to when i was happy in life. To a time when i woke up and the sun was shining. When there were friends and family i could count on. When people wanted to be a part of my life. When i had a girlfriend that could cheer me up. She was the only thing holding me together.

I dont even feel human anymore. It's like i'm just some machine that wakes up, goes to work, comes home, and sits in depression, waiting for the alarm clock to go off once again, starting another lonely, depressing day.

I used to be a normal person. Now, smoking weed is my main hobby. It's the only thing that temporarily eases the pain. Even that doesn't work too well anymore.

I just want to wake up in a totally different place...where i feel normal again...because the emptiness is killing me.

(i'm not even looking for a reply, just airing out how i feel)

 

[adelia]

dear jfred,
you've come to a good place. we're hear to help each other a little bit. we try anyway. welcome to the forum.
did your depression start after you got back from iraq? it sounds like you have post traumatic stress. have you considered treatment? i don't know if you believe in therapy and such, but it's an option. sorry if i sound insensitive. just thought i'd put in my two cents.
i'm here if you ever need someone to vent to, you can always email. i can be a good listener.

 

[mirrors]

Hi there JFreD,

You are so welcome here, by people who understand and know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes that can be comforting to know your not alone with your aloneness. Keep posting and talking, it does help.