P
Pebblette
Guest
Hard to comprehend being lonely when one is married. I mean, I have someone to share my life with, right? Someone to keep me company, but he is the overwhelming reason for my loneliness, but not the primary reason because I have felt lonely most of my life. I’ve read that a lot and not to be condescending, but at 21, that almost seems laughable. Wait until you’re 37, but I felt lonely at 21, too .
Last night, I wrote and rewrote what I was going to say but scrapped it because by 11 o’clock at night, nothing was making any sense and I’m terrified of turning people off, but it was cathartic and today I feel more chipper.
I am familiar with “feeling lonely in a crowd”. Part of my loneliness is due to shyness, a result of feeling insecure due to the childhood trauma of emotional (and physical) abuse. It’s difficult not to wish that you had never been born when your parents beat into your head the phrase, “I wish you were never born.” And even more difficult to feel good about yourself. My father-in-law has effectively taken up where my dad left off by saying that I don’t “exist”. And “I hope to God she never gets pregnant”. He is a Christian.
I can’t say I was “always” lonely. I had managed to overcome the more paralyzing degree of shyness, was “happy and bubbly” (who was that and where is she now?), and always had good days (when people wished me a good day, I’d give them a radiant smile and say, “I ALWAYS have a good day”). But I married my dad and have never been the same since. Due to my first husband’s abusive nature, I developed full-fledged irritable bowel syndrome. In high school, I shook uncontrollably and experienced stomach pain before presentations, but I was not housebound.
When I talk to “normal” people about my feelings, it always backfires. Am I speaking in tongues? Do I talk too much? Do I sound like I’m complaining or I’m self-centered? Maybe I’m overreacting, so why don’t I have any friends? Why do people call me “weird”, but are either unable to or simply refuse to explain what they mean? How can I possibly conquer this feeling I evoke in people if I don’t know what they mean? Statues don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but if they began speaking, they would. So do I say “weird” things? Does my voice sound weird or is it incompatible with my innocent doe-eyed face? The irony is that while these people don’t want to touch me with a ten-foot pole, they don’t make any attempt to conceal their zeal to exploit what they themselves term as my “generosity” and “kindness of heart”. People have always said that I “think of others more than” myself. So what am I doing wrong?
I told my husband about a website that hooks up lonely spouses with other lonely spouses (or singles). He said, “Sounds like you found what you’re looking for.” You can imagine my reply: “I thought I found that when I met you.” For some time, I’ve been seriously contemplating having an affair. He knows this (I felt guilty about doing it behind his back) and literally gave me his blessing. I know he would say I was twisting the whole situation around, but wouldn’t you find his comment a bit disconcerting? Telling him was my way of getting his attention similar to the way those contemplating suicide cry for help with suicide attempts. I don’t want to have an affair with another man; I want to have an affair with my husband! With his family wanting me out of the way, though, I’m afraid a blessing might only turn out to be an intentional curse. Easy way to do what his family so desperately wants because we’re Catholic, although I now consider myself an atheist, as no god could be so hateful.
I know his family got to him; I could sense a subtle change in the way he related to me just a few months after we met, but it wasn’t something you part ways over. I won’t go into the whole emotionally incestuous family-job nightmare, but that gives you an idea of what I was dealing with. None of this would have happened if my husband had nipped it in the bud instead of kowtowing to his dad when they attempted to interfere in our marital affairs. We moved away from the area two years ago, but the damage is done. They succeeded in driving a wedge between us, but take no responsibility for their actions. We were driven to obtain a $400 cease and desist letter against his dad last summer because they continue to harass us. We recently moved out of state again, and hopefully this time, they won’t find us. We changed our email name, have no home phone number and everything is in my name. We were forced to obtain a prepaid phone card in order to have any convenient contact with the outside world (we gave the company a phony name).
My husband has told me, “It’s my way or the highway.” Words straight from the patriarch himself who told my husband at our reception that I had better get that straight. My husband has also stated that he married me “for looks” (appearance’s sake) – to boast a ring and be able to say he has a wife because it’s an elevation of status. No wonder he is so callous toward me when what he really wanted was to be a “married bachelor”. All the perks, no responsibilities. Although we have no children, he gave me a World’s Greatest Mom certificate on Mother’s Day this year because he views me as a mother figure (no wonder he doesn’t want to have sex with me). He was emotionally abandoned by his mother from birth. He told me that she just sat him in front of the TV and left him there - probably why he spends all his time at home glazed-eyed, slack-jawed in front of the TV. Hard to break bad habits, I guess. He finds some kind of sheepish amusement in my desperation and loneliness in the marriage. Overall, his personality is that of a spoiled teenager.
I know my husband once felt something for me. Only he can get it back.
I would welcome any feedback at all. I just need some help here.
Last night, I wrote and rewrote what I was going to say but scrapped it because by 11 o’clock at night, nothing was making any sense and I’m terrified of turning people off, but it was cathartic and today I feel more chipper.
I am familiar with “feeling lonely in a crowd”. Part of my loneliness is due to shyness, a result of feeling insecure due to the childhood trauma of emotional (and physical) abuse. It’s difficult not to wish that you had never been born when your parents beat into your head the phrase, “I wish you were never born.” And even more difficult to feel good about yourself. My father-in-law has effectively taken up where my dad left off by saying that I don’t “exist”. And “I hope to God she never gets pregnant”. He is a Christian.
I can’t say I was “always” lonely. I had managed to overcome the more paralyzing degree of shyness, was “happy and bubbly” (who was that and where is she now?), and always had good days (when people wished me a good day, I’d give them a radiant smile and say, “I ALWAYS have a good day”). But I married my dad and have never been the same since. Due to my first husband’s abusive nature, I developed full-fledged irritable bowel syndrome. In high school, I shook uncontrollably and experienced stomach pain before presentations, but I was not housebound.
When I talk to “normal” people about my feelings, it always backfires. Am I speaking in tongues? Do I talk too much? Do I sound like I’m complaining or I’m self-centered? Maybe I’m overreacting, so why don’t I have any friends? Why do people call me “weird”, but are either unable to or simply refuse to explain what they mean? How can I possibly conquer this feeling I evoke in people if I don’t know what they mean? Statues don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but if they began speaking, they would. So do I say “weird” things? Does my voice sound weird or is it incompatible with my innocent doe-eyed face? The irony is that while these people don’t want to touch me with a ten-foot pole, they don’t make any attempt to conceal their zeal to exploit what they themselves term as my “generosity” and “kindness of heart”. People have always said that I “think of others more than” myself. So what am I doing wrong?
I told my husband about a website that hooks up lonely spouses with other lonely spouses (or singles). He said, “Sounds like you found what you’re looking for.” You can imagine my reply: “I thought I found that when I met you.” For some time, I’ve been seriously contemplating having an affair. He knows this (I felt guilty about doing it behind his back) and literally gave me his blessing. I know he would say I was twisting the whole situation around, but wouldn’t you find his comment a bit disconcerting? Telling him was my way of getting his attention similar to the way those contemplating suicide cry for help with suicide attempts. I don’t want to have an affair with another man; I want to have an affair with my husband! With his family wanting me out of the way, though, I’m afraid a blessing might only turn out to be an intentional curse. Easy way to do what his family so desperately wants because we’re Catholic, although I now consider myself an atheist, as no god could be so hateful.
I know his family got to him; I could sense a subtle change in the way he related to me just a few months after we met, but it wasn’t something you part ways over. I won’t go into the whole emotionally incestuous family-job nightmare, but that gives you an idea of what I was dealing with. None of this would have happened if my husband had nipped it in the bud instead of kowtowing to his dad when they attempted to interfere in our marital affairs. We moved away from the area two years ago, but the damage is done. They succeeded in driving a wedge between us, but take no responsibility for their actions. We were driven to obtain a $400 cease and desist letter against his dad last summer because they continue to harass us. We recently moved out of state again, and hopefully this time, they won’t find us. We changed our email name, have no home phone number and everything is in my name. We were forced to obtain a prepaid phone card in order to have any convenient contact with the outside world (we gave the company a phony name).
My husband has told me, “It’s my way or the highway.” Words straight from the patriarch himself who told my husband at our reception that I had better get that straight. My husband has also stated that he married me “for looks” (appearance’s sake) – to boast a ring and be able to say he has a wife because it’s an elevation of status. No wonder he is so callous toward me when what he really wanted was to be a “married bachelor”. All the perks, no responsibilities. Although we have no children, he gave me a World’s Greatest Mom certificate on Mother’s Day this year because he views me as a mother figure (no wonder he doesn’t want to have sex with me). He was emotionally abandoned by his mother from birth. He told me that she just sat him in front of the TV and left him there - probably why he spends all his time at home glazed-eyed, slack-jawed in front of the TV. Hard to break bad habits, I guess. He finds some kind of sheepish amusement in my desperation and loneliness in the marriage. Overall, his personality is that of a spoiled teenager.
I know my husband once felt something for me. Only he can get it back.
I would welcome any feedback at all. I just need some help here.