nice guy seeking advice from females

[no_resolve]

i am 21, in college and I've been turned down by every girl i've ever liked. For as long as i can remember i've always been told by girls that I'm sweet, funny and easy to talk to. what i don't get is why these same girls always turn me down whenever i ask them out or tell them that i like them. And it's not like i am going up to random girls and asking them out. the girls that turn me down are the ones who have known me long enough to get a chance to know me and what kind of person i am. I am always myself around them, i listen to what they have to say and can hold a steady conversation. But i am not super nice to a girl to the point where they walk over me. i like to challenge a girl. not to the point of fighting with them but things playfully make fun of them and occasionally be somewhat of a jerk. but not to the point of been an a-hole. and they know that. they say they like that's one of the things they like about me.


Just a few days ago i just hung out with a girl I've like for over a month now. and we've been hanging out on a weekly basis for 5-6 hours at a time during that time span. the last time we went out things went almost perfect as we spent 5 hours together. (took her out for ice cream, a long walk, an awesome view of the skyline on NYC and a nice dinner afterward). at the end of the night i told her that i liked her and she turned me down, saying she doesn't like me like that. "you're really sweet and funny and i really spending time with you but...", well you know the rest. she basically tells me the same thing just like all the other girls I've liked. I don't get why they don't wanna be with a guy they actually like spending time with. maybe it's just me. i don't really know what to do. i've always been myself. what bothers me is that these girls know me and still turn me down. i know not every girl will turn you down once in a while, but i didn't think it would be every single one.

i am sometimes shy but never afraid of putting myself out there. i'm 21, never had a GF, never kissed a girl and my confidence takes a big hit with each rejection. I always go after girls who have smarts, substance and personality. each rejection makes me think because i'm actually going after quality girls. I'm actually looking for a meaningful relationship rather than just sex. is there something that I'm doing wrong?

 

[Badjedidude]

Sorry, man, but it sounds like you're these girls's gay friend. I'm not saying you're gay, but these women obviously don't view you in a sexual way at all. So basically you've managed to somehow act in a manner that removes that sexual aspect from your interactions with them...

...and the result is that these women spend time with you because they feel you're "safe" to spend time with, just like they would with a gay male friend. They see no "threat" of sexual attraction from you.

Sorry, but if you want to turn this around then you might have to start aggressively showing your sexual interest in them by flirting, raunchy dialogue, hint-dropping, etc. You need to present yourself as a sexual being to these women or things will remain the same. Women do like men with brains, but they also want their men to BE MEN and think with their penis sometimes (no matter how much they say they don't want this, they DO). Notice the emphasis on SOMETIMES.

Obviously I don't know everything about your situation, but...this is my opinion based on what you've said here.

EDIT: I'm not a female, but I read your post and thought my perceptions here could help, no_resolve.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, in all honesty, it's not you. Really. It's not. It's them. It's just what they want, and you're not what they're looking for either. If someone doesn't like me, I'd rather them just tell me than to beat around the bush. At least none of these girls are playing with you. It's all about preference. You even said yourself what you look for and go after. Perhaps you just aren't what they're looking for. Don't take it so personally, and don't be harsh on yourself about it.

 

[Selina]

Sorry, but if you want to turn this around then you might have to start aggressively showing your sexual interest in them by flirting, raunchy dialogue, hint-dropping, etc. You need to present yourself as a sexual being to these women or things will remain the same. Women do like men with brains, but they also want their men to BE MEN and think with their penis sometimes (no matter how much they say they don't want this, they DO). Notice the emphasis on SOMETIMES.

I am a girl and I have to admit I need to agree on this.

You are just playing it way to safe. You have to "show" them that you are also interested in a sexual way. Do some real flirting. Show them you are smart and nice and sweet but that you also can be more than just that. I am truly convinced that if you can show a girl that, you will find a nice girl wanting to be more than just friends.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Flirting helps. Knowing how to flirt also helps. Some dude who's interested in me just doesn't know how to flirt, and he just comes off as a really corny dude. Doesn't help his case at all.

 

[Luna]

Hard to flirt when one doesn't have the confidence.
BJD is right on the money for this...sometimes, you just have to take a risk instead of playing it safe.

"took her out for ice cream, a long walk, an awesome view of the skyline on NYC and a nice dinner afterward"

There's a ton of women out there and it can be challenge to find one that will appreciate you for what you can offer.
Don't sell yourself short!
That's so romantic - you're a sweetheart...I envy her haha. <.<
You can take me out anytime haha...

 

[Mysis]

Sorry, but if you want to turn this around then you might have to start aggressively showing your sexual interest in them by flirting, raunchy dialogue, hint-dropping, etc. You need to present yourself as a sexual being to these women or things will remain the same. Women do like men with brains, but they also want their men to BE MEN and think with their penis sometimes (no matter how much they say they don't want this, they DO). Notice the emphasis on SOMETIMES.

If you want to win the girl over, squeeze her boob. Women see this as a clear sign of intelligence and sensitivity, as well as good hygiene. Proclaiming "honk" will give the best impression, as women will see this as a sign of fertility and good health.

A slight jiggle or bounce of the boobie will indicate your compassionate side, but also your intentions to father many children, some of which you'll keep.

And what better way to say "thinking of you" than by fondling her while she's sleeping.

With this knowledge, I wish you luck in your endeavors.

 

[nerdygirl]

If you want to win the girl over, squeeze her boob. Women see this as a clear sign of intelligence and sensitivity, as well as good hygiene. Proclaiming "honk" will give the best impression, as women will see this as a sign of fertility and good health.

*dies laughing* Mysis, you get me so hot.


You are sticking yourself into the friend zone by doing things like those weekly five hour hang out sessions. That whole scene you described for the last time you hung out with that girl? That should have happened the first time, but ending about two hours before you got to dinner, and you should have held her hand during the long walk. At the end of the evening, if you're still holding hands, you kiss it. I'm not talking about one of those formal hand kisses you might give a senator's wife, but something intimate (intimate like on her palm or fingertips, not like "I- have- a- weird- hand- fetish"). And then ask her if she'd like to go to dinner the following weekend.

 

[?uest Love]

well im practically in the same position as you. never had a relationship or met a girl that i loved, everyone says im good with communicating with girls, but I always get stuck in the friendzone. but what i did do differently from you i think was that i messed around a bit / experimented. girls come and go, especially since we're both in college / uni. so don't be afraid to fucck shiit up because only when you screw up / experiment, you'll get better and gain confidence. So the next time you meet the right girl you'll have the right tools under your belt.

Flirting helps. Knowing how to flirt also helps. Some dude who's interested in me just doesn't know how to flirt, and he just comes off as a really corny dude. Doesn't help his case at all.

how bout you give us some examples of how good flirting goes. i think im horrible at it lol

 

[coricopat]

"you're really sweet and funny and i really spending time with you but...", well you know the rest.

Actually I don't. What comes after the "but..."?

 

[VanillaCreme]

well im practically in the same position as you. never had a relationship or met a girl that i loved, everyone says im good with communicating with girls, but I always get stuck in the friendzone. but what i did do differently from you i think was that i messed around a bit / experimented. girls come and go, especially since we're both in college / uni. so don't be afraid to fucck shiit up because only when you screw up / experiment, you'll get better and gain confidence. So the next time you meet the right girl you'll have the right tools under your belt.

Flirting helps. Knowing how to flirt also helps. Some dude who's interested in me just doesn't know how to flirt, and he just comes off as a really corny dude. Doesn't help his case at all.

how bout you give us some examples of how good flirting goes. i think im horrible at it lol

Well, to me, being able to joke and take a joke is one of the most sexiest things a guy can do. Humor is a major turn on to me. Joking around can be flirtatious if you mean it to be. Other than that, I don't really know. I don't flirt much myself, for real. I rarely get any flirts my way.

 

[futurecatlady]

no_resolve, I think part of the problem may be that you are making yourself too accessible to them. Girls are just as animalistic as guys when it comes to certain things: they want a challenge, they want to hunt their meat (or at least fight for it). These girls clearly like you as a person and enjoy spending time with you, so the issue isn't that there is no interest on their part; it's that the interest is of the wrong type.

When you meet someone you like, I would suggest releasing little tidbits of your awesomeness initially, just to whet their appetite a little and get them interested. Once you become more prominent in their mind, you can pursue the friendship. If the girl seems like the type to initiate things, let her initiate hang-out sessions every now and then. If she's shy, then it's okay to always initiate as long as you don't do it all the time. Pay her lots of attention for a bit, then occupy yourself with something else for a week or so. I think a lot of guys think they have to be aloof and macho all the time. This isn't true. It is when you are being affectionate that you plant the seeds of interest in their mind. They think, "Wow, there is really a connection!" But in order for those seeds to grow, you need to give the girl some time off to ponder the situation. To wonder why she hasn't heard from you, and if you think of her still. (You don't, because you've kept busy.) (But actually you do, because like come on. But you aren't obsessing.)

Then BOOM, reconnect with gobs of attention. She'll be flooded with relief that you actually do remember her, and this joy will make her like you more. If you want, you can apologize for being busy, but it should be sufficient just to mention it casually. You don't want her thinking that she's your entire world (yet) but you also don't want her to think you don't care.

Rinse, repeat, and watch the love grow. Obviously this isn't a fail-proof plan; it's more of a security check to keep from being deported to the friend zone. Really, the point I'm trying make is not that you should string the object of your affection along, but rather that you really should keep busy enough that she doesn't see you as a sure thing all the time.

If you do manage to win this girl's heart, ditch the plan and shower her with all the love you want. You've earned it, and she has too.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^Soooooo true. It's all about the tease with wimmins.

 

[QuietGuy]

⬆ Wow, those are some pretty detailed instructions, futurecatlady! I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head though.

Much as I would rather not have to go through the whole pursuit thing to end up in a loving relationship, I must admit that on the rare occasions that I've successfully (and almost accidentally) flirted with a girl, it was so exciting! There's an amazing feeling of mystery and danger. The problem is, I can't intentionally begin flirting with a girl when I really want to.

I'm slowly realising that girls really do place me firmly in the "friend zone" so much of the time. There are three girls who I've been relatively friendly with for the last couple of years, and they all give me "just-friends hugs" (JFHs) quite often. In fact, I got two nice hugs today! Now don't get me wrong - a hug from a girl is always wonderful. I'm painfully aware that some/many of you guys here have never had a hug from a girl ever, so I really don't want to sound like I'm being ungrateful! But no matter how wonderful a JFH may be, it's only a JFH.

For me, the barrier between "just friends" and a romantic relationship is the most impenetrable barrier imaginable. A million tons of dynamite wouldn't demolish it.

You are sticking yourself into the friend zone by doing things like those weekly five hour hang out sessions. That whole scene you described for the last time you hung out with that girl? That should have happened the first time, but ending about two hours before you got to dinner, and you should have held her hand during the long walk. At the end of the evening, if you're still holding hands, you kiss it. I'm not talking about one of those formal hand kisses you might give a senator's wife, but something intimate (intimate like on her palm or fingertips, not like "I- have- a- weird- hand- fetish"). And then ask her if she'd like to go to dinner the following weekend.

See, this is where my problem lies. nerdygirl, you give really excellent advice! But I would be less terrified doing a bungee jump off a helicopter over a lake full of piranhas and man-eating sharks than to intimately kiss a girl's hand at the end of an evening as a sign that I'm looking for more than just friendship.

Ah well, back to my bungee jumping...

 

[Badjedidude]

For me, the barrier between "just friends" and a romantic relationship is the most impenetrable barrier imaginable. A million tons of dynamite wouldn't demolish it.

Because you choose to see it that way, yes.

There's nothing outside of yourself that's stopping you. It's your own attitude that blocks you.

Sometimes it IS better to just close your eyes and jump, and hope that bungee cord works.

 

[QuietGuy]

Hmm, you could be right. Maybe I've unconsciously and unintentionally created this barrier for myself, and then proceeded to complain about its existence, as though it was externally imposed on me.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^Sounds like it.

I know it's hard to get past stuff like that, but really...

If you see yourself as never being able to connect with or talk to women, then you never will. If you can get to a place where you naturally assume that you'll be fine either way (rejected or not), then you'll be sitting quite well indeed.

 

[nerdygirl]

See, this is where my problem lies. nerdygirl, you give really excellent advice! But I would be less terrified doing a bungee jump off a helicopter over a lake full of piranhas and man-eating sharks than to intimately kiss a girl's hand at the end of an evening as a sign that I'm looking for more than just friendship.

Ah well, back to my bungee jumping...

If the bungee jump goes badly, you lose your life. If you give a girl a kiss on the hand and she isn't interested, what will you lose? Another girl to add to the list of "like a sister" type people? Is that really a valid concern?

 

[Szka]

chasing girls should be fun just keep doing it and you will end up with one to your liking after all you only need one to marry ... but meh ... lulz gogogo--

 

[MrPUA]

Sorry, but if you want to turn this around then you might have to start aggressively showing your sexual interest in them by flirting, raunchy dialogue, hint-dropping, etc. You need to present yourself as a sexual being to these women or things will remain the same. Women do like men with brains, but they also want their men to BE MEN and think with their penis sometimes (no matter how much they say they don't want this, they DO). Notice the emphasis on SOMETIMES.

no_resolve, this is the BEST piece of advice in this whole entire thread. NEXT time you get aquinted with a girl, set a goal for yourself to tell her that she's sexy. Personally, after I make the girl laugh or some honeysuckle, I'll say, "Haha, you're really ******* sexy" in a cocky comical way, and honestly, to transistion the vibe from "we just met" to something more feels natural. You STATE your intent, don't ASSUME she will know it. Just to add to what badjedidude said, women WANT to feel like women, even if they try to assert otherwise. So, let her feel like one! Be a MAN.

One more thing, I would step away from trying to get with this girl at the moment, BUT THE NEXT GIRL you end up getting acquinted with, tell her she's sexy, joke with her, DON'T BE AFRAID to physically flirt with her, play childish games with her, make her laugh like a kid again, she'll become attracted to you. I GAURENTEE THIS 100 PERCENT. You're the most valuable person in your life, act like it sir and you will see results!

Also, SHOULD ONE REJECTION dicate the rest of your life? fresia that honeysuckle. Don't linger on it, THIS IS YOUR REALITY, why should she get the best of it? She didn't do anything wrong mind you, but don't feel like you're worthless because one girl out of three billion said no to you.