No luck with GF, dating, getting dumped/rejected continuously

[TheLonelyNomad]

I wanted to start this thread because I will be honest, life has been crappy for me.

I was in school finishing up my second degree for my second career, for the last six years. During school, I did find some female classmates to be pretty, but didn't bother with them as they already had a BF, or were already married with kids.

Recently, I finished my schooling and graduated. Now, I am working and waiting for the next opportunity to advance in my career.

Due to finishing school, I have decided to go back into the dating scene. My mother's friend has paired me up with two girls from church. One of them I didn't like because culturally, she's different from me. The second girl whom my mother's friend hooked me up with actually went to Bible study with me twenty years ago. She's not that bad looking, but two years older than me. I would not mind keeping a strong relationship with her. It's just that she called me a month ago, and told me in a quivering/shaky/nervous voice that she didn't want to continue our relationship. I was really pissed.

I also signed up with a match-making agency recently that cost a ton of money. I am hoping for some success, but after reading some of Yelp comments (many being negative), I don't expect to get into a strong romantic relationship with the girls they introduce me to.

I was also dating this girl whom one of my former co-workers matched me up with. We only went out on two dates, when she sent me a text message stating that our goals our different. She went on to say that we can still be friends, but that she does not want to keep a romantic relationship with me. So basically, I was "friend zoned" by this chick.

I am getting so frustrated and pent up with anger after being rejected repeatedly.

How come my sister can get married, give birth to her son (last year), and live a happy life?

How come all of my relatives are married and have kids?

Why only me?! I feel like God has cursed me to be single for the rest of my life.

I also don't even bother going to baby showers, wedding parties, wedding ceremonies, anymore, as I feel that my friends are "rubbing it into my face," by sending me these invitations.

The last wedding ceremony I went to was that of my frenemy. He's now an anesthesiologist in the Seattle area, doesn't even bother to contact me anymore, he's now married, and is boasting of buying an "expensive mansion" on Mercer Island.

I think these are the factors that make me dateless and be an angry/irate/bitter person for the rest of my life (like elliot):

1) I still live with my parents
2) I have just started my job, and need more promotions to get where I need to be to make a comfortable living / decent income (hence I still with my folks)
3) My racial background (yes, don't deny this!)
4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

 

[LonesomeLoner]

Sorry to hear you are not having the best of luck yet.

I'm no expert on dating etc, but I will say if it's what you want, then Don't Give Up, one day things will turn around for you.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I think these are the factors that make me dateless and be an angry/irate/bitter person for the rest of my life (like elliot):

1) I still live with my parents
2) I have just started my job, and need more promotions to get where I need to be to make a comfortable living / decent income (hence I still with my folks)
3) My racial background (yes, don't deny this!)
4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

I know what you mean. I've been dateless my whole life too, and encountered a lot of resistance on the rare times I meet someone I actually do like.

To start with, I don't think it's your racial background though. So don't fuss over that. Living with your parents though, and just starting out at work, not yet making enough money, those are probably much bigger issues. I still live at home myself and am not working now, and I think those have definitely been a factor in why getting a girl's interest to last has been a challenge for me. Also, for me, I tended to be negative, un-confident, and boring. So those are also factors. I should have been more confident, optimistic, and have more conversation topics and more going on in my life.

The social anxiety thing could be a problem too, I don't know. I guess I'd say just lighten up, smile and joke more.

I don't know what else to say, other than I empathize with you. But just know that this is a rut that people get out of all the time. You can do it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think these are the factors that make me dateless and be an angry/irate/bitter person for the rest of my life (like elliot):

1) I still live with my parents
2) I have just started my job, and need more promotions to get where I need to be to make a comfortable living / decent income (hence I still with my folks)
3) My racial background (yes, don't deny this!)
4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

Why is your racial background a factor? At least you have a job. That's good. Someone living with their parent isn't bad in my eyes, as long as they're helping out in some way.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I think these are the factors that make me dateless and be an angry/irate/bitter person for the rest of my life (like elliot):

1) I still live with my parents
2) I have just started my job, and need more promotions to get where I need to be to make a comfortable living / decent income (hence I still with my folks)
3) My racial background (yes, don't deny this!)
4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

Why is your racial background a factor? At least you have a job. That's good. Someone living with their parent isn't bad in my eyes, as long as they're helping out in some way.

living with parents is just a cliché excuse

 

[Wanderer145]

Man I live in a shared house, paying rent with an ok job, go out and socialise and I haven't been on a date in a long time. It's only a small part of solving the problem. At the very least you've had some dates here and there, that's a good step in the right direction.

Just don't look at what other people are doing. I've learnt it does you no favours comparing yourself to others. It can be so frustrating seeing people meet other people, get engaged, buying a house when it seems like things are going nowhere. It's their lives though and its not all sunshine and roses, so dont think things like that are black and white because they're really not man.

I was thinking to myself that if I'm alone now and its affected me a lot during my life it will be that way for a lot of it. So just live man, don't give up that's the last thing you want to do. Expanding your social circle is one way to go about getting somewhere with it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

living with parents is just a cliché excuse

Excuse for what?

 

[TheSkaFish]

Just don't look at what other people are doing. I've learnt it does you no favours comparing yourself to others.

I don't know about that. I'd say do look at what others are doing, so you can see what works. They are doing something differently and getting the desired results, so I'd say it is very helpful to see what they are doing and see what you are doing and maybe it can help you figure out where you are lacking.

I think, when I analyze myself, that what holds me back with dating is a combination of things I am doing wrong that I should stop doing, and things I should be doing right that I'm not yet doing, or not doing enough of.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Just don't look at what other people are doing. I've learnt it does you no favours comparing yourself to others.

I don't know about that. I'd say do look at what others are doing, so you can see what works. They are doing something differently and getting the desired results, so I'd say it is very helpful to see what they are doing and see what you are doing and maybe it can help you figure out where you are lacking.

I think, when I analyze myself, that what holds me back with dating is a combination of things I am doing wrong that I should stop doing, and things I should be doing right that I'm not yet doing, or not doing enough of.

What works for one person, doesn't work for someone else. Why not make your own trails instead of following the tracks from other people?

 

[TheSkaFish]

What works for one person, doesn't work for someone else. Why not make your own trails instead of following the tracks from other people?

Maybe it does though. If nothing seems to be working for you trying it your way, you might want to at least try someone else's way and see if it doesn't work any better.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Why the way of someone else though? Why not just another way you've figured out?


Do you see where I'm going with this... When you stop trying to be everyone else, people will stop expecting you to be someone you're not.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Why the way of someone else though? Why not just another way you've figured out?


Do you see where I'm going with this... When you stop trying to be everyone else, people will stop expecting you to be someone you're not.

I think I see. I think we're saying the same thing. I mean, I'm not saying to copy someone's likes, interests, mannerisms, etc. just to fit in. I'm saying more like, maybe it would be helpful to take a general leaf out of someone else's book. Like if they are just more upbeat, you could try being more upbeat. Something like that.

 

[LonelySutton]

1) I still live with my parents
2) I have just started my job, and need more promotions to get where I need to be to make a comfortable living / decent income (hence I still with my folks)
3) My racial background (yes, don't deny this!)
4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

1) and 2) well for me, it would not make a difference. And actually my brother lived with his parents (and on the couch) when he was dating his current wife. He would sleep over her apartment on the weekends. She was an amazing catch and he isn't... so it is possible. He was unemployed.

3) possibly. I admit it. My family is a bunch of closeted racists and I have let many men go that I liked because I knew my family would take a his fit and it wasn't worth the trouble for him or me.

4) well, possibly, but I know plenty of people with social anxiety and worse that are married.

I kind of have given up. It is just that I feel like sometimes it can just be too late in life to find that perfect person and sometimes I feel like certain people might just not be cut out for the married life. Maybe we are ugly (though I don't think that is the case-- I see many horribly ugly married people) maybe we say with every fiber of our being that we don't really want it even if we think we do. Maybe we pursue the wrong type of people Maybe we don't pursue enough people. Maybe it is just dumb luck.

I do agree that you just have to live your life because there is just no guarantee that married is right for you. And you could pursue it for many years and not get anything.

 

[stork_error]

1) I still live with my parents
2) I have just started my job, and need more promotions to get where I need to be to make a comfortable living / decent income (hence I still with my folks)
3) My racial background (yes, don't deny this!)
4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

People who can live with their family and work are so lucky. If I could do that and save my money, I'd have all the things I need in no time. Just the cost in rent over 5 years is enough to make me cry.

If I found a guy living at home, it wouldn't concern me like it might have 10 years ago. The economy is screwed up now, all over the world, and i now think its a wize choice to live at home for as long as you can.

The downside to a guy living at home is that he may have mommy dependancy issues, but the upside is that he has a family who is supportive, and he is saving money. In todays financially unsure society, financial security and back up support are a positive thing. Choose your battles.

I don't care if he just started his job. It's work ethic I care about, not how much he is making.

As far as racial background, I do have cultural and racial preferences, but these are based on the music I like, dance, values about family, food I like, ways of thinking about life, the language, interest in the cultural history and obviously some degree of personal taste in physical attributes. Most people have a look they are most attracted to and I think this is fair. However when all is said and done, I would still marry whoever I want if to marry, love is not based on physical appearance.

Social anxiety, I don't know. If its just about conversational interaction issues I probably wouldn't care. I might however feel frustrated if my partner is not outgoing and leaves me alone to try new things. I'd like an outgoing partner I can have fun with.

 

[ardour]

4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

That would be a problem. You should probably work on that if you can.

Realize that, as far as being involuntarily single, you're part of a growing minority of men. There are some estimates that between 10-20% of us will never have any relationship experience

 

[Solivagant]

Women can't tolerate any awkwardness or weird idiosyncrasies in men, it pings their creep radar.

That's not true. As a weird and awkward person, I understand, connect with, and feel more comfortable around other weird and awkward people. I also trust awkwardness more than suaveness, because it seems more genuine and less likely to involve pretense or manipulation (even though that's not necessarily the case).

 

[kamya]

I'm in a similar boat with not having much luck.

I don't know about the 4 "reasons" that you came up with though. The only one I'm similar with you on is I'm not 100% comfortable financially.

I think it's just part of the male experience. I'm guessing that being more attractive wouldn't hurt in my case at least. Who knows.

 

[African_weasel]

4) I have some social anxiety when in a room with people

That would be a problem. You should probably work on that if you can.

Realize that, as far as being involuntarily single, you're part of a growing minority of men. There are some estimates that between 10-20% of us will never have any relationship experience

Really?!? That is so scary dude not being able to change something no matter how hard you try. Can you post some links to that?

 

[ardour]

Really?!? That is so scary dude not being able to change something no matter how hard you try. Can you post some links to that?

http://www.newscientist.com/blogs/shortsharpscience/2009/06/who-is-the-40-year-old-virgin.html?fark


"13.9 percent of men, and 8.9 percent of women between the age of 25 and 45 have never had sex."

Indirect evidence in that never having had intercourse doesn't necessarily mean no girlfriends. I'll put up more when I have time. A sizeable portion of men will never experience any romantic affection. By posting something like this I risk sounding like that Elliot Rogers sack of shite.

 

[Batman55]

To me it sounds like 13.9% of men need to learn how to adopt a positive attitude and stick to it through thick and thin. That would fix the problem then and there (that is, if they are involuntarily single and celibate.)

I'm well aware of this "blame the victim" stuff and I'm really not trying to say that--consider this as more of a generality. I'm not saying doing "x" will fix "y", but feeling good about yourself is the most important thing, and the only way to start.