lolagemma said:
I understand what your saying, but seriously, I've done so well in the past 2 years, I don't want to sound like omg poor me, because that's not what I'm doing. I had a really bad experience with an ex who really did crush me, I have been on medication since to try and stop me hurting myself, which is pretty pathetic to even think about, I have fought and fought my depression to a stage where I had actually started feeling good about myself and this guy comes along, and within about 3 weeks of speaking, that's it, I can't even describe the amount of love I have for him, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. I adore him with every single piece of me, he's actually my world, I spend every day just thinking about him, and I even dream about him. I know I sound like a complete psycho, but it's how I felt. stupid stuff that made me feel like a child, I smiled horendously when I saw him calling me, or a message from him, the butterflies in my stomach were to the extent where sometimes I actually felt sick. I've never, ever felt like that about someone before, ever, and I have been in love. and for it to fall through, is just beyond devastating. it's not your normal, oh wow I fancy him, and I get rejected, that I would much, much rather take. It just annoys me that I'm either at one extreme or the other, I'm never just happy, or just okay. It's always completely and utterly delighted, or that depressed to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to be normal, I don't want my emotions to play these messed up games with me. I just want to be okay, and if being lonely, or just forgetting the idea of love is what can give me that, I'm more than happy to have that. :/
totally sad I know. :l
The thing is though, Gemma, that you are kidding yourself if you think you can simply "forget" love. Trust me on this one.
The one and only girl that has shown me real attention so far was really kind of messed up priority-wise, she really screwed with my feelings. I spent about half a year just feeling like utter, utter crap.
The result was me resolving that "I'm never going to go through this bull again, even if I find 'love' at the end of it."
Now, half a year later, I've already been looking again. It's just how it works. As intellectually satisfactory as it may be to say "Yes, I'm not going to go for love again", the biological drive of the human body to do so is extremely powerful and it will drag you back regardless if the pure loneliness does not.
Try to set yourself comfortable, simple goals for when you are single. That might help.
You don't sound like a "psycho" or "sad" or anything like that. You simply sound confused and upset, which is perfectly natural.
Also, I don't mean this offensively, but I think you seriously need to step back and take stock of what your idea of 'love' is. I don't think I've ever felt it and I don't think most unmarried, un-permanently-committed people have.
What I
have felt is compulsive obssession towards someone based simply on what I observe of them, backed up by what my mind starts constructing based on them.
This is not healthy, since that very "real" image can easily be shattered when the person does not live up to it. Then suddenly you'll feel held to ransom by emotion, as you described. It develops into a spiral of feelings until the bad is a lot more intense than anything good.
At least, that's how it felt for me, and it sounds like you're going through the same kind of thing.
Right now, I've even told myself in another thread "I will try to last 6 months without looking for a girlfriend". I'm not sure I will manage it, frankly. Just like you, I either feel really happy that someone's giving me attention (even if it's ridiculously minor), or really depressed that people seemingly aren't.
Ultimately, when it boils down to it, you need to logically look at what has happened. As I said earlier, it's just the beginning for you. You're still getting used to your emotions and what you expect from relationships, the concept of love for you is not yet fully established, regardless of what your feelings may have told you in the past.
When you
love someone, you won't feel honeysuckle like this, even at the worst moments in time. It'll be there through the highs and lows, a constant feeling that things are always resolvable because there's always a support there. That's how I see it, anyway.
I think in this modern age, it is very easy to get information on someone, start building them into a titanic image of perfection without realising and then start feeling very, very intense emotions for something which isn't always accurate, so when it collapses it hurts.
Don't be so hard on yourself and try to look at the picture as a whole. Many of the things you're upset about are perfectly resolvable, honestly
