Non-compatibility

[murmi97]

Has anyone here ever actually had the guts to tell someone they're getting to know online that they're not clicking? Whether friends or romantically? It's been more than a month and we're still just reaching for ways to really connect. Advice very welcome.

 

[Nicolelt]

If you don't connect, you don't connect. I applaud you for giving it a month, I don't have the patience for it. Now as for guts, no, never had them in this situation. I'm one of those people that hates to hurt someone's feelings.

I do believe that, if people have the right to reject you, you have the right to reject people. I just don't practice what I preach :/

 

[murmi97]

Me too. I think there's even some people on this very website that I just stopped responding to.. which I'm very sorry for, by the way.

 

[JennaBond]

I'm just throwing this out there but, why do you feel it would be a negative thing? It doesn't really require guts, it's just about being honest. Communication is important and you can be honest, even direct with someone without it being condescending or mean.
I appreciate that candor from people, because let's face it, you're not sparing anyone's feelings by continuing in a direction that you can see is a dead end.
Be honest, yet tactful.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm just throwing this out there but, why do you feel it would be a negative thing? It doesn't really require guts, it's just about being honest. Communication is important and you can be honest, even direct with someone without it being condescending or mean.
I appreciate that candor from people, because let's face it, you're not sparing anyone's feelings by continuing in a direction that you can see is a dead end.
Be honest, yet tactful.

I agree with this.
You aren't doing yourself or the other person any favors by dragging it out.

 

[mickey]

The success of humanity is based on hiding things and operating from concealment. That's because the screwed-up and evil laws of nature make it so that someone who hides things and operates from concealment has a higher chance of success than someone who lays their cards on the table. Since people care only about winning, they'll do what it takes to win, and that often means hiding what they're really thinking. It has nothing to do with "not wanting to hurt people's feelings" and everything to do with being efficacy-focused and true to the rotten nature of our subspecies.

tl;dr chances are that the person you're talking to feels exactly the same way you do, and you're both just dancing around each other from fear that you will be unsuccessful if you're open about how you both feel. But, tell me, what happens if one of you says, "We're not connecting" and the other person quietly says "Yeah, I know". Are you going to drop all contact with each other, or start having a more realistic expectation of being casual acquaintances rather than close friends or romantic partners? The second of those wouldn't be such a terrible thing to have happen, would it?

 

[murmi97]

It has nothing to do with "not wanting to hurt people's feelings" and everything to do with being efficacy-focused and true to the rotten nature of our subspecies.

In this case, that's totally not true. I absolutely care about her feelings. The terrible thing to have happen is for her to think any part of her is wrong, because we possibly aren't built compatibly.

 

[JennaBond]

[/quote]

In this case, that's totally not true. I absolutely care about her feelings. The terrible thing to have happen is for her to think any part of her is wrong, because we possibly aren't built compatibly.
[/quote]

Listen, human though we all are, men and women are two totally different species, and each has their own thought process. Of course she will think it's her, it's something she's said or done... that's what women do, it's how we think. So just reassure her that it's not any fault or flaw on her part, you just aren't feeling that click between you. She may not accept that at first however she will eventually come to realism that it's the truth. Hopefully. Depends on her maturity level.

 

[McDamned]

The longer you will let it drag on the more hurt it will cause her in the end.

 

[murmi97]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I have told her.

 

[Sometimes]

How did she respond? Did she take it well?

 

[murmi97]

It was just a friend thing, but I couldn't tell you how she took it. She responded very succinctly and then blocked me(not that I blame her - I've never been outright rejected so I can't tell you I wouldn't respond the exact same way).

 

[RodMark]

You did the right thing. It's hurtful to her but the sooner she knows the less it will hurt to find out. I've been in her position a lot since I have a lot of difficulty connecting with people friend-wise or otherwise and it's a bitter feeling. But it is what it is, unfortunately. Just gotta cherish it when you do find people you connect with.

 

[mickey]

If you want to stay in contact with someone who throws a tantrum every single time you're open with them about something negative, then you've lost something by her blocking you. Otherwise, you've actually gained something: the avoidance of potential future tempests in a teapot.