Not fit for a serious relationship

[Skid Row 89]

I see a lot of people in serious relationships who are my age (19) and always inwardly question whether a girl could settle for me. I would consider myself more immature and less confident than most guys my age. I'm putting myself down here and will be accused of self pity but I always get the feeling a girl would feel secretly ashamed to be with me for reasons such as this. It doesn't help that I'm very shy either. I don't worry about it too much but it could be a genuine problem for me in the future.
So, my questions are the following:
Do you think I need to change many of these traits that I've more or less accepted as inalterable?
Do you know of anyone who sounded similar in character to me but changed for the better and managed to maintain a proper relationship?
Cheers in advance

 

[Shipster0958]

Firstly, like I always say, you have to be happy and a companion to yourself before you can every be happy and a companion for someone else.

But...you're only 19. Really, I'm a completely different person than I was at 19. You don't even really need to be worrying about a "serious" relationship at the moment. Work on you, your education, career, and then we you get something going, you have some value that you'll hold within yourself, therefore raising your feeling of self worth, reflecting that on the outside.

Someone will come along and will fit your style perfectly. I wouldn't worry about that either. Just start setting positive goals for yourself, and in my experience, positive things start to follow.

 

[Coeur]

If you're immature, then focus on growing up and learning more about the world and yourself. No need to seek a new self if you have a perfectly fine future one.

 

[LittlegirlLost]

I am 32, and am completely different than I was when I was 19. When I look back, I wish I hadn't gotten into some of the more serious relationships I was in so young. However, they are what shape and change you in the end. I know its hard, because you think you should have that, but to this day I always said if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't have been in those relationships I was in. (However, as I said, sometimes you need those experiences to become the person you want to be).
Get your life in gear, do what you want to do, and don't worry about it. You also don't want to get involved in something just because you want a serious relationship, it always backfires in the end. Concentrate on yourself.

 

[Skid Row 89]

Firstly, like I always say, you have to be happy and a companion to yourself before you can every be happy and a companion for someone else.

But...you're only 19. Really, I'm a completely different person than I was at 19. You don't even really need to be worrying about a "serious" relationship at the moment. Work on you, your education, career, and then we you get something going, you have some value that you'll hold within yourself, therefore raising your feeling of self worth, reflecting that on the outside.

Someone will come along and will fit your style perfectly. I wouldn't worry about that either. Just start setting positive goals for yourself, and in my experience, positive things start to follow.

Yeah, I'd say I have to work on myself first, mostly my self confidence. Lack of ambition tends to hold me back too unfortunately. Thanks for the advice! The other responses have been great too.

 

[Skid Row 89]

If you're immature, then focus on growing up and learning more about the world and yourself. No need to seek a new self if you have a perfectly fine future one.

My thoughts tend to be self destructive so that's definitely an aspect of myself I'll have to change. Unfortunately this is difficult to change.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Really, I'm a completely different person than I was at 19.

Yeah. I'm 24.. and I was a completely different person at 19.. sheesh.

 

[Skid Row 89]

Really, I'm a completely different person than I was at 19.

Yeah. I'm 24.. and I was a completely different person at 19.. sheesh.

5 years isn't really that long when you think about it. Sorry to nitpick but how would you say you're different?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

19 is young. Just go out and have fun, don't worry about things.

 

[Skid Row 89]

19 is young. Just go out and have fun, don't worry about things.

I try to but I'm a worrier at heart. I was more concerned about possible issues with this in the future but I'm not too worried about it at the moment. Cheers for the advice

 

[ladyforsaken]

Really, I'm a completely different person than I was at 19.

Yeah. I'm 24.. and I was a completely different person at 19.. sheesh.

5 years isn't really that long when you think about it. Sorry to nitpick but how would you say you're different?

I used to be a lot more timid than I am now. I didn't have the balls to be honest about my own feelings then, but I do now. I used to be in that "follow blindly" mindset, but I've learned to grow out of it over the years and question question question. I've learned to accept the way my life is rather than keep expecting it to be better. Basically a change in mindset.. and I used to be really negative, but I'm mostly the opposite now.

 

[Skid Row 89]

Really, I'm a completely different person than I was at 19.

Yeah. I'm 24.. and I was a completely different person at 19.. sheesh.

5 years isn't really that long when you think about it. Sorry to nitpick but how would you say you're different?

I used to be a lot more timid than I am now. I didn't have the balls to be honest about my own feelings then, but I do now. I used to be in that "follow blindly" mindset, but I've learned to grow out of it over the years and question question question. I've learned to accept the way my life is rather than keep expecting it to be better. Basically a change in mindset.. and I used to be really negative, but I'm mostly the opposite now.

I'd consider myself very timid for a man. I just keep all my negative thoughts to myself to the point where I'm so repressed that I get physical symptoms like migraines because of it. For some reason I constantly aspire to have a complete personality overhaul when I know this can't happen. All my goals are beyond my capacity or beyond what I perceive myself to be capable of so it starts off a vicious cycle of self hatred and disappointment over and over again. I really need to learn to accept myself as I am but it's a long way away for me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'd consider myself very timid for a man. I just keep all my negative thoughts to myself to the point where I'm so repressed that I get physical symptoms like migraines because of it. For some reason I constantly aspire to have a complete personality overhaul when I know this can't happen. All my goals are beyond my capacity or beyond what I perceive myself to be capable of so it starts off a vicious cycle of self hatred and disappointment over and over again. I really need to learn to accept myself as I am but it's a long way away for me.

Oh I know, the migraines. I'm not sure if mine would be classified as that but I get these headaches at times.. I think they're really just stress/tension headaches.

Well I personally think one can't exactly have a total personality overhaul. But you can change some of the things you don't like about yourself to suit what you feel is right. If the will and the want is there, and you work for it hard, you'll eventually get there.

Good luck, skid. You definitely can do it.

 

[Skid Row 89]

I'd consider myself very timid for a man. I just keep all my negative thoughts to myself to the point where I'm so repressed that I get physical symptoms like migraines because of it. For some reason I constantly aspire to have a complete personality overhaul when I know this can't happen. All my goals are beyond my capacity or beyond what I perceive myself to be capable of so it starts off a vicious cycle of self hatred and disappointment over and over again. I really need to learn to accept myself as I am but it's a long way away for me.

Oh I know, the migraines. I'm not sure if mine would be classified as that but I get these headaches at times.. I think they're really just stress/tension headaches.

Well I personally think one can't exactly have a total personality overhaul. But you can change some of the things you don't like about yourself to suit what you feel is right. If the will and the want is there, and you work for it hard, you'll eventually get there.

Good luck, skid. You definitely can do it.

Thanks, ladyforsaken. It's just a matter of becoming more confident and actually loving who I am for me. It seems to come easily for other people but for some reason it's not for me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thanks, ladyforsaken. It's just a matter of becoming more confident and actually loving who I am for me. It seems to come easily for other people but for some reason it's not for me.

Well, believe me, there are quite a number of people on this forum who can relate to you and don't have it come so easily either. Don't pressure yourself or compare to others. Everyone deals differently and well we all have different fate/luck. So just look at yours independently, and take one step at a time. Comparing to others will only make you feel worse.

 

[Skid Row 89]

Thanks, ladyforsaken. It's just a matter of becoming more confident and actually loving who I am for me. It seems to come easily for other people but for some reason it's not for me.

Well, believe me, there are quite a number of people on this forum who can relate to you and don't have it come so easily either. Don't pressure yourself or compare to others. Everyone deals differently and well we all have different fate/luck. So just look at yours independently, and take one step at a time. Comparing to others will only make you feel worse.

I've probably already made these kinds of posts at some point and I'm sorry for that but the problem persists. I've always compared myself to others, it really is self destructive.