ohcalidatex
Member
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2011
- Messages
- 8
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Hi, got on here out of curiosity. I am 51 and almost divorced for the second time. My first marriage lasted 19 years and produced 3 wonderful children but was a horribly dysfunctional marriage due to issues my ex-wife had. Two years after we divorced I met a woman in another state and thought I had finally found a good relationship that I could grow into but I fooled myself and she fooled me. That one lasted 10 months.
I'm not trying to blame these failures 100% of my ex's but I truly did run into a couple of troubled women. I think part of the problem is that my natural shyness and hatred of conflict caused me to fall in which controlling women who I thought were going to make me happy but instead turned out to have servere issues.
I was shy by nature but then grew up with an alcoholic mother for 14 years (ages 3-17) and a very dysfunctional home life. So I never got to see a good marriage modeled or even a good home life. Then I married at nearly 30 after rarely dating and my wife turns out to have many issues from sexual to anger to legalistic thinking. She hated holidays and was deathly serious. I got along great with the kids up until our divorce at which time she brainwashed them into thinking I was a horrible sinner and that they should avoid me.
I have realized though that due to my life experiences I want peace more than anything and I find relationships stressful. I only like social contact in small doses. In those small doses people really like me including women but what they don't realize is that I don't enjoy people contact enough to make a relationship work. I crave time alone and enjoy doing most things alone. I wasn't always this way but it's who I have become. I have been through counseling many times but in the end they all tell me that I am fine and just need to accept and embrace who I am and quit thinking there is something wrong with me. I have come to that point now.
Sure I wish I could have someone special at times and I certainly wish I had some affection and intimacy but I've learned to live without those things (both wives had issues with sex so sex was rare for me). At this point I feel an obligation to keep women from taking a liking to me as I know in the end a relationship will never work out. As soon as it gets to be more than occasional I start to feel claustrophobic. I keep meeting wonderful women who love me to death and I have to carefully steer them away so as to not hurt them down the road.
I don't view myself as lonely. Maybe once in a blue moon but in my case I had so many years as a "married single" that I have learned to be a loner. I have friends but they are all married and have limited free time so I enjoy them when they are available but the rest of the time I am on my own. Most weekends I have no real contact with other people. Even at church I keep to myself. I don't care much for group activities so joining singles organizations or joining anything strictly for the sake of meeting people is not for me.
So for now I am living the single, celibate life and prepared to live my life out that way but should something change in me then I would be fine with that. I just don't have a burning desire to change so if it happens it won't be because I pursued it.
I think being married and divorced twice keep people from wondering what my problem is for being single. The only thing that surprises some is that I don't ever sleep with anyone. Aside from shyness I also have moral problems with that and so I do my best to deal with my sexuality without sleeping around.
I'm not sure what I will find on this forum but at least I'm around folks who might understand me!
I'm not trying to blame these failures 100% of my ex's but I truly did run into a couple of troubled women. I think part of the problem is that my natural shyness and hatred of conflict caused me to fall in which controlling women who I thought were going to make me happy but instead turned out to have servere issues.
I was shy by nature but then grew up with an alcoholic mother for 14 years (ages 3-17) and a very dysfunctional home life. So I never got to see a good marriage modeled or even a good home life. Then I married at nearly 30 after rarely dating and my wife turns out to have many issues from sexual to anger to legalistic thinking. She hated holidays and was deathly serious. I got along great with the kids up until our divorce at which time she brainwashed them into thinking I was a horrible sinner and that they should avoid me.
I have realized though that due to my life experiences I want peace more than anything and I find relationships stressful. I only like social contact in small doses. In those small doses people really like me including women but what they don't realize is that I don't enjoy people contact enough to make a relationship work. I crave time alone and enjoy doing most things alone. I wasn't always this way but it's who I have become. I have been through counseling many times but in the end they all tell me that I am fine and just need to accept and embrace who I am and quit thinking there is something wrong with me. I have come to that point now.
Sure I wish I could have someone special at times and I certainly wish I had some affection and intimacy but I've learned to live without those things (both wives had issues with sex so sex was rare for me). At this point I feel an obligation to keep women from taking a liking to me as I know in the end a relationship will never work out. As soon as it gets to be more than occasional I start to feel claustrophobic. I keep meeting wonderful women who love me to death and I have to carefully steer them away so as to not hurt them down the road.
I don't view myself as lonely. Maybe once in a blue moon but in my case I had so many years as a "married single" that I have learned to be a loner. I have friends but they are all married and have limited free time so I enjoy them when they are available but the rest of the time I am on my own. Most weekends I have no real contact with other people. Even at church I keep to myself. I don't care much for group activities so joining singles organizations or joining anything strictly for the sake of meeting people is not for me.
So for now I am living the single, celibate life and prepared to live my life out that way but should something change in me then I would be fine with that. I just don't have a burning desire to change so if it happens it won't be because I pursued it.
I think being married and divorced twice keep people from wondering what my problem is for being single. The only thing that surprises some is that I don't ever sleep with anyone. Aside from shyness I also have moral problems with that and so I do my best to deal with my sexuality without sleeping around.
I'm not sure what I will find on this forum but at least I'm around folks who might understand me!