Not really lonely...

[ohcalidatex]

Hi, got on here out of curiosity. I am 51 and almost divorced for the second time. My first marriage lasted 19 years and produced 3 wonderful children but was a horribly dysfunctional marriage due to issues my ex-wife had. Two years after we divorced I met a woman in another state and thought I had finally found a good relationship that I could grow into but I fooled myself and she fooled me. That one lasted 10 months.

I'm not trying to blame these failures 100% of my ex's but I truly did run into a couple of troubled women. I think part of the problem is that my natural shyness and hatred of conflict caused me to fall in which controlling women who I thought were going to make me happy but instead turned out to have servere issues.

I was shy by nature but then grew up with an alcoholic mother for 14 years (ages 3-17) and a very dysfunctional home life. So I never got to see a good marriage modeled or even a good home life. Then I married at nearly 30 after rarely dating and my wife turns out to have many issues from sexual to anger to legalistic thinking. She hated holidays and was deathly serious. I got along great with the kids up until our divorce at which time she brainwashed them into thinking I was a horrible sinner and that they should avoid me.

I have realized though that due to my life experiences I want peace more than anything and I find relationships stressful. I only like social contact in small doses. In those small doses people really like me including women but what they don't realize is that I don't enjoy people contact enough to make a relationship work. I crave time alone and enjoy doing most things alone. I wasn't always this way but it's who I have become. I have been through counseling many times but in the end they all tell me that I am fine and just need to accept and embrace who I am and quit thinking there is something wrong with me. I have come to that point now.

Sure I wish I could have someone special at times and I certainly wish I had some affection and intimacy but I've learned to live without those things (both wives had issues with sex so sex was rare for me). At this point I feel an obligation to keep women from taking a liking to me as I know in the end a relationship will never work out. As soon as it gets to be more than occasional I start to feel claustrophobic. I keep meeting wonderful women who love me to death and I have to carefully steer them away so as to not hurt them down the road.

I don't view myself as lonely. Maybe once in a blue moon but in my case I had so many years as a "married single" that I have learned to be a loner. I have friends but they are all married and have limited free time so I enjoy them when they are available but the rest of the time I am on my own. Most weekends I have no real contact with other people. Even at church I keep to myself. I don't care much for group activities so joining singles organizations or joining anything strictly for the sake of meeting people is not for me.

So for now I am living the single, celibate life and prepared to live my life out that way but should something change in me then I would be fine with that. I just don't have a burning desire to change so if it happens it won't be because I pursued it.

I think being married and divorced twice keep people from wondering what my problem is for being single. The only thing that surprises some is that I don't ever sleep with anyone. Aside from shyness I also have moral problems with that and so I do my best to deal with my sexuality without sleeping around.

I'm not sure what I will find on this forum but at least I'm around folks who might understand me!

 

[nietzsche's lover]

I can't say that I understand, because I can't really relate. However, I like your post. It sheds light on things I know or think little about. I'm not saying that I don't care Thank you!

 

[ohcalidatex]

You're welcome.

 

[nerdygirl]

I don't view myself as lonely. Maybe once in a blue moon but in my case I had so many years as a "married single" that I have learned to be a loner. I have friends but they are all married and have limited free time so I enjoy them when they are available but the rest of the time I am on my own. Most weekends I have no real contact with other people. Even at church I keep to myself.

So for now I am living the single, celibate life and prepared to live my life out that way but should something change in me then I would be fine with that. I just don't have a burning desire to change so if it happens it won't be because I pursued it.

Our reasons for not being consistently lonely are different, but we still have that quality in common. I am single and celibate, and prepared to live my life that way, too.

I'm not sure what you're hoping to find here, but for what it's worth, some of the company I've found here has helped a lot with those blue moon times!

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
I'm not particularly lonely either but I found this place when I was having a lonely day. I'm much more happy single than in a relationship these days.
We have a pretty good bunch of regulars here - nice to meet you

Teresa

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

I can understand the loner mentality and lack of sexual activity. I've been inactive for close to two years now I think. It's funny how much I can focus when I'm not concerned about chasing tail haha. Most everything else however I cannot relate to seeing as I have yet to experience anything even remotely similar to it.

I'm sure you'll find pieces to the puzzle all over the forum.


Welcome.

 

[ohcalidatex]

I know we are all different but for me I have to be able to be happy on my own first and foremost. Relationships can add to your happiness and deepen it but if you cannot be happy in yourself you will become very needy and dependent on others for your happiness.

I find that my online contact with people satisfies most of my social needs. Not that I wouldn't enjoy more in-person social contact but unfortunately that comes with stressful side effects (for me) and so I ended up doing best on my own. I've tasted of what a good feeling being with someone special can be but it has never lasted. It may just be that a taste is all I'll ever know.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm not lonely either, however I've met some people here that are just too awesome not to stay.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

That's quite a post you've got there
I must say I'm able to relate to some parts of your story, and part of your personality as well. I, however, am nowhere near your age, nor have I had the same experiences with anything like "marriage" , but still I must thank you for sharing, and I hope you'll find some people here to relate with

 

[maplejuner]

Hi, got on here out of curiosity. I am 51 and almost divorced for the second time. My first marriage lasted 19 years and produced 3 wonderful children but was a horribly dysfunctional marriage due to issues my ex-wife had. Two years after we divorced I met a woman in another state and thought I had finally found a good relationship that I could grow into but I fooled myself and she fooled me. That one lasted 10 months.

I'm not trying to blame these failures 100% of my ex's but I truly did run into a couple of troubled women. I think part of the problem is that my natural shyness and hatred of conflict caused me to fall in which controlling women who I thought were going to make me happy but instead turned out to have servere issues.

I was shy by nature but then grew up with an alcoholic mother for 14 years (ages 3-17) and a very dysfunctional home life. So I never got to see a good marriage modeled or even a good home life. Then I married at nearly 30 after rarely dating and my wife turns out to have many issues from sexual to anger to legalistic thinking. She hated holidays and was deathly serious. I got along great with the kids up until our divorce at which time she brainwashed them into thinking I was a horrible sinner and that they should avoid me.

I have realized though that due to my life experiences I want peace more than anything and I find relationships stressful. I only like social contact in small doses. In those small doses people really like me including women but what they don't realize is that I don't enjoy people contact enough to make a relationship work. I crave time alone and enjoy doing most things alone. I wasn't always this way but it's who I have become. I have been through counseling many times but in the end they all tell me that I am fine and just need to accept and embrace who I am and quit thinking there is something wrong with me. I have come to that point now.

Sure I wish I could have someone special at times and I certainly wish I had some affection and intimacy but I've learned to live without those things (both wives had issues with sex so sex was rare for me). At this point I feel an obligation to keep women from taking a liking to me as I know in the end a relationship will never work out. As soon as it gets to be more than occasional I start to feel claustrophobic. I keep meeting wonderful women who love me to death and I have to carefully steer them away so as to not hurt them down the road.

I don't view myself as lonely. Maybe once in a blue moon but in my case I had so many years as a "married single" that I have learned to be a loner. I have friends but they are all married and have limited free time so I enjoy them when they are available but the rest of the time I am on my own. Most weekends I have no real contact with other people. Even at church I keep to myself. I don't care much for group activities so joining singles organizations or joining anything strictly for the sake of meeting people is not for me.

So for now I am living the single, celibate life and prepared to live my life out that way but should something change in me then I would be fine with that. I just don't have a burning desire to change so if it happens it won't be because I pursued it.

I think being married and divorced twice keep people from wondering what my problem is for being single. The only thing that surprises some is that I don't ever sleep with anyone. Aside from shyness I also have moral problems with that and so I do my best to deal with my sexuality without sleeping around.

I'm not sure what I will find on this forum but at least I'm around folks who might understand me!

 

[Bread]

I know we are all different but for me I have to be able to be happy on my own first and foremost. Relationships can add to your happiness and deepen it but if you cannot be happy in yourself you will become very needy and dependent on others for your happiness.

Now there's a good pearl o' wisdom.