Not Wanting A Relationship...

[Lost Drifter]

...at least not a romantic one. Does that make me a minority here?

Maybe it's my age (mid-thirties) but I've come to accept being single or at least, not looking for more. What makes me feel lonely though are the distinct lack of friends or family in my life. No birthdays, no holidays, no one to hang out or laugh with.

Romance I can do without but I'd do anything for friends to chill out and share a drink with. Alas being my age and not being married with kids makes me the devil incarnate!

 

[LadyDaria]

I am not really interested in it either. I suppose I want a relationship that is kind of ... 1/2 of what everyone else wants. I want a part time friend who might get benefits about 1/4th the time of a normal relationship. I want someone to be my buddy... but not my roommate you know? I think a lot of people feel this way. And most of all I don't want drama. Just be normal. Calm.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm not looking for one either. I have too much to worry about to go out and try to have a relationship. That and it's just easier to be single.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I am not really interested in it either. I suppose I want a relationship that is kind of ... 1/2 of what everyone else wants. I want a part time friend who might get benefits about 1/4th the time of a normal relationship. I want someone to be my buddy... but not my roommate you know? I think a lot of people feel this way. And most of all I don't want drama. Just be normal. Calm.

Yes that makes sense to me. The normality of being able to call someone over for a few drinks or catch a movie together on occasion. I don't need anyone to complete me as such, just someone to be able to do the normal things with, to stop me feeling like I live inside a void so to speak. I think people make such a big deal out of friendships these days (e.g. only childhood friends, must like exactly the same things) that finding something light but genuine is next to impossible.

 

[LadyDaria]

that finding something light but genuine is next to impossible.

Good point on the genuine... that is something I want but find it hard to get. Also, if I call you to do something... I do NOT want to be jerked around. If we plan on a 2 Pm movie.. YOU go to it.. and be there at 2. Drives me insane when people make plans with me and then bail at the last second. It is like having a relationship but not.. the worst of all worlds.

 

[Lost Drifter]

And the excuses are always the same. "My kids/partner/parents needed something but you wouldn't understand because you're irresponsible".

It's like you're not a real person unless you suffer the same.

 

[LadyDaria]

And the excuses are always the same. "My kids/partner/parents needed something but you wouldn't understand because you're irresponsible".
It's like you're not a real person unless you suffer the same.

Yeh... i actually have a pretty decent friend but I am never able to do anything with her unless it is at work because she has a kid and that kid needs her when she isn't at work... (single mom) and she is a good kid, but still... It is like having a friend who is on line because the only time we can really do anything is at work.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I've noticed the lack of kids being an increasing obstacle to adult friendships. There is a guy in my office who I speak to, he's really friendly but the conversation will often go like:

Me: Hey how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?
Him: Yeah it was ok, just a quiet weekend...silence...

Then someone else (with kids) will ask him the same question about his weekend:

Someone: Hey how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?
Him: Yeah it was fantastic, my wife and I took our kids to the beach, then we had a barbeque, then caught that new movie in the cinema, have you seen it?

So I'm thinking because I don't have kids I'm suddenly not to be spoken to?

 

[Triple Bogey]

I've noticed the lack of kids being an increasing obstacle to adult friendships. There is a guy in my office who I speak to, he's really friendly but the conversation will often go like:

Me: Hey how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?
Him: Yeah it was ok, just a quiet weekend...silence...

Then someone else (with kids) will ask him the same question about his weekend:

Someone: Hey how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?
Him: Yeah it was fantastic, my wife and I took our kids to the beach, then we had a barbeque, then caught that new movie in the cinema, have you seen it?

So I'm thinking because I don't have kids I'm suddenly not to be spoken to?

or he doesn't like you. I wouldn't bother speaking to him in the future. Find someone who talks more.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I'd get that if it wasn't him approaching me in the first place. He's all for talking about me, but apparently talking about his weekend with his family is a taboo for someone without kids.

 

[Regumika]

Wait. So...

Look for the benefits of someone in a relationship but the freedom of someone that is single.

Am I getting this right?

Don't want the difficulties of relationships yet don't want the loneliness of being single (or friendless). But they do say that your partner should be your best friend.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I think the bottom line is friends without having to be lovers.

 

[Regumika]

Is it possible to be friends with someone that you didn't grow up with yet have no common interest?

 

[Lost Drifter]

Could you explain that please?

 

[Regumika]

People you grew up with typically are neighbors or classmates, you might have common interests or you are all just so bored that you just end up hanging out together and find random things to do. You eventually have some sort of bond since you all get in trouble together, do stupid things together, cover each others' backs, etc. However.. the chances that you all share the same interest deep down is probably not likely.

Now.. we're all strangers, we're not going to "grow up" together anymore, we're all grown ups. If we don't have common interests, what is binding us together as friends? What does it take for two people to be friends?

 

[kamya]

You need a true bromance mhmm. Welcome back btw dood.

[video=youtube]

 

[LadyDaria]

I think there are two problems with friendships or relationships today.
(1) the pressure is intense. Friend or lover it seems everything has to be perfect RIGHT NOW... and I think this ruins a lot of potential relationships.
(2) because of this pressure, there is pressure to get out the second something goes wrong. You can't wait around and get stuck married to some abuser or some psyco woman. So, freedom to run gives people to drop you asap if you do the slightest thing that is concerning.

Most relationships in school or in work start because you are stuck together for some overarching thing and there is no pressure because your main point isn't to make relationships. So people get to see each other and really get to know them. So seems to me like a "1/2" relationship kind of gives this same freedom. Takes off the pressure and allows you to do things with the point other than a life long relationship.. where, chances are, you will grow to like the person. The commitment is there, you commit to be that other person's movie / work event / etc date but the pressure is off at least initially.

 

[Lost Drifter]

Now.. we're all strangers, we're not going to "grow up" together anymore, we're all grown ups. If we don't have common interests, what is binding us together as friends? What does it take for two people to be friends?

I understand you now and yes, I agree. I think the problem lies with at a certain age, people just stop trying and actively start looking for obstacles more than anything substantial.


Cheers kamya

 

[R2349]

I think people make such a big deal out of friendships these days (e.g. only childhood friends, must like exactly the same things) that finding something light but genuine is next to impossible.

It's true. To the point, for me, where I find it difficult to respond to simple questions at times like, 'do you like this song', or, 'are you cat person or dog person'. I think it's more respectable to be a brutally honest person than a coward with no opinion, but when it comes down to it, I'm so afraid that people will just drop me like usual if I fail some unspoken requirement or something.

I think there are two problems with friendships or relationships today.
(1) the pressure is intense. Friend or lover it seems everything has to be perfect RIGHT NOW... and I think this ruins a lot of potential relationships.
(2) because of this pressure, there is pressure to get out the second something goes wrong. You can't wait around and get stuck married to some abuser or some psyco woman. So, freedom to run gives people to drop you asap if you do the slightest thing that is concerning.

Also, this. Although I find it near impossible to get even beyond the 'Hi how was your weekend' stage anyway <.<

 

[Regumika]

(1) the pressure is intense. Friend or lover it seems everything has to be perfect RIGHT NOW... and I think this ruins a lot of potential relationships.

I do agree it has to be perfect RIGHT NOW, if it isn't perfect right now why are you settling for it?However! not "everything" needs to be perfect and I think this is where many do not really see. There are important things that needs to be spot on, and some that you can leave for improvement.

(2) because of this pressure, there is pressure to get out the second something goes wrong. You can't wait around and get stuck married to some abuser or some psyco woman. So, freedom to run gives people to drop you asap if you do the slightest thing that is concerning.

Which is why personally, I want marriage. If she doesn't want marriage, I can just weed her out because I know she isn't into the kind of dedication. She has that "easy out" or "free spirit" in the back of her mind. But of course, marriage still doesn't guarantee anything. However, more non marriage relationships fail than married relationships by ratio, so I'll still stand by marriage as the better success.

Most relationships in school or in work start because you are stuck together for some overarching thing and there is no pressure because your main point isn't to make relationships. So people get to see each other and really get to know them. So seems to me like a "1/2" relationship kind of gives this same freedom. Takes off the pressure and allows you to do things with the point other than a life long relationship.. where, chances are, you will grow to like the person. The commitment is there, you commit to be that other person's movie / work event / etc date but the pressure is off at least initially.

I agree with this.. until you find someone that isn't compatible.. then you see that person that is incompatible with you, 5 days a week.