often bitterly lonely, but sometimes just miffed

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Nov 4, 2008
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Hello, I'm here because God heard my prayer (really) and when I searched, here you all were. I find that strange and beautiful. After reading your profiles, my heart went out to you ALL, and I felt a growing excitement--maybe this was a place where I could hang out? I sure hope so.

I seem to be much older than most of you--45, female, married and wife of a fruit grower, four kids (all beginning to leave home, or already have done), living on a vast, empty Indian reservation after having grown up in the SF Bay Area--a place where lonliness can very easily be veiled behind self-important bustle.

My point is that lonliness, which I've experienced nearly all my life, is a subtle thing, and it becomes even more complex as I age. It doesn't always mean that I am alone. And my relationship TO lonliness has become very murky. I wonder if anybody else feels this way?

I'm lonely almost constantly. Sometimes I'm lonely for myself. This I discovered last year, and it was like a bolt from the blue. It'd never occurred to me before.

Sometimes I indulge fleeting fantasies of--even this late in life!--running away to find that "perfect" relationship, absolutely communal. It fades with time.

My greatest fear is of being abandoned. This is so tied up with loneliness for me that I didn't understand until recently how little I connect to others, how little of myself I give to them. I've never told my husband my deep fear, or really anything so personal it would leave me open to derision or abandonment. Why? Why would I do that to him? I love him!

I'm in the autumn of my life, and I feel fear constrict my chest. I don't fear death so much as lost time. There's no more time to dawdle awaiting some perfection. I want friends, I want to get along with other people, I want authentic connection to my fellows, and I want to serve God by being FEARLESS.

This is very garbled, and isn't at all what I wanted to say.
 
Its very common to feel lonely sometimes. Maybe, its because your kids are gradually leaving you....4 of them mind you...* applause for your good motherhood*. I can understand how you feel, thats why i do talk to my mom sometimes. Call me mommy's boy, but i think sometimes, as a son/daughter, its time to repay what attention my parents gave me.=)
 
Welcome to the forum.

Does your husband also get lonely? It seems like you have a good thing going. As humans we have vast potential for growth, change, and imagination. Maybe its time for some change, or a new creative venture.

For me every day is a new adventure. When I get lonely theres a part of me that yearns for something new, like I'm missing out on something. Getting inspired and passionate about things comes easy to me I guess.
 
Aww man, fruit growing on an Indian Reservation? Where do I sign up? I'll trade you that for my shoddy studio and warehouse work any day.
 
Welcome.
You are not old! (40 next year)
Being a mother is one of the most rewarding,taken for granted jobs ever(without pay)!
Change is hard, esp when it seems your family are out growing you and dont need you as they are now independant, BUT .. stand back and look at what you have created, and then give yourself a hard earned break!
From one mum to another, YOUR life is about to begin, be who you want to be and learn to live!
:)
 
welcome
i sure hope you make friends here. =)
four kids sounds amazing..how old is the youngest?
 
"Its very common to feel lonely sometimes. Maybe, its because your kids are gradually leaving you"

Thanks for the "mommy" hug--and you're right. Being out on this huge Reservation, schools were far away, and I homeschooled all four. So their leaving is a double whammy. Thanks for your sensitivity.
 
Catharsis said:
Welcome to the forum.

"Does your husband also get lonely? It seems like you have a good thing going."

Catharsis, you're right, I do. My husband is VERY lonely, although he doesn't know it. When he becomes anxious, as our business has made us on it its long slide down, he withdraws. Or he insists I stay home, or at least stay close. I think we're each other's only friends.

"As humans we have vast potential for growth, change, and imagination. Maybe its time for some change, or a new creative venture."

Absolutely, so please don't bridle at what I'm about to say, which I truly don't mean to sound whiney. Our business slipped into a Great Depression LONG before the rest of the country did. It's been devastating financially. The both of us feel like failures, which doesn't help our social skills any! It's hard for urban people to understand, I guess, but in 1920's, too, agriculture collapsed before the Crash of 1929. We're feeling bruised and humiliated, and many of our neighbors have gone bankrupt. We're still standing...barely.

Your point about new ventures is well taken. But that's the thing about lonliness and fear--they draw a wall around a person so tightly they simply can't see a way forward. Hence my hope in this forum. Thank you for your kindness.
 
Unacceptance said:
Aww man, fruit growing on an Indian Reservation? Where do I sign up? I'll trade you that for my shoddy studio and warehouse work any day.

Sorry this post is so late, but we had the last of the Asian Pears to pick and pack, so I was sidelined for a few days. Yes, Unacceptance, fruit growing has its perks, but you simply must love it--intensely--because unless you're big, thanks to the economics of scale, there's very little money in it anymore. But yes, the air is clean, and I can see the Columbia River from my bedroom.

Warehouse work?? Do you get to drive Hysters that go "beep beep!" ?
 
Gothmother said:
Welcome.
You are not old! (40 next year)
Being a mother is one of the most rewarding,taken for granted jobs ever(without pay)!
Change is hard, esp when it seems your family are out growing you and dont need you as they are now independant, BUT .. stand back and look at what you have created, and then give yourself a hard earned break!
From one mum to another, YOUR life is about to begin, be who you want to be and learn to live!
:)

Thank you Gothmother, those are comforting words. Fortunately, I've always written, and for almost 19 years, I consoled myself with, "Soon you'll have the time". But as you know, writing is the most solitary thing one can do, and it hasn't helped my marriage, nor my friendship skills. I love that you took the time to write me! Thank you, fellow mum! Are you from the UK?
 

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