On regret

[cumulus.james]

Sometimes talking people out of suicide may not be the best policy. Of course it is human nature to do so, to want to help, to alleviate suffering. But what if by remaining conscious and alive even greater suffering must be endured?

I became depressed, chronically lonely and first thought about suicide when I was 14. Some 20 years later I am still suffering. Had I realized my situation was permanent and fixed I would have not hesitated. I regret being alive this past 20 years.

What of now? Matters are worse. The only possible way to remain alive is to drink myself to death every night and wait for the resulting cancer, or to become lobotomized by weapons grade psychotropics to the point I am barely a person, and keeping me alive is merely a humanitarian gesture.

To be here like this in another 20 years. That's too much. It's a torture.

I don't expect to make it through this year. I think these must be my last few months.

Some people genuinely have nothing to live for and are genuinely beyond help.

Nothing matters anymore. Nothing.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't buy into that. You say it may not be the best policy to try to talk them out of it, but given their present state of mind, is it really conscionable to let them make that decision? It's akin to letting a person not in their right mind make their own medical decisions.

NO ONE, in my opinion, is beyond help, is beyond saving and EVERYONE, in my opinion has something to live for. Just because you don't see it now, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It's up to you (generalized you) to get better, to get the help you need, to FIND something to live for.

 

[cumulus.james]

I tried for 20 years. There is nothing.

 

[jd7]

You are depressed and addicted. Been there. It's a disease. You can't see it despite your impressive intellect. I'll make a prediction. If you don't get help, you will fulfill your own prophesy.

 

[Seeker_2.0]

Eight years ago I prevented my best friend from committing suicide. I would love to sit here and tell you that it was for the best, I really would. The truth is, though, that these past 8 years have been a torment to himself, his family and his friends and i often find myself regretting preventing him back them. In his fits of rage he accuses me of that, too, and i always take it with my head bowed, because I know he's right. Not everyone wants to be saved and that's totally fine, i did a selfish thing.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't mean any offense with what I'm going to say and I would say it to anyone, so please don't take this the wrong way.

What you feel is "trying" isn't always trying. You go through the motions, but do you REALLY want to change? A lot of people I've encountered, including myself, feared getting "better" because maybe it wouldn't change anything, maybe you'd be in the same place you are now.
I went through the motions years ago and honestly thought I was trying and getting nowhere. Looking back now, I wasn't trying at all, not really. Take a look at what you are doing from another perspective. Get counseling, get help, join some charities or volunteer at places. Go out into the real world, even if you are scared to. Do what you need to do. Start off small and build your way up. Set small goals for yourself and go from there.

 

[cumulus.james]

Eight years ago I prevented my best friend from committing suicide. I would love to sit here and tell you that it was for the best, I really would. The truth is, though, that these past 8 years have been a torment to himself, his family and his friends and i often find myself regretting preventing him back them. In his fits of rage he accuses me of that, too, and i always take it with my head bowed, because I know he's right. Not everyone wants to be saved and that's totally fine, i did a selfish thing.

See. Said so didn't I.

If life was like Walden there might be no need for suicide.

---

You are depressed and addicted. Been there. It's a disease. You can't see it despite your impressive intellect. I'll make a prediction. If you don't get help, you will fulfill your own prophesy.

I tell them I'm suicidal and they don't believe. You ring a crisis line or go to the crisis team and unless you can prove your going to kill yourself at that moment they tell you to fresia off. With our NHS you got to attempt suicide and fail to get help. I gather they imagine the mentally ill will cancel themselves out like multiplying a quotient or something.

I went to the crisis team a few months ago. They laughed at me. They were a pair of nasty bastards. How people like that get in the NHS I don't know.

I did a trick once, I listened to a NHS councillor I happened to be sleeping with that night go on about the mentally ill scum and how they get on his nerves. I didn't tell him I happened to be such scum.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Yep Crisis team is a farce.... and I think your entirely right about referral...you have to be able to demonstrate you have made a reasonable fist of attempting to kill yourself...so few resources...so very many unhappy people.. Great Britain recently voted the loneliest country in Europe....What can I tell you it's a lottery...your either into a revolving door scenario...where they effectively do as little as possible so as to conserve their budget and create the paper illusion they've done something...or you are fortunate enough to meet one of the few professionals willing to help you....Defy the bastards and survive..

 

[Tealeaf]

It's a complicated topic. I was in the process of making suicide plans a few years ago and debating the success rates of several methods when I was convinced to stop. I went on to believe that my life would turn around with a little hard work and planning, which it hasn't and isn't going to. I don't think that was a mistake, as I went on to do some good work and experience a few good friendships online. There are often things worth living for, as long as it's more than food, video games, and stupid honeysuckle like that - sometimes it's a matter of waiting for the next life stage. Torturous and meaningless are different things, but the thresholds are often different. I sucked a little more out of the world for a couple years, and that lack of anything in the world for me except pain and stagnation was the reason I'd been planning it in the first place. Cheap thrills don't keep a person going for long.

Years later, things are worse off. One of the two things that kept me going has begun to stagnate, and the second won't continue to feed me achievement, thrills, connection, and personal meaning forever. It's barely enough right now. I'm very conscious of the fact that every forward step I take takes me one step closer to expiring it or reaching my limit, but I'm too old to sit here and wish about it without feeling like a fool. If I want to benefit at all, I have to use up my potential. Eventually, I will be without the two good things I have ever had in my life that make me feel like a human being or at least allow me to fool myself into mindlessly chasing the next day. If I'm old when that happens, I might reflect on them for my last few years. If I'm still young, I am certain I will exit, except I've decided on a clean route with a high success rate. There is no such thing as a miracle, and there's nothing left for me to fall in love with beyond books, passing people's smiles, video games, and music. Nothing to get me out of bed.

What people never understand is that some people don't fit the mold. They aren't predictable pieces slightly off their predictable course that can be fixed with a little calibration. That they can't slap on a smile, put themselves out there, do some generic stuff, and get results. I've been failing at that for over 20 years now, and without a single success story for the last 3-4. At best I can expect one every few years that boosts my expiration date slightly - a new hobby, a single friend who stays for a few years - but that's not much of a life. I'm essentially a thing, a humanoid machine going through the motions because even though people care nothing for my presence my absence would make them feel guilty and I can perform duties for them. Suicide would at least spare me that, once I've lost even my sense of self and my sense of connection to everything around me beyond any confidence in my ability to get it back.

People treat willful death as if it's the saddest ******* thing in the world when they kill animals for food every day, blow each other up in wars, and turn their back on starving people who don't want to die. They'll rip up weeds and condemn criminals to death, but heaven forbid someone choose it for themselves. It's just coalescing back into what we came from, not some unnatural horror. Not when you're not dying emaciated in a hovel or with half your face blown off surrounded by the sounds of other dying people.

 

[jd7]

Hall of Mirrors.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

I don't want to over simplify.. but as someone who survived a suicide bid...at the age of 18 ..not a gesture..not a token I was close enough to death to need my heart restarting...I want to say only one thing.... Every day above ground is an opportunity which death denies us...it has taken me a very long time to understand just exactly how those words summarise...the nature of both life and death.

 

[cumulus.james]

I have got nothing to live for. That is a fact. There is existing and that's all there is.

I know I need to die. I don't know why I put it off. I know that the longer I exist the worse things will get.

I have to be bought to terms with it. It is time.

It is time to go.

Just have to accept it

 

[TheRealCallie]

I have got nothing to live for. That is a fact.

No, it's not. It's an opinion. And THAT is part of the problem. You refuse to look at anything except what YOU believe is true. Start looking at other options and other perspectives and you could get better.

I know I need to die. I don't know why I put it off. I know that the longer I exist the worse things will get.

No, you don't NEED to die. It will continue getting worse, as long as you keep nursing it. Again, it doesn't have to be that way.

Just have to accept it

Or you could accept something else and be, if not happy, then content. The choice is yours.

 

[Amthorn]

I've been suicidal a lot in my life. I honestly feel that if someone really, really wants to end it, they have the right. HOWEVER, that being said, even if you really have no friends or family or coworkers you think would be devastated, what about your enemies? What about the ones who cast you aside, who treated you like dirt, who took advantage of you? Do you really want THEM to outlive you? Or do you want a chance to take a honeysuckle on their grave?

Think about it. Dead men can never take revenge.

It's a complicated topic. I was in the process of making suicide plans a few years ago and debating the success rates of several methods when I was convinced to stop. I went on to believe that my life would turn around with a little hard work and planning, which it hasn't and isn't going to. I don't think that was a mistake, as I went on to do some good work and experience a few good friendships online. There are often things worth living for, as long as it's more than food, video games, and stupid honeysuckle like that - sometimes it's a matter of waiting for the next life stage. Torturous and meaningless are different things, but the thresholds are often different. I sucked a little more out of the world for a couple years, and that lack of anything in the world for me except pain and stagnation was the reason I'd been planning it in the first place. Cheap thrills don't keep a person going for long.

Years later, things are worse off. One of the two things that kept me going has begun to stagnate, and the second won't continue to feed me achievement, thrills, connection, and personal meaning forever. It's barely enough right now. I'm very conscious of the fact that every forward step I take takes me one step closer to expiring it or reaching my limit, but I'm too old to sit here and wish about it without feeling like a fool. If I want to benefit at all, I have to use up my potential. Eventually, I will be without the two good things I have ever had in my life that make me feel like a human being or at least allow me to fool myself into mindlessly chasing the next day. If I'm old when that happens, I might reflect on them for my last few years. If I'm still young, I am certain I will exit, except I've decided on a clean route with a high success rate. There is no such thing as a miracle, and there's nothing left for me to fall in love with beyond books, passing people's smiles, video games, and music. Nothing to get me out of bed.

What people never understand is that some people don't fit the mold. They aren't predictable pieces slightly off their predictable course that can be fixed with a little calibration. That they can't slap on a smile, put themselves out there, do some generic stuff, and get results. I've been failing at that for over 20 years now, and without a single success story for the last 3-4. At best I can expect one every few years that boosts my expiration date slightly - a new hobby, a single friend who stays for a few years - but that's not much of a life. I'm essentially a thing, a humanoid machine going through the motions because even though people care nothing for my presence my absence would make them feel guilty and I can perform duties for them. Suicide would at least spare me that, once I've lost even my sense of self and my sense of connection to everything around me beyond any confidence in my ability to get it back.

People treat willful death as if it's the saddest ******* thing in the world when they kill animals for food every day, blow each other up in wars, and turn their back on starving people who don't want to die. They'll rip up weeds and condemn criminals to death, but heaven forbid someone choose it for themselves. It's just coalescing back into what we came from, not some unnatural horror. Not when you're not dying emaciated in a hovel or with half your face blown off surrounded by the sounds of other dying people.

 

[cumulus.james]

Oh why can't anyone understand. I've got nothing to live for. It's not an illusion or delusion. It's just true. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live as this thing anymore. And before you say it there is no way to change my life. This painful lonely existing is all there is and all there ever can be

 

[TheRealCallie]

Oh why can't anyone understand. I've got nothing to live for. It's not an illusion or delusion. It's just true. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live as this thing anymore. And before you say it there is no way to change my life. This painful lonely existing is all there is and all there ever can be

And as long as you go on believing that, it will be true. It sounds like you don't want to hear different options. It's almost like you want permission, but I honestly don't think you will find that here.
No, it's unlikely anyone has been through exactly what you have, but people have been through some things you couldn't imagine and if they can beat the odds and live and be content. What makes you so **** sure that you can't? Because you're scared or because you don't want to change?
As long as you are drinking and are an alcoholic, **** near everything you think and believe will likely be a delusion you created for yourself.

 

[Cantante]

Because there is always a solution.

 

[Danielle]

Oh why can't anyone understand. I've got nothing to live for. It's not an illusion or delusion. It's just true. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live as this thing anymore. And before you say it there is no way to change my life. This painful lonely existing is all there is and all there ever can be

Why do you HAVE to live life as "this THING" as you describe? Why is there "no way to change your life"? You can be anything you choose....you can choose not to feel this way, and CHOOSE to live another way.

Try looking for work, somewhere to voulnteer, getting involved in a cause, picking up a hobby..... i dunno. There is so much you can do to improve your quality of life, as you see it... Dying is not the answer. I wish you the best.