One-sided social interaction

[ardour]

I've had enough of those acquaintances where I have to carry it almost all the time. The people who seem genuinely eager to talk, but rarely start conversation or change topics.

For a while I’m glad there’s someone new to talk to. But then it occurs, why is this one-sided? Why do they never ask about my life?

Maybe half my social interactions are like this.

You might be thinking “well you suck, they’re probably not interested.” Okay, but the strange thing is when I give up out of frustration these same people act resentful towards me. Don't get it...

My workplace is like this; introverts who always expect someone else to take the initiative. But that's not how it works.
Then there's the women who seem wary of men yet appear to want you to be friendly towards them all the same. Doesn't/shouldn't work like that either.

I feel like grabbing these people and yelling in their faces “this is life for you because you won’t GIVE”

 

[Tiina63]

I have sometimes run into the same situation, often in dating situations. The other person leaves the whole responsibilty to me to carry the conversation. And though I take a friendly interest in them and their life, they don't reciprocate, as you have found, by asking me about me and my life. And sometimes they look bored even though I am trying so hard to think of things we could talk about. And their resentment is hard to cope with, as you have found. It is as if by being unable to think of anything more to say after a while, we are letting them down in some way. I am guessing that you are an introvert like me, as a more outgoing person would maybe find having to carry the conversation is not so hard.

 

[Cam]

I have the same problem. I'm one of two personalities in this situation. I'm either the person who tries to think of everything to say, and if there's a quiet moment i'm anxious on why it's like that, I think, 'there must be something wrong'. And on the other end, when some people talk to me, I just don't care about the conversation at all. It angers me when the other person can't think of what to say, but I think it sometimes comes down to the fact that if you both don't have the chemistry, then it just doesn't work. And I mean even with just a friend. I only have 2 friends basically, but both of those friends talk a lot and are really honest, and i'm the same, so convo just flows. The hard thing with this is though, is that, you have to find chemistry, and someone who's the same as you.

To be honest, I have no real clue :s

 

[ardour]

(shameless bump)

some do seem to want something, just lazy it seems. It's been the same with a few of the more 'outgoing' people I've known (by no means all); aren't willing to make much effort but get pissed off if I don't.

Ever notice how the burden of socializing always seems to be put on the lonely or insecure person, as if it should be entirely up to them to make it happen? On these forums for example the advice always goes like something like you having to completely change who you are, treat every day like a battle, earn your friends and relationships through sheer willpower. Nobody asks why those who are naturally more confident and happier aren't willing to meet them half-way.

 

[duff]

I'm the most interesting person at work. I sometimes wonder what they talk about when I'm not there !

 

[Regumika]

rdor.

As easy as it sounds, it's not easy. to some it really is easy, to others it's not. and im sure you understand that. like Cam said though, there requires... not chemistry, but connection.

but let me elaborate, real friends do not need connection. it is casual friends that require the connection to keep it going. your real friends will always be there, shy or not. They always have your back. Will always listen to you. Will come to you when they are in pain. Will share with you their success. But also, dont forget they have their own issues too, you aren't the only one.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

If they don't ask how are you're doing or anything about your life, then they don't care about you.
Or some people really just don't know how to do conversation, or they're not paying attention or not interested (check their eyes for that glazed expression).

This reminds me of one girl I stopped talking to. I always initiated conversation, but then I wondered if she actually liked talking to me. Then I gave her some space to make eye contact or initiate convo and she never did, so then I concluded that she probably didn't like me or feel comfortable around me.

It actually took me a long time to get this one.

 

[Mike413]

Yep. I've certainly been there. I've had several so called "friends" where I would always be the one calling them or contacting them or doing most of the talking etc. Sooner or later it would die out and I would stop calling them and they would disappear from my life. I refer to these people as "high maintenance" and that's putting it mildly. Hey folks, it takes two to be a friend.

This is a problem I face with women also but I don't need to tell most of the guys on here that you will almost always be doing most of the work(especially initially)with a woman but usually only if it is in a romantic context or potentially romantic situation.

 

[Masque]

I don't mind initiating so much as being the only one to move conversations along. That's exhausting to keep up and I frequently wind up burnt out if I have to do it, but I need to put up with it sometimes if I want to be able to find the people who'll be actual friends. Thankfully it mostly happens online.

 

[edamame721]

I'm not the outgoing type but I'm usually the one trying to get people together or ask how their lives are. I think part of it is people are busy and they don't want to make the effort of starting everything. At the same time, they get used to you making the effort. Some people don't realize what it takes to maintain a conversation/relationship but others resent you if you don't do the work (even though they don't reciprocate). I feel your frustration. I think we just haven't met the right acquaintances yet.

 

[ardour]

..like on the train this morning with an acquaintance... that was old-school awkwardness. I may as well have have been talking to myself. While she sits there awkwardly wishing she could play on her i-phone. I knew something was up when she left my facebook friend request pending. Why do people have to be so unoriginal?

 

[simplesimonette]

I'm an idiot when it comes to small talk. My conversations go one of two ways - I get a life story or glazed eyes. It's not that I'm boring (well, maybe I am) it's just that my thought process is abstract and I tend to blurt things out before filtering those thoughts through my common sense filter. There are times when I feel I have chronic foot-in-mouth syndrome.
I took drama in high school to help with my social anxiety - but spending 20 years being a mom has limited my conversational skills. It's embarrassing. I don't even know how to talk to adults anymore.
I wish I could be evaluated and given pointers when it comes to conversing. I would rather people tell me what I was doing wrong than going through the same excruciating motions over and over again that leaves me feeling confused and defeated. Because I know it's me, not the other party.