Online dating - meeting up with different girls - is this okay?

[TheSkaFish]

@ TheSkaFish.

Hahah, I actually did talk about racial issues regarding dating when meeting up with my female friend (no, this is a friend I already knew before I started online dating, and met her at a meet up event, but I'm not "romantically" attracted to her - she's just a friend) last week Saturday for dinner.

I told her that I was having difficulty finding dates through online dating websites, and that I have been doing online dating for the last three months. I also told her that there is a huge dating disparity when it comes to Asian men, compared to males of other racial groups, here in the US.

If you've read my other thread regarding online dating, I felt that it was just a carousel of meeting various girls, spending my time, gas and money driving out to meet her, spending a crapload of money on coffee, drinks, lunch or dinner - basically NONE of those meet ups led to any potential girlfriend relationships. I'm basically back at square one, single, sad, and EVEN MORE depressed than I was prior to starting online dating ( I started at the beginning of November of last year).

I still believe my race and sex are two factors that place me at a huge disadvantage here in the US, when it comes to dating and romance.

I have sent out couple of hundreds of messages to girls, not just girls from my ethnic or racial group, but also to white, hispanic and some black women. I received NO responses from those messages.

Yeah, I've seen your other thread and honestly it all scares me a bit.  Online dating is pretty much the last game in town for me unless anything changes, and if that fails I don't know what I'll do.  I feel your pain. 

GrayAndLonesome

Yup, I too hate platonic honeysuckle. While platonic relationship is better than nothing, I still long for a nice kiss with a girl while seated on a bench at the park, watching the sun set, or the full moon shine over a pond. Yup, I too hate being "friendzoned." once you're "just a friend" it's hard to get out of that f--king mindset with your female friend.

I long for those same things you described, the kiss, sunset, full moon, sharing that sort of thing.  And I hate being "friendzoned" like all hell.  It says they think you're not good enough, not cool enough, really hurts more than bullying.  I really want to get out though, because I know I wasn't my best self before.  I hadn't developed my personality enough, had low social skills, and had a lot of issues left over from my school years.  I know I could be better than that, I hope someday I'll improve into a more confident, substantial, fun, and attractive person I wanted to be all along but didn't think I could be and didn't know how at the time.  I do think I could have connected with those girls if I had my issues taken care of beforehand, and I hope I can get a chance to show them we could have fun together cause I'm not some "friend" loser, I'm an ace.  

I wish you luck with this dating business, heaven knows we need it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I long for those same things you described, the kiss, sunset, full moon, sharing that sort of thing.  And I hate being "friendzoned" like all hell.  It says they think you're not good enough, not cool enough, really hurts more than bullying.  I really want to get out though, because I know I wasn't my best self before.  I hadn't developed my personality enough, had low social skills, and had a lot of issues left over from my school years.  I know I could be better than that, I hope someday I'll improve into a more confident, substantial, fun, and attractive person I wanted to be all along but didn't think I could be and didn't know how at the time.  I do think I could have connected with those girls if I had my issues taken care of beforehand, and I hope I can get a chance to show them we could have fun together cause I'm not some "friend" loser, I'm an ace.  

I wish you luck with this dating business, heaven knows we need it.

I don't really think it's all about not being good enough. There are a lot of aspects that go into the decision to be with someone. On the flip side, there may only be one or two things that someone jumps in for. Although, I completely understand the notion. When I was in school, I had a crush on a dude pretty much all through middle school and a portion of high school. And I always thought to myself, "Why am I not good enough?" Having grown up now and having dealt with honeysuckle that makes a crush pale in comparison, I realize that it wasn't not being good enough, but that it was his choice to not like me back. I respected it back then, because I never pushed or tried to force, but it did make me sad. I respect it equally as much now, now that I've had a guy or two like me, and I just didn't feel the same. I'd rather hurt someone's feelings over pretending to like them the same, and they'll most likely have their feelings hurt for another reason.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't really think it's all about not being good enough. There are a lot of aspects that go into the decision to be with someone. On the flip side, there may only be one or two things that someone jumps in for. Although, I completely understand the notion. When I was in school, I had a crush on a dude pretty much all through middle school and a portion of high school. And I always thought to myself, "Why am I not good enough?" Having grown up now and having dealt with honeysuckle that makes a crush pale in comparison, I realize that it wasn't not being good enough, but that it was his choice to not like me back. I respected it back then, because I never pushed or tried to force, but it did make me sad. I respect it equally as much now, now that I've had a guy or two like me, and I just didn't feel the same. I'd rather hurt someone's feelings over pretending to like them the same, and they'll most likely have their feelings hurt for another reason.

People's feelings are their own, sure.  But I do think a person can do things that can help increase or decrease their chances of being seen favorably.  You do hear stories sometimes of someone falling for a person they thought was "not their type" at first.  

Nevertheless, I do think I had a lot of issues that helped keep me from connecting with the people I wanted to connect with, in the way I wanted to.  I was generally nice and friendly but didn't have too much more to offer beyond that, and I wasn't doing enough to get more to offer either.  And I had a lot of flaws I should have worked out by then that were also getting in the way.

 

[Oldyoung]

Meeting up with different girls is totally okay.

Dating multiple girls at the same time is not, unless everyone is informed about what's going on and agrees to it.

That's my opinion. And here I refer to dating as having started meeting up and communicating somewhat regularly.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

Yeah, I've seen your other thread and honestly it all scares me a bit.  Online dating is pretty much the last game in town for me unless anything changes, and if that fails I don't know what I'll do.  I feel your pain. 


I long for those same things you described, the kiss, sunset, full moon, sharing that sort of thing.  And I hate being "friendzoned" like all hell.  It says they think you're not good enough, not cool enough, really hurts more than bullying.  I really want to get out though, because I know I wasn't my best self before.  I hadn't developed my personality enough, had low social skills, and had a lot of issues left over from my school years.  I know I could be better than that, I hope someday I'll improve into a more confident, substantial, fun, and attractive person I wanted to be all along but didn't think I could be and didn't know how at the time.  I do think I could have connected with those girls if I had my issues taken care of beforehand, and I hope I can get a chance to show them we could have fun together cause I'm not some "friend" loser, I'm an ace.  

I wish you luck with this dating business, heaven knows we need it.

@TheSkaFish.

Yeah, unfortunately, online dating is all about looks, and if you don't fit the typical American cookie-cutter male looks, then you will not get any responses, or very little responses.

For me, although I do complain of discrimination (because I'm an Asian male) in online and even everyday dating here in the US, I have received a fair amount of responses from some girls and gone on eight face-to-face dates since I started online dating in November of last year.

However, just recently, I have faced a drought, and severe drought of responses from women I have sent messages out to.

I don't know how old you are TheSkaFish, but me, I'm in my mid 30s. If you're in your 20's, dang, I wish I was in your shoes.

My 20's was wasted on studying and prepping for graduate school, a program which I did get into, but didn't finish and ended up withdrawing. Then I went back to school for my second career. My second career which I'm working right now is *gasp* - nursing. You would think that I'd have a huge pick of women, right? Nope wrong! Most of them are already married, have boyfriends or simply dislike me because of my racial background - I can already feel that vibe some times at work.

Hence, I may either transfer work in the near future.

However, a friend of mine has recently paired me up with one of her friends at her workplace.

I'm set to meet up with her on a first face-to-face date tomorrow night. We have been sending Messenger (the one you use with Facebook) texts back and forth since last week Wednesday.  I really pray to God for some success with this blind date, and hoping that it turns to a real girlfriend relationship.

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It's not really that hard.  Replace "Asian" in your search with "black" or "white" or "Mexican" or whatever other race you want to fine.  If you can find it for Asians, you can find it for ANY race.  Why do you assume that Asians have all the problems?  I can assure you they don't. 
Stop blaming your race and find the real answer as to why people ignore you after the first date....

And sorry, I'm not a goner.  Deal with it.

^^ Callie, you're really full of crap. Seriously.

I already face the hurdles of having Asian females who prefer to marry white or non-Asian males. No other racial group have females who marry out/ sell out at a HIGH percentage.

White females, while they do date or marry out to black guys, the majority of them stay loyal to their white male counterparts.

Same definitely can be said for latina/hispanic females - they tend to stick together.

Read this stuff I've came across from Yahoo - posted by a self-hating Asian female who prefers to marry a white guy. It's the truth Callie, quit trying to bullsh-t your reasoning at me. This is why I'm frustrated.

Yahoo - self-hating Asian female

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

Meeting up with different girls is totally okay.

Dating multiple girls at the same time is not, unless everyone is informed about what's going on and agrees to it.

That's my opinion. And here I refer to dating as having started meeting up and communicating somewhat regularly.

Well, it depends on your definition of a date.

For me, I consider face-to-face meetups a date. So for example, I have sent messages to Jenny on a dating website, and after x-number of messages, I decide to give her my phone number to text. When I get her full name, I do a little bit of "research" via Facebook.

If she's legit, I then text her more to set up a date for coffee or lunch/dinner.

I have gone on a lot of these coffee or lunch/dinner meetups. Some of our relationships last for only one face-to-face meet up and I never hear from the girl, or "she's too busy" so she rarely responds to my text messages (but honestly, I think she's not interested in me), or we slowly phase out and ghost each other (then I delete her phone number if I'm not really into her).

It feels kind of odd going on sooo many different get-together with women I've met online.

However, recently, I've had a severe drought of responses. I already cancelled my Zoosk account.

I am still keeping match.com account going, but doubt that I will get any serious relationships out of the girls I tend to meet on match.com.

They usually want to be "friends" (AKA the dreaded FRIENDZONE), and heck, I still have one female friend that I hang out with occasionally that I have met on match.com.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

"I already face the hurdles of having Asian females who prefer to marry white or non-Asian males. No other racial group have females who marry out/ sell out at a HIGH percentage. "

Well, that's what happens when your population takes over the world

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

Well, that's what happens when your population takes over the world

^^ the f--k is this? Very stupid statement.

 

[Restless soul]

Time flies even when you don't have fun

 

[Xpendable]

I remember this thread about this guy dating every weekend until he found a gf. I wonder if that worked out well.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Well, that's what happens when your population takes over the world

^^ the f--k is this? Very stupid statement.

As was your attempt at comparing Asian women to other women... But carry on. Maybe you should go for a white man.

 

[SofiasMami]

Sounds like you're making a decent effort towards meeting someone special, GrayandLonesome. Good luck to you and I hope things work out for you.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

As was your attempt at comparing Asian women to other women... But carry on. Maybe you should go for a white man.

^^ carry on, maybe you should STFU. lol  

---

Sounds like you're making a decent effort towards meeting someone special, GrayandLonesome. Good luck to you and I hope things work out for you.

Thank you, and God bless you, SofiasMami.

It's a hard journey, especially with online dating and even meeting women in real life. I also relocated to a new area (for my job), away from home, away from parents and former friends. It gets very frustrating and depressing when I come home, live alone, while my sister is married, my friend is married with kids, most of the young adult friends at church are married so they don't have time to hang out.

 

[Northern Lights]

The Asian men (as well as other non-Asian men) that I met before my (non-Asian) husband were rude, egotistical and and left me feeling disrespected. Should I have pursued relationships with these men just because they are Asian? There is more to compatibility than race and looks. People are not animals and just because you stick two people of the same race together in a room, it doesn't mean that they will instantaneously bond. If I was self-hating racist, I wouldn't have even agreed to meet with them in the first place. I would have married an Asian man if he was good to me and we were compatible but I did not meet such an Asian man. After my bad experiences, did I decide to discriminate against Asian men and think that they are awful? No, because I am not going to blame an entire race for the few bad apples that I encountered.

My personal experience with many minority men is that they expect to have the freedom to date women of all races but become upset when "their" women date men of all races. It's quite hypocritical, don't you think? Doesn't matter what the "sell-out" statistics are that you plan to pull out...because if you search up the definition of hypocritical, this train of thought is still hypocritical. You don't know the reasons why an Asian female would marry outside of her race - you can assume based on Google searches (which by the way, all sorts of losers have access to the internet to share their views as well...you can find all sorts of supporters for pro-racism, pro-abuse, pro-rape etc...re: the last one, a group of them actually planned to protest in my city to legalize female rape). Just because you find on the internet some fellow Angry Asian dude on the validating your "I can't get a date because I'm Asian" views or you find a blog of some self-hating Asian female insulting herself and other Asians...doesn't mean that this viewpoint is true for all Asian people. These examples are of people who are experts at self-victimization and have a very negative outlook that is hurting their lives. The worst part is the built-up misdirected anger causes them to be in constant denial and they only become more angry and hateful. These people are unwell and are obviously suffering from some sort of identity/ mental/ emotional trauma. These people are not the majority and if you fall into the trap of constant self-victimization you are truly hurting yourself. Also, this attitude is a huge turnoff for many people.

You don't need majority or thousands of messages from all women - you only need one. I've seen many "beautiful" people stay forever on online dating sites. These are the people that probably receive 100 messages or more a week/ month etc. yet they are still on there because they haven't found their "one" and they too are frustrated. The only woman worth your time is the one that pays attention to you and wants a meaningful relationship with you.

Finding a good partner is like winning the lotto...most people are divorced, lonely, in unhappy relationships etc. In my society, it is more common to hear about divorce than couples that are happily married for 40+ years. It's just reality. I know you are lonely and frustrated, but the only thing you can keep doing is trying. Stop blaming your dating problems on: 1) Asian women dating outside their race, 2) Non-Asian women not dating outside their race, and 3) your Asian race. The bottom line is you haven't met the right person and women do not owe you a date or their affection just as you do not owe anything to anyone that you are not interested in. You just have to keep persisting (stop victimizing yourself) and stay positive. Unsuccessful online dating can be exhausting at times - so take a break now and then to recharge. No one likes having unsuccessful dates but many people continue to persist because in the chance that they do succeed...the reward is great.

(Please stop complaining about Asians...come on man...do you think Asian men are the only ones having dating problems? Isn't there like 1.5 billion East Asians and we outnumber all other races? So clearly, Asian men are getting action...)

P.S. I may be coming off blunt but I really don't know how to better express my message. I mean well. I've blamed my race for many things in my life but at some point you have to look around and see people who are similar to you and yet they are succeeding. If they can, why can't you? I have people close to me that play the victims and it's really quite sad as they get older and wonder why people are fading away from them. Don't do this to yourself.

 

[Meaw]

Northern Lights... Amazing, well-written post with good thinking! *applauses*

 

[TheRealCallie]

It's not really that hard.  Replace "Asian" in your search with "black" or "white" or "Mexican" or whatever other race you want to fine.  If you can find it for Asians, you can find it for ANY race.  Why do you assume that Asians have all the problems?  I can assure you they don't. 
Stop blaming your race and find the real answer as to why people ignore you after the first date....

And sorry, I'm not a goner.  Deal with it.

^^ Callie, you're really full of crap. Seriously.

I already face the hurdles of having Asian females who prefer to marry white or non-Asian males. No other racial group have females who marry out/ sell out at a HIGH percentage.

White females, while they do date or marry out to black guys, the majority of them stay loyal to their white male counterparts.

Same definitely can be said for latina/hispanic females - they tend to stick together.

Read this stuff I've came across from Yahoo - posted by a self-hating Asian female who prefers to marry a white guy. It's the truth Callie, quit trying to bullsh-t your reasoning at me. This is why I'm frustrated.

*another convenient article that says exactly what I want it to, so that I can try to prove my point*

I'm not going to do the work for you, if that's what you think is going to happen.  I found quite a lot from a 2 second search of the internet.  If you wanted to find them, you would, but you won't because then you couldn't blame your race. 

Keep making excuses and you will be cuddling up with those excuses.  Stop making excuses and being rude to everyone that doesn't agree with you and maybe you can start finding what you are looking for.  I don't for one second believe that you come across offline much different than you do online (and that's true for everyone, IMO) so yeah, try working on yourself instead of blaming the world for supposedly being racist toward you.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You could try moving to a country that's more receptive to whatever you're looking for.
What will you do if you make that move and still don't have any luck?? What will you blame it on then?

 

[Restless soul]

You could try moving to a country that's more receptive to whatever you're looking for.
What will you do if you make that move and still don't have any luck?? What will you blame it on then?

How come I did not get banned?

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

^you could always PM Sci and ask him.

 

[Restless soul]

^you could always PM Sci and ask him.

Were you supprised?

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Could it be there is someone up there that likes me??