Others like me? need some advice

[motiv]

interesting how im reading so many people found this website by going on google and typing "i am lonely." I guess we're all something huh? to find ourselves here, kinda sad but at least its comforting to know others feel like this and im not alone.

A little about me, im a 23 year old guy living in WA state. Like most of you guys i feel alone. It was never like this, there was a time when i had a girlfriend, was in college and making many new friends who i grew very close to. Long story short my girlfriend cheated on me, and her being my first love and all (5 years together) kinda emotionally screwed me up. Well im lying, it did screw me up. I went on a slow depression, didnt get it treated because i thought i was man enough to deal with it. Ended up shutting the world, my friends, and family out for about 2 years (all while playing a online game called world of warcraft).

So then it came to time for me quit the game and im finding myself alone, no friends (or at least they think im busy), and not sure what to do with my life exactly. I look at myself and noticed not too long ago that im a complete and utter loser, the type of person my past self 2 years ago would spit on.

My social skills are complete crap, and i know im akward when it comes to making small talk now. Its depressing to know i can speak my mind more easily online then in real life.

Im overweight but i cant blame playing that game for it, im trying to change my eating habits and lifestyle so i can go back to my pre depression years but its sad to know im chasing my past.

Im alone. since that breakup i dont feel im ever up to meeting new girls to get into a close relationship like that ever again. But the problem is i want it. my ex was a pillar i leaned on, and since shes not there anymore i have felt more alone then ever, the kind of alone that i cant describe in words. Since i quit that warcraft game which was a distraction for me, i have felt more and more alone everyday. My old friends are still there, i dont talk to them much but i will. I yern for just 1 very close and personal relationship but i cant seem to find it.

I guess im asking others out there if they know this feeling and what they ended up doing if they has somewhat simular experiences. Im in some real need of advice right now so any help would be grateful.

-sorry if this post is a little abstract, im a little tired atm, hard to decribe feelings clearly when the feelings are not even clear to me

 

[jales]

wow i know exactly how u feel. wow, it was like me speaking there (except the relationship wasnt as long as 5 yrs). But we were really close.....i don't want to think about it now though. But trust me i know how u feel. U write well 2

 

[justjames]

So then it came to time for me quit the game and im finding myself alone, no friends (or at least they think im busy), and not sure what to do with my life exactly. I look at myself and noticed not too long ago that im a complete and utter loser, the type of person my past self 2 years ago would spit on.

I think you need to be a bit less judgemental about yourself - you must realise there are legitimate reasons for you being the way you are right now. If you just forgive yourself for handling you breakup in a way you don't feel proud of, and draw a line under it, you start to stand a chance of moving on.

No one deserves to be spat on for having social difficulties, so I hope you don't really mean that.

I know exactly how you feel, and I know the only way to get your life back is to forgive yourself. It's good that you used to have some self esteem (some people aren't so lucky) because all you need to think is along the lines "i used to be proud of myself, so there's no reason I can't be that kind of person again".

Whenever I find myself thinking I'm a worthless piece of honeysuckle that doesn't even deserve to try and redeem myself, I've learnt to snap myself out of it by thinking that it isn't my own reasoning that's making me think that, it's just a bad feeling putting poisonous thoughts in my head, and I don't have to listen to it. I just think, if I listen to that "voice", and wallow in hatred, then it's right. But If i ignore it and just give myself the benefit of the doubt and try to be a decent person anyway, I may be able to prove it wrong.

My social skills are complete crap, and i know im akward when it comes to making small talk now. Its depressing to know i can speak my mind more easily online then in real life.

i used to be like that - then i figured out the trick - if you have nothing to say to someone, just ask them questions. Ask them what they've been up to, then whatever they say just make polite remarks and ask more questions till the conversation either dries up or manages to kickstart into something with more substance.

also people like have attention paid to them, so if you make them feel like you are interested in them they'll often like you pretty much straight away. like i said sometimes it doesnt work but the more practice you get the more fluid it becomes. and even if the conversation turns out to be boring at least you get a little tweak of self respect from knowing you made someone else feel good about themselves for 5 minutes.

and EVERYONE finds it easier to speak online than in real life so you don't need to be bothered by that. it's just human psychology.

Im overweight but i cant blame playing that game for it, im trying to change my eating habits and lifestyle so i can go back to my pre depression years but its sad to know im chasing my past.

you're thinking about it all wrong; you arent chasing your past - you're making your future better. You're setting yourself up for your post-depression years. Let go of the past and realise that you dont have to go backwards in time to be happy. I know it's a easy to fall into the trap of thinking like i have to "undo" this depression therefore i must go backwards. but isnt like that - you dont have to erase the past, just let go of it.

Im alone. since that breakup i dont feel im ever up to meeting new girls to get into a close relationship like that ever again. But the problem is i want it. my ex was a pillar i leaned on, and since shes not there anymore i have felt more alone then ever, the kind of alone that i cant describe in words. Since i quit that warcraft game which was a distraction for me, i have felt more and more alone everyday. My old friends are still there, i dont talk to them much but i will. I yern for just 1 very close and personal relationship but i cant seem to find it.

i know exactly how you feel; all i can say is the way i learnt to deal with that is to accept that it isn't going to happen straight away, and to try to figure out other ways to feel better about yourself and your life while you are waiting to meet the right person. You need to be comfortable with yourself to have the confidence to find the person you want. I know it's hard though but what choice does any of us have.

the other really important thing to understand is that you aren't a complete and utter loser. You just feel like you are. And I find that when i feel like a loser, it starts to make me act like one. Then I realise what I'm doing and just see the feelings for what they are and IGNORE them. Then pretty soon they go away. The more often you do that, the easier it becomes.

I hope some of that makes sense.

 

[Elaeagnus]

Ended up shutting the world, my friends, and family out for about 2 years (all while playing a online game called world of warcraft).

So then it came to time for me quit the game and im finding myself alone, no friends (or at least they think im busy), and not sure what to do with my life exactly.

I'm glad you quit playing warcraft! I've actually known quite a few people who play that game, and for most of them it's a fun hobby. But I knew one person who let it totally take over his life. He lost his job, dropped out of school, spent all his days sitting at home in front of the computer... I'm not sure what happened to him- I haven't seen him in about a year.

Anyway, I think you are on the right track. You made a positive change, and you're looking for help by reaching out to us in this forum.

Do you have a job or go to school? If you do focus on that, and try to find some new hobbies. Ones that have time limits are good because they won't take over your life (eg. you can only bike during the daylight, you could join a book group that meets once a week).

 

[motiv]

thanks justjames for the advice, i guess ive always been pessamestic (however you spell it) and reguardless how i end up losing weight and stuff i will always view it has "catching up with my past."

Unfortunetly if i did get on some kinda time machine go back a few years and told myself how i was going to end up, my past self would probaby spit on me, then i would have proceeded to commit sucide. Thing is i am terribily embarassed how my life has turned out thus far, to the point where if i have to deal with school, work, money, problems i would ignore them and hope they would go away (im changing that additude now but quite a bit of damage has been done already). Im making changes now and im commited to do things right this time around but thsi past stuff really just haunts me to no end. But i will admit you are right and even though i dont reconize it yet, i am making changes now for a better future and i guess thats the driving factor for me atm.

As for social skills, yea i would agree with you, and ill try it but problem is when i talk to most people they usually talk about things i have no clue about. For example a co-worker showed me a picture of his car, to me its just a car, but he was quite proud that he installed some converter or whatever the hell it was and proceeded to tell me all about it, truth is i dont know anything about cars besides the basics, then other conversations about certain music- and so on about topics i dont have any knowledge of. However if it was about WoW, somethign i said i spent 2 years in then sure ill have hours upon hours of geek and nerd talk right there, and i have yet to meet a wow player randomly irl. Any advice on that?

ill take your advice to heart justjames and i thank you for responding to me

As for Elaeagnus, yea i think quitting wow was a good step for me. I think what made the game so attractive is that if you real life sucks that virtual life makes for a much better replacement for sure (mentally). I mean in the game i felt i could do allot more for someone then irl. in the game i was a leader and in the game i felt others looked up to me, relied on me to show up on time for events (raiding). Something i didnt feel since my breakup, WoW gave me some of those feelings back i guess. Anyways enough of that.

Yes i have a job, i work partime at UPS (early morning 3am) ironically i got that job at 3 am because it didnt cut into my gaming time (which should tell you readers how freaking addicted i was to this game). Also UPS has some nice benifits like 3000 bucks per quarter to cover for school, something which i planned to use in time as well as covering insurance for myself. So i guess i got a little luck working there atm.

And this summer i will be attending school, granted at a community college but its better then nothing. as for a career i havent decided for sure yet. As for hobbies its hard to find any. i really dont have any interest except that **** game and ever since i quit, its like nothign really interest me. even other games (they just dont compare to WoW and i get bored) all i do now is.... wel nothing.. any advice?

 

[lonelygirl]

Well I know a guy who is addicted to WOW. You are't the only one. The social life and romantic life really suffers. It's very hard to get out of. That's why I don't allow gaming systems or computer games in my home, personally--because they are addictive.

 

[downgrade]

Well I know a guy who is addicted to WOW. You are't the only one. The social life and romantic life really suffers. It's very hard to get out of. That's why I don't allow gaming systems or computer games in my home, personally--because they are addictive.

Yea, game addictions are hard to get out of. I tried to cold turkey WoW 4 times (deleting my characters, giving away my account, etc), and it took 2 years to finally stop. That game nearly made me blind (I played, over the summer, for about 16-18 hours per day, every day). I had stopped for a while, then started over, and kept doing that for the 4 times. Finally it had gotten old and I just... Stopped. The only time I would do something other than WoW is if it was totally necessary to me, like working to get money for WoW. My school grades dropped about 10 points, too. I brought them back up, though.

 

[justjames]

jesus, i was a total gameholic (till i ran out of money a couple of years ago) and i've avoided WOW like the plague because everyone seems so obsessed with it. I've never known anything like it - i invited this bunch of guys to a party round my house at christmas and they were all WOW players, and they just spent the entire party talking about ******* WOW even while the rest of us were screaming along to "anarchy in the UK" at 100decibels at the other end of the room.

it just seemed to suck up their entire conciousness. i glad i burned out on RPG's with final fantasy 6 on the SNES. i put 40 hours into that game when i was 16 and maxed out all the stats and that seemed freaking excessive. i tried playing FFVII on the PSX when it came out but i got half way through the first disc and thought "i cant sit through this honeysuckle again just to watch some numbers slowly increase".

i can see how mixing the leveling up thing with actual social interaction would work, so i just thought NO. I've sat through this honeysuckle before. I wont do it to myself again.

i said to the guys at the party as they were bragging about their stats, i've decided to level up something in real life, like my bank balance. I've spent the last 3 years grinding and now i'm a level 40 comic shop owner. Another 10 levels and i might actually get minimum wage out of it

but i do sympathise with your position - what i'm saying is, try transposing the attraction of WOW onto some real task, that you'll look back on and be proud of. i think it will work out in the end.

also, a general point; it's really important not to cave in when something doesnt work. even if you totally screw up some attempt to do something positive just pick out what you can learn from the mistake and try again or try something else. Ignore the little voice of defeat in your head. Everyone screws up half the stuff they do. EVERYONE.

 

[Elaeagnus]

On the subject of gaming addiction, here's something that might help people who are just starting to have a problem: only play the video game while you are exercising. I used to do this in college. I got really into some of the Final Fantasy games, and they started taking up to much of my time. So I made a rule for myself that I would only play while I was riding my stationary bike or doing some other workout activity (leg lifts and crunches mostly). That pretty much limited me to an hour a day. Like I said, this is really advice for people who aren't addicted yet. I don't think it will help the people who have totally given over there life to a game or who are struggling after having quit. Although I do find that exercise is a good way to waste some time when I'm wallowing.