Platitudes

[IambicBlonde]

I'm guilty of doing what I'm about to describe: reading someone's post, being moved by how articulate it was or how heartfelt it seemed, then in an attempt to express that, reply with a bunch of platitudes that really only serve as a soapbox of my thoughts to make me feel better; despite my intentions to be helpful to the poster. So my question to you all is: has anyone ever posted a question to the forum and read a response that actually helped them? I'm sure there are. But can anyone specifically relate an experience.

I realize one of the purposes of this forum is as a sounding board for us all to take comfort that we're not alone. But, I don't know, I just roll my eyes when people say things like, "believe in yourself" or "love yourself". As if the person is going to read that, say those things to themself and voila! Problem solved! I know people are trying to help, but you have no idea (or maybe you do) how frustrating it is trying to articulate one's problem then only get back a platitude that is in no way specific or helpful, and usually comes off as condescending.

My favorite though? Some of the introductions where people say hello and lay out their painful stories, then only get back a, "hello! welcome to the forum" with a stupid smiley face, lol. Seriously?

 

[hopsfox]

Sometimes folks needs to tell about something and do not expect problems to be solved. Having felt that you are being noticed and listened to is one way to feel better initially even if as you say it doesn't solve any problems. Sometimes I think folks on these forums write pm's after an initial hello and welcome. Sometimes people write about their problems and one can relate closely and even suggest specific problem solving actions. Like joining a volonteer organization. Like being able to measure how you are doing with your shyness. Helping to overcome shyness by appearing in a podcast and many more examples.

 

[Barbaloot]

I'm not quite sure what you expect. I can fully admit that I often do this, but in my experience on the forum, a lot of people aren't looking for advice, they are looking to vent. There are no magic words I can offer them that will suddenly change their perspective on the world or themselves, but sometimes there's value in just knowing that someone is actually reading what they are writing, even if they refuse to acknowledge any advice given within their responses. I've seen a lot of members on this forum who really genuinely try to help people, write lengthy responses to their problems only to have it ignored, rejected, or result in an argument. And there are only so many times you can say "find a therapist" and actually have someone think it's a great idea, there are only so many responses you can give to someone's suffering.

Sometimes just being acknowledged is the best we can do, even if our advice is lame. Even if it's not helpful. I would like to think it's better than simply saying nothing and completely ignoring the poster all together.

 

[floffyschneeman]

Sometimes folks needs to tell about something and do not expect problems to be solved. Having felt that you are being noticed and listened to is one way to feel better initially even if as you say it doesn't solve any problems. Sometimes I think folks on these forums write pm's after an initial hello and welcome. Sometimes people write about their problems and one can relate closely and even suggest specific problem solving actions. Like joining a volonteer organization. Like being able to measure how you are doing with your shyness. Helping to overcome shyness by appearing in a podcast and many more examples.

+1

I'm not quite sure what you expect. I can fully admit that I often do this, but in my experience on the forum, a lot of people aren't looking for advice, they are looking to vent. There are no magic words I can offer them that will suddenly change their perspective on the world or themselves, but sometimes there's value in just knowing that someone is actually reading what they are writing, even if they refuse to acknowledge any advice given within their responses. I've seen a lot of members on this forum who really genuinely try to help people, write lengthy responses to their problems only to have it ignored, rejected, or result in an argument. And there are only so many times you can say "find a therapist" and actually have someone think it's a great idea, there are only so many responses you can give to someone's suffering.

Sometimes just being acknowledged is the best we can do, even if our advice is lame. Even if it's not helpful. I would like to think it's better than simply saying nothing and completely ignoring the poster all together.

+1

---

I think you got your answers.

 

[Ashariel]

Well I for one found your recent comment to me very kind and thoughtful - so I would say that any attempt at reaching out to someone is appreciated!

I struggle with the same doubts myself though, when I try to think what I could possibly say that would help someone else. Because 99% of the time you truly can't solve the person's problem, or offer a suggestion that they haven't already tried before. I agree with some of the above comments, that in the end, people just want to be heard, and not have to bottle it all up inside. The internet is great for letting stuff out anonymously, that we don't want to say to anyone in real life!

I would agree though, that responding to a long and heartfelt entry with a short, glib platitude ("Just keep smiling and eventually rainbows will appear!") - is generally not helpful... Haha

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sometimes just being acknowledged is the best we can do, even if our advice is lame. Even if it's not helpful. I would like to think it's better than simply saying nothing and completely ignoring the poster all together.

+1

 

[IambicBlonde]

So... no one can relate a specific experience then. Yeah, I got my answer, lol.

 

[Barbaloot]

So... no one can relate a specific experience then. Yeah, I got my answer, lol.

Glad we helped then.

 

[HappyYogi]

It is annoying even though it is meant well. Platitudes come too easy after someone has opened up about real pain. And if it were that easy, would the platitude be even necessary? No.

You could be the leader as an example. Have a thoughtful response. Dont' give easy answers. Listen...and just sympathize.

By the way, I also hate the "love yourself" one because it's so hard to just do it. If you are feeling bad there is no way you can "love yourself". I like "self compassion" and "being gentle" with yourself...those are more doable.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You know what platitudes tell the other person?

"I did not listen to what you said and I don't really care about what you just said."

 

[floffyschneeman]

''love yourself'' is probably something that could help anyone suffering from loneliness. Because if you love yourself, you'd always strive to be a better person each day. Little by little. But sadly, it is also something that no one can help one to achieve. Cos the person has to figure that for himself. It's hard but not impossible, if people would just focus on solving their problem, and not just hating everyone, including themselves, and everything. It is something that one person can only remind you.

The mere fact that someone replied to a comment, offering as best as they can, is I think something to be hopeful about this forum. Even if the goal is not to really help the person, but just to be there for them or be here in this forum which helps a lot of people. The thing is... people here are not experts on self improvement... they just try their best to keep each other support and company. If everyone are such good advisers here... this forum wouldn't have existed.