progressing from acquaintance to friend

[ensom]

Hi everyone. There's something that's been bothering me for awhile. Despite being able to have perfectly amicable (and mostly non-awkward) interactions with others, why can't I make friends?

It's like this: I chat with a person on multiple occasions but it just never progresses from there. this applies completely to classmates. I'll have a good conversation with someone in one of my classes but then go multiple weeks seeing that person in class with us never talking to each other. And when we do talk it never really goes beyond acquaintance-esque topics (how are assignments, how do you find the class, etc.)

Needless to say, we never interact outside of class. never exchange texts, emails, call each other, or anything else friends do.

I guess I'm just not interesting enough. I know I could address this problem by seeking those people out and initiating the conversation, but thats difficult to do with my anxiety. And in my mind I wonder why must I be the one to start the conversation? Is it because they don't think I'm worth talking to? I know that's flawed thinking... but even though i can rationalize it i never change my behavior.

Sigh... I don't know whajt I'm looking for with this post. tips, just being told someone can relate. maybe just need to vent. Thanks for reading.

 

[Felix]

Well in my experience I made friends in college by going to eat something after class. If you feel like you are getting a long with a group of people, you could propose going somewhere to eat or drink. Everyone's got to do it! And you can get to know them better and be friends soon if you get to do it.

You could also try study in groups or doing some other activity like sports. If you and they like it, going to clubs. You should always check to see what they like... in a subtile way, some people might not like to be asked directly, awlays make your proposals like it's no big deal.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Depends on how available you make yourself. I was afraid of going to college because none of my friends were going to the same school, except for one guy that used to pick on me. That was nerve racking. My brother went to the same school but our schedules didn't always mesh. At first I talked to people in the class, I wasn't one to initiate conversation at first, I was too shy too. I ate lunch in the lunch room by myself. Sometimes they would be there too and we'd just sit together. Eventually it progressed where we'd hang out together. Sometimes we'd cut classes and just go somewhere. One time a friend who was a bit of a tomboy talked me into cutting class and going to Toy's R Us with her, which never took much coaxing. I ended up with a circle of friends, went to my first bar with them and had a lot of fun. BTW one of those friends ended up being the guy who picked on me in high school.

It just either happens or doesn't. Sometimes it's as simple as asking what they are doing at lunch. Most importantly though, you have to be yourself or those friends won't be worth it.

 

[HappyYogi]

Obviously I am on this board and not good at this but I would say this.

To have any kind of relationship and/or to have it progress further little risks need to be taken. In terms of friendship that would mean asking them to lunch or another activity AND sharing a little something about yourself that is personal and see how they respond.

You do this in increments and watch for their response. If they appear reasonably enthusiastic about going to lunch with you then it's a good sign. If they appear interested in your life and your sharing and opt to share a bit themselves, that is also a good sign that they are interested as well.

Conversely, if they make excuses, hem haw about going out well there is your answer. Ditto if they don't listen well, don't seem to care about what you are sharing, then you got your answer there too.

Little risks and watching and listening carefully for their response. That would be my advice.

 

[ensom]

Thanks guys. Some good tips... wish I could just find the confidence to put them into action.

Definitely what I've come to realize talking to a therapist is the need to take risks, like HappyYogi mentioned. I am quite reserved after first meeting someone and that makes me a less attractive option as a friend it seems.

It's pretty frustrating... having a ton of acquaintances and none of them ever morphing into friends makes you question yourself a lot, you know? why am I not friend-material to these people? I understand not everyone can be good friends due to different personalities, etc., but I just seem to be compatible friendship-wise with so few people.

Bah. whatever. I'll keep working at it.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Ensom, I think that you will have to try and pluck up the courage to initiate conversation with people, because not doing so is not giving you the results you want, need and deserve. It IS hard when you feel that you have to always be the one to do it, but if the choice is between staying where you are now or pushing yourself to begin conversations which could hopefully lead to friendships, then the latter has to be preferable.
I know I have found that often I have to do the initiating and it makes me feel that I must be very overlookable/boring looking, but my loneliness pushes me to take this step.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Just say: "I enjoyed this conversation, can I join you for lunch after class?"

Then go from there.

 

[ensom]

Hi Ensom, I think that you will have to try and pluck up the courage to initiate conversation with people, because not doing so is not giving you the results you want, need and deserve. It IS hard when you feel that you have to always be the one to do it, but if the choice is between staying where you are now or pushing yourself to begin conversations which could hopefully lead to friendships, then the latter has to be preferable.
I know I have found that often I have to do the initiating and it makes me feel that I must be very overlookable/boring looking, but my loneliness pushes me to take this step.

I think this is the key. Waiting around for people to approach me certainly hasn't been effective, and I think I've given this sorry method more than enough time.

I guess I am just resentful of always being the one to have to initiate. Like you said, I feel I must just look boring.

Another annoyance related to this is facebook. I'm always the one to send friend requests rather than receiving them, even if I've spent a lot of time with a person and certainly could be considered "friends" by facebook standards. I know they can find me on there if they wanted to. I'm so forgettable.

 

[haiwutzup]

Just say: "I enjoyed this conversation, can I join you for lunch after class?"

Then go from there.

avoid pre-written lines IMO

just hold onto the general formula and let things flow

(EXPRESS ENJOYMENT OF INTERACTION)

+

(INDICATE OFFER TO CONTINUE INTERACTION WITHOUT EMPHASIS)

 

[ronery]

Hi everyone. There's something that's been bothering me for awhile. Despite being able to have perfectly amicable (and mostly non-awkward) interactions with others, why can't I make friends?

It's like this: I chat with a person on multiple occasions but it just never progresses from there. this applies completely to classmates. I'll have a good conversation with someone in one of my classes but then go multiple weeks seeing that person in class with us never talking to each other. And when we do talk it never really goes beyond acquaintance-esque topics (how are assignments, how do you find the class, etc.)

Needless to say, we never interact outside of class. never exchange texts, emails, call each other, or anything else friends do.

I guess I'm just not interesting enough. I know I could address this problem by seeking those people out and initiating the conversation, but thats difficult to do with my anxiety. And in my mind I wonder why must I be the one to start the conversation? Is it because they don't think I'm worth talking to? I know that's flawed thinking... but even though i can rationalize it i never change my behavior.

Sigh... I don't know whajt I'm looking for with this post. tips, just being told someone can relate. maybe just need to vent. Thanks for reading.

I totally understand this! I have 100's of acquaintances but 0 people I consider true friends! It just never seems to progress, I think people are very clique-sh now days, that if you are not a part of there small social group than you are irrelevant to them. Maybe I just never really considered getting close to people of any strong importance.