Questions for the Women

[wallflower79]

Ignoring gossip and bitchiness, aren't you afraid a male friend might hit on you?

Seems to be the biggest barrier with male-female friendships.

I don't really worry about it much. Sometimes it is a problem that ends friendships, but usually not.

 

[ardour]

^I'm guessing you'd be a little wary around him though and suspicious about his motives for wanting to continue the friendship.

 

[TheRealCallie]

^I'm guessing you'd be a little wary around him though and suspicious about his motives for wanting to continue the friendship.

I wouldn't.  I would make it clear that it wasn't going to happen and move on from it.  If it happens again, I'd likely ***** at the guy and remind him.  If they really did care about me, regardless of the motives behind that care, they would respect my wishes.  If they were to continue to push the issue more than 3 times, I would likely tell them to gtfo.

 

[Paraiyar]

There's really no mystery there, ardour. Anyone who's scared or feel oppressed/offended by someone hitting on them is an idiot, you need the emotional development of a 10yo to deal with that situation.

I guess those situations can make me nervous cos I think I might mess them up but I'm guessing that's not what you meant by 'scared.'

 

[VanillaCreme]

^I'm guessing you'd be a little wary around him though and suspicious about his motives for wanting to continue the friendship.

I personally wouldn't be wary or suspicious. It would only be if he began acting like he was owed a relationship, would I back away from him. But I'd say that about pretty much any situation.

 

[DarkSelene]

^I'm guessing you'd be a little wary around him though and suspicious about his motives for wanting to continue the friendship.

Of course not, it's way easier for the friend who confessed feelings to be taken advantage than it is for the person who rejected them. I'd be concerned if my friend actually will be able to continue as just a friend or if by that point it's just sacrificing their feelings for my sake, because that hurts a lot and I wouldn't blame them for wanting to leave.
Life isn't a movie where some feelings become synonymous to ulterior motives and sabotage. haha

I guess those situations can make me nervous cos I think I might mess them up but I'm guessing that's not what you meant by 'scared.'

No, I meant scared in a self-preservation way or "I don't wanna deal with this honeysuckle" way.

 

[tdi200]

as crazy i may sound i do realize i have different kind of topics i have started on here, today here i am again asking for advice, long story short i do have a gf known her over 3 years she has daughter of 8 years old i accepted her as my own and she was doing things behind my back

last year August she cheated on me with a guy who she was talking online from facebook from years he was in another country she had told me about him when we first started talking i didnt take it seriously thought he is from 3rd world country chances are less that he will ever show up but i guess he moved to the country and they finally met and did their thing.

My gf did end up confessing after 3 days about what she had done showed me all the messages and gave me all social media passwords and told me all those years she was in touch with him and used to send him all kind of nude pictures and videos told me all the pictures and videos she used to send me she sent to him as well. i trusted her allot i never questioned her or checked her cellphone ever

The guy moved to this country probably 2 or 3 years ago and (during august 2017) he was around 500 miles away from the state she reside so he drove to her state to meet her now recently i checked the dudes facebook page and i can see he has moved in the same state where she resides.

my question is, i want to walk away i think the guy deserves her this man moved to this country got his degree and got a very decent job accomplished his goals that he was talking about when he was on other country, while on the other hand i moved into this country in 2009 i only have high school diploma and working at a warehouse (complete failure) that i cant even afford to stay on my own that i have to live with my parents.
she claims she only wants me and will do anything to fix the mess she has done to me and she will prove it that she can be a loyal gf and afford me to stay with her in her trailer. but i am so hurt inside i just cant let it go or forget about it.

specially now finding out the guy has moved in the same city as her i think i should walk away her daughter is very attached me to me but thats life she will get attached with her new bf as well .
my main reason to walkaway is that my gf deserves allot more and i think the guy who finished his education making decent money wil make my gfs like and her daughters life better i cant even afford to take them out for a vacation atleast he has his own house already and the gf and her daughter will be living in the house and not trailer plus my gf needs more kids and i dont need any kids as i am not ready plus i do not have kids of my own.

my gf and i live in the same state but different city and its like 50 Miles away from each other and we meet up during weekends.

i need help on how to talk to my gf about my decision and that she needs to let me go and get along with the guy she was talking to before as that guy deserves it as he had set up a goal and made it happen meanwhile i do not have any goals in my life. i am doing all this for the good cause for her happiness and well being of her kid as its obvious i was just a substitute while the guy was far i dont want to get hurt more as i know for sure he has motives and that is why he moved in to the same town as her i feel like they still talk behind my back and i dont want to get hurt

 

[TheRealCallie]

And what makes you think that this other guy can give her what SHE wants. It doesn't matter if he has a diploma or a good job or whatever else you have said. What matters is how SHE feels. What SHE wants. How you treat her, how he treats her. You are NOT a failure and it's not for you to decide what SHE "deserves."
If you don't want to be with her anymore because you don't trust her, THAT is why you should leave. Not some bullshit about how this other guy is better for her. You can't and don't know that. You don't know this guy AT ALL. What if he's abusive? What if he just wants to steal from her? How would you feel then?

As for the daughter, just because you two split doesn't mean you can't still see the child. It's ultimately up to her, of course, but there's no real reason you couldn't. I still let one of my ex's girfriends see my kids. They were together for 4 years, so she was a big part of their lives. I won't take that away from them just because of petty bullshit.

But, to reiterate. I do NOT think you should break things off. Talk to her about your concerns. If she says she wants YOU, believe her. If you don't trust her or don't love her, that is a reason to move on. Do NOT decide what is best for her, she's a big girl and can do that for herself.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

2 option

leave
kill the *****

lol

 

[DarkSelene]

You're that hard on yourself that you'll just brush off the fact that she cheated and walk away thinking she deserves more than you?

You should leave, but also try going to a therapist and talk about it because you need it.

 

[tdi200]

And what makes you think that this other guy can give her what SHE wants.  It doesn't matter if he has a diploma or a good job or whatever else you have said.  What matters is how SHE feels.  What SHE wants.  How you treat her, how he treats her.  You are NOT a failure and it's not for you to decide what SHE "deserves."  
If you don't want to be with her anymore because you don't trust her, THAT is why you should leave.  Not some bullshit about how this other guy is better for her.  You can't and don't know that.  You don't know this guy AT ALL.  What if he's abusive?  What if he just wants to steal from her?  How would you feel then?  

As for the daughter, just because you two split doesn't mean you can't still see the child.  It's ultimately up to her, of course, but there's no real reason you couldn't.  I still let one of my ex's girfriends see my kids.  They were together for 4 years, so she was a big part of their lives.  I won't take that away from them just because of petty bullshit.  

But, to reiterate.  I do NOT think you should break things off.  Talk to her about your concerns.  If she says she wants YOU, believe her.  If you don't trust her or don't love her, that is a reason to move on.  Do NOT decide what is best for her, she's a big girl and can do that for herself.

you do have a point to certain level but considering a man who moved to a strange country got his honeysuckle together proves allot of things its like fulfilling the dreams/goals i also had goals and dreams but they never made to realities.

for the daughter, thats not my biological daughter i highly doubt she will even want to ever see me if i break up with her mother, reason why it feels like she is attached to me is because the attention and materials she gets from me all this years she still trying to find her biological dad in me. her dad favorite color music and food is my favorite thats how she takes me as.

she does claim she wants me but she is not looking at the bigger picture all this years she was doing her thing behind my back with this guy so highly doubt he is abusive plus my gf family cant stand me they hate me so much that i can feel the hatred when i am around them they laugh at me the way i talk because of my accent and make joke about it

what even worst is that all this time her family knew about the guy she was talking to

---

2 option

leave
kill the *****

lol

option 1 sounds better as option she used it on me already lol

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, he moved and accomplished things. Why can't you still accomplish things? You can ALWAYS better yourself. The only thing stopping you is you. Yes, there is financial things that get in the way sometimes, but there's usually ways around some of them....such as school, that's what students loans and grants are for.
Just because he did those things does not mean he's a good guy or that he is better for her than you are. I don't think you are looking at the big picture. I think you are putting yourself down because he did a few more things than you did and that makes you feel inferior.

So, the big question here is....do you trust her or do you have doubts about what she is saying in regards to the relationship between her and the other guy?

 

[tdi200]

You're that hard on yourself that you'll just brush off the fact that she cheated and walk away thinking she deserves more than you?

You should leave, but also try going to a therapist and talk about it because you need it.

I wish i could go see a therapist but i do not have insurance, i may be hard on myself but i was hurt allot i couldnt believe the person who i trusted the most will ever do this to me the only think i can come up is that she deserves more than me all these years she was talking behind my back and talking honeysuckle about me i seen the message where she claims that i am nothing like him. she deleted some of the messages but seen few it killed me inside

 

[DarkSelene]

You know what, it's not easier to kick yourself as an unworthy person than to accept that you made a mistake by trusting someone like that. Someone who can be with someone, have their child bond with that person, have your entire family knowing that person and still openly cheat and deceive like she did... that's a *word removed* in my book.
I don't care if I don't have the full story or if you did something wrong -- unless you also cheated on her, you didn't deserve any of this.

Things end and she could've opened herself up to like this guy more and more, which I still think is wrong, but she could've done it in a proper way without humiliating the honeysuckle out of you. Don't kick yourself in the nuts for the sake of this *****, maybe you were a little blind or maybe she was that good at hiding, I don't know, but you sure as hell didn't deserve it and she sure as hell didn't have a reason to deal with it in this manner.

 

[tdi200]

no i never cheated on her because i trusted her so much  yes i didnt deserve all this till today every morning i wake up with anger in myself and  i keep on asking myself why she did this to me one my co-worker did mention because i am way too naive plus i lived a sheltered life and that has played a huge factor into this. you are **** right she was good at hiding plus i trusted her i never ever checked her phone even at times i would see her phone next to me but never ever bothered to check it

@TheRealCallie no i dont trust her my gut feeling is saying that she will do the same thing again since the guy already moved and is in the same town as her
you mentioned Why can't i accomplish things?
i cant because i have been struggling with depression and anxiety i dont feel like doing anything at all considering i am working for 8 years in a warehouse at same position no promotion or any kind of progress that right there proves everything that i am not capable of succeeding its beyond my reach and yes seeing other people progress makes me feel inferior

 

[TheRealCallie]

@TheRealCallie Away no i dont trust her my gut feeling is saying that she will do the same thing again since the guy already moved and is in the same town as her
you mentioned Why can't i accomplish things?
i cant because i have been struggling with depression and anxiety i dont feel like doing anything at all considering i am working for 8 years in a warehouse at same position no promotion or any kind of progress that right there proves everything that i am not capable of succeeding its beyond my reach and yes seeing other people progress makes me feel inferior

Then you need to break up with her, but NOT because you think you are inferior to this other guy.  You aren't.  SHE is inferior to YOU because of what she did.  The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is, in my experience, almost always true. 
You've had a job for 8 years, look at it that way.  Not what kind of job, but simply a job.  That's a good thing.  I always wanted to be a lawyer.  Never made it to college.  Now I'm a single mother raising two kids working two jobs at home.  Did I accomplish my dreams?  No, but life changes, priorities change.  I do still have hopes of taking some college courses, but I am no longer looking to be a lawyer.  I'm thinking something in social work maybe.  So yeah, it doesn't matter how long it's been or what you have been doing.  What matters is finding a way, changing plans when life happens.  It's flexible and it's never too late.  
As for your depression and anxiety keeping you from your goals.  Start slow.  Find a way to get the ball rolling, you will be amazed how much that will help with both of those issues.  Do something for yourself, you deserve that.

 

[tdi200]

i do need to break up with her but also i dont want to make her feel bad and thats the whole reason i asked for help here, i need an idea how to tell her on my decision and suggest her to get back with the man she cheated on me with for a better future i want to make her feel like i am not achieving goals in my life and that is why i am breaking up with her plus the other dude already stays in same town and is ready to start relation with her anytime . lord knows they probably doing their things behind my back after the incident of august i have felt terrible an insecure.
@TheRealCallie thank u allot of listening and encouraging me may be one day i will get on the path and so something with my life

also needs to be noted that i am 29 years old and that was my very fist gf and i have started to think that guys without kids should only date ladies without kids as well

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you don't want to tell her it's because you don't trust her, just simply tell her you don't think it's going to work out and don't give her a reason. But, don't tell her it's because the other guy is more deserving of her.

If it helps, I have kids and I would never cheat on anyone. If I felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere so much so that I would look to someone else, I would break up with the guy.

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tdi200, would you get into a relationship with someone if you knew they already had a boyfriend?

 

[tdi200]

yea will go that route, but also i have already sent messaged the guy and told him i am about to break up with her and he gotta do what he gotta and he seemed to be very happy about it and told me i he got this since i have my gf access to facebook and other social media i made sure he is unblocked so it looks all natural for him i know i sound pathetic but it is what it is

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and NO i would NOT get into relation with someone if I knew they already have a boyfriend

 

[TheRealCallie]

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and NO i would NOT get into relation with someone if I knew they already have a boyfriend

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And that right there is exactly why you are a million times better than that guy.  Don't forget that.