so yesterday was his last day at work ever. Work was actually fine I was crying the whole night before because I knew it might be the last time I ever see him again. i know he doesn't like me but just the fact that i got to see his face was enough for me sometimes. But it was actually fine when I got there. He and I even talked a bit, just goofy small talk but at least it was something.
I used to be someone he had fun with. He used to smile at me, he used to say that he liked talking to me, once he even said he loved me, but I guess everything was a lie.
I know I was drunk last night by the time he got there, something I said I wouldn’t do again, but whatever I’m a fresia up. He stood as far as he could from me, I was practically yelling just to make small talk. When he got there his friend of a friend, whom I barely know put his arm around me and asked if I was alright, so I guess its obvious how upset I get that he doesn’t pay attention to me. I remember seeing the other people I knew walking away. I was left there and the only person I really knew was him, so when he said he had room in his car for one more I said I would go, because i didn't want to walk back with stangers. I’m sure he didn’t want me, but was too polite to say otherwise.
His car was pretty far, and the whole walk there I kept trying to tell him how sorry I was for everything last weekendlast weekend. How he didn’t sign up to deal with all this when he we started flirting. How it was terrible the way I treated him. He just kept telling me not to worry about it, but I feel so awful about the whole thing. He kept cutting me off mid sentence I never got to say to him the things I wanted to say. In fact he told me he didn’t want to ******* hear about it. I basically said nothing to him the rest of the walk he was trying to joke around making firework sound affects to break the tension but I was just not there anymore. I mean I know when it comes to him I have done so many things wrong and maybe I don’t even deserve to get his forgiveness, but the way he told me he didn’t want to ******* hear it crushed me. I know every time he sees me its one ******* emotionally draining experience after another. we accidentally brushed hands while walking back and he jerked away so quickly. I just wanted to cry so much. Once we finally got to the car I took the front seat without even asking the other people. The whole ride there I just stared at him, mostly because I figured it will be the last time I ever see his face again.
We got back to the to our friend's apartment, I decided to drink more. He basically wouldn’t even look at me. I make him so uncomfortable and it makes me feel like garbage. The whole night doesn’t really need to be detailed more than this, except for the fact that one of my friends showed up for a few minutes. I ran up to her and gave her a big hug. Not really thinking about the fact that he was standing right there I told her how I called her therapist, and how I was waiting back to hear from someone. At least he knows I’m seeking help I guess. It really doesn’t matter thought. He doesn’t love me or even like me. He doesn’t give a honeysuckle if I live or die.
i still have so much i want to say and so much i want to know about how he may have really felt about me. i feel like i'll never to be able to let this go until i know, that otherwise it'll keep gnawing away at me. but i don't know what to do. i think he might hate me and part of me thinks he wouldn't even pick up the phone if i called him.
despite the fact that i know i need to let go, all i still think about is how i wish something would happened for him to realize he wants me and that he wanted me all along. it'll never happened, but its that fantasy that gets me out of bed some days.
I used to be someone he had fun with. He used to smile at me, he used to say that he liked talking to me, once he even said he loved me, but I guess everything was a lie.
I know I was drunk last night by the time he got there, something I said I wouldn’t do again, but whatever I’m a fresia up. He stood as far as he could from me, I was practically yelling just to make small talk. When he got there his friend of a friend, whom I barely know put his arm around me and asked if I was alright, so I guess its obvious how upset I get that he doesn’t pay attention to me. I remember seeing the other people I knew walking away. I was left there and the only person I really knew was him, so when he said he had room in his car for one more I said I would go, because i didn't want to walk back with stangers. I’m sure he didn’t want me, but was too polite to say otherwise.
His car was pretty far, and the whole walk there I kept trying to tell him how sorry I was for everything last weekendlast weekend. How he didn’t sign up to deal with all this when he we started flirting. How it was terrible the way I treated him. He just kept telling me not to worry about it, but I feel so awful about the whole thing. He kept cutting me off mid sentence I never got to say to him the things I wanted to say. In fact he told me he didn’t want to ******* hear about it. I basically said nothing to him the rest of the walk he was trying to joke around making firework sound affects to break the tension but I was just not there anymore. I mean I know when it comes to him I have done so many things wrong and maybe I don’t even deserve to get his forgiveness, but the way he told me he didn’t want to ******* hear it crushed me. I know every time he sees me its one ******* emotionally draining experience after another. we accidentally brushed hands while walking back and he jerked away so quickly. I just wanted to cry so much. Once we finally got to the car I took the front seat without even asking the other people. The whole ride there I just stared at him, mostly because I figured it will be the last time I ever see his face again.
We got back to the to our friend's apartment, I decided to drink more. He basically wouldn’t even look at me. I make him so uncomfortable and it makes me feel like garbage. The whole night doesn’t really need to be detailed more than this, except for the fact that one of my friends showed up for a few minutes. I ran up to her and gave her a big hug. Not really thinking about the fact that he was standing right there I told her how I called her therapist, and how I was waiting back to hear from someone. At least he knows I’m seeking help I guess. It really doesn’t matter thought. He doesn’t love me or even like me. He doesn’t give a honeysuckle if I live or die.
i still have so much i want to say and so much i want to know about how he may have really felt about me. i feel like i'll never to be able to let this go until i know, that otherwise it'll keep gnawing away at me. but i don't know what to do. i think he might hate me and part of me thinks he wouldn't even pick up the phone if i called him.
despite the fact that i know i need to let go, all i still think about is how i wish something would happened for him to realize he wants me and that he wanted me all along. it'll never happened, but its that fantasy that gets me out of bed some days.
