Relationship struggles with mothers

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Jsos

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I called my mom for her birthday today to see how her day went. I had a long work day where I was swamped and didn’t get a chance earlier to call, so I called this evening.

First of all, I can’t stand silence over the phone so I’ll randomly spout off topics and talk to fill the empty space instead of ya know ending the call.

My mom and I don’t have the best relationship. She has no filter and can and does day mean things sometimes. She’s very judgmental and can be rude. She’s 55, but even at a younger age, she was like this. Even with this, we talk on the phone a few times a week for 30 minutes to an hour. Not everytime, but sometimes I’m left feeling like “why did I call or why did I answer if I know she’s going to get in her jabs about how she doesn’t agree with my lifestyle?”

It’s like she’s pushing to see if I fight back.
I don’t always stand up for myself but sometimes I do when I think she needs to be put in her place. If I get off the phone and feel worse after talking to her, why do I do it?

That’s where my mind is right now? Why call or why answer so often if talking with her makes me feel worse about myself?
 

Waldo P. Schmeer

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Hi. I would like to weigh in here.

If you are calling your mother and have a long work day, that means you have cultivated your own life for yourself. Its tough, because we tend to feel obligations to our families. Also, you always have love for them, no matter how dysfunctional things can be sometimes.

Forgive me for the temerity here because I don't know you or her. But reading this from the outside, it sounds like you may need to stand up to her at some point. Have you? Is there a point or conversation where you made her aware that this is how she makes you feel?

I'm asking because I am no stranger to what you describe here. But my saving grace was the fact that I too am a working person with my own life. And I came to become comfortable with the fact that I can block family just as fast as I can block anyone on social media. I have had to explain to family that I will disconnect with them if the disrespect continues. And truthfully, it doesn't matter if you're blood or not. If that person chooses to continue the behavior, the burden is on THEM to be a better person- whether they birthed you or not. You are a person just like anyone else out here in the world struggling and surviving. You don't deserve to be made to feel that way, especially after long work days where you have to adjust your behavior and be social the entire time. People underestimate how much energy that costs.

In either case, I hope for better for you and I hope that you can help your mother open her eyes to how unnecessary that behavior is because it just makes it seem as if "winning" over you is more important than a relationship with you.

I wish you peace.
 

Jsos

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Hi. I would like to weigh in here.

If you are calling your mother and have a long work day, that means you have cultivated your own life for yourself. Its tough, because we tend to feel obligations to our families. Also, you always have love for them, no matter how dysfunctional things can be sometimes.

Forgive me for the temerity here because I don't know you or her. But reading this from the outside, it sounds like you may need to stand up to her at some point. Have you? Is there a point or conversation where you made her aware that this is how she makes you feel?

I'm asking because I am no stranger to what you describe here. But my saving grace was the fact that I too am a working person with my own life. And I came to become comfortable with the fact that I can block family just as fast as I can block anyone on social media. I have had to explain to family that I will disconnect with them if the disrespect continues. And truthfully, it doesn't matter if you're blood or not. If that person chooses to continue the behavior, the burden is on THEM to be a better person- whether they birthed you or not. You are a person just like anyone else out here in the world struggling and surviving. You don't deserve to be made to feel that way, especially after long work days where you have to adjust your behavior and be social the entire time. People underestimate how much energy that costs.

In either case, I hope for better for you and I hope that you can help your mother open her eyes to how unnecessary that behavior is because it just makes it seem as if "winning" over you is more important than a relationship with you.

I wish you peace.

Thank you for your response! My mom and I have had these talks many times. She doesn’t usually take them seriously except on the rarest occasion and it’s usually because I’m too emotional when it’s happening. It’s like sometimes she gets it and other times she too wrapped up in herself to see that what she says hurts others.

I think she’s mildly narcissistic. Not totally though. She can be very selfish and self centered.

She’s the type of person to respond when someone says, “I’m tired,” she’ll say, “you’re tired? I’m more tired than you - for these reasons.”
 

CenotaphGirl

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Ugh I could go on for hours about my mother, she makes me feel the exact same way, you are not alone.

You feel so deflated after dealing with them… but you want a relationship so you push through. I hope you can find a good balance with her in the future 😇
 

TheRealCallie

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I think some people are just like that. Sometimes, they aren't even aware that they do that. As for mothers, though, I think they'll always try to "mother" you when they think it's necessarily. Mine doesn't, but well, that's another story entirely. And some people just make everything into a competition.

Is it always about the same things or just different things all the time?
 

When

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If I had been strong enough, I would have cut off my family entirely when I was eighteen, but by then, I was so emotionally damaged that I couldn't see who and what they were or the repeated trauma they were causing. I had a cousin who did exactly that - cut off her parents entirely when she was about that age - and I believe, being a very bright woman - she had or has a much better life for it. Narcissistic personality disorder is a very difficult problem to deal with, in as much as these people can be nice, which leaves their children in a constant state of anxiety, guilt and bewilderment with parents unpredictably horrible. I say parents because this disorder usually involves an enabler as a spouse.

I would caution anybody trying to please a "hard to please" person. As another poster stated, it's important that each individual recognize that he or she has a right to be treated respectfully, regardless of genetic ties. Thanks!!
 

9006

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Some people like this are just stuck in their ways. Personally I'd hate myself when the day comes where I couldn't call her knowing I avoided her when I could.
 

When

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Some people like this are just stuck in their ways. Personally I'd hate myself when the day comes where I couldn't call her knowing I avoided her when I could.
It's all a question of the degree within which a person can hurt another. In my experience, people who have had a solid foundation - meaning a loving/nurturing foundation - in their very early years, are better equipped to handle abusive behavior and tend not to internalize it as adults. But those who have suffered abuse and abandonment in their early, formative years are far more likely to internalize it, and attribute the abuse to their own shortcomings as individuals, and thus, blame themselves. As a result, their suffering and self-loathing is magnified - regardless of their age - every time they have an encounter or conversation that's mean-spirited or belittling by another.

"Stuck in their ways" is not a justification to demean others, including mean behavior of parents and siblings. It's an act of defiling another's spirit. We are all capable of lashing out, but habitual cruelty - as implied by "stuck in their ways" should never be dismissed or excused. Thanks!!
 

Nicolelt

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I called my mom for her birthday today to see how her day went. I had a long work day where I was swamped and didn’t get a chance earlier to call, so I called this evening.

First of all, I can’t stand silence over the phone so I’ll randomly spout off topics and talk to fill the empty space instead of ya know ending the call.

My mom and I don’t have the best relationship. She has no filter and can and does day mean things sometimes. She’s very judgmental and can be rude. She’s 55, but even at a younger age, she was like this. Even with this, we talk on the phone a few times a week for 30 minutes to an hour. Not everytime, but sometimes I’m left feeling like “why did I call or why did I answer if I know she’s going to get in her jabs about how she doesn’t agree with my lifestyle?”

It’s like she’s pushing to see if I fight back.
I don’t always stand up for myself but sometimes I do when I think she needs to be put in her place. If I get off the phone and feel worse after talking to her, why do I do it?

That’s where my mind is right now? Why call or why answer so often if talking with her makes me feel worse about myself?
Woah....do we have the same mother?
 

Jsos

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I think some people are just like that. Sometimes, they aren't even aware that they do that. As for mothers, though, I think they'll always try to "mother" you when they think it's necessarily. Mine doesn't, but well, that's another story entirely. And some people just make everything into a competition.

Is it always about the same things or just different things all the time?
It depends. Sometimes it’s the same stuff over and over and sometimes it’s new things.

No offense at all. I’m tired of hearing that she’s just “mothering” me. We’re way past that. I’m 36. There’s no need to treat me like a child and judge all of my choices. She’s also always in competition with me and everyone in our family. She’s emotionally immature and a hypocrite. Her and my dad divorced when I was 3. Now that im an adult and I’m also divorced, she said I’m not allowed to have a 2nd marriage before she has hers. She’s always in competition.
 

Lonely girl 28

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It sounds like you feel obligated & it might help to establish boundaries. The good news is with boundaries, you're in control over your end and that might help you feel better. ☺️ (Hope that makes sense.)

 

charlotte craig

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I called my mom for her birthday today to see how her day went. I had a long work day where I was swamped and didn’t get a chance earlier to call, so I called this evening.

First of all, I can’t stand silence over the phone so I’ll randomly spout off topics and talk to fill the empty space instead of ya know ending the call.

My mom and I don’t have the best relationship. She has no filter and can and does day mean things sometimes. She’s very judgmental and can be rude. She’s 55, but even at a younger age, she was like this. Even with this, we talk on the phone a few times a week for 30 minutes to an hour. Not everytime, but sometimes I’m left feeling like “why did I call or why did I answer if I know she’s going to get in her jabs about how she doesn’t agree with my lifestyle?”

It’s like she’s pushing to see if I fight back.
I don’t always stand up for myself but sometimes I do when I think she needs to be put in her place. If I get off the phone and feel worse after talking to her, why do I do it?

That’s where my mind is right now? Why call or why answer so often if talking with her makes me feel worse about myself?
My mother was like yours, in some ways worse but I won't bore you with all of that, like you I would speak so that there was not a silence of ending the call too quick. If I had rung my mother on her birthday she would have been furious and got very nasty with me if I did not do it first thing in the morning to wish her a nice day in advance. How did your day go would not have cut it for her and she probably would have sent me to coventry and not spoken to me for months if I did that. If I was very ill in hospital it would be the same. Everything was all about her.
 

Black Rose

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It's all a question of the degree within which a person can hurt another. In my experience, people who have had a solid foundation - meaning a loving/nurturing foundation - in their very early years, are better equipped to handle abusive behavior and tend not to internalize it as adults. But those who have suffered abuse and abandonment in their early, formative years are far more likely to internalize it, and attribute the abuse to their own shortcomings as individuals, and thus, blame themselves. As a result, their suffering and self-loathing is magnified - regardless of their age - every time they have an encounter or conversation that's mean-spirited or belittling by another.

"Stuck in their ways" is not a justification to demean others, including mean behavior of parents and siblings. It's an act of defiling another's spirit. We are all capable of lashing out, but habitual cruelty - as implied by "stuck in their ways" should never be dismissed or excused. Thanks!!
I would give you 2 thumbs up if I could. There is a lot of wisdom in these words.
 

charlotte craig

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I would give you 2 thumbs up if I could. There is a lot of wisdom in these words.
People who have been abused by parents/family - proper abuse - often find it hard to feel loved or trust others, or deal with "authority figures" when older - they feel intimidated by them because their family were their authority figures when young. They are used to feeling intimidated, scared, quiet, obedient when speaking to family and are then the same with others who appear in their life in a similar fashion.
 

charlotte craig

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It depends. Sometimes it’s the same stuff over and over and sometimes it’s new things.

No offense at all. I’m tired of hearing that she’s just “mothering” me. We’re way past that. I’m 36. There’s no need to treat me like a child and judge all of my choices. She’s also always in competition with me and everyone in our family. She’s emotionally immature and a hypocrite. Her and my dad divorced when I was 3. Now that im an adult and I’m also divorced, she said I’m not allowed to have a 2nd marriage before she has hers. She’s always in competition.
The bit about how she is mothering made me smile. People just do not get it! My mother was a total tyrant, demanding, nasty, selfish, abusive and spiteful. Yet whenever she did something deliberately cruel to me for her own satisfaction others would say oh she did not mean it, she meant well and all sorts of garbage. I remember when I was very young and had to speak to a professional about the way my mother was cruel to me. This naive professional told me that they would have a word with her and explain to her that her behaviour was abusive and cruel. This silly man got it into his head she did not realise it! She sort of did all of these nasty cruel things by accident!

They are blinded by the word mother, they get it into their head all mothers are kind to their kids. They do not understand that many are and some are not. They are also criticising YOU then because they are saying they know your mother better than you! How ridiculous is that? That is the same as saying you cannot sum up people you spend lots of time with better than they can sum up a person they have never been with for one second. Because you are what? Stupid? My mother was trying to dominate me and bully me, and be cruel to me, when I was 65 and totally independent. Yet people would still make excuses for her or insist it was just because of her age, when she had been that way since the day I was born.
 

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