Resigning to Singleness

[Lovely Smile]

This is kind of venting, kind of a question:

Background: So my father has been in the hospital for 2 weeks he had his 3rd stroke and has lost part of his right side, his left side is lost due to a previous one, I have an 8 yr old sister, no mom (left about 4 years ago) and a mentally disabled aunt. I'm commuting to school which is an hour away to get a degree in order to better all of our lives since I'm the one taking care of my family

Story: So I find out today from all the therapists that for a long while, maybe for the rest of his life, my father will be wheelchair bound. He can't grip with either of his hands anymore so it makes it very difficult for him to move around by himself which means he'll need help which the majority of it will come from me. I have been struggling maintaining any sort of relationship friend or more during this whole time. I understand my life if hard and that it's very demanding, I'm the one living it. But don't I deserve to find someone who loves me despite my situation. I sacrifice so much for my family and now I must sacrifice even more, when is it my turn to be loved?

How much would you sacrifice for someone you thought you loved?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

This is kind of venting, kind of a question:

Background: So my father has been in the hospital for 2 weeks he had his 3rd stroke and has lost part of his right side, his left side is lost due to a previous one, I have an 8 yr old sister, no mom (left about 4 years ago) and a mentally disabled aunt. I'm commuting to school which is an hour away to get a degree in order to better all of our lives since I'm the one taking care of my family

Story: So I find out today from all the therapists that for a long while, maybe for the rest of his life, my father will be wheelchair bound. He can't grip with either of his hands anymore so it makes it very difficult for him to move around by himself which means he'll need help which the majority of it will come from me. I have been struggling maintaining any sort of relationship friend or more during this whole time. I understand my life if hard and that it's very demanding, I'm the one living it. But don't I deserve to find someone who loves me despite my situation. I sacrifice so much for my family and now I must sacrifice even more, when is it my turn to be loved?

How much would you sacrifice for someone you thought you loved?

Wow. I'm so, so sorry things are like that for you right now. It sounds like you have it really tough

Strokes are absolutely awful things, my grandfather had one and not only did it have a devastating effect on him at the time, it also just totally scrambled the lives of everyone looking after him for nearly a year.

I'm assuming your social life really suffers? I pretty much didn't get out of the house when I was helping care for my grandfather for those six months, so I know how it feels :s

Rest assured that you have just the same kind of chance as everyone else at a relationship though, you just might have to wait until you have the time to forge one. I think these sort of circumstances put strain on a relationship perhaps, but a good person will stick with you regardless if you can put in a little bit of time for them every now and then.

 

[jjam]

Apparently I'd never abandon my family.
I just recently made 30, but my mother has been dependent on me financially for the past 5 years of my life. Even while I'd been away at school prior to that, I'd sent her money courtesy of loans. She's still here living in my apartment, not helping with bills, and I love her more than anyone else in this world.

Time is flying and I often think just having space would make a difference. It would be nice to invite someone over for a romantic dinner. I think I still have time for that, and I'm working towards something better. One thing I know about myself is I'm not a fan of living with regrets. Abandoning mom would lead to the biggest regret of all, therefore I can't allow it to happen. I know that's a selfish way of looking at it (and it's not the only way I'm looking at it, fortunately).

 

[kamya]

I would sacrifice a lot. How much would you sacrifice? Remember that is isn't required that you take on this burden all alone. You are choosing to. I'm not saying that it's wrong or a bad choice. It is voluntary though.

Do you have any grandparents or any kind of family at all? Try to get child support from your mother. Maybe try to get some better medical insurance and get your dad into some kind of nursing home. You can't take care of him by yourself with the way he is (the way it sounds at least). Either take care of your little sister, send her to live with your mom, or put her into some kind of foster care system. Try to get welfare,food stamps, or any kind of government help. Even if these things are temporary until you get your degree and can get a good job, it is still a good idea I think.

I've never been in a situation anywhere even close to what you have to deal with. I can't imagine what I would do because it just isn't something I've had to deal with at all. I don't feel that strongly for my family really. I would take care of them the best I could. But if it became too much for me to handle, I would get them put into homes. I don't really like my brother so he would be on his own. Hes though 19 so its not the same as if he was 8 or something. If he was 8 I would probably give him some guidance but he would mostly have to figure things out on his own. I would shelter and feed but for the rest he would have to learn how to take care of himself. Probably have him help take care of the dad too. I don't make much money so everyone would be on a diet of bread/peanut butter, beans, rice, and potatoes. Maybe some oatmeal for breakfast. That would really suck.

 

[Bread]

It depends if they love me back. Still, cannot say how much I could and would sacrifice, since I've never been in the situation where I would have to put myself into the line for the person I love.

 

[Chasm]

This is kind of venting, kind of a question:

Background: So my father has been in the hospital for 2 weeks he had his 3rd stroke and has lost part of his right side, his left side is lost due to a previous one, I have an 8 yr old sister, no mom (left about 4 years ago) and a mentally disabled aunt. I'm commuting to school which is an hour away to get a degree in order to better all of our lives since I'm the one taking care of my family

Story: So I find out today from all the therapists that for a long while, maybe for the rest of his life, my father will be wheelchair bound. He can't grip with either of his hands anymore so it makes it very difficult for him to move around by himself which means he'll need help which the majority of it will come from me. I have been struggling maintaining any sort of relationship friend or more during this whole time. I understand my life if hard and that it's very demanding, I'm the one living it. But don't I deserve to find someone who loves me despite my situation. I sacrifice so much for my family and now I must sacrifice even more, when is it my turn to be loved?

How much would you sacrifice for someone you thought you loved?

sounds like u have a lot on ur plate atm
spent yrs where u r right now
wasnt in school tho
couldve never done that
i just wonder if uve thought about how much thisll effect ur schooling
like i said
i spent yrs of my life doing this
if i had 2 do it all over again?
i wouldnt
it pretty much stopped my life
made me stronger yah
but stopped my life
n now i feel like im behind in life bcuz of it
i just would never give any1 yrs of my life like that again
c if u can build sum type of support system
this is really harder than it seems like til ur actually living it

 

[gelnn]

Depends on you man... I have sacrificed too much for my friends, but not for myself... end up wasting alot of time and not getting what i wanted... learnt my lesson and start to think and act for myself.

Deep down you may feel like leaving your family and be lifted from this burden... it is not cruel, I thought of that before... no offense to god, but sometimes, god screwed us over as his own amusement..

For me I decided to leave my family aside to achieve what I wanted in life... if I am to be condemned to hell for this, so be it...

For you, <sigh> sometimes, waiting is the solution until you problem is solved.

 

[Thrasymachus]

I have a corollary situation, but much more minor with my 80 year old grandmother. This is compounded because she does not know English or drive so I always have to obtain her medications interact with specialists, drive her and be present for her appointments and translate back to her. She has diabetes and high blood pressure and alot of secondary problems that stem from this. Alot of times I resent her honestly because she is like a child, not just in the standard way that is meant that when you are old your body fails and revert to a child like state. But she is impetuous mentally, she always gives orders to me and demands that I do them right away like I have nothing better to do.

I could go on, on how she vexes me by making her personal health problems in a large part mine to worry about as well, but I must also add I resent her mostly because she does nothing ever to take her health into her own hands. I have told her numerous times to stop using coffee with milk and bread as her morning meal because it spikes your insulin, it is a diuretic that dries your innards(and she often has constipation), the milk causes acidity in the body which is responded by the body releasing calcium from the bones(she has osteoporosis). She just wants to continue her poor lifestyle and diet and continue on with the crappy doctors who just give the medications and periodic surgical interventions to maintain her carcass in a poorly animated state till eventual expiration.

There is no such thing as inherent love, I love my grandma for example, but I also intensely hate her. This is normal because if you don't care about someone, if you don't have attachment to them, then they couldn't bother you, but since you care they are the people who cause you the most problems paradoxically. Sometimes I honestly ponder if she had a heart-attack should I call anyone or just let her expire? I knew this one women who had a wheelchair ridden husband who didn't want to live and he tried to kill himself several times, which reduced him to an almost total vegetative state, where she had to do everything for him. I don't think I could do that because unlike that women, I was never a positive, upbeat person.

If you are only 22, he is probably still not in his sixties. I know this is very unpopular with the allopathic medical orthodoxy most the hoi polloi believe about negative health conveniently being hereditary, but I don't care for popularity; if he had his third stroke already he must have a very poor diet and lifestyle. Health problems are not totally personally constituted, for example in Power and Powerlessness states that poverty and lack of social power constitute an indicator for more health complications because it means you have a depleted mental state, a constant anxiety in your life. There is this one former heart surgeon Dr Caldwell B. Esselstyn who now treats heart disease using a natural vegan diet instead by allowing people to continue their poor diet till they have strokes resulting in death or perhaps the need to have their chest ripped open in surgery. He has written a book, been in several documentaries, has a website and there are several videos of him on Youtube, Google Video, etc. I would advise to at least trying to broach with him that it is not fair for him to put his health solely on you as a personal burden when he will not shoulder any of it.

 

[ShybutHi]

But don't I deserve to find someone who loves me despite my situation. I sacrifice so much for my family and now I must sacrifice even more, when is it my turn to be loved?

How much would you sacrifice for someone you thought you loved?

My answer to this is YES. Despite your situation, there will be someone out there who can love you.
In my opinion the other things should not factor into it. You should love a person for who they are and not their situation. The person should also do what they can to help and they would if they love you and want to be with you, but ofcourse (and I expect you realise this anywa) it is not actively their duty to take over any activities you have to do due to your situation.
So many people out there just get with someone, or not, because of their situation which I think is a shame. A big example being a girl getting with someone just because they are popular, maybe famous or/and have alot of money or a flash car. That is just so wrong in my opinion either way.

If I liked a girl and found out that she had a busy and demanding lifestyle due to things such as what you described, I personally would just do what I can to help especially if it was wearing her down. Ofcourse be there to comfort her and help if things get too much.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Why not just put him in an assisted living facility? There comes a time in your life when you have to decide what you want to do. I am not that close with my family so I would have no problem just leaving him.

It is your life and you can choose to live it how you please. I say pretend there is no such thing as modern medicine. What would have happened then?