self-disgust

[ahaikulife]

I often find myself so disgusting, so horrible, so unlikeable, that I sabotage any chances at ever forming friendships. I am afraid that, or, I feel that, by spending time with somebody, I will only end up hurting them (not physically), so I avoid contact with others because I do not like upsetting others, or letting others down. I often think that people see me as stupid, odd, a weirdo, or just plain and simply somebody you don't want to be around. I am not sure why I think that. I know I'm not stupid, but I tell myself I am... i've been actually getting alot better at that with therapy... I no longer actually believe that I am, but I still think others see me that way and they will eventually make fun of me for it. As a result, I am often alone, even when I do not want to be.

I have absolutely no way to cope with stress and anger.... I mean, the last year of my life has been so ridiculously stressful, that I have been behaving in ways that I never have... involving self-hurting... I was hitting myself in the head every once in a while when it got to intense for me to handle. Not like I planned stuff out, it just happened(s) spur of the moment. I would usually use books or, once even, a flashlight, and nearly knocked myself out. Then, when my g/f left me, one night I started cutting myself with a razor... I thought that was only a teenage girl thing, but there I was, slicing the honeysuckle out of myself (36 years old). I thought I was getting a handle on it, but earlier, I nearly whacked myself in the head out of frustration... I don't know what to do...

 

[Tiina63]

You sound the same as me-I am over 50, so don't worry about your age too much. I don't know what sort of advice to give you-I just wanted to give you the reassurance of knowing you are not alone, and to send you a hug. You sound like the sort of person I would like to be friends with.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Wow, you really beat yourself up. What makes you think you are so disgusting, so horrible, so unlikeable? I used to hit myself in the head too, when I was a teenager. Got caught up in drama and crap with friends I kept trying to fix yet had no control over. When I was in my 20's and working for a disgusting human being I started to cut and burn myself. Got over all of that by getting away from what was causing it. Took a year after to pull myself out of the depressed state I was in. I could sit here and tell you what worked for me but I don't know if that would help you, don't know what is really causing your problems. One thing I found is that you have to focus on yourself, figure out you and what you really want from life. Cause no one can help you more than you helping yourself.

 

[ahaikulife]

Wow, you really beat yourself up. What makes you think you are so disgusting, so horrible, so unlikeable? I used to hit myself in the head too, when I was a teenager. Got caught up in drama and crap with friends I kept trying to fix yet had no control over. When I was in my 20's and working for a disgusting human being I started to cut and burn myself. Got over all of that by getting away from what was causing it. Took a year after to pull myself out of the depressed state I was in. I could sit here and tell you what worked for me but I don't know if that would help you, don't know what is really causing your problems. One thing I found is that you have to focus on yourself, figure out you and what you really want from life. Cause no one can help you more than you helping yourself.

well, lol, yeah, I do beat myself up alot. I think I am horrible, because I had thoughts of revenge. I had a "plan" laid out to get revenge on my ex g/f.. .now, it was nothing physically harmful, I just felt that I wanted her to feel the emotional pain that she put me through.. .and that makes me feel.... well, I do not at all like that feeling. The whole idea of revenge, I find disgusting and childish. I never did, or will, actually do any of the things that I thought of, but I do not like that I thought of them... as far as what caused my self-harming and feelings of revenge... my ex left me.. with nothing. I left my job for her, and we moved cross country, I was unable to find a new job for the 9 months we were at that place. She left me, and didnt' tell me why, and then got a restraining order against me, even though I never did anything violent towards her. She then stole all of my things, and I had previously sold my car, as her and I had discussed it, and we no longer needed two vehicles...I was absolutely unable to handle this stress, and I had no idea how to cope with it... and the cutting released the pain. Of course, the release was only temporary.. and this is also why I find myself... disgusting as I wrote earlier. I just did not think I was that kind of person, but it happened... I do not like, it, but at the same time, I guess I really am not ashamed... well, okay, maybe a little lol... and you are correct...nobody can help me except myself...isn't that a lonely thought? It makes me sad, because I always that I would have her with me, so I wouldn't have to deal with things alone. We were together about 6 years... we had planned on spending our lives together... I just couldn't handle that shocking situation. I am now over that part of it though. It has been about 3 months, and I find myself living in my mom's basement, another part of hte country... now with no job or money lol....

 

[Grey]

Everyone will get one time in their lives when its totally bad and you can't handle it. I've already been through mine and i got through it, i used to cut myself too a lot. And its true only you will be able to get yourself out of it, i got to the point when i was sick of feeling like i did so i made myself get better. I don't know how i did it, maybe it was just determination to be better that did it. Keep going with the therapy, it does work in the long run even if you don't think it is now. Try and find something to do to let your stress out too before you have the feeling of hurting yourself. For me its listening to music that helps me if you need anyone to talk to then i'm always there.

 

[ahaikulife]

Everyone will get one time in their lives when its totally bad and you can't handle it. I've already been through mine and i got through it, i used to cut myself too a lot. And its true only you will be able to get yourself out of it, i got to the point when i was sick of feeling like i did so i made myself get better. I don't know how i did it, maybe it was just determination to be better that did it. Keep going with the therapy, it does work in the long run even if you don't think it is now. Try and find something to do to let your stress out too before you have the feeling of hurting yourself. For me its listening to music that helps me if you need anyone to talk to then i'm always there.

Thank you for sharing that you had cut yourself also at one time... it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not alone there. Unfortunately, i've had to stop going to therapy, as I moved, and I have no more money to be able to afford it... I've seen about 6, maybe 7 different therapists in my life, and the last one was the only one that actually helped me to make lasting changes in my life. I was sad to have to move away from her and the techniques/methods that she used in helping me.

Unfortunately, I will have to explain these cuts to the next person I have in my life, as there is scarring. At least they are not easily visible unless I'm naked... I'm afraid that the next person I am with will not understand, and will judge me because of what I did to myself.

 

[Gutted]

Dude! I'm sorry to hear about how you feel and act. I think that you have a right to be angry, upset and frustrated. But you could do with some pointers in how to deal with those feelings. Do you have any hobbies? If so, try to think of them when you feel negative. Try to do them. Otherwise, just try to keep busy. Writing, Cleaning, Art, Chores. All of it can work~

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

Thank you for sharing that you had cut yourself also at one time... it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not alone there. Unfortunately, i've had to stop going to therapy, as I moved, and I have no more money to be able to afford it... I've seen about 6, maybe 7 different therapists in my life, and the last one was the only one that actually helped me to make lasting changes in my life. I was sad to have to move away from her and the techniques/methods that she used in helping me.

Unfortunately, I will have to explain these cuts to the next person I have in my life, as there is scarring. At least they are not easily visible unless I'm naked... I'm afraid that the next person I am with will not understand, and will judge me because of what I did to myself.

While these therapists are no longer in your life, it sounds like you still have knowledge of those techniques and methods. Hopefully there's also a public library near by where you can take books out on i.e. depression and self-esteem.

When I used to cut, I had all of this anger inside that I didn't know how to express, and I took it out on myself, instead of channelling it someplace safer, or really trying to figure out what was behind the anger (mostly hurt feelings and wanting to be loved). To reduce the harm of self-cutting, some people have found that "slashing" themselves with red markers helps. Holding an ice cube won't leave scars, while still releasing endorphins. Another good technique is to do pushups. And try it again. I would do several reps of 10 whenever I felt overwhelmed and angry. Exercise is a great way to release all of that wasted energy spent on the "if only's" and "what could have been's" and "shoulda woulda coulda's" and "no one likes meeee's"

Break-ups have a way of triggering depression, and it makes sense. The one you loved, the one who said they loved you, no longer does. You've been rejected, and it sucks, I know. It took me YEARS to get over this one guy. Hopefully it won't take you that long. But one thing I can say from experience is that you need to do some more work on yourself before you hook up with someone new, or even find friends who are good for you. I mean, if you're already worried about this future unknown person's judgment and not understanding you, you're setting yourself up. Try another thought. The Universe listens to you. A suggestion: to write down what you really want in your relationships. Look at this list everyday. Remember it. Eventually you will really believe and know that you deserve good, healthy relationships.

 

[ahaikulife]

While these therapists are no longer in your life, it sounds like you still have knowledge of those techniques and methods. Hopefully there's also a public library near by where you can take books out on i.e. depression and self-esteem.

When I used to cut, I had all of this anger inside that I didn't know how to express, and I took it out on myself, instead of channelling it someplace safer, or really trying to figure out what was behind the anger (mostly hurt feelings and wanting to be loved). To reduce the harm of self-cutting, some people have found that "slashing" themselves with red markers helps. Holding an ice cube won't leave scars, while still releasing endorphins. Another good technique is to do pushups. And try it again. I would do several reps of 10 whenever I felt overwhelmed and angry. Exercise is a great way to release all of that wasted energy spent on the "if only's" and "what could have been's" and "shoulda woulda coulda's" and "no one likes meeee's"

Break-ups have a way of triggering depression, and it makes sense. The one you loved, the one who said they loved you, no longer does. You've been rejected, and it sucks, I know. It took me YEARS to get over this one guy. Hopefully it won't take you that long. But one thing I can say from experience is that you need to do some more work on yourself before you hook up with someone new, or even find friends who are good for you. I mean, if you're already worried about this future unknown person's judgment and not understanding you, you're setting yourself up. Try another thought. The Universe listens to you. A suggestion: to write down what you really want in your relationships. Look at this list everyday. Remember it. Eventually you will really believe and know that you deserve good, healthy relationships.

hmmm...ice cubes? red markers? these are some interesting ideas... hopefully, I will not ever be in another situation that brings me to where I was recently at...when I was in grad school, I honestly believe that I would not have gotten through it without exercise; I went to the gym 4x per week. This last year, with the depression and g/f leaving and all that, one thing that was lacking was the exercise... I first read your post this morning, and you are right... I went on a nice, long bike ride in the country today. I'll have to be sure to keep at it, as I know you are right, it does help alot.

I like your suggestion of writing down what I want out of a relationship. I know, that thoughts seem to change, or improve, when you put them on paper... its always different seeing it in writing huh... I'm going to have to put that off for a bit more though I think... but I will definitely follow your suggestion...when I am ready to even begin thinking of a "romantic" relationship with another person.

Thank you so much for your reply, it is truly appreciated.

cheers, Mike