Hate life

[August Campbell]

@sadmoongaze
You said that you periodically see a therapist. Doesn't that therapist help you?
Also, the persistence of certain emotions in you could indicate a chemical imbalance. That's why some people have to take meds for their emotional struggle.
I had an acquaintance who suffered from mental illness of bipolar. Eventually it got too unbearable for her so she finally committed suicide. I suspect it was because she had stopped taking her meds which had side effects, but I'm only speculating. Whatever the case, I think meds are necessary sometimes, otherwise the result is suicide. Do you take meds? They might literally save your life.

 

[sadmoongaze]

@sadmoongaze
You said that you periodically see a therapist. Doesn't that therapist help you?
Also, the persistence of certain emotions in you could indicate a chemical imbalance. That's why some people have to take meds for their emotional struggle.
I had an acquaintance who suffered from mental illness of bipolar. Eventually it got too unbearable for her so she finally committed suicide. I suspect it was because she had stopped taking her meds which had side effects, but I'm only speculating. Whatever the case, I think meds are necessary sometimes, otherwise the result is suicide. Do you take meds? They might literally save your life.

No, I don't take medication due to past negative experiences with them. And yes, I do see a therapist. I would like to think that helps but it isn't exactly something that makes life perfect or better. I suppose it helps me in a way that I can talk to someone who seems understanding and not too judgmental.

 

[isthatso]

Now that You mention Christianity, what disturbs me about that religion is that they insist that Homosexuals go to Hell to be punished forever. Not all the Christians, though, it's about 50%. The other 50% are accepting of homosexuals. For example, the Presbyterians are quite accepting. So hopefully you find the denomination that's accepting and compassionate.

I wouldn't join such a conservative fundamentalist group.

 

[sadmoongaze]

I was going to make another thread but that just seemed silly to do. I am not okay right now. I'm hurt and I'm angry for getting hurt. I don't want to get into it because it's stupid and it's not the one and only reason I feel like this. But I'm tired of hurting so much. It's clear I don't matter in this world and I wish I could say I'm alright with that but you know, I'm not. But since I'm not worth love and acceptance I'm done with all of this. Screw my sobriety, screw trying to better myself. Screw this whole world. And yeah, I know I sound irrational but I've been holding this in for a few hours now and I need to get this out. So go ahead and judge me harshly, because it just doesn't matter anymore.

 

[isthatso]

I was going to make another thread but that just seemed silly to do. I am not okay right now. I'm hurt and I'm angry for getting hurt. I don't want to get into it because it's stupid and it's not the one and only reason I feel like this. But I'm tired of hurting so much. It's clear I don't matter in this world and I wish I could say I'm alright with that but you know, I'm not. But since I'm not worth love and acceptance I'm done with all of this. Screw my sobriety, screw trying to better myself. Screw this whole world. And yeah, I know I sound irrational but I've been holding this in for a few hours now and I need to get this out. So go ahead and judge me harshly, because it just doesn't matter anymore.

No one is judging you. And even if they were, who cares. It's just a vent. We can all relate to venting. Venting is healthy imo.

 

[user 150037]

If you're looking for harsh judgement, prepare to be disappointed.

Well done for allowing yourself to vent - the worst thing to do is pretend to be happy when you're not.

 

[August Campbell]

No, I don't take medication due to past negative experiences with them. And yes, I do see a therapist. I would like to think that helps but it isn't exactly something that makes life perfect or better. I suppose it helps me in a way that I can talk to someone who seems understanding and not too judgmental.

Maybe your depression is severe because you quit the meds. You mentioned negative experiences from those meds. What effects exactly?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I was going to make another thread but that just seemed silly to do. I am not okay right now. I'm hurt and I'm angry for getting hurt. I don't want to get into it because it's stupid and it's not the one and only reason I feel like this. But I'm tired of hurting so much. It's clear I don't matter in this world and I wish I could say I'm alright with that but you know, I'm not. But since I'm not worth love and acceptance I'm done with all of this. Screw my sobriety, screw trying to better myself. Screw this whole world. And yeah, I know I sound irrational but I've been holding this in for a few hours now and I need to get this out. So go ahead and judge me harshly, because it just doesn't matter anymore.

Hey @sadmoongaze, I don't know if you'll read this or not; but, I hope you take care.

Personally I don't value, 'sobriety.' I think anonymous groups and the 12 steps are a bit cult-like. I guess for some people they are meaningful gatherings of like-minded people, and perhaps a way to make friends and get support.

In my world-view, it's not so much that, 'doing drugs or drinking is bad,' it's our self-destructive tendencies that are sometimes, 'maladaptive.' The things we do to ignore, cover up, or numb our pain, are, perhaps okay in moderation, and perhaps even in some cases, okay, if we make a habit of them. However, ultimately, it's our desire to be rid of our pains, or the necessity even, whether imposed unfairly, or be it circumstantial, etc.. (and in my world-view, there are actually self-actualized, and well-adjusted people out there, too, who, don't have to worry about these things as much).

Sort of like, would you rather be able to drink whenever you wanted, without any problems, or would you rather your deepest problems be resolved, and not have a desire to drink? It's kind of a win win, one not really different than the other, whichever you choose; except, one might be cheaper. And at that point, it just depends on what kind of people you enjoy being with: drinkers, or abstainers?

The problem I think, is that, many of us, have deep unresolved pains and difficult circumstances; and, I think, some of those pains, we can not resolve. Society loves to give us mixed messages, and put us in double-bind, lose lose situations. The youth are bombarded with music that glorifies stupidity; yet, they are the most in need of good role models. The politicians are supposed to be servants of the people, yet, they are more likely to serve themselves at the expense of the people. In my country, we are supposed to have freedom of religion, yet, a good majority of the religious, believe all other religions are wrong, except their own. All kinds of hypocrisy out in the world.

So, we often find ourselves in a situation, where, it's a lose lose situation.

I'm not sure I can be of much help; but, I hope things improve for you. I suppose my life is a bit of a mess too; so, who am I to say this or that.

I'll go out for a smoke and give the world a couple middle fingers right there with you, though (when the world isn't looking of course, heh).

 

[isthatso]

Personally I don't value, 'sobriety.' I think anonymous groups and the 12 steps are a bit cult-like. I guess for some people they are meaningful gatherings of like-minded people, and perhaps a way to make friends and get support.

I have serious doubts about 12 step groups too. I almost got hitched to a semi literate loudmouth as my sponsor. Luckily I decided to solve my own alcoholism.
And yes they are cult like.
I often find the people who take charge become controlling and narrow minded about what are the best solutions.
Some of us aren't suited to groups anyway. You losr your sense of self imo.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I have serious doubts about 12 step groups too. I almost got hitched to a semi literate loudmouth as my sponsor. Luckily I decided to solve my own alcoholism.
And yes they are cult like.
I often find the people who take charge become controlling and narrow minded about what are the best solutions.
Some of us aren't suited to groups anyway. You losr your sense of self imo.

Hope you've been hangin' in there.

 

[isthatso]

Hope you've been hangin' in there.

I'm no longer an alcoholic, smokaholic, gamblaholic, painkiller tabletaholic.
Now just a forum junkie.

 

[sadmoongaze]

Maybe your depression is severe because you quit the meds. You mentioned negative experiences from those meds. What effects exactly?

No, they did not help. I get that meds work for some people, but pills aren't a solution for everyone. And the effects were things like weight gain, increased appetite, erratic behavior, you know, something that shouldn't be happening with those type of meds. Then there was the stigma from people who seem to think if I have anything short of a super happy awesome amazing day then I must not have taken my medication that day. Because apparently only "normal" people can feel emotions. Then there was the worst effect of all: nothing.

 

[sadmoongaze]

Hey @sadmoongaze, I don't know if you'll read this or not; but, I hope you take care.

Personally I don't value, 'sobriety.' I think anonymous groups and the 12 steps are a bit cult-like. I guess for some people they are meaningful gatherings of like-minded people, and perhaps a way to make friends and get support.

In my world-view, it's not so much that, 'doing drugs or drinking is bad,' it's our self-destructive tendencies that are sometimes, 'maladaptive.' The things we do to ignore, cover up, or numb our pain, are, perhaps okay in moderation, and perhaps even in some cases, okay, if we make a habit of them. However, ultimately, it's our desire to be rid of our pains, or the necessity even, whether imposed unfairly, or be it circumstantial, etc.. (and in my world-view, there are actually self-actualized, and well-adjusted people out there, too, who, don't have to worry about these things as much).

Sort of like, would you rather be able to drink whenever you wanted, without any problems, or would you rather your deepest problems be resolved, and not have a desire to drink? It's kind of a win win, one not really different than the other, whichever you choose; except, one might be cheaper. And at that point, it just depends on what kind of people you enjoy being with: drinkers, or abstainers?

The problem I think, is that, many of us, have deep unresolved pains and difficult circumstances; and, I think, some of those pains, we can not resolve. Society loves to give us mixed messages, and put us in double-bind, lose lose situations. The youth are bombarded with music that glorifies stupidity; yet, they are the most in need of good role models. The politicians are supposed to be servants of the people, yet, they are more likely to serve themselves at the expense of the people. In my country, we are supposed to have freedom of religion, yet, a good majority of the religious, believe all other religions are wrong, except their own. All kinds of hypocrisy out in the world.

So, we often find ourselves in a situation, where, it's a lose lose situation.

I'm not sure I can be of much help; but, I hope things improve for you. I suppose my life is a bit of a mess too; so, who am I to say this or that.

I'll go out for a smoke and give the world a couple middle fingers right there with you, though (when the world isn't looking of course, heh).

I sometimes think of going back to drinking. Like, would a few beers hurt here or there? For me, yes, because it was never going to be enough. I drank because I wanted life to be a blur or just a total blackout. To help with anxiety or to 'relax" were just secondary reasons for the most part.

But I think I get where you're coming from. I wish I could accurately pinpoint where all this pain is coming from but I don't know exactly. I mean there are plenty of things that have happened, but if there is some kind of origin point, I don't really know. Sorry for rambling.

 

[sadmoongaze]

I have serious doubts about 12 step groups too. I almost got hitched to a semi literate loudmouth as my sponsor. Luckily I decided to solve my own alcoholism.
And yes they are cult like.
I often find the people who take charge become controlling and narrow minded about what are the best solutions.
Some of us aren't suited to groups anyway. You losr your sense of self imo.

There are flaws in things like AA, but in some ways the structure and fellowship has helped. Though I often feel a disconnect with it, but I guess that is mainly due to my own social inadequacies.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Sorry, I don't post on here often. I have been feel more and more hopeless as of late. My life just feels so worthless and it hurts to not be worth love and acceptance. I have tried to better myself such as being five and a half years sober from alcohol, but none of feels like it matters. I am tired of pushing myself in vain. I want to give up.

I've been feeling very similarly lately, with increasing intensity. I hate my life too. I've also been feeling hopeless and want to give up. I feel like I just wasn't born good enough to be able to get anywhere. I don't know if I am capable of anything.

Congratulations on the sobriety. That's a big step for sure. You have to at least get to where you can function normally, you have to at least be healthy and thinking clearly.

The problem is that only gets you from a negative space, to zero, to neutral. To go beyond zero, you have to get a "plus" of some kind - something going for you, a strong point in your favor.

I don't know what I can do for mine, but maybe there's something that you're good at, or would like to be. That seems to be a common missing piece.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I sometimes think of going back to drinking. Like, would a few beers hurt here or there? For me, yes, because it was never going to be enough. I drank because I wanted life to be a blur or just a total blackout. To help with anxiety or to 'relax" were just secondary reasons for the most part.

But I think I get where you're coming from. I wish I could accurately pinpoint where all this pain is coming from but I don't know exactly. I mean there are plenty of things that have happened, but if there is some kind of origin point, I don't really know. Sorry for rambling.

I think some people are born with it. Or, it becomes a part of them at a very early age. I think that's why it's such a universally misunderstood phenomena. I think it drives some people to drink themselves to death and grave harm, while it drives other people to be the leader of the free world.

Maybe we all have it? I dunno. I think some people are fulfilled in this life: 'self actualized,' as some might call it. The east might consider such people to be Bhodisatvas.

I've had a lingering wilting sadness, most of all my life; though, I miss it more than anything, blessing as much as curse maybe.

hmm dunno. My mother grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment. I grew up to become a people pleasing type of person, even though, I never grew up in an alcoholic environment. Seems logical to conclude it's possible for unconscious memetic modalities to be inherited, especially at a young age, even on very subtle levels.

I dunno. I suppose some are inclined to find the roots of causes, while others are more concerned with just dealing with their immediate effects; perhaps there are times and places for both.