Self Harm

[HoodedMonk]

Well how does anyone ever talk about this? Not that what I did was permanent, as it has faded today and won't leave permament marks.

I cannot even begin to express the emotional pain I am in at the moment.
Psychologists would tell me to distract myself.

I feel as if I have little support in real life and little sense of belonging.

These feelings are really acute and are beginning to have physical manifestations.

There's really not much to say. Just another "I'm in pain" thread.

Sigh.

 

[Sometimes]

I am listening to you.

 

[SixtiesSamantha]

I am listening too and believe me when I say I understand where you are coming from. Not 100% obviously because every single person's feelings are unique to them.

I have been in such emotional pain numerous times before where I would harm myself... I would cut my left forearm over and over and over and then just watch the cuts bleed. They have all scarred over by now (the last I did this was over a year ago) but they will always be there. The emotional pain would grow to be SO much that I wanted to feel ANYTHING else and so I would pick physical pain. Also the sight of the cuts seemed to snap me back to reality a little.

What finally got me to stop was one night in October 2013 I got really drunk. I was alone at my house, going through a box of sentimental items. NOT A GOOD COMBO AT ALL. I eventually got so upset and miserable that I grabbed an exacto knife and sliced the back of my left hand. How I did not hit the vein I will never know (I truly believe it was God). I could not stop it from bleeding and was too upset and drunk to call anyone or go to the ER so I wrapped it in a million paper towels and tape and passed out on my couch.

I learned a lesson and think of that awful moment every time I want to cut myself again. I could have been seriously injured and I did not want that

 

[HoodedMonk]

I am listening to you.

Thanks. I'm not getting any emotional support from family right now it feels. I'm trying to think of what my options are faced with this. Maybe a group for people with depression.

Every time I try to reach out to my family they withdraw from me. They're incapable of giving it to me.

I really just want a hug right now.

 

[Sometimes]

BIG *HUG*

 

[HoodedMonk]

I am listening too and believe me when I say I understand where you are coming from. Not 100% obviously because every single person's feelings are unique to them.

I have been in such emotional pain numerous times before where I would harm myself... I would cut my left forearm over and over and over and then just watch the cuts bleed. They have all scarred over by now (the last I did this was over a year ago) but they will always be there. The emotional pain would grow to be SO much that I wanted to feel ANYTHING else and so I would pick physical pain. Also the sight of the cuts seemed to snap me back to reality a little.

What finally got me to stop was one night in October 2013 I got really drunk. I was alone at my house, going through a box of sentimental items. NOT A GOOD COMBO AT ALL. I eventually got so upset and miserable that I grabbed an exacto knife and sliced the back of my left hand. How I did not hit the vein I will never know (I truly believe it was God). I could not stop it from bleeding and was too upset and drunk to call anyone or go to the ER so I wrapped it in a million paper towels and tape and passed out on my couch.

I learned a lesson and think of that awful moment every time I want to cut myself again. I could have been seriously injured and I did not want that

Well, trying to upload that video crashed my browser.

Anyways as I was saying…or trying to say…

I realize with razors that they could sever tendons or…hit a vein or artery. Severing tendons I know would cause me to need surgery to stitch it back together again. Not a prospect I would like because then I would have to explain myself and it would just lead to more negative consequences.

I've also given up drinking because of a bad episode a few months ago which involved vomiting and not much consiousness.

I think I did it because the pain became so intense. Not because I wanted to feel something, which implies numbeness, but rather imagine a stereo turned up full blast.

Having mental pain is like water at a porthole, you see it there, but it doesn't really register to the observer that it is there because it is removed. Similarly the emotional pain is locked inside my mind, and isn't seen.

Guess the porthole burst. :l

Still thinking.

I realize I didn't directly address what you said. To be honest, I'm surprised you can relate. I know you said you had depression but I didn't realize you had a history of self harm.

 

[SixtiesSamantha]

I also have a few stories about drinking (and not self-harming)... my story about my hand was enough to get me to stop self-harming but not enough to get me to stop drinking. A month or two ago I set out to cut my lawn. I had a free evening (for once I was not at work) but the loneliness was setting in. I figured what the heck, I'll have a drink before I get started, make it interesting.

My drink of choice for a while was very cheap bourbon called Ten High. I would drink it right outta the bottle until I couldn't feel a bit of sadness anymore. I had a few swigs before I revved up the mower. Jamming to my iPod and mowing away, I was about half done and decided to take a break (it takes about an hour to mow my lawn, 90 minutes if I do all the way up the back yard hill into the woods). I swigged some more outta the bottle and kept mowing. Now I am no lightweight but when I get to certain point, I keep drinking and do not care. Next thing I remember, I woke up on my couch, hours later.

I got up, looked around... I am a very organized OCD person. Everything has gotta be in place and clean. I noticed my mower was in my garage (it belongs in the shed) and I had no memory of pushing it in there. I also saw in my fridge that a bowl of leftover chili was half eaten and there was no fork to be found! At that point I had a flash of memory of me puking my guts out and also falling backwards into my shower. My head had a lump on it for days.....

I washed my face, brushed my teeth, thanked God I did not fall and have the mower chew me to bits and went back to sleep. The next day I vowed to lay off the hard stuff. Only beer for me now... it takes the edge off without getting me into serious trouble.

I smh so often at myself... being lonely and sad SUCKS.

OH and I would totally give you a hug too... I love hugs. Trust and believe me on that one.

 

[Danielle]

((((((Hug)))))))

 

[Peaches]

(((((more hugs)))))

 

[SofiasMami]

Frankly, I'm concerned about you. I don't know if you're clinically depressed but it's possible you are - in which case you must seek out help! Please do, if only to get me off your back.

-Teresa

 

[HoodedMonk]

Frankly, I'm concerned about you. I don't know if you're clinically depressed but it's possible you are - in which case you must seek out help! Please do, if only to get me off your back.

-Teresa

I've been self medicating with caffeine lately, and I didn't drink any today thinking that laying off of it would help stabilize me some. I seem to feel better than I did. That and things are (slowly) getting worked on.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight as well.

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

Oh dear. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. *big hugs*

One thing I've done when the pain became intense, was to try and write on myself. If you really feel you must do something to your arms, a marker might work, since pressing it down on your arm might relieve some of the stress, but won't actually injure yourself, since most markers are blunt.

I hope things turn out okay. Stay strong.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight as well.

Haha. That also can help. I hope it does.

 

[SofiasMami]

Frankly, I'm concerned about you. I don't know if you're clinically depressed but it's possible you are - in which case you must seek out help! Please do, if only to get me off your back.

-Teresa

I've been self medicating with caffeine lately, and I didn't drink any today thinking that laying off of it would help stabilize me some. I seem to feel better than I did. That and things are (slowly) getting worked on.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight as well.

I'm going to put my mom hat on here and ask if you got to bed at a decent time? A full night of restful sleep can bring clarity and calm.

-Teresa

 

[TheWalkingDead]

Frankly, I'm concerned about you. I don't know if you're clinically depressed but it's possible you are - in which case you must seek out help! Please do, if only to get me off your back.

-Teresa

I've been self medicating with caffeine lately, and I didn't drink any today thinking that laying off of it would help stabilize me some. I seem to feel better than I did. That and things are (slowly) getting worked on.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight as well.

Caffeine may not help, it will stimulate urges to harm.

I self harmed periodically in my teens and 20s. It was a physical expression of sheer frustration and emotional anguish, I still have scars on my leg from when I was drunk and almost trying to cut my leg off I guess. I was just trying to express how much emotional pain I felt. I was bleeding for days, it was horrible, I had to fix it myself with this liquid plaster gunk I got from the pharmacy. I also have scars on my abdomen from when I slashed myself in front of my parents. I wanted them to know how much I was hurting and yelling just didn't get it through. I wanted them to know I was hurting, not just angry - of course it just upset them. I also once smashed an ashtray over my head and could have really hurt myself. But I didn't want to hurt myself, I just wanted to stop hurting. Self harm is paradoxical, the harm is actually a way of reducing or managing emotional harm. I wish yo could find a psychologist who would go into the mud with you and figure out your pain and not just tell you to distract yourself.

I hope this helps you to know that you're understood.

I haven't self harmed for years. I took up running, which helps, I think exercise can really help - if I run into my rage and hurt, all I do is elevate my heart rate and while it hurts and feels uncomfortable, it also does me good at the same time and all I have to deal with is increased health and fitness, and not more scars!

Adding my hug for you!

 

[HoodedMonk]

Frankly, I'm concerned about you. I don't know if you're clinically depressed but it's possible you are - in which case you must seek out help! Please do, if only to get me off your back.

-Teresa

I've been self medicating with caffeine lately, and I didn't drink any today thinking that laying off of it would help stabilize me some. I seem to feel better than I did. That and things are (slowly) getting worked on.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight as well.

I'm going to put my mom hat on here and ask if you got to bed at a decent time? A full night of restful sleep can bring clarity and calm.

-Teresa

Yeah. I did.

11pm. Much better than 2am. I was sitting up thinking and thinking and worrying….and feeling like honeysuckle.

Still felt down today but am trying to see it for the withdrawal symptoms it may be.

Still in the process of accepting that nobody in real life cares how I feel in terms of depression.

---

Caffeine may not help, it will stimulate urges to harm.

I self harmed periodically in my teens and 20s. It was a physical expression of sheer frustration and emotional anguish, I still have scars on my leg from when I was drunk and almost trying to cut my leg off I guess. I was just trying to express how much emotional pain I felt. I was bleeding for days, it was horrible, I had to fix it myself with this liquid plaster gunk I got from the pharmacy. I also have scars on my abdomen from when I slashed myself in front of my parents. I wanted them to know how much I was hurting and yelling just didn't get it through. I wanted them to know I was hurting, not just angry - of course it just upset them. I also once smashed an ashtray over my head and could have really hurt myself. But I didn't want to hurt myself, I just wanted to stop hurting. Self harm is paradoxical, the harm is actually a way of reducing or managing emotional harm. I wish yo could find a psychologist who would go into the mud with you and figure out your pain and not just tell you to distract yourself.

I hope this helps you to know that you're understood.

I haven't self harmed for years. I took up running, which helps, I think exercise can really help - if I run into my rage and hurt, all I do is elevate my heart rate and while it hurts and feels uncomfortable, it also does me good at the same time and all I have to deal with is increased health and fitness, and not more scars!

Adding my hug for you!

You know, I had no idea so many people on ALL self-harmed. Guess it's something people do but don't talk about.

Your parents sound incompetent (i'm sorry if this upsets you). Any good parent would have taken their child to see a psychologist or gotten them help. From what you describe they did neither. You only upset their little perfect world.

I think the caffeine was wearing out my adrenal glands and making me more emotional. I really do have to be careful with the substances I ingest into my body. I seem to be sensitive to everything.

May I ask what relationship you have with your scars now that you've stopped self-harming? How do you feel about them? That leg one sounded pretty bad. :s This was in the era before they had the powder you could pour into wounds to clot it up. I feel bad for you. :/ That must have been terrifying. And let me guess, you had to go through it alone, didn't you?

Did you find a psychologist that helped you?

(hugs)

 

[TheWalkingDead]

Frankly, I'm concerned about you. I don't know if you're clinically depressed but it's possible you are - in which case you must seek out help! Please do, if only to get me off your back.

-Teresa

I've been self medicating with caffeine lately, and I didn't drink any today thinking that laying off of it would help stabilize me some. I seem to feel better than I did. That and things are (slowly) getting worked on.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight as well.

I'm going to put my mom hat on here and ask if you got to bed at a decent time? A full night of restful sleep can bring clarity and calm.

-Teresa

Yeah. I did.

11pm. Much better than 2am. I was sitting up thinking and thinking and worrying….and feeling like honeysuckle.

Still felt down today but am trying to see it for the withdrawal symptoms it may be.

Still in the process of accepting that nobody in real life cares how I feel in terms of depression.

---

Caffeine may not help, it will stimulate urges to harm.

I self harmed periodically in my teens and 20s. It was a physical expression of sheer frustration and emotional anguish, I still have scars on my leg from when I was drunk and almost trying to cut my leg off I guess. I was just trying to express how much emotional pain I felt. I was bleeding for days, it was horrible, I had to fix it myself with this liquid plaster gunk I got from the pharmacy. I also have scars on my abdomen from when I slashed myself in front of my parents. I wanted them to know how much I was hurting and yelling just didn't get it through. I wanted them to know I was hurting, not just angry - of course it just upset them. I also once smashed an ashtray over my head and could have really hurt myself. But I didn't want to hurt myself, I just wanted to stop hurting. Self harm is paradoxical, the harm is actually a way of reducing or managing emotional harm. I wish yo could find a psychologist who would go into the mud with you and figure out your pain and not just tell you to distract yourself.

I hope this helps you to know that you're understood.

I haven't self harmed for years. I took up running, which helps, I think exercise can really help - if I run into my rage and hurt, all I do is elevate my heart rate and while it hurts and feels uncomfortable, it also does me good at the same time and all I have to deal with is increased health and fitness, and not more scars!

Adding my hug for you!

You know, I had no idea so many people on ALL self-harmed. Guess it's something people do but don't talk about.

Your parents sound incompetent (i'm sorry if this upsets you). Any good parent would have taken their child to see a psychologist or gotten them help. From what you describe they did neither. You only upset their little perfect world.

I think the caffeine was wearing out my adrenal glands and making me more emotional. I really do have to be careful with the substances I ingest into my body. I seem to be sensitive to everything.

May I ask what relationship you have with your scars now that you've stopped self-harming? How do you feel about them? That leg one sounded pretty bad. :s This was in the era before they had the powder you could pour into wounds to clot it up. I feel bad for you. :/ That must have been terrifying. And let me guess, you had to go through it alone, didn't you?

Did you find a psychologist that helped you?

(hugs)

---

My parents were very loving, but had their flaws. I was 20 at the time and home from University so they didn't have much option to help me. They didn't have a perfect world, few parents ever do, though it might look like that on the surface. They're just people who happened to become parents at some point.

I don't know of any powder! It was a bit crazy in those days so I kind of bragged about it to a couple of people I was doing sport activity with, they probably thought I was insane!

I used to be ashamed, but now I'm in my 40s I couldn't care less, they're signs of what I've survived, and not even so visble these days - the cuts were on my shin so not really visible, likewise on my belly, which got quite fat recently and is quite hairy, so also not noticeable much. Maybe if my diet works I will worry about them lol!

Don't feel bad for me. It was a long time ago, I'm a survivor, I can't believe some of the crazy crap I did all those years ago!