Self-hate

[Groucho]

This is a most curious insight. My dad was an aggressive perfectionist who demanded ridiculously high standards and would get angry if I failed a task even immediately after engaging it. My mother sorta just didn't seem to acknowledge my existence, gave me stuff and just carried on, seemed to invalidate me on some level.

There's an official name for your dad's parenting style, but I forget what it is. Both of these styles are very negative. During my teen years I was institutionalized and there we were "raised" with this kind of never-right mentality (they claimed it was part of their disciplinary program for so called, troubled teens). At home with my parents, it was mostly the neglect style. The combo of the two is particularly devastating to a developing psyche.

I'd be interested to know what the official name was if you can recall it.

I'm grappling with the parenting issues later on. I'm only realising the problems after contrast and comparison with other people's situations. I know my parents weren't the worst (I think my mother is just burnt out after the victimisation and so neglects attention to me, but she's generous and kind, if that makes sense) but the full history of my biological dad is only just coming out. Apparently I got dropped on my head when I was 6 months old, and my photographs do show a disfigurement - one that I had never noticed until 2011 when someone pointed it out to me.


I realise I'm not going to get that attention, regardless of how much help it would be. As for the perfectionism of my biological dad, it's left me with what seems to be a permanent superiority complex. Which means I generally cannot acknowledge mistakes I've made, and is made worse by the fact (and this will sound 100% arrogant but it's not intended as such) people either see that I'm intelligent, or I end up outsmarting various enemies. Which means when someone who is smarter comes along, cognitive dissonance kicks in, and then the superiority complex flares up.

Only because it was drummed in that achievement means no abuse and/or I receive (some) attention, and the status quo (IE no achievement) means no attention. So naturally being knocked off the perch subconsciously equates to being inferior, thus no attention, thus no value.


Part of that superiority complex has fused with a sense of injustice about the world (because I project myself into the place of the victims, I basically see it as 'that's me being screwed over by that ******* there'), which often inclines me to intervene. The problem is I can be extremely tenacious when in this state. Basically, it means that if someone has a skeleton in their closet, a weak point or a piece of information, I will find it and I will tear apart that corrupt system doing so. I've already had two major impacts in British politics as a result.

The problem with this, is it assumes the target is corrupt. In most cases, they are, as I do the research. But there are times when I could easily grab the wrong end of the stick. As one person said to me (after asking me to investigate a company to see if it's reliable and I dug through histories and front accounts and pulled up a failure on tax and a re-registration/name change and associated fraud) she would not want to get on the wrong side of me.

Does the end justify the means? What would I have been like if my parents had cared? Had contributed? Normal? Dull and boring and not tearing into unethical practices? Or even better?