Self-sabotaging in relationships/friendships/connections.

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dirta

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Apr 1, 2017
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Latvia
2020. was such a challenging year for me and not for the obvious reason. World shut down but I also had brain surgery in the midst of it all. It was hard because I was scared and alone/ lonely. No visitations were possible, so I had to recover on my own. I don't have friends but at least family being there would mean so much.
Miraculously I found a person on Lgbt dating app who was actively talking. We started chatting so much daily. We decided to be friends. It was wonderful. In my experience online connections usually fizzle out fast, but we chatted for close to 2 years. And this connection got me through tough time.
She was caring, giving me advice, good sense of humor etc. Very good friend. But I was not. I was depressed and my behavior was shitty, I was passive at times. She tried with me for so long. Something in me started sabotaging it. I can't explain it. I regret it. She stopped texting and I started reaching out too late. I tried but it felt like I was talking to a wall. It happened couple more times , I reach out- she answers but is not engaging more. Recently I reached out again and same thing, she answers but doesn't have same energy. I said I won't text her again and she said she doesn't care.
I'm nostalgic about how we used to be. I'm so sad because I know how hard it is to find a person like her.
I really messed up. It's my own doing, no one else to blame. Maybe someone here have had similar failure?
 
Hi. You've been here longer than me, but I've never seen you post, so it's good to read your words. My, you did have a tough time of it. I trust things are better for you health-wise. As for your friend, well, people all have their own emotions and reasons for doing everything they do. We can't always understand why or expect certain responses and reactions. We just have to take what we can get sometimes. I recently caught up with a school friend that I hadn't seen for about 45 years. We had a long conversation and one thing we raised was how we make connections in life, not matter how short, for a reason. Sometimes we never realise the reason, sometimes it's just at a later time. I think you already know the reason you had the connection with your friend. Sometimes we just make stupid decisions or respond inappropriately and we have regrets. All you can do is acknowledge your mistake, apologise if necessary, and move on. If the other person wants to reconnect again later, just be open to it. I know from experience. You may not have the same comfort level with them or talk as easily, but the bond will probably be more solid. I've messed up a few relationships in my years, but I've made some stronger also. I don't have many, hardly any actually, but the ones I have will bear much hardship now. Nostalgia can hurt. Try distracting your mind with other positive things; hobbies, exercise, cooking, etc. Thx for sharing.
 
Hello dirta,

Hope all is well. I understand your nostalgia for your friend. Unfortunately friendship don't always stand the test of time, I had great friends that had fallen apart or just not talk to as much anymore. I guess at the end of the day, you can't expect one friend to be your everything, that is a big burden on them too. But you know she had tried, and you guys had that connection for a while to get you through tough times. If she comes back to your life, then great, but also accept that you might need to move on and hopefully foster other great friendships, but most importantly with yourself. Everyone can go through depression, the key is try not to push others away, and be appreciative of the people who were there for you. I speak from experience because I'm empathetic towards those that had gone through tough times, but it's not easy trying to support them while it can affect your own mental wellbeing and they push you away. Your friend just seems like she doesn't want to get hurt again, because she genuinely cared for you. Hope the future is bright for you, there are many people who are understanding and caring. I should make more lgbt friends lol.
 

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