Settling for Less

[fadingaway22]

First of all, I don't want to come off the wrong way. When I'm referring to settling for less, I am not trying to sound shallow here. Settling for less doesn't neccesarily mean rejecting people because they aren't rich, popular, or supermodel like in their appearance. When I'm referring to settling for less, I'm referring to accepting a relationship with a person you don't necessarily click with due to low self esteem or lonliness. This is not only unfair to ourselves, but it is unfair to the other people that we lead on. I'm guilty for this in the past, partly because I hate being alone. I became involved in a relationship with a woman that I didn't fully " click " with. I didn't feel the same for her as she felt for me. I feel bad for it, and I vow never to do it again.

Anyways, have any of you guys ever " settled for less" ? If so, why ?
Would you guys rather be alone or settle for less ?

 

[VanillaCreme]

I settled for less that what I deserve. I'm not THAT mean to put up with abuse like I do. But, whatever... Nothing else is out there.

 

[Van Hooligan X]

i'd rather be single then settle for trash/less.

my ex and i of 16 months ended because i just saw me making every sacrifice and her doing nothing...didn't like the future we were making so i've chosen 5+ months loneliness over 21 months of possible bullshit in the making.

 

[SenjiiDragon]

I personally don’t see a problem with settling for less as long as one understands what they are doing. The problem comes in when it becomes a drain for one or both parties through lying, manipulating, falsely leading a person on, etc. I’ve gone on dates with people I don’t necessarily want to have a relationship with. I’ve hung out with friends that don’t entirely interest me. But as long as both of us walk away having enjoyed ourselves, I think its fine to settle for less.

 

[Katia]

I'd rather just be alone. Settling for less just becomes one big headache.

Settling for less doesn't really work in my opinion. Since you don't click with them, you are still lonely. So it is the choice of being lonely with no one or being with someone who becomes a complete pain in ass because you live on different terms and you still feel lonely.

Personally, I'll take the former.

 

[Arnaert]

You shouldn't settle for less. You just feel worse really cos you're hurting someone. At least when you're alone the only person feeling pain is you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yes...I understand what you are saying.

I settled for hawt phyco bitches becuase I didn't belive I deserve better.
I had abandentment issues. I rather feel pain or insanity.
Nice sweet pretty women scared the honeysuckle out of me.

I actaully didn't live alone by myself until after i was 30. It scared the honeysuckle out of me at first.
But it was one of the most personal growth experince i had...But I remember...I experinced
what it felt like to be well. To be okay with me.

Then Jenni came into my life...
I struggle with it very, very much...She was healthy and cared for me very much.
I couldn't get myself past that threashold....I thought she was too good for me.
Yet a part of me felt so at ease with her. I was totally in love with her and love her very much. My gut or instink told me.
LOVE and PAIN was the same to me.
Loving her ment I had to get well or let go of my pains...I hope that makes sense.

It was so much easier to go back to my ex-gf (Sherry)...I was comfortible with insanity..lol
Sherry was a social worker btw....it's not the outside stuff I'm talking about.
Yeah...I've been feeling like honeysuckle all over for the past year
I'm recovering from all of the chaos, insanity, and regrets.
Yeah...I bascailly have to remind myself or make a consious effort. "I don't need that honeysuckle, i deserve better"
It's not natural for me yet. It's getting better as I work on loving myself everyday.
The more i love myself..the more i respect myself. The more I repect myself the more i can repect others.

For me I have to define it using the word " healthy"
Yes i rather stay single then to get into a toxic relationship again.
I don't think I'm more or less of a human being than anyone.
I also know..I'll only attract people that about as well as I am or as sick as i am.
In other word...I have to repect other sick people and let them learn their lessons ...I can't fix them.
I don't need to sacrifice myself to save or fix anyone. I love myself today.

An analogy is...I care for people. If I'm a life gruad
The most I'll do is throw a life saver float, today.
I don't need to jump in and save them.
Drowning people will kick and fight...in most likelyhood will drown me too or pull me down with them.
I learned this the hard way. Yes, Sherry was a pain in the ass.

 

[SilentThinker]

I do not really believe in settling for less,for the case of low esteem and loneliness.I clicked better with them than with other people who have no experiences of them.

When you do not click with someone,it would be more of the communication and the interests.

 

[Nyktimos]

I clicked with my girlfriend when we met. We had four or five good years. I've grown, I think. She seems to have become more childish and selfish. She had already had a nervous breakdown before I met her and, in my opinion, is heading for another. She seems to be totally reliant on me emotionally and psychologically. She is not a bad person, but she is not right for me. Apparently, I am still right for her. She will not be told anything she doesn't want to hear.

Am I settling for less? Yeah! There is no way to tell her we are not right for each other that she would accept. It would throw her into complete confusion, and I feel I would be condemning her to another breakdown at best. I know I'm just saving up the pain for later and making myself miserable. But I don't think she can cope! If I did, I would have left her three years ago.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I clicked with my girlfriend when we met. We had four or five good years. I've grown, I think. She seems to have become more childish and selfish. She had already had a nervous breakdown before I met her and, in my opinion, is heading for another. She seems to be totally reliant on me emotionally and psychologically. She is not a bad person, but she is not right for me. Apparently, I am still right for her. She will not be told anything she doesn't want to hear.

Am I settling for less? Yeah! There is no way to tell her we are not right for each other that she would accept. It would throw her into complete confusion, and I feel I would be condemning her to another breakdown at best. I know I'm just saving up the pain for later and making myself miserable. But I don't think she can cope! If I did, I would have left her three years ago.

yeah, that's exactly what happened to me...the first 5 years
of the relationship was great. The last 7 became a living hell.
Her father died then we lost our twins within a month.
I felt i had to be strong for her....but she never process any of
her emotions or grieved for her losts.

She went on a gambling, druging, and drinking binge....
to numb everything out becuase she couldn't cope.
It progressively got worst and worst. I found myself living
with a monster or some evil entity. It felt like she became
prosessed by some demonic spirit. The Dr Jeckly and Miss Hyde
routine. She started lying, cheating, stealing, manipultaing, suiecide threats and
bascailly dystroyed eveything that came across her path.
She was also a very violent drunk. If she couldn't have her way in any little thing
all hell would break lose. Then she would wake up the next morning crying like a child.
She'll make me promise her to never leave her inspite of everything to never give up on her.
Just for a little while. Maybe for an hour there was peace...then off she gose again
on her run. I'll either find her passed out on the driveway in her car or our living room floor.

GUILT...I had a lot of freken GUILT TRIPS.

I mean...if she was a happy drunk..and just messed my brians out and didn't cuased any trouble, it
wouldn't bother me one bit. it wasn't like that....she was a berligerent violent drunk and speed freak.

She's still very,very heavily medicated today.
Everytime i see her...It feels like I'm staring at the duaghter
of the devil herself...She's not the same woman i fell in love with.
Phyco ***** is a step up to descibe her. She like a manic depressive.
In other words..she acts like a fucken maniac and fresia up everything. Then she'll get depressed about herself,
but she refuse to get well becuase she's a fucken addict, still numbing the fresia out to cope and running away
from everything. Without the medication she'll go into a deep depression and it gets progressive worst.

I live with her like that for 1 1/2...everybody thinks she's okay when they see her out and about...
But when the medication wears out or the precribtions runs out...she gose into withdraws.
She'll either become very adgitated or lay in bed for days weeping and cry.
Or go into a very, very deep depression until she gets her fucken happy pills.

Her tolerance for the drugs increases and eventaully no matter the amount of drugs, alochol, gambling will cover
up her pains. She looks like any typical person you'll see on the streets or supermarket...but if you take a closer look
There's bags under her eyes, an empty stair or she's in a zone, underneath all of that make up.

The god **** doctors pumped her up with so much mediction or pills. Fucken pushers...
$1500 P/month for all of her pills...(mother's little helpers...The rolling stones)
Dose she want to hear that ???...fresia No..that means the fucken elephant has to die. (living in denial)

Sherry is not there.

I used to pray for Sherry to come home for years...while sherry was sitting in our living room messed up out of her god **** mind.

You can't tell sherry what she dosn't want to hear. I've tried it....Her eyes actaully rolls up into her head somtimes
as if she's going into a siezure.
Sherry is not there...sherry is gone. I can no longer live in denial either.

 

[Nyktimos]

LonesomeCrow, some of the stuff you've made it through impresses me a great deal, and I'm always inspired by your posts. And one day I'm putting them all in a big book and I'll flick through it whenever I feel a bit lost.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

LonesomeCrow, some of the stuff you've made it through impresses me a great deal, and I'm always inspired by your posts. And one day I'm putting them all in a big book and I'll flick through it whenever I feel a bit lost.

Don't worry...there's plenty of people in this forum
that tells me stuff i don't wanna hear, at the heart of this matter.
In so many different way...lol

There's people in my support groups or friends that tells me
bascailly the samething...throughout the years. In so many different ways.

Until the pain of staying gets greater then the pain of leaving...
I was staying...lol

Not until I had a major, major break down, I wasn't going to have break through.
I've been having a lot of god **** break downs lately too..lol I feel well today though...I feel reborned
Kind of like the phoenix raising from a lake of fire, from ashes.

 

[Tylar]

i did once....but it didn't turn out so good when i had to break up with her...
and as you did i vowed never to do it again....except my vow is a bit more extreme.... -_-'

 

[sweetviki]

Yeah I have settled for less and learned from it. After everything I've been through I made these promises to myself:

Never settle for anything less than I deserve
Never jump into relationships quickly
Never jump in bed too quickly
Never put up with abuse of any kind
Never date just for personality, attraction is important too
Never seek out revenge
Never date someone with substance abuse problems

 

[Tylar]

Yeah I have settled for less and learned from it. After everything I've been through I made these promises to myself:

Never settle for anything less than I deserve
Never jump into relationships quickly
Never jump in bed too quickly
Never put up with abuse of any kind
Never date just for personality, attraction is important too
Never seek out revenge
Never date someone with substance abuse problems

that's very wise of you....

 

[lovehurtme]

I settle for less often. Guys are a lot of work.

 

[Happyfase]

I've settled for less before. I've since regretted that decision because it was selfish. It wasn't right for me to lead another person into a relationship when I didn't really think I could love them just so I could be in a relationship. I've since waited... lonely and depressed I might add and have finally met someone I am truly in love with (and hopefully vice-versa). Imagine the feeling to know your partner has settled for less in being with you.

Trust me. You don't HAVE to settle for less. You WILL find a perfect match. It only takes time. It all depends on how patient you are. I don't have much faith in anything in this world at all. But I do have faith in love. Unconditional faith.

 

[luciddisconnect]

For me it's just not possible to settle for less, either in a friendship or a relationship.

If it's a relationship then you'll see through one another right away.

I tried to start a relationship a few years ago with a very pretty girl who was a bit of a spacy airhead with lots of religious and family issues that I wasn't interested in. Quickly realized that I couldn't make her feel smart and she couldn't make me feel desirable. Basically I pushed the situation till I got rejected. Then I laughed out loud (not saying this was the kindest response) because it felt like "I ******* knew it!"

Friendships are different, especially when you're desperate for contact. I tried to remain friends with a girl that I'd met at work for about 2 1/2 years. Would see her now and then. Part of the time she was really happy to see me. The other part of the time she couldn't give a **** about me. Set up hangouts a bunch of times where I got totally blown off. Ended up going to a concert alone, etc. No call that she couldn't go or anything. Never any real apology, nor did she ever have the guts to just say "thanks but I just don't see us remaining friends". Rejection never feels great but it's better than just being dismissed. Last time I saw her I realized that I simply didn't like her anymore. That was the end of that. Haven't seen Rachael in over a year. I don't work there anymore and make a point of never shopping at that store location.

So I was settling for less in that situation also, and it also collapsed.

 

[wannabeXL]

I don't settle for less. Then again, I've never been a big dreamer.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I settle for less or rather I settle for what I thought was EASIER.

Between Cherri and Sherry...well fresia, it could had a toss up.
Between a nurse and a social worker.
Both every well educated women.
Both had thier pros and cons.
Both where blonde with big boobs.

Cherri was a more attractive woman...not that Sherry is not pretty. Sherry is very pretty.
Cherri was younger.

The healthier woman was Cherri.
Cherri simply took it slower. She didn't reject me. It was the other way around.
As a matter of fact I could have easily changed my mind to start a relationship with Cherri instead of Sherry.
Cherri would had held me accountiable for a lot of things that I got away with Sherry.

Sherry bascailly spoiled me when i first met her. I got what I wanted , when I wanted it and how i wanted it.
Sherry was a social worker and worked with abused and abandent children. At some level she wanted to fix
me. I'm an adult with all the issues of abused and abandentment issues. Sherry simply thought she would
use the training and knowlege she got from her career on me.
Sometimes I felt like i was another one of her case...lol

I might not have had the best childhood in the world, yet at the sametime...my mother spoiled me rotten
becuase of the guilt she had when she abandent me. These are some of my flaws or defects of charactor.
While I can play the victim role on the flipped side...I'm a spoil brat.

I also sense that Cherri might had want to control me or fix me.
I belive or in my mind Cherri would had lost herself into me after she let her gruads down
Nurse me back to health and lose herself in the process.
Maybe I just simply read too much into it becuase at the sametime I felt afraid of being truely loved.

For me...this is how I know...if I'm honest to myself.

At a gut level. I fear Cherri
It was the same fear I felt when I walk out on Lori.
It was the same fear I felt when Jenni asked me if i love her.

It is how i will also know when the right or perfect women is for me...
I will have to face that same fear again. It's one of my biggest fear in life that I've yet to overcome.