Settling?

[Despicable Me]

(Quote) "Love" doesn't always last, but acceptance, respect, honesty, and appreciation do. And real love, the kind that does last, grows out of these kind of things.

"Love" includes all of the attributes noted above rolled into one. Whether in friendship or something more than friendship.

Yes, having those things is a kind of love, but that kind of love also isn't exactly the same kind of love that you have for a partner.
You can have acceptance, repect, honesty, and appreciation for basically anyone. Your parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, teachers, mentors, role-models, etc. But not everyone wants to spend the rest of their lives (or at least a significant portion of their futures) being with one of these people. I mean you certainly CAN, and that's exactly part of what I was talking about. Sometimes maybe that is just how things will work out for you, and there is nothing wrong with that. It is likely a deeper love/connection will develop as the relationship goes forward in that direction, but it's probably not typically the case where it's just those feelings alone. Generally speaking there is more to a 1-on-1 spouse/partner relationship than just those things I listed. I don't know what exactly, but it's something.
But, hey, if it works then it works. It doesn't matter what else is or isn't there. That was my main point and I don't want to undermine that now.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Everyone "settles" to some extent (even if it's something very minor) because no one is perfect.
That's just my opinion.

 

[SofiasMami]

Everyone "settles" to some extent (even if it's something very minor) because no one is perfect.
That's just my opinion.

I agree with this. The notion that we should never settle seems like a pie-in-the-sky, unicorns and rainbows idea. I suppose this goes back to what are your personal deal-breakers. If you're ok with someone who is a different religion but won't tolerate someone who doesn't like Hong Cinema, then you're settling. If one has a long and inflexible list of traits and qualities they require in a partner, they are going to find it difficult to meet someone.

-Teresa

 

[Digitales]

One persons imperfections may compliment your own and yours theirs.

Their self defined weaknesses may be something you appreciate, or love.

I am "a dominant", for example. I am quite fond of certain submissive traits. A true D/s relationship is 50:50, you need each other. There's no imbalance, even though others may define there is an imbalance at first glance.
Her "weaknesses", her softness, is balanced by my strength. She may view her submissiveness, her softness as a weakness.. I would not.
She borrows from me, I borrow from her.

☯

 

[ABrokenMan]

Settling, in the instance where something about your partner makes you feel uncomfortable and / or generally unhappy most of the time, yet you convince yourself to maintain the relationship, for whatever reason - that's what I will not allow myself to do anymore.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

The thing that's always concerned me about settling is that it's unfair to the person you're settling for, and I think it's something that most people tend to ignore. You might think you're doing someone a favour by settling for them, but let's be honest, how would you feel being in a relationship with someone who thinks you're just "okay enough"? And also, say you settle for someone, but then do find a person you truly want. You'll probably regret it then. Or go for it anyway, and cause a lot of drama in the lives of everyone involved.

So basically, I think settling for someone is always a bad idea.

 

[ardour]

The thing that's always concerned me about settling is that it's unfair to the person you're settling for, and I think it's something that most people tend to ignore. You might think you're doing someone a favour by settling for them, but let's be honest, how would you feel being in a relationship with someone who thinks you're just "okay enough"? And also, say you settle for someone, but then do find a person you truly want. You'll probably regret it then. Or go for it anyway, and cause a lot of drama in the lives of everyone involved.

So basically, I think settling for someone is always a bad idea.

It might work as long as both people can accept they aren't each other's ideal partner. That's a mindset more common in older people looking for a partner, not being driven so much by sexual desire or idealized fantasies.

Settling is inevitable. No way you can like everything about a person.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

It might work as long as both people can accept they aren't each other's ideal partner. That's a mindset more common in older people looking for a partner, not being driven so much by sexual desire or idealized fantasies.

Settling is inevitable. No way you can like everything about a person.

You'll get no argument from me there, obviously no one is perfect. But that's not really how I see settling. If you have a genuine attraction for someone (physical, mental or both, doesn't matter) and genuinely feel like you want to be with them for THEM, not just to combat loneliness, that's NOT settling in my opinion, even if the person is far from what you usually tend to imagine your ideal partner as. I imagine this wouldn't even be a question if that were the case though.

If you are, however, lying to yourself, and just going for someone because they seem interested and are nice enough, when you really have no real attraction to them at all, well, now that's a problem, and from seeing my older relatives and acquaintances, those relationships are bound to fail or turn extremely toxic in not long. Of course, that's always a risk, but in my opinion you're just signing up for all that when "settling"

 

[ardour]

It might work as long as both people can accept they aren't each other's ideal partner. That's a mindset more common in older people looking for a partner, not being driven so much by sexual desire or idealized fantasies.

Settling is inevitable. No way you can like everything about a person.

You'll get no argument from me there, obviously no one is perfect. But that's not really how I see settling. If you have a genuine attraction for someone (physical, mental or both, doesn't matter) and genuinely feel like you want to be with them for THEM, not just to combat loneliness, that's NOT settling in my opinion, even if the person is far from what you usually tend to imagine your ideal partner as. I imagine this wouldn't even be a question if that were the case though.

If you are, however, lying to yourself, and just going for someone because they seem interested and are nice enough, when you really have no real attraction to them at all, well, now that's a problem, and from seeing my older relatives and acquaintances, those relationships are bound to fail or turn extremely toxic in not long. Of course, that's always a risk, but in my opinion you're just signing up for all that when "settling"

I would not consider settling limited to a no attraction scenario, but rather not feeling particularly strong attraction, or more likely them not meeting certain criteria.

But that can grow if both people approach it like adults. Most seem to want an instant connection, which might never happen, and discount a lot of options in the process. There are those on this forum for example (*cough*Skafish) who admit to this...

 

[Digitales]

To settle is not to insist on perfection. It is to accept something less than you otherwise define as essential.

If you are a person that insists on perfection, then dating anyone is settling because there is no perfect person.

If you are an ordinary person who knows what they need in life, to settle is to accept someone that does not have "essential qualities" that you know are needed.

For me, honesty is needed. I will not settle for less than that. Know thyself.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Most seem to want an instant connection, which might never happen, and discount a lot of options in the process. There are those on this forum for example (*cough*Skafish) who admit to this...

First off, I might think I'm cool enough but I've never been a "cool guy". That's my problem. I don't, and have never had, a wealth of options.

And it's not so much an instant connection as much as it is there being someone I want to connect with. Someone I'm actually interested in getting to know for its own sake, someone I want to learn more about, someone who makes me happy and someone I actually want to sleep with, not just someone who is "the best I can do". That wouldn't make me happy at all. It wouldn't be romantic at all, and that's what I want, a romantic experience. I'd lose my motivation, my spark, my drive. It would be another thing that proves that I have zero potential and am a loser at my core, when that's exactly the story I want to break.

Dating someone who I'm not excited about connecting with on a deeper level and who doesn't stimulate my curiosity wouldn't inspire me to be more than I am. It would feel like a day job I only do to pay the bills. It would make me feel like being bland because whether I fix it or not, I won't be any happier, and fixing it would take work. I don't want to be bland but with someone I settled for, I wouldn't have the motivation to be anything more. That is my dilemma.

Those girls that I could have connected with, that was like my chance to get signed to a world class band or to play in the majors. It was my big chance to get exactly the person I would have been most interested in connecting with and who would have probably made me the happiest, and I don't think I'll get a chance like that again. It kills me to know that if I'd only done the work that I'm going to need to do and should have done anyway, I might have won my big chance and got to realize my dream. I wanted to be excited, I wanted to experience a connection with someone I actually desire. I wanted to experience beating the game. I wanted to experience sharing the things that are special to me, with someone who is special to me. Then there's the flipside of that - I can only imagine sex with someone I don't really want to have sex with feels unfulfilling and empty, not to mention the actual bonding part of a relationship. Being with someone I settled for would feel like the entire connection is nothing but small talk, waiting and wishing to be somewhere else. I don't want that to be all I ever get to know of what is supposed to be a fundamental experience of life. But as things are now, unless things should suddenly change, settling is the only option I have. It's quite depressing to think I'll only ever get to go through the motions, wonder "what if", and kick myself for not having had myself together sooner. I'll always wonder what it would have been like to have been good enough for one of the ones I wanted, and what it would have been like to date them.

By the way, I'm not yelling at you, Ardour, so don't take it that way. I was going to post on this thread anyway. I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately.

 

[kuro]

I've been thinking something similar. My family background is from the Indian sub-continent.
People always ask my parents for hand in marriage for me and this time I feel like agreeing to the engagement. Even though I want to find someone for myself etc, which I have been, with no luck at all. It doesn't help when you're going to be 30 this month and my parents are not getting off my back about marriage, as they are saying I'm getting old!