Shall I Leave?

[LuckyCoupon]

Hello,

I am looking for some advice about some problems I'm having at the moment. Sorry for the long post!

I am 25 years old with a girlfriend who is 21. We've been together for nearly five years and after living apart, I was persuaded to move into her house (which she shares with her family) about 1 1/2 years ago.

We've always had somewhat of an up and down relationship. Sometimes we really get along and I feel content, yet other times she can change in an instant. At different times, it has ranged from unfounded accusations about cheating on her, to not being allowed to listen to modern female singers (because she thinks they are a threat), to screaming at me in the street at me if she gets annoyed and plenty more other things. I have thought about leaving her on countless occasions yet I've found it really difficult because we can be at each other's throats one morning and be laughing happily together by the afternoon. I do really care about her, as she's not a bad person and I want her to be happy.

When I moved in, it involved me giving up my full time job and moving from my parent's house. It was a big step but at the time, I thought it was best in order to be closer (as we could only see each other during the weekend) and to stop us arguing. We planned to stay there for a little while and then buy somewhere together. My girlfriend's family are generally nice people but our families are quite different. With my family, they regularly make sure the house is clean and take lots of pride in the things they do, where as with her family, they are a lot more relaxed and don't really do any cleaning, don't instill much discipline in their children, don't flush the toilet etc. Therefore by moving there, I've been living in a very different way which has made me really uncomfortable.

All of this I could cope with if I felt happier in other ways, as I appreciate people live in different ways and it's up to them what they do. However, my girlfriend doesn't make life any easier for me there, despite knowing how I feel about the above. For example, if we argue, she'll carelessly shout loudly so everyone can hear the argument. I've told her so many times about how uncomfortable it makes me feel, but it still happens. I'm quite a sensitive person, so then when I next see her family, they don't say anything but I end up feeling really awkward.

For the last six months, I've had quite bad health anxiety which led to a few visits to the doctors. They don't think there's anything wrong with me but I experience pains which are definitely worsened through stress. Despite knowing this and telling her how she's adding to my stress, she makes very little effort to make me feel any better and will still relentlessly argue about any little thing that matters to her. If I tell her about what the stress is doing to me, she doesn't show any care or consideration.

She has a full time job that pays really well, so she's been able to save up a deposit for a house quite quickly. Unfortunately, from a financially failed business venture from before I knew her, I have some debt (nothing too awful) and only a part-time (work at home) job, which covers my bills, but doesn't allow for any saving. I know I need to be earning more money, but I find that since I moved there, my motivation has just been crushed. Likewise, sexually our relationship is non-existent, which she often complains about. It's not about not fancying her (which she always thinks) but I just feel so frustrated and unmotivated.

All of this has made me feel quite homesick. Every now and again, I like to go home for a few days just to get away from it all for a bit and feel comfortable, even getting incredible buzzes of enjoyment for being able to sit on a clean toilet! However, if I ever want to go home, it's always met with arguing about how that must mean I don't want her etc. If I do manage to get away, I always get lots of texts and phone calls just looking to argue, as she gets convinced that by me being here, must mean I don't want her anymore. I realise she's very insecure, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable to go home about once a month, especially considering I live with her family. I'm sure if it was the other way round, she'd be the same, but she doesn't seem to want to look at it from any point of view other than how it personally affects her.

My thoughts are that living in her family's house obviously causes a lot of friction and stress. If we did end up buying somewhere together, then I think we'd be happier in that aspect. It would all be in her name because of the money, so I wouldn't necessarily be committing to anything legally, but it would be harder to leave, especially if it's not near her family. However, before I moved to her house, our relationship was still up and down and I'm not naive enough to think that moving would magically solve all of our problems. I know how temperamental she is and I have a pretty good idea of how things would be. The sensible side of me wonders why I keep putting up with it all and thinks I'd be better off without her, but then if I did leave and go back home, I know I'd get relentless phone calls, letters, personal visits and all sorts and I'd end up feeling so guilty.

Also, moving back would be awkward. I have all of my belongings there but her family are often at home too (plus she has more family living next door!) and the last thing I want is a confrontation about why I'm putting all of my things in the car. On top of that, my parents were quite against me moving there to begin with (perhaps they did know best after all!) and I feel like if I go back, then I couldn't later change my mind, so it has to be final.

As I'm writing this, it seems clear that I shouldn't be with her just out of guilt, but it's hard to get out of this cycle which is why I'm asking for some advice. I've probably painted a picture of a life of misery, but I am sometimes genuinely happy with her, but for a proper relationship to work, shouldn't I be feeling somewhat different to the way I am?

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

 

[Minus]

It doesn't sound like a good situation. Have you two tried any type of couples counseling to see if there was a way to live together more peacefully?

 

[jbates]

Sometimes it all comes down to the fact that people change. Someone who you may have loved in your youth may not be the same person years later. You've been dating this girl since she was old enough to apply for a drivers permit, and now she can gamble in the states. Not to mention you've also aged.

Either sit down and have a heart to heart, maybe consider some counselling if you really don't want to lose this. Otherwise let her go, I don't mean to sound negative but there could be something better waiting for both of you. Sometimes it can be really hard to let go, but you can't let that stop you if you think letting go is the right thing to do.

 

[zwan]

Well in this situation it is one of two things that can happen.
1: proceed as you are currently doing and the relationship will fail.
2: change the relationship through couples counselling heart to heart talks etc.

Don't blame the situation for you not working that's just looking for an excuse.

 

[alonewanderer]

Here's a bit that I've learned over my life, don't expect or try to make people change and there's no point if you're not happy with the relationship especially if it's affecting your health.

 

[Jicky]

Maybe try to get an apartment instead of her buying a house. See how that works being on your own together. If not, then it's time to both move on. Good luck to ya.

 

[Danielle]

I think you should leave. Its not a healthy situation for either of you. I know it sucks to hear, but its prob your best bet.

 

[Sally's Song]

Don't move in with people to fix relationships! Believe me, I've been there. What you see as a weakness (moving out) seems to be a strength from an outside perspective.

 

[septicemia]

She is extremely controlling and will likely end up physically abusing you. Look at it like this.
*She is controlling and clingy
*You quit your full time job to move in with her, you only work part time and are now almost completely dependent on her, just what she wants.
*If you move in with her, you will literally be 100% dependent on her, and will be her house ***** because clearly she has no domestic skills, or you wouldnt be living in the filth you are in now.
*You now feel you cant even go visit your family.
*She is doing everyting possible to isolate you, make her your WHOLE world, and then she will be free to treat you however she wants.
*People who constantly accuse their spouse of cheating, chances are very high they are the ones cheating.
Moving out will NOT get better, it will get 100% worse though. If you enjoy your life now then by all means continue on with her. If you are totally unhappy (which it sounds like you totally are) then get out now!

 

[Code S.O.L]

Your gf sounds very similar to a partner of one of my Uncle's friends. If your girl's anything like her, you won't even get to relationship councelling. She'll be convinced that the problem is all you, assuming she even sees a problem.....

Your best bet is to GTFO outta there with great urgency. Yes. She will berate you with endless texts and phone calls. But unfortunately, you'll need to bear the storm for a while. If it gets too much, it's nothing Mr. Restraining Order can't fix.

If it's affecting your health, be it from stress or the lack of hygene in the place, then you need to do this.

 

[LuckyCoupon]

Hello,

Thanks everyone for your replies, they are really appreciated.

To explain, I've been at my parent's for a few days and due to be going back tonight. When I left to come here, I didn't tell her until she went to work, because I knew for 100% that she'd have tried to stop me from going. Obviously she got annoyed at this but can't seem to understand why I wasn't upfront about it.

If someone was asking me for advice, I would probably say the same that all of you have said. The trouble is finding the strength to go through with it and to not let her feelings and my guilt make me go back or end up living in regret. I know I'll end up feeling so guilty.

I don't think she's an evil person, I think she's very insecure and pretty thoughtless, but I don't know what else I can do to help change that and I feel like you only live once, and it is stupid of me to put up with all of this, especially seeing as it's taking it's toll physically as well as emotionally.

One thing I realised last night was that her parents have a very similar problem. I notice that her mum always speaks over her dad and seems to be a bit controlling. Maybe that's just the way she's accepted as normal? She says that when she shouts (so others can hear in the house), she's not deliberately doing it but doesn't think twice about it, because she doesn't think anyone else is interested, But to me, surely that's just being selfish as she knows how it makes me feel?

I'm sitting hear this morning dreading the journey back tonight. I have to go in any case, as I have some pets there which she wouldn't want to keep if we did break up. I just don't know what to do.

I spoke to her last night and she said the usual things about how she won't stand in my way if I want to go back home for a few days in the future etc, but I have heard this all before. I think one of my biggest stumbling blocks is that if she is just insecure and doesn't mean to be the way she is, am I right to just desert her?

To add - She says that living there is the problem and the only way to get out of it but stay together is to make more effort in finding a house and moving. She's putting pressure on me to go and see somewhere this weekend!

 

[NOAH_FX]

Lucky: You sound like an awesome person, please know that, you sound intelligent, kind and considerate. But it's time to stop thinking of others for a bit.. You have to worry about yourself first and foremost, and i think you already know how this has to go. The only advice i can think of, where staying with her could work, would be for you guys to get a strong line of communacation open.. You need to make her aware (This may not be possible) that her constant yelling wont be tolerated. If she continue's let her kow that she has two choices either she can work at this WITH you, or worry about it alone. She will probably be irrational and yell and scream and make you feel like crap.. But you have to remember that this is about YOU not her. Your trying to make this work for her benefit, shes not.

Final point.. You’ve been apart a few days and now when your going home your loathing it.. That’s not how you should feel, you should want, maybe even NEED to go home and see her if this was a healthy relationship.. Simply, she needs to adress these issues, and if she’s unwilling.. You cant feel guilty when you give someone every chance possible and they refuse to take it.

 

[LuckyCoupon]

Hello,

I just thought I would update this topic, as I'm still having much of the same problems as I was before.

Nothing much has really changed since I last posted, except we/she had an offer on a house accepted and that's under process (but won't be anywhere near completion for at least 6 weeks). The house is in her name, rather than my own, yet I agreed to pay half of the mortgage, fees, bills etc and she agreed to pay these back if we were to break up.

The relationship itself is typically up and down. As I mentioned previously, she didn't show much care in terms of my health. I counted the number of times she's asked about it in the last 3-4 weeks and the answer is twice, which doesn't seem enough. It just doesn't seem to enter her mind, despite it being a huge part of my life at the moment.

We had a dreadful car journey back from my parents a couple of weeks ago. She argued aimlessly about directions (typical woman!), refused to listen to any music I wanted to (despite me listening to her's on the way there) and started saying how I must be gay if I don't like sex with her. It all sounds quite trivial writing about it, but she was really screaming again and I just wondered what the point of this relationship is.

Since that time, things were a lot better but last night the same thing about sex came up again. I keep telling her it's not because I don't fancy her, but I'm put off through feeling so distant and unconnected. She won't understand this.

I go through different waves of emotion as the relationship is so up and down. I sometimes feel like I'm staying with her for the wrong reasons such as the fear of making her miserable and the whole awkwardness of having to go back home.

I hate the idea of having the courage to do it but then ending up regretting it.

Can anyone offer some advice? Thanks.

 

[I'm Fine]

Hi, I'm sorry that things haven't gotten any better for you.

If my husband came to me and told me that he didn't want to have sex with me because he felt distant and unconnected, I would feel that it was MY fault and do everything in my power to help him feel better emotionally. I would never even THINK about calling him gay. Ok, I can understand how frustrating it is when your partner doesn't seem to want you sexually but most people tend to blame themselves for that, not their partner.

At the end of the day, YOU have to decide if this relationship is worth the aggravation you get. Guilt is not a reason to stay together and, as bad as you might feel if you left, would it really be doing EITHER of you any favours if you stayed? Think long-term. What would happen if she got pregnant? Would you want to bring a child into that relationship? Would you be able to leave then? Or would you be stuck in an unfulfilling relationship for the sake of the child. Trust me. It's not as much fun as that sounds.

I guess what you need to decide is this. Which future do you hate worse- being with her or being without her. Only you can answer that.

Good luck.

 

[LuckyCoupon]

Hi, I'm sorry that things haven't gotten any better for you.

If my husband came to me and told me that he didn't want to have sex with me because he felt distant and unconnected, I would feel that it was MY fault and do everything in my power to help him feel better emotionally. I would never even THINK about calling him gay. Ok, I can understand how frustrating it is when your partner doesn't seem to want you sexually but most people tend to blame themselves for that, not their partner.

At the end of the day, YOU have to decide if this relationship is worth the aggravation you get. Guilt is not a reason to stay together and, as bad as you might feel if you left, would it really be doing EITHER of you any favours if you stayed? Think long-term. What would happen if she got pregnant? Would you want to bring a child into that relationship? Would you be able to leave then? Or would you be stuck in an unfulfilling relationship for the sake of the child. Trust me. It's not as much fun as that sounds.

I guess what you need to decide is this. Which future do you hate worse- being with her or being without her. Only you can answer that.

Good luck.

Hi,,

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I can see what you mean about the sexual side of things. Sometimes she'll start saying it's about not fancying her anymore, other times it's calling me gay. No matter what I say to her, this comes up time and time again. I now feel no interest in her like that and I feel doubtful that it will ever change. If that's the case, then is it even possible to stay in a relationship like that?!

The idea of a child makes me feel quite queasy! I dread the idea of that or marriage when we're like this. I feel different about moving, purely because I'm so desperate to get out of here. However once we've moved in, I think my guilt will be worse if we've just moved and I then leave, leaving her with a house to pay for. I feel like it's fairer to leave before we get to that point, but I have huge difficulty in both making that decision and going through with it.

 

[nerdygirl]

Wait, I feel like I missed something. Why are you staying?

 

[LuckyCoupon]

Wait, I feel like I missed something. Why are you staying?

You and me both!

It's a combination of guilt and uncertainty. I hate the idea of regretting it and I hate the idea of causing her to be as miserable as I think it will make her.

 

[I'm Fine]

It's a combination of guilt and uncertainty. I hate the idea of regretting it and I hate the idea of causing her to be as miserable as I think it will make her.

You shouldn't stay with someone simply because you think it will make them miserable if you leave. You're obviously not making her happy by staying either. I mean, really...are you? And then there's the fact that you're not making yourself happy by staying. Ok, you'll both be miserable when you split up - at least for a while - but odds are that, once you've gotten used to being out of that situation, you'll find yourself a lot happier (even with the guilt) and it will give you both a chance to find people you CAN actually be with.

You can't change someone else - only yourself. Maybe you leaving will give her the reason for her to change herself into a person that CAN be with someone in a more reasonable way. Maybe that's the way for you to help her to be happy in a long-term way. It's a thought anyway.

Good luck.

 

[SofiasMami]

Oh Lucky Coupon, there's never a perfect time to break off a bad relationship. If you don't know why you're staying, it might be time to end it. Who knows, maybe she is thinking the same thing too. You're right, it takes courage to break off a relationship. It's easy for me to say end it because I'm an impassioned observer but I ended a 10 year marriage after being miserable for I don't know how long. It wasn't easy but the day my divorce was final was one of the happiest days of my life. Don't wait for the small voices to get to a screaming crescendo before you decide what to do. Good luck-
Teresa